Struggles of Waiting Until Marriage: Male Perspective

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
D

Donie120

Guest
#1
#1
Hey everyone, I kind of was looking for a place like this to talk to somewhat like-minded people about my own struggles in my walk with Christ. This has been a subject that has been on my mind a lot recently as I have been thinking about the many things I am currently missing out on and how it has affected my life life both negatively and positively.

Now, to make sure you understand, when I say that I have been thinking about the things I am missing out on I don not mean the sex side of things. I am a very family oriented person and I deeply long for a partner to care for as well as the longing to be a father. At times it feels like I have missed out on a lot of chances to have these things because my commitment to this choice limits me when it comes to finding that certain someone. Because of past experiences I have slowly drawn myself inward and have become less active in attempts to get to know people in a romantic way. I am constantly filled with a hopelessness of never being able to find some one that is a virgin like me or respects and understands me enough to not pressure me in that choice, especially in this day and age. It has gotten to the point where I have not been in a relationship in over 5 years.

I welcome anyone to join in and share their views on this, male or female.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#2
Mar 26, 2014
4,328
2,361
113
#2
Donie120 said:
Hey everyone, I kind of was looking for a place like this to talk to somewhat like-minded people about my own struggles in my walk with Christ. This has been a subject that has been on my mind a lot recently as I have been thinking about the many things I am currently missing out on and how it has affected my life life both negatively and positively.

Now, to make sure you understand, when I say that I have been thinking about the things I am missing out on I don not mean the sex side of things. I am a very family oriented person and I deeply long for a partner to care for as well as the longing to be a father. At times it feels like I have missed out on a lot of chances to have these things because my commitment to this choice limits me when it comes to finding that certain someone. Because of past experiences I have slowly drawn myself inward and have become less active in attempts to get to know people in a romantic way. I am constantly filled with a hopelessness of never being able to find some one that is a virgin like me or respects and understands me enough to not pressure me in that choice, especially in this day and age. It has gotten to the point where I have not been in a relationship in over 5 years.

I welcome anyone to join in and share their views on this, male or female.
Click to expand...
Yeah you've missed out on a lot of chances, chances to be pressured, used, disrespected, have bad relationships and the resulting heartache, etc. The simple truth is that people who can't respect or understand a choice for celibacy until marriage, probably won't have enough in common with you in their worldview of love, marriage, how to treat people, etc. to make a relationship work out anyway. That doesn't make the loneliness hurt any less, and I often have to remind myself better to be single than to be in a bad relationship. But one of the keys to sustaining your commitment will be to remember that you're really missing out on the painful consequences of disobedience by sticking to this commitment and not missing out on the dream that you're holding out for.

Yes there are amazing godly women out there who consider a guy like you a treasure, but you can't get to know them by hiding yourself away. One thing God has been working on with me lately is how easily I can start down the "nobody wants me" path when the truth is, for the most part I'm not out there for anyone to find. So don't believe the negative messages that go through your head; and don't compromise who you are just to get someone, you sound like the kind of person who would never be satisfied with that.

And welcome to CC, hope you can find the fellowship and support you need here in the singles forum.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#3
Aug 13, 2014
24,914
8,167
113
#3
For the record being single rocks!

Not that I wouldn't change status if I met the right lady... but I'm enjoying single while I got it. :cool:
 
D

Donie120

Guest
#4
#4
Thank you for sharing your views on this. Unfortunately I find it difficult to find the right place to put myself out there. I know that the best option would be going to church but, I can't seem to find a church that I feel comfortable with, and that is very important to me. If I am not comfortable with a church I won't be able to open up to the people around me, much less a woman I have interest in. This is coming from a person that was once an avid church goer. The fact that I now work 3rd shift doesn't help any either.

Geez, now it is sounding like I am asking for dating advice. Did not mean for it to sound like that.
 
