Thoughts on courtship vs dating

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Hope92

Guest
#1
Hey everyone! I'm hoping to get some outside opinions on what other Christians think on the courtship vs dating topic. I'm always curious to know the why's behind peoples opinions!
I lead a single ladies bible study through my church as well as work with the youth, and this is a topic of high debate (the healthy kind). I believe God asks us each to seek Him first in this matter and He will lead some to dating and others to courtship, and I don't believe one route is better then the other. Each of us has different circumstances and backgrounds that may require a different approach when it comes to letting someone close.
Personally I lean towards courtship. I like to be able to see how someone treats their friends, family, and strangers before opening my life up to them. Respect and trust must come before an intimate relationship, but my history has alot of weigh in on that.
Anyway, sorry about the runaway tangent, please feel free to share your thoughts, opinions, and whys on this subject! Thanks! ~Walk In Love~
 

Pipp

Majestic Llamacorn
Sep 17, 2013
5,536
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Georgia
#2
I was always taught Courtship is to help you keep accountable and lessen the temptation to fornicate. The idea has never bothered me although I've been told by many Christians how stupid and old fashioned it is. Dating can be done right if both people want it to bad enough. To each their own :)
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
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#3
In my opinion, the distinction exists far more in people's own preferences than in any actual practice. In any case, a couple should get to know each other in a wide variety of situations before committing to marriage. That said, real life probably doesn't involve a lot of "going out" so the relationship needs to be grounded in everyday life interaction rather than special events.
 
Feb 7, 2017
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#4
I think of dating as first few months of getting to know someone. I believe physical touch should be limited, to help not rush in and try to keep emotions under control. Each person should be learn the others character, habits, and pet peeves.

After a few months, of fun and learning about one another and still together then courtship/promise ring type mentality should come next. Learning more deeper stuff, financial systems, long term dreams/goals. Most likely around each other more, almost have a new roommate, many depending on the other to help with errands.

I would think after dating and then courtship (roughly a year and a half to 2 years) if no major issues have arrived engagement would be next. At this point you should be work as one. You might move in with each other (no sex).

Many reports show a 2 years before marriage have such a successful rating! Along with following God's command of waiting until married.

that is my thoughts in a nut shell, that is what I will present to my girlfriend when the time comes
 
Jul 25, 2015
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#5
I think to discuss this topic with any group you would need to start with defining both Dating and Courtship to make sure you were comparing apples to apples. If you took 50 Christians of varying ages and handed them a piece of paper and asked them to define both you would find a wide range of parameters in those definitions.

In my opinion dating and courtship overlap and if approached from a Christian perspective are intertwined. If two people are just dating and all they do together is enjoy events/activities together with brief moments of intimacy then they have no courtship.

What is the shared goal of both parties to "dating" each other? Is it to truly learn about each other in pursuit of marriage or is it to kill time with someone and have fun.

If two people are committed to finding a life partner then they naturally fall into a more courtship relationship.
If one or both of the people are not focused on finding a life partner then they lean more toward a dating relationship with less focus on courtship.

To Dino's point, if you both are committed to finding a life partner and are engaged in a courtship relationship then your "dating" experiences extend far beyond events and activities and involve more every day life events (grocery shopping together, cooking a meal together, visiting a friend in the hospital together, sharing in each others hobbies etc)

If someone finds themselves in a relationship where there seems to be little to no courtship and you are seeking a life partner then you need to clarify the intent/goal of your BF/GF. They might not be seeking that at this time. If they claim they are and nothing changes then this MAY be a strong indication of incompatibility or some other underlying issue.

Communication is key: level set your expectations in a relationship and clarify how you define things and many roadblocks and problems resolve.

