In a Complicated but Not Dating Relationship Yet, When it does it turn into Cheating?

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ManiaStar

Senior Member
#1
Nov 14, 2015
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#1
I've been in a complicated yet, romantic relationship with someone for almost a year now.

It's bothering me because I am feeling lonely since he's working all week and I may see him once-twice a week only, usually only on the weekends.

I have been talking to both guys and girls on this one app and for almost a month now, I've been talking to this one guy and I'm ONLY talking to people because I long for friends to talk to and hang out w/ during the week. This one guy I am getting along w/ really really well. I haven't given him my phone number yet, I haven't agreed to see him yet but would like to, yet, I'm trying to do whatever I can to keep it on a level playing field and not even try and cheat w/ the guy "I'm with".

But, let's say I was dating him, would it still be considered cheating to talk to other guys w/o him knowing?

Honestly, now, I actually still feel like I'm cheating on him just tlking to this one guy and other guys.

But, there's a part of me that just wants other human interaction and where I'm tired of being alone and I don't want to be alone anymore....

Thoughts......?
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#2
Jul 3, 2015
55,871
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#2
What do you mean by romantic? Is there an expectation of exclusivity?
 
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Tinuviel

Guest
#3
#3
Think of it in terms of "would I be ok with it if HE were having a relationship like this with another woman?"
 
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ManiaStar

Senior Member
#4
Nov 14, 2015
381
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#4
Tinuviel said:
Think of it in terms of "would I be ok with it if HE were having a relationship like this with another woman?"
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would i be ok with him having friendships w/ other women? No but, he's already speaking w/ 3 other women and it's not right for me to tell him no or tell him i'm uncomfortable w/ him talking to these other women. But, he's been talking w/ them btwn 2-3 yrs now and even though I have known him a lot longer, there's still no way for me to question or tell him no. But if he's able to have other femaile friends, shouldn't it be ok if i do too?
 
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ManiaStar

Senior Member
#5
Nov 14, 2015
381
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#5
Magenta said:
What do you mean by romantic? Is there an expectation of exclusivity?
Click to expand...
romantic --- kissing/cuddling/etc. --- yes, there's an expectation of being exclusive
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#6
Jul 3, 2015
55,871
26,035
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#6
Are you saying you are in a romantic relationship with a man who does not care about your feelings and does what he wants regardless of how it affects you? Or does he even know how it affects you? You say there is no way for you to question him or tell him but there is... open up your mouth and tell him how you feel. Otherwise what you have is not a relationship based on mutual understanding and acceptance. Learn to negotiate. It is an acceptable and often necessary tool in communication.
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#7
Jul 3, 2015
55,871
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#7
ManiaStar said:
romantic --- kissing/cuddling/etc. --- yes, there's an expectation of being exclusive
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That is why you feel guilty. If your needs are not being met, he needs to know.
 
H

Hellooo

Guest
#8
#8
You're settling for crumbs in a pseudo relationship, ManiaStar.

Do things wholeheartedly or not at all.
 
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ManiaStar

Senior Member
#9
Nov 14, 2015
381
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#9
Magenta said:
Are you saying you are in a romantic relationship with a man who does not care about your feelings and does what he wants regardless of how it affects you? Or does he even know how it affects you? You say there is no way for you to question him or tell him but there is... open up your mouth and tell him how you feel. Otherwise what you have is not a relationship based on mutual understanding and acceptance. Learn to negotiate. It is an acceptable and often necessary tool in communication.
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he's told me he does care about me and never wants to hurt me. I had a talk w/ him a few months ago where I wanted an answer but, he couldn't give me a total answer. All he basically told me was that we'll be together forever, so, being that I just don't want to be alone and not know anymore, I am going to branch out and try and make some new friends that I can talk to and hang out w/ during the week

But, either way, I'm still extremely committed to him and, I don't want to be w/ anyone else right now.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#10
#10
Hellooo said:
You're settling for crumbs in a pseudo relationship, ManiaStar.

Do things wholeheartedly or not at all.
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Great response here.
He isn't interested in committing. He's talking with other chicks. You're tired of waiting. So get out of am unhappy relationship that makes you feel like you want to "cheat". Because you obviously want something else.
 
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ManiaStar

Senior Member
#11
Nov 14, 2015
381
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#11
Ugly said:
Great response here.
He isn't interested in committing. He's talking with other chicks. You're tired of waiting. So get out of am unhappy relationship that makes you feel like you want to "cheat". Because you obviously want something else.
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But I don't want to cheat. I'm committed to him. I just want other friends. Friends Not lovers but yes I'd like him to commit.
 
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ManiaStar

Senior Member
#12
Nov 14, 2015
381
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#12
Ugly said:
Great response here.
He isn't interested in committing. He's talking with other chicks. You're tired of waiting. So get out of am unhappy relationship that makes you feel like you want to "cheat". Because you obviously want something else.
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Haven't u ever been with anyone that has a friend of the opposite sex? And despite being with someone, they still talk to that person and hang out with them.

