Appropriate thing to say on a first date?

[presidente]

I believe if people date, it should be marriage focused. If one person is dating non-seriously just for the enjoyment of dating (or to find a fornication partner) and the other person is looking for a spouse, it is not fair for the person looking for a spouse. Let's say two people in their 20's are dating. The man doesn't care if he gets married. The woman wants a husband. He dates her for a couple of years. He's taking time away from her chance to get married while she is still young and fertile. If he doesn't let on regarding his lack of intentions, he's not treating her right. If she keeps dating him after figuring out he doesn't want to get married (ever, or isn't clear on it), it may be a case of her being unwise.

So do you think it is appropriate for a single man or woman to say, on a first date, that he or she is only interested in dating to find a marriage partner? Is that appropriate second or third date talk?

On the other hand, I suspect a lot of dates these days aren't really cast as 'dates', but more like two people hanging out and drinking coffee. The invitation may be more along the lines of "Do you want to hang out some time?" as opposed to, "I'd like to take you out." This may make it seem a bit presumptuous for someone to throw out the topic of marriage.

What do you think about this?

 

[BruceWayne]

It's good to be on the same page after two years, but I wouldn't bring up marriage on the first date. Probably scare them off lol.

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

Eh...one part of me says that it is best to make a mention of the big things so you don't waste another person's time, but another part of me says "if some gal mentioned marriage on a first date she'd be dropped like a hot rock no matter her place on the hot-crazy matrix". Yet another part of me says that anyone you are dating, if you are marriage minded, should know before accepting a date with you that you are looking to court seriously so it need not be brought up. Then the final part of me is just relieved I don't have to deal with this junk and can sit back like Statler and Waldorf and watch you all deal with it.

 

[presidente]

I suppose a woman could wear a T-shirt that says, "Don't ask me out unless you are looking for a wife."

A first date is probably too soon, especially if it is just asking someone to hang out and drink coffee. If the other person starts to make it clear they are showing romantic interest, a few date, maybe trying for holding hands or whatever, that might be a good time. Just a few weeks into a relationship if they are meeting often, one could bring it up. But not say, "If we get married..." One could say, "If I date someone, it is with the intention of getting to know the person and finding a partner for marriage." Third person not 'if I marry you.'

I dated and married in Indonesia. I think I was too uptight about talking about marriage before I was ready. I kind of avoided the topic. It's unfortunately cultural conditioning in the US, where dating singles are too quick to label the other 'crazy' for discussing the topic of marriage.

 

[PrynceNY]

It's best to wait for the love to develop before mentioning marriage. There are stages in a relationship to get to marriage cant go from 0 - 100, lol. I've seen videos of dudes getting marriage proposals rejected from only dating a short period of time. I personally would advise to develop a solid friendship first then progress to serious dating.

 

[maxwel]

I suppose a woman could wear a T-shirt that says, "Don't ask me out unless you are looking for a wife."

A first date is probably too soon, especially if it is just asking someone to hang out and drink coffee. If the other person starts to make it clear they are showing romantic interest, a few date, maybe trying for holding hands or whatever, that might be a good time. Just a few weeks into a relationship if they are meeting often, one could bring it up. But not say, "If we get married..." One could say, "If I date someone, it is with the intention of getting to know the person and finding a partner for marriage." Third person not 'if I marry you.'

I dated and married in Indonesia. I think I was too uptight about talking about marriage before I was ready. I kind of avoided the topic. It's unfortunately cultural conditioning in the US, where dating singles are too quick to label the other 'crazy' for discussing the topic of marriage.

1. Different cultures do things differently... and some of them may do things a lot better than us.


2. I think the question in the OP is really conditional based on context... so it really can't be answered WITHOUT some specific context.

a. is it a blind date?
b. are you just asking out random women?
c. is it a girl from church?
d. is your church full of crazy people?
e. is it someone you've known a while

The more you know about someone first, the less you have to worry about these "paradigm" questions.


3. I don't think I've ever dated a girl that I didn't "prescreen" a bit... therefore giving me knowledge of her "worldview" PRIOR to the date.

So, if you know a girl is a serious Christian BEFORE you ask her out, you don't have to ask her if she's looking for a husband or just a sex partner.

You should have that worked out before you ask her out.

 

[Spokenpassage]

Here are my thoughts:

BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES FOR COURTSHIP - Pilgrim Covenant - Reformed Church in Singapore

 

[presidente]

3. I don't think I've ever dated a girl that I didn't "prescreen" a bit... therefore giving me knowledge of her "worldview" PRIOR to the date.

So, if you know a girl is a serious Christian BEFORE you ask her out, you don't have to ask her if she's looking for a husband or just a sex partner.

You should have that worked out before you ask her out.

The thing is, even with Christians who do not believe in fornication, you could still find someone who wanted to date to fine a boyfriend (girlfriend) to fulfill an emotional need and to find someone to hang around with, without seriously treating the relationship as a potential step toward marriage. Some people in the US started doing this in middle or high school, sometimes even in elementary school, finding someone to 'go with' without much thought about marriage. Then they continue to do it into young adulthood into what could be a reasonable marrying age. That's the reason I suggested the idea of mentioning dating as a pre-cursor to marriage.

If you can 'prescreen' a woman to see if she has a Christian worldview, she's serious about her faith, and has good character, that can give a huge headstart. It also prevents unnecessary heartache.

One of the problems with a man mentioning marriage early on is, if it doesn't happen, he may break her heart more. The reason to mention it is to make sure you are both on the same page in dating. I suppose a way to get to this topic is to ask the other person what the purpose of dating is.

