Are You In It For The Love... Or For The Attention? (And How Does One Break Free?)

[seoulsearch]

Hey Peeps,

There's been some talk in Singles lately about why we keep hanging on to and refuse to break ties with people whom we know are bad for us.

Often, we try to tell ourselves that it's because of "love". Personally, I'm convinced that many of the times we hold on to someone who mistreats us is because we've gotten addicted to the attention they give us, and we can't go back to feeling alone, invisible, and "unloved". As someone told me a long time ago, "Fake love is better than no love at all."

I was once clinging on to someone who was not good for me at all, and another friend cared enough to get tough with me because of it. I still remember him pretty much getting in my face and saying, "(SEOUL)!!! Do you LIKE being disrespected?! Do you LIKE being called (a blankety blank)???!! Do you LIKE having someone treat you like you aren't worth anything? YOU MUST, BECAUSE YOU KEEP PUTTING UP WITH IT!!!" I was HOPPING MAD at this person at the time, but boy, did his words ever start to sink in.

I'd like to say I was smart enough and strong enough to leave right away, but I put up with it for a long time, which is why I hate seeing other people go through the same thing.

I know one of the things that kept me attached to this wrong person is that I kept thinking, "But... this person 'loves' me... (and I don't want to be alone.)" And then I finally realized what was REALLY going on in my own heart was: "This person PAYS ATTENTION to me, and I am SO AFRAID that no one else will."

I always feel SO much sympathy for people who are worried that they will always be alone, especially when it's a young person just starting their adult life. I wish I could guarantee to them that it would all work out, but so often, things just don't work out the way we want.

When I lost the person whom I thought was "THE ONE", I was terrified that:

1. I would never find anyone like that again (because I had a feeling of belonging that I'd never experienced before),

and,

2. I was afraid that I would always be alone, and without a partner.

So far, BOTH of those fears have come true and have been my everyday reality for many, many years, and I don't know if it will ever change. (There were opportunities for relationships, it's just that they would have all been repeats of the very situations I was trying so hard to get away from.)

However, even though there are challenges, at least I'm not being disrespected on a daily basis, and at least I'm not having to put up with being called a blankety blank. And even though it took many years, I know I'm much happier alone than in another dysfunctional situation.

I always feel sad when I see other people, both guys and girls, who are willing to put up with mistreatment and abuse for the sake of hanging on to at least some sort of attention from someone they think they are attracted to.

* In an unhealthy relationship, how can you tell if it's really "love"... or a need for attention/fear of being alone? (And maybe my observations are all wrong... Please, feel free to post your own thoughts about this!)

* What are practical ways to fill the void that will "cure" this need for attention, and help us break free?

I know the good Christian answer will be to get closer to God and fill your life with service to others... But if that answer were as easy to follow as it is to throw out, we wouldn't see this and the family forum constantly filled with stories of people clinging on to unhealthy, abusive situations.

Thank you for sharing... I would love to hear your thoughts. And, if you're in a toxic situation... May God give you the strength to leave, and to overcome... No matter what, or how long it takes. <3

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

It's crazy - crazy in a very contemporary manner of speaking, not like a "blankety blank" kind of crazy p love you seoul...) - how much of our identity we place in other people, or rather in their acceptance of us.

Love distracts us from an existential loneliness.

 

[seoulsearch]

It's crazy - crazy in a very contemporary manner of speaking, not like a "blankety blank" kind of crazy p love you seoul...) - how much of our identity we place in other people, or rather in their acceptance of us.

Love distracts us from an existential loneliness.

And the even crazier part is that a lot of times, it's not even "love" that we're allowing to dictate our lives!

It's the attention.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

I'm in it for the dopamine because it makes us feel good. But I know how dopamine works so I will probably not be addicted to it. I will flee from the slightest indication of abuse faster than light. Maybe it's because I am so used to being alone that I will not be afraid of losing an abusive person. We are not here just to feel good and be happy but, above all things we are here to honor and serve God.

 

[ChandlerFan]

I think the answer to this lies on the other side of a simple question, but the answer might not be so simple. The question is "Are you whole in and of yourself?" I think if you enter into a relationship as a person who is not whole, you are going to be much more susceptible to enduring poor treatment for the sake of the love or attention. If you are self-sufficient, however, you are going to be much more likely to enforce boundaries with the other person and be willing to walk away if need be. The complicated part is how you become a whole, self-sufficient person. It's definitely not always easy, especially if there are a lot of insecurities and past hurts still lingering. Sometimes it takes a lot of hard work, but it is so worth it in the end. I am in the process of working on that myself right now.

 

[Sonflower]

I think sometimes you are right, it's about not being lonely. There are other ways it happens, though. Like I said in the other post, and I think you read it. I didn't even know I was being abused until I was removed from the situation. It was not abusive in the beginning. Now that I am removed from it I can see exactly when it started. It was very subtle escalation. I knew he needed to submit to God and was not walking the way he should and I attributed his harsh, unkind words to that. Obviously, that's riduculous. There are plenty of men who aren't Christian's that never speak to their s/o that way. I could not see it. If I had been able to see it, I would have taken my children and left and told him I'd be happy to work on the marriage after he agreed to counseling for his emotionally abusive behavior and/or divorced him if it came to that. I was not with him because I didn't want to be lonely or would miss the attention. I was with him because I could not see what was happening.