S

sojames

Guest
#5
#5
Donie120 said:
Thank you for sharing your views on this. Unfortunately I find it difficult to find the right place to put myself out there. I know that the best option would be going to church but, I can't seem to find a church that I feel comfortable with, and that is very important to me. If I am not comfortable with a church I won't be able to open up to the people around me, much less a woman I have interest in. This is coming from a person that was once an avid church goer. The fact that I now work 3rd shift doesn't help any either.

Geez, now it is sounding like I am asking for dating advice. Did not mean for it to sound like that.
Click to expand...
how old are u
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#6
#6
41, never married. Wanted to be since I was a kid. Marriage is not a promise. In fact Paul discouraged marriage except for people struggling with sexual temptations. Maybe you will never meet someone. Maybe you will. Your best chance is to live the rest of your life and focus less on marriage.
I knew a woman who was in her mid-thirties, virgin, never even went on a date. She married a man... From Her Own Church. They never knew one another. She said there was no one there to marry. They met at church (after years of both going there) and went on to be married. He was a virgin as well.

Personally I think dismissing someone for not being a virgin eliminates SO many people. Many of them could be all the other things you're looking for, but that one thing, maybe from before they were a Christian, maybe a previous marriage, maybe a one time mistake as a teen, and now they are not viable?
 
D

Donie120

Guest
#7
#7
Ugly said:
41, never married. Wanted to be since I was a kid. Marriage is not a promise. In fact Paul discouraged marriage except for people struggling with sexual temptations. Maybe you will never meet someone. Maybe you will. Your best chance is to live the rest of your life and focus less on marriage.
I knew a woman who was in her mid-thirties, virgin, never even went on a date. She married a man... From Her Own Church. They never knew one another. She said there was no one there to marry. They met at church (after years of both going there) and went on to be married. He was a virgin as well.

Personally I think dismissing someone for not being a virgin eliminates SO many people. Many of them could be all the other things you're looking for, but that one thing, maybe from before they were a Christian, maybe a previous marriage, maybe a one time mistake as a teen, and now they are not viable?
Click to expand...
I wouldn't limit myself to only women that are also virgin. Just so long as they respect my wishes I wouldn't care that much about it. Finding the right woman that is also a virgin would just be a bonus.
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#8
#8
Ugly said:
41, never married. Wanted to be since I was a kid. Marriage is not a promise. In fact Paul discouraged marriage except for people struggling with sexual temptations. Maybe you will never meet someone. Maybe you will. Your best chance is to live the rest of your life and focus less on marriage.
Click to expand...
Oh my goodness, THANK YOU for saying that!! All my life I've heard this tripe about "God has the perfect person out there for you and He'll bring you together in His timing." And while I hope and pray that is true, what if it ISN'T?? What if I'm destined to be single? I literally had an elderly lady (a very dear fellow-christian), tell me "God has the right man out there for you. you'll find him one day" and I respectfully (I hope!) turned to her and said: "What if He DOESN'T? We're never promised that." And she told me I had weak faith! Thanks for saying it like it is; I was beginning to think that I was the only one who thought that way and maybe that was wrong!
 
Snarachel

Snarachel

Junior Member
#9
Mar 23, 2015
20
1
3
#9
I completely understand the feeling of not "fitting in" at a church. Most times I feel like a spectator of the church and the people in it. When I think about where I would find someone with the values that I am looking for my first answer is: church. Not having a church community makes it so hard to connect with other people especially potential partners. Most times church is the only place that we are even remotely close to another christian in a given week. Keep up the church surf, you'll find something :)
 
D

Donie120

Guest
#10
#10
Snarachel said:
I completely understand the feeling of not "fitting in" at a church. Most times I feel like a spectator of the church and the people in it. When I think about where I would find someone with the values that I am looking for my first answer is: church. Not having a church community makes it so hard to connect with other people especially potential partners. Most times church is the only place that we are even remotely close to another christian in a given week. Keep up the church surf, you'll find something :)
Click to expand...
It is kinda comforting to know there are others out there that can understand this. Most of my family think that I should go to church even if I don't feel comfortable there. They seem to think that I can't have a good relationship with God without church.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#11
Mar 26, 2014
4,328
2,361
113
#11
Donie120 said:
Thank you for sharing your views on this. Unfortunately I find it difficult to find the right place to put myself out there. I know that the best option would be going to church but, I can't seem to find a church that I feel comfortable with, and that is very important to me. If I am not comfortable with a church I won't be able to open up to the people around me, much less a woman I have interest in. This is coming from a person that was once an avid church goer. The fact that I now work 3rd shift doesn't help any either.