If you wait until love develops to mention marriage, and then the other person isn't interested in marriage, and so you break it off right then and there, you can both experience heartache.

 

[Lynx]

Eh...one part of me says that it is best to make a mention of the big things so you don't waste another person's time, but another part of me says "if some gal mentioned marriage on a first date she'd be dropped like a hot rock no matter her place on the hot-crazy matrix". Yet another part of me says that anyone you are dating, if you are marriage minded, should know before accepting a date with you that you are looking to court seriously so it need not be brought up. Then the final part of me is just relieved I don't have to deal with this junk and can sit back like Statler and Waldorf and watch you all deal with it.

I'm with that final part. Pass the soda and pistachios please.

 

[Dino246]

There are some threads where you just want to respond to the title and not to the OP. This is one such thread. Oh well...

In this case, online dating sites have an advantage over dating random people you've met. The online profile ideally identifies longer-term goals and desires up front, and enables people to get past those awkward questions, and not have to mention marriage in the first week. Even if their profile doesn't specify a preference, in the initial 'get to know you' messaging, you can ask those questions without seeming crazy, because you can frame them with your own position.

I suppose you could do so with someone you met randomly as well, but some people seem to think that talking about non-negotiables early on is bad. I happen to disagree... why waste your time (and your heart) on someone who simply is not on the same page. Even if the person thinks you're crazy for doing so, that is a pretty good indication that they aren't right for you anyway.

 

[maxwel]

I have a rule of thumb that solves all of this.

* If you're out with a girl, and you can't decide what to say to her...
you shouldn't be there.

This isn't like decoding the Rosetta Stone.
Just say what you think is best to say.
If you say the wrong thing... she will surely let you know.
AND... you will live.
You will live with her, or without her... you'll be fine.

 

[presidente]

I have a rule of thumb that solves all of this.

* If you're out with a girl, and you can't decide what to say to her...
you shouldn't be there.

This isn't like decoding the Rosetta Stone.
Just say what you think is best to say.
If you say the wrong thing... she will surely let you know.
AND... you will live.
You will live with her, or without her... you'll be fine.

Maybe the socially awkward types who never ask a girl out because they don't know what to say follow the same rule.

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

I'm with that final part. Pass the soda and pistachios please.

It's POP, not soda. I don't share pistachios.

Bad kitty. Squirt, squirt.

 

[maxwel]

Maybe the socially awkward types who never ask a girl out because they don't know what to say follow the same rule.

If you want to take a girl out, just take her out.

If you should happen to say all the wrong things... you'll live.

Half the population of the earth is female...
there are a lot of women you can say the "wrong thing" to and still have plenty left over.

MATHEMATICALLY... THE ODDS ARE IN YOUR FAVOR.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I always start a first date by saying, "Wow, you're gonna look great in my grandmom's wedding dress."

 

[renewed_hope]

So y'all are telling me it's a bad idea to talk about marriage, kids and raising them in different country all on a first date? Well, I seemed to have blown that one out of the water....oh well, we continued seeing each other and he even bought me my own bag of pistachios lol

 

[presidente]

If you want to take a girl out, just take her out.

If you should happen to say all the wrong things... you'll live.

Half the population of the earth is female...
there are a lot of women you can say the "wrong thing" to and still have plenty left over.

MATHEMATICALLY... THE ODDS ARE IN YOUR FAVOR.

Here's a strategy: intentionally say the wrong things on the first date and see how she reacts. If she's too over-sensitive to it, she probably wouldn't have been a good match anyway.

 

[presidente]

I always start a first date by saying, "Wow, you're gonna look great in my grandmom's wedding dress."

If you were cool about it, you'd probably get away with it most of the time. The downside is it didn't work out, comments like that can lead to more heartbreak. It makes sense to keep expectations low until you get to know someone.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Here's a strategy: intentionally say the wrong things on the first date and see how she reacts. If she's too over-sensitive to it, she probably wouldn't have been a good match anyway.

Yeah but don't over do it you might lose a good match. A girl will let go even if she is interested if you are already being a jerk. Everyone just wants honesty and sincerity. You can mention anything on a first date,even marriage, as long as you are sincere you have nothing to worry about. If she runs away, you can let her go or you can pursue her. You must be intentional to prove your love.

I have a cousin who is an ex military. He liked a girl next door but the girl has a boyfriend. Their first date was so romantic. The boy friend visited the girl, my cousin entered the scene and put a grenade on the center table and ask the girl "me or him"? To cut the story short, my cousin and the girl got married and had four kids. Lesson of the story- the alpha male gets the bride. Lol!

Disclaimer:

This is just an example. Grenades: Hands off.

 

[presidente]

Yeah but don't over do it you might lose a good match. A girl will let go even if she is interested if you are already being a jerk. Everyone just wants honesty and sincerity. You can mention anything on a first date,even marriage, as long as you are sincere you have nothing to worry about. If she runs away, you can let her go or you can pursue her. You must be intentional to prove your love.

I have a cousin who is an ex military. He liked a girl next door but the girl has a boyfriend. Their first date was so romantic. The boy friend visited the girl, my cousin entered the scene and put a grenade on the center table and ask the girl "me or him"? To cut the story short, my cousin and the girl got married and had four kids. Lesson of the story- the alpha male gets the bride. Lol!

Maybe she was afraid to turn him down.

My future-wife looked a bit uptight when we went out. I just slurped my smoothy a bit loud when I got to the bottom of it and gauged her reaction. My manners didn't impress her, but she stuck around.