Just my thoughts....
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,327
2,358
113
#6
Hey everyone! I'm hoping to get some outside opinions on what other Christians think on the courtship vs dating topic. I'm always curious to know the why's behind peoples opinions!
I lead a single ladies bible study through my church as well as work with the youth, and this is a topic of high debate (the healthy kind). I believe God asks us each to seek Him first in this matter and He will lead some to dating and others to courtship, and I don't believe one route is better then the other. Each of us has different circumstances and backgrounds that may require a different approach when it comes to letting someone close.
Personally I lean towards courtship. I like to be able to see how someone treats their friends, family, and strangers before opening my life up to them. Respect and trust must come before an intimate relationship, but my history has alot of weigh in on that.
Anyway, sorry about the runaway tangent, please feel free to share your thoughts, opinions, and whys on this subject! Thanks! ~Walk In Love~
Well I think of one thing another member of this site posted a while back about how the older generation defined dating and how the definition had changed so much, but the point sort of became that courtship (at least a certain view of it) can put so much pressure on the relationship from the first date that it's much harder to get to that first date. So that may have helped me revise my views to anyone I get along with fairly well can have one dinner to give me his sales pitch, but I'm still firmly encamped in the position that much in the way of touchy feelies and sharing the secrets of your heart, need to wait until there's a commitment to stay together in place. Oh and also that the goal of such intimate relationships should be to decide if you're going to marry, not just to drag someone along and use them to meet your emotional wants/needs without intending to commit fully and finish what you start.
 
Aug 2, 2009
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#7
I agree with what chickwithsticks-not-drumsticks said about defining dating and courtship so that we are all on the same page here.

As for me, I can take myself out on a date... but i can't court myself.. so I have to go with dating. :rolleyes:

foodcritic.jpg
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
24,555
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#8
...Oh and also that the goal of such intimate relationships should be to decide if you're going to marry, not just to drag someone along and use them to meet your emotional wants/needs without intending to commit fully and finish what you start.
Well said, Cinder!

This brings up a quandary I've considered previously... how do you make "a commitment to stay together" without determining first whether you want to do so? You want to get to know someone, so that you can determine whether that person is a good potential spouse, but you need to be "committed" in order to learn those things. So... if you're committed to staying together, what do you do if you decide that staying together is a bad idea? Short of marriage, I think there needs to be a clear boundary that preserves the option to end the relationship should an unacceptable trait become evident.

The traditional courtship doesn't allow much leeway as you are effectively betrothed. Traditional dating (if I may use those words together) has much more freedom to end the relationship, but lacks some of the sense of security needed for the couple to open up. I think the way to get around this is to be clear that everything short of marriage is not marriage. You say "I do", and the rules change... significantly.

At the start of the relationship, there is an awkward space in which the couple is making initial assessments and considerations... does this person meet my basic requirements and non-negotiable preferences, of which one is hopefully a significant attraction? If so, let's more forward and open up together, and ask each other the questions which bring to light the needed information.

Or, see her at the well, give her a gold nose ring, and ride off into the sunset together... ;)
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
24,555
13,320
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#9
I would think after dating and then courtship (roughly a year and a half to 2 years) if no major issues have arrived engagement would be next. At this point you should be work as one. You might move in with each other (no sex).

Many reports show a 2 years before marriage have such a successful rating! Along with following God's command of waiting until married.
Friend, I think you just contradicted yourself. It is foolish to think two people in an intimate relationship can move in together and stay out of bed. It also violates the biblical principle to avoid the appearance of evil. Run from temptation... don't step squarely into its path!
 
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ekundayo

Guest
#10
personally, I believe the whole idea of courtship is getting to know each other after both parties have an agreement it's going to lead to marriage so when the couple finally decide to tie the knot they'll be prepared, since they basically know enough about their spouse to live together. I don't really know much about this topic though so am glad it was brought up. will definitely follow this up.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
24,555
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#11
personally, I believe the whole idea of courtship is getting to know each other after both parties have an agreement it's going to lead to marriage so when the couple finally decide to tie the knot they'll be prepared, since they basically know enough about their spouse to live together. I don't really know much about this topic though so am glad it was brought up. will definitely follow this up.
In North America, we call this part "engagement". ;)
 
Apr 28, 2010
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#12
I like the thought of courtship in getting to know someone in a friendship level and see if your compatible to head towards marriage in the future. Ask each other questions and do stuff together. I don't think living together is the right thing to do before you are married there is too much temptation there and couples should only live together once they are married and I would love to do that not have sex until your married and live your husband or wife after marriage.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
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#13
Here I had something all planned out to say... and then chickwithsticks and cinder said it better than I would have.