Geez, now it is sounding like I am asking for dating advice. Did not mean for it to sound like that.
Click to expand...
You and me both; I don't intend to hide myself away and not be out there, a lot of it is my work schedule (11-8 which starts too early for most of those morning bible studies for church ladies in the late morning and gets out too late for any evening small groups, seems doubly unfair when there's an earlier morning men's breakfast with the church I attend currently that would fit my schedule but I lack the required biology to attend) and then the fact that I'm quite introverted and don't like being around strangers, certainly not a big group of strangers at once.

I'm also having difficulties finding a church I really like and can feel like I fit in with. That may be one of the most commonly unacknowledged struggles of single christians especially those who, you know, manage to get past the college and career class age and still not be married. But I have realized the importance of fellowship and involvement in a christian community (which I phrase that way to get away from the idea that sunday morning attendance is some sort of mandatory requirement). So I go to a church that I can see the Christian character in the people and feel their love for each other, even if some days I feel like I sit there and argue with God about how inaccurate and untrue to real life some of the worship songs are. Church is a tethering point that forces me to think about (and often interact) with God and with the lives of other people, which keeps me from shrinking down to my narrow perspective and writing off everyone else who has issues I don't have. So I keep going, because some days faith consists in going through the motions and believing God is working in you through your faithfulness, even if you can't see or feel it right now.
 
Lady4Him

Lady4Him

Senior Member
#12
Feb 18, 2017
117
5
18
#12
There are benefits to being single. There are so many more things you can do for Christ as a single person, due to the fact that you don't have any obligations to a spouse or children. That being said, there are also benefits to having a spouse and children. I have met so many godly families who were involved in ministry that the Lord used greatly, but I've also met single individuals that the Lord also used greatly in ministry. Me personally, I have always wanted to be married and have a family involved in ministry, but I'm not going to be desperate and go for the first thing that comes along. I want to be content with Christ whether I'm single or married. I am content with being single. He will always be my number one. I don't believe in the perfect spouse because we aren't perfect. I'm definitely not. You're right. It's rare for someone our age and older to still be a virgin. I'm still a virgin and I will not compromise that. I want to be 110% my husband's. If I were to be married, I would like to marry someone who is still a virgin, but I wouldn't hold it against them if they weren't. What happened in an individual's past is between them and the Lord. They way I see it I'm not going either way. Whether I get married and know I have saved myself for my husband or if I never get married. I'm not going to regret it either way. My priority is the Lord and to please him. Sorry if I just rambled on LOL
 
Lady4Him

Lady4Him

Senior Member
#13
Feb 18, 2017
117
5
18
#13
Lady4Him said:
There are benefits to being single. There are so many more things you can do for Christ as a single person, due to the fact that you don't have any obligations to a spouse or children. That being said, there are also benefits to having a spouse and children. I have met so many godly families who were involved in ministry that the Lord used greatly, but I've also met single individuals that the Lord also used greatly in ministry. Me personally, I have always wanted to be married and have a family involved in ministry, but I'm not going to be desperate and go for the first thing that comes along. I want to be content with Christ whether I'm single or married. I am content with being single. He will always be my number one. I don't believe in the perfect spouse because we aren't perfect. I'm definitely not. You're right. It's rare for someone our age and older to still be a virgin. I'm still a virgin and I will not compromise that. I want to be 110% my husband's. If I were to be married, I would like to marry someone who is still a virgin, but I wouldn't hold it against them if they weren't. What happened in an individual's past is between them and the Lord. The way I see it I'm not going to regret it either way. Whether I get married and know I have saved myself for my husband or if I never get married. I'm not going to regret it either way. My priority is the Lord and to please him. Sorry if I just rambled on LOL
Click to expand...
Meant to say "I'm not going to regret it either way" in the one part lol
 