Is it now all if a sudden not ok being friends with the opposite sex while you're dating or not really dating too?
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#13
Jul 3, 2015
55,871
26,035
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#13
ManiaStar said:
Is it now all if a sudden not ok being friends with the opposite sex while you're dating or not really dating too?
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What is this dating but not really dating? I am sorry, but is this a remark relative to the relationship you are in with the guy you call your boyfriend, where there is an expectation of exclusivity while he talks to other women but you feel you cannot talk to other guys? It is a bit confusing. If you are feeling guilty, then disclose what you are doing. Why would you not disclose? The only legitimate reason would be because you are looking for more than a friend. Otherwise, you have nothing to hide. If he expresses fear when he really has no reason to fear, let him know it is no different than what he does with his female friends. If it is not a level paying field, he will balk, and forbid it, or threaten to end the relationship over it. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who insists on maintaining their double standards regardless of the cost to you? Please note I am not saying that your guy is like this. I am playing out scenarios, and giving my opinion, which has been asked for :)
 
BruceWayne

BruceWayne

Senior Member
#14
Aug 7, 2013
3,694
357
83
Gotham City
#14
Talking to people isn't cheating unless that's the intent. What is there to hide? If you just want friends then make friends. You mentioned that he's known these girls for 2-3 years? People in relationships don't have to stop being friends with someone of the opposite sex. o_O I would never date someone that wanted me to stop being friends with girls I was already friends with lol.

As for not knowing how invested he is in you, it's been a year; how long do you want to be dragged along if you're not happy? That's up to you.
 
M

ManiaStar

Senior Member
#15
Nov 14, 2015
381
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#15
Magenta said:
What is this dating but not really dating? I am sorry, but is this a remark relative to the relationship you are in with the guy you call your boyfriend, where there is an expectation of exclusivity while he talks to other women but you feel you cannot talk to other guys? It is a bit confusing. If you are feeling guilty, then disclose what you are doing. Why would you not disclose? The only legitimate reason would be because you are looking for more than a friend. Otherwise, you have nothing to hide. If he expresses fear when he really has no reason to fear, let him know it is no different than what he does with his female friends. If it is not a level paying field, he will balk, and forbid it, or threaten to end the relationship over it. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who insists on maintaining their double standards regardless of the cost to you? Please note I am not saying that your guy is like this. I am playing out scenarios, and giving my opinion, which has been asked for :)
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You know... I'm just trying to rely on God. Praying and God is telling and sometimes showing me things. I have chosen to stay faithful to this guy for that reason. I know God does have his hand on this relationship bc of all that has happened so far but, do i want to be w/ someone right now who's wishy washy?

I don't mind telling him what i'm doing. I usually do tell him.

What I need to do is, continue to pray for him, keep giving him over to God and just relax.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#16
Jun 30, 2015
24,685
13,374
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#16
My answer would be (to the thread title), after you tell him you're dating only him. Before that, you're not being unfaithful because there is no commitment to which to be unfaithful. I think Magenta touched on this in her first response.

He might be hurt, as you might be were the situation reversed. However, without an agreement of exclusivity (or at least a commitment to it if not reciprocated), you aren't cheating.
 
S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#17
Dec 7, 2013
403
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#17
Would God really want anyone to wait a year for a guy to make up his mind regarding whether or not he wants a relationship with you *general you*
Should anyone really want to wait a year for this to happen?
Would God really want anyone to be in a pseudo relationship?

It is time for him to make up his mind.
He needs to fish or cut bait.

I would not want to get involved with any guy who is like this.
 
S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#18
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#18
How can he really be your boyfriend when the 2 of you are not even in a relationship to begin with?
You are committed to him, yet he is not committed to you.
This seems to be a one sided relationship.
How can this relationship survive when he is not committed to you in the first place?
 
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Tinuviel

Guest
#19
#19
Dino246 said:
My answer would be (to the thread title), after you tell him you're dating only him. Before that, you're not being unfaithful because there is no commitment to which to be unfaithful. I think Magenta touched on this in her first response.

He might be hurt, as you might be were the situation reversed. However, without an agreement of exclusivity (or at least a commitment to it if not reciprocated), you aren't cheating.
Click to expand...
To use old language, an "understanding." There are some terms that nothing modern can replace.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#20
#20
ManiaStar said:
Haven't u ever been with anyone that has a friend of the opposite sex? And despite being with someone, they still talk to that person and hang out with them.

Is it now all if a sudden not ok being friends with the opposite sex while you're dating or not really dating too?
Click to expand...
You missed the main point. He won't commit. You aren't happy. You're going out in search of other guys to get from them what you're lacking with your non-committed male friend. That is th essence of what cheating is. Going outside of a relationship to find closeness with another.
But the main point was stop being in a situation where you aren't happy. This guy is just dangling you along and using you. Get some self respect and move on. How long are you going to be mistreated by some guy that Clearly has no interest in committing, but let's you stay close enough that you feel guilty talking to other guys? Bad situation you're in. Get away from this loser.
 
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