Read what chickwithsticks and cinder said and imagine the username is Lynx beside their posts. :cool:
 
C

CaptainGoat

Guest
#14
Never knew courting and dating were different. Is the difference a description used in the USA? Here in the UK the terms dating and courting refer to the same thing. One is dating on the first date and if things go well it is described as courting or dating as both mean the same thing.
Then if successful comes marriage for most or for those who don't want Gods ways a relationship.

For me being dating is too painful so I gave up looking. If I were a happy go lucky person I'd be different. Just enjoying life doing my own thing with no pressure. :)
I think the best advice I can give is to enjoy each other company and not to take things seriously. I know the end goal is marriage but most end up dating quite a few people before they find the right person for them, and it can be guesswork until we meet the right one.
Yes, no sex before marriage is for both of your protection. Not just because of Gods laws, but because dating and breaking up can be heart wrenching enough but if one has gone further the wounds are so much deeper. With no sex it is surface wounds. With sex it runs right to the soul.
So do things Gods ways. Enjoy life. Go on dates. Find the right person. It often takes a good year to really know the persons real character. Their good points and bad. (We all have them!)
 
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Galatea

Guest
#15
Never knew courting and dating were different. Is the difference a description used in the USA? Here in the UK the terms dating and courting refer to the same thing. One is dating on the first date and if things go well it is described as courting or dating as both mean the same thing.
Then if successful comes marriage for most or for those who don't want Gods ways a relationship.

For me being dating is too painful so I gave up looking. If I were a happy go lucky person I'd be different. Just enjoying life doing my own thing with no pressure. :)
I think the best advice I can give is to enjoy each other company and not to take things seriously. I know the end goal is marriage but most end up dating quite a few people before they find the right person for them, and it can be guesswork until we meet the right one.
Yes, no sex before marriage is for both of your protection. Not just because of Gods laws, but because dating and breaking up can be heart wrenching enough but if one has gone further the wounds are so much deeper. With no sex it is surface wounds. With sex it runs right to the soul.
So do things Gods ways. Enjoy life. Go on dates. Find the right person. It often takes a good year to really know the persons real character. Their good points and bad. (We all have them!)
You got it wrong about the aspect of sex. Many people have sexual relationships that are totally surface only. They are kind of on an animal plane and the end of these relationships don't "cut to the soul". Then there are people who can be really in love on a mental and emotional level, never touch, and the break up of these types of relationships really DO "cut to the soul" because they are on a much higher plane than animal lust.
 
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CaptainGoat

Guest
#16
I don't understand how someone can do that without it having an attachment. I can say twice in my life I've dated properly and it hurts enough if one breaks up.
I have to be honest and say that as I write something upsetting happened today about a friendship lost without warning, so don't know what led to it, but to say this hurts.
There is a big difference between sexual desires and feelings and love, though at times the two operate together. I guess those who can have relationships without being attached have never felt real love or have become blinded to it.
 
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Galatea

Guest
#17
I don't understand how someone can do that without it having an attachment. I can say twice in my life I've dated properly and it hurts enough if one breaks up.
I have to be honest and say that as I write something upsetting happened today about a friendship lost without warning, so don't know what led to it, but to say this hurts.
There is a big difference between sexual desires and feelings and love, though at times the two operate together. I guess those who can have relationships without being attached have never felt real love or have become blinded to it.
I don't understand your post.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
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Tennessee
#18
I'm not sure that I understand the difference between dating and courtship. Personally, I would not date anyone that I would not consider marrying.
 
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CaptainGoat

Guest
#19
I don't understand how someone can do that without it having an attachment. I can say twice in my life I've dated properly and it hurts enough if one breaks up.
I have to be honest and say that as I write something upsetting happened today about a friendship lost without warning, so don't know what led to it, but to say this hurts.
There is a big difference between sexual desires and feelings and love, though at times the two operate together. I guess those who can have relationships without being attached have never felt real love or have become blinded to it.
Was attempting to reply to what you said about people who have no attachment in that they act like animals? Don't worry if I've confused the issue. Is late here so my thinking may be at a tangent.
 
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CaptainGoat

Guest
#20
Umm. Quoted myself... Shows it is late here. :D