D

Donie120

Guest
#15
#15
Lady4Him said:
There are benefits to being single. There are so many more things you can do for Christ as a single person, due to the fact that you don't have any obligations to a spouse or children. That being said, there are also benefits to having a spouse and children. I have met so many godly families who were involved in ministry that the Lord used greatly, but I've also met single individuals that the Lord also used greatly in ministry. Me personally, I have always wanted to be married and have a family involved in ministry, but I'm not going to be desperate and go for the first thing that comes along. I want to be content with Christ whether I'm single or married. I am content with being single. He will always be my number one. I don't believe in the perfect spouse because we aren't perfect. I'm definitely not. You're right. It's rare for someone our age and older to still be a virgin. I'm still a virgin and I will not compromise that. I want to be 110% my husband's. If I were to be married, I would like to marry someone who is still a virgin, but I wouldn't hold it against them if they weren't. What happened in an individual's past is between them and the Lord. They way I see it I'm not going either way. Whether I get married and know I have saved myself for my husband or if I never get married. I'm not going to regret it either way. My priority is the Lord and to please him. Sorry if I just rambled on LOL
Click to expand...
I feel very much the same way for the most part. Though a will say that I will deeply regret it if I never get married and have kids. One of my deepest desires is to prove that I can be a better dad than my father was to me. Though that is in part a motivation for waiting until marriage, it also has that second edge to it if I never have that opportunity.
Anyway, don't apologize for rambling. If anything rambling is welcome.
 
Lady4Him

Lady4Him

Senior Member
#16
Feb 18, 2017
117
5
18
#16
Donie120 said:
I feel very much the same way for the most part. Though a will say that I will deeply regret it if I never get married and have kids. One of my deepest desires is to prove that I can be a better dad than my father was to me. Though that is in part a motivation for waiting until marriage, it also has that second edge to it if I never have that opportunity.
Anyway, don't apologize for rambling. If anything rambling is welcome.
Click to expand...
I was just saying that being content in Christ is key to happiness, no matter what your lot may be in life. He will always be enough!
 
becky1984

becky1984

Member
#17
Apr 28, 2010
78
1
8
39
atlantic Canada
#17
I'm 32 and I'm also a virgin and waiting till I'm married and its a struggle. I sometimes don't feel like I fit in at church and everybody is married at my church no single guys lol.
 
H

HistoryPrincess

Senior Member
#18
Feb 20, 2016
1,151
266
83
#18
I've borderline given up reading any material regarding how to deal with singleness as a Christian. It seems so obvious yet for some reason so many people are incapable of seeing it. Most christians don't seem to understand that most of us are not meant to endure 10-20+ years of temptation. There is a reason our sex drive is at its peak in our 20s and 30s.


What's mind-boggling to me though is that, instead of teaching biblical truth and taking action, people are watering it down to try and make people feel better. I once read a book about "redefining" sexuality for singles and I was like "Uh, no." I know you're genuine and sincere, but the way you want to define it is not what people automatically think of when they hear that word. Don't make up things that aren't biblical nor have any basis in reality. Why not teach what the Bible says? The Bible says that the cure to sexual temptation for single people is marriage.
 
H

HistoryPrincess

Senior Member
#19
Feb 20, 2016
1,151
266
83
#19
Lady4Him said:
I was just saying that being content in Christ is key to happiness, no matter what your lot may be in life. He will always be enough!
Click to expand...
I beg to differ. I'm now convinced that anyone who claims "God is all I need" is lying to him/herself.
 
D

Donie120

Guest
#20
#20
HistoryPrincess said:
I beg to differ. I'm now convinced that anyone who claims "God is all I need" is lying to him/herself.
Click to expand...
I slightly agree with you on this but, I would replace need with want. I say this because I have had personal experience with god providing me with all my needs. At times my wants and desires can mean so much to me that they feel like needs, which is kinda how I feel about getting married and having kids.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.