I was was one of those women that said, I will run from any sort of abuse. I would have run, but you can't run from something you can't see.

 

[seoulsearch]

I think sometimes you are right, it's about not being lonely. There are other ways it happens, though. Like I said in the other post, and I think you read it. I didn't even know I was being abused until I was removed from the situation. It was not abusive in the beginning. Now that I am removed from it I can see exactly when it started. It was very subtle escalation. I knew he needed to submit to God and was not walking the way he should and I attributed his harsh, unkind words to that. Obviously, that's riduculous. There are plenty of men who aren't Christian's that never speak to their s/o that way. I could not see it. If I had been able to see it, I would have taken my children and left and told him I'd be happy to work on the marriage after he agreed to counseling for his emotionally abusive behavior and/or divorced him if it came to that. I was not with him because I didn't want to be lonely or would miss the attention. I was with him because I could not see what was happening.

I was was one of those women that said, I will run from any sort of abuse. I would have run, but you can't run from something you can't see.

Sonflower,

I'm so glad you posted this. Thank you for sharing your story.

This might just be me, but it definitely seems like a lot of people don't even recognize what's abusive anymore, because we see it all the time either in our own lives, or in the media we watch.

When I was 18, I met a girl who asked me if my boyfriend ever shoved me, or called me names, or threatened me if I didn't do what he wanted. I was honestly shocked. She didn't realize that this wasn't normal at all--and she was equally shocked to hear that my boyfriend DIDN'T do those things, because she just thought that's how a relationship went.

I often wonder if dysfunction has, in many ways, become what most seem as "normal"... and people actually need to be taught what is and isn't healthy, because healthy relationships are becoming something "outside the norm."

 

[Lynx]

Oh good, I'm glad to hear I'm not normal.

Not that I have any experience with the matter... And for that matter I have absolutely nothing to add to this thread... But if I were in a relationship I could never see myself acting that way. I'm glad to hear being nice is abnormal, because Normal has always been boring for me so I have always strived to be abnormal.

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

Guilty. Oh my goodness.

For all the raking over the coals I give both of my ex-wives, I do it more to torture myself for making bad decisions as well as to remind myself that I chose to have some kind of a fake, dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship than to have none at all. Emotional abusiveness on both sides, infidelity from her, lies, fighting, head games. I've had some messed up relationships...and that's what I deserved for settling for less. As bitter and jaded as I am, it's more from a position of disappointment for having not found the right one, ever. Disappointment in not finding one I was attracted to and then dredging up all those old chestnuts from adolescence where I question my sexuality constantly...ugh. Messy stuff, relationships.

I found a "awfully darned close to perfect for me" once, and while I had the good sense to tell her to kick rocks when she began playing fast and loose with my emotions, I still hang onto a "what if?" in my mind even though I am 9000% certain she'd leave me brokenhearted, and that's just something I can't handle dealing with on top of all my other emotional stresses right now. For the last many years, for now, for the foreseeable future, it's just easier on my sanity if I lie and tell myself I don't care anymore and have given up on ever finding love.

 

[joefizz]

the one thing I can relate to even though I've never been in a relationship is "being invisible" in fact for the longest time I preferred to be invisible because then I was left alone by others not being pestered,not to mention that I had sort of a cold stare to indicate many times to others "not to mess with me" because I was already being torn left and right between parents and enduring bad living situations(too many people in one trailer) that pretty much unless I found a reason to communicate with others then I wouldn't,kind of like a computer or robot waiting for instructions because emotions didn't and every now and then still don't come naturally because of all the foolishness I've been through thanks to my so called "parents"(2 adopted parents2 biological parents now I realize all four weren't ever truly fit for raising children,which is why I feel so strongly about children not being forced around because many so called parents may want no future but children should have the choice to have a future, being able to have goals,love,Joy,beliefs,I know we are talking about abusive relationships here but both are quite the same nowadays,adults suffering emotional abuse as well as children warping their minds to believe that they are worthless or that they always do wrong and not the other party,and that they have to live with whom is hurting them instead of speak up and be free of them,such an infuriating reality that they suffer,no one should have to go through such torture but alas unless we witness what takes place abusively toward anyone or have been informed honestly of such an atrocity then we can only pray for them or try to comfort them during their time of hurt because many know how to lie with a straight face,cover up to save face(such as to not have family name reputation downed) or even commit suicide or plead insanity because they don't want to face consequences,all I know to say on either subject is to try to tell the truth where you can so others can eventually know when you need help and try to have family or friends around that you can trust to get you or a loved one out from such people immediately!relationship or not,abuse is wrong and noone should have to stay hostage to it!

 

[zeroturbulence]

I'm in it to win it!!!