How do you move on?

MollyConnor · May 15, 2017

As some of you know, I recently went through a break-up. It was weird...I was being emotionally abused and I wasn't even aware of it till the end. Now I know it was right and that God wanted this. I trust Him.

But it still hurts. I still think about the good times (when he was kind and loving.) I was wondering, do you all have any tips or ideas about moving on? I have made some small victories in avoiding him and letting go, but I'm not exactly healed...if that makes sense. I didn't do anything sexual with him, but I'm emotionally hurt. We planned on getting married.

Blain · May 15, 2017

oh Molly.... I am so sorry for your heartache and struggle he is lucky I was not there when he was emotionally abusing you because I would have a few words for him. Sadly Molly the pain will not instantly go away and sometimes it won't ever fully go away there may still be that tiny bit of pain remembering the good times but what your feeling is called an open wound.

You see inner wounds unlike our physical ones tend to be deeper and take longer to mend but slowly and surely as time goes on and as we cling to god and our friends these inner wounds begin to heal for after all time heals all wounds.
But as for moving on take it one step at a time one day at a time and keep moving forward, You are not alone in this because not only does God know your pain and not only is he right there for you but so am I and all your friends here in cc. I wish I could be there for you physically but I want you to know that we are all here for you even if it's only arms from online

Ugly · May 15, 2017

Remember for every smile there were 10 tears.
I had a gf once. Things went well for a while, but eventually there were games and mistreatment. Sometimes I felt like I was being punished for... I don't know. Thing is I kept trying to keep things going despite things getting worse and worse. Finally after a series of major mistreatment I'd had enough. Cut her out of my life. Drama, emotional roller coasters, guilt over doing nothing wrong... gone. It sucked for a while, bad. So I know the difficulty in the confusing feelings of caring someone that mistreated you.
But you had to leave for a reason. Because good shouldn't come in moments when you're with someone. Being with them should be good, even when you argue. If you find yourself bouncing back and forth between the good and really bad memories then it's best you aren't together because you weren't truly happy with them. Just happy to be with someone. That is the beginning of the end of a relationship. If it hurts now it would hurt more, and a lot more hurt until, the relationship inevitably ceases.

PeterJens · May 15, 2017

MollyConnor said:

Molly, when you bond with someone like you have, to break it means
part of you has died. You have to grieve the loss, and realise the good
has now gone, and you need to become someone different.

It is grief that remakes us, so we face the day differently.
But it can take a few years, it is not a simple over night issue. It is why
the two becoming one is so fundamental in ways we cannot describe.

MaranathaSoonQuick · May 15, 2017

How to move on? Forget about you, Remember Christ. not that your worth is nothing, but that you're worth so much more to the eternal Christ than anything that goes on in this short life.

cinder · May 15, 2017

You move on one day at a time. And maybe kind of like losing a limb or one of your senses or something; the first days are so hard because you have to learn to do and think about everything in a different way and you feel the loss keenly, but the more you push through, you find the ways that work for you and they become easier and more second nature, until the loss isn't a huge dominating thing in your mind and consciousness, but you've gotten used to the loss and it's just the way things are now.

And anyway we all know that an abusive boyfriend is less necessary and way more expendable than hands, or arms, or legs, or eyes, or any other body parts. Unfortunately there really isn't any easy way to adjust to the loss of something that was a huge part of your life. All you can do is give yourself the grace to hurt and to mourn the loss of all the hopes and dreams and good things either imagined or real, and then come back to the point of saying, but it wasn't worth the cost I was being asked to pay and know you made the best decision and love yourself enough to stick to it.

Oh and ice cream. It may be a form of idolatry or addiction, but ice cream really does make most things seem better, at least until the container is empty.

Sonflower · May 15, 2017

I was in an emotionally/mentally abusive marriage for 17 years. Well, it didn't turn abusive until the last 10 years. There was deception. The abuse was so subtle I didn't know it was happening until he divorced me and once I was removed from the situation I realized. He was very critical always pointing out the one thing I did wrong. My opinion on things was irrelevant. Many times his words made me feel like I was trash to be thrown away. Her was angry, often.

I understand - even after it was so bad and I was actually living with him and felt my choices (some of them) had been taken away...I still missed the good times I had, at first. I understand how you feel. I think cinder is right. You move on one step at a time, one day at a time and there is no easy way. It's very difficult to be in a marriage with a man like that. Eventually, you never feel good enough. You feel like something is wrong with you, that you are broken. Healing from years of that takes a lot longer than it will take to let go of him. I think looking forward to the future is a good way. Ask God what he has in store for you. Surround yourself with loving friends. Find a good, trustworthy friend to talk to when you feel lonely. I know from personal experience that you had more than a small victory. It was a giant one, avoiding many years of hurt.

Crustyone · May 15, 2017

I suggest that you concentrate on helping others. Not just those who have been hurt as you have been, but also those who don't know Christ. We know how they will suffer if they don't start believing. When you start helping others, your pain starts to go into the background and you get excited knowing that someone is being helped by your actions and possibly spared eternal pain.

Crimson_Lark · May 15, 2017

Hi MollyConnor,
Here are some things that I've found helpful:
- Plan in advance to do things with a friend/our friends on days or times you use to do things with him, it'll
be hard in the beginning but after a while you will start to have fun and forget about him more and more
- When you find yourself thinking about him and all the good things, stop yourself and out loud (speaking out loud is really helpful to me) remind yourself of why you two broke up. It's important to remind yourself of why you made your good choice.
-Think about what life would have been like about 10 years down the road with him. Imagine being a woman who is getting the emotional beat down for YEARS. Yeah, horrible.
But you are free! God has a plan and purpose for you and it's good not evil.

Siberian_Khatru · May 15, 2017

Your breakup is still pretty hot off the press. You need time to process it.

When some of my more serious relationships ended, I couldn't help but ache over the absence for awhile. As time marches on without that person, emotions fade until you're left with memories that don't carry so much sentimental weight.

Ultimately, you move on by letting go.

Demi777 · May 15, 2017

Know the feeling. Going through the same sis.
You have to make new memories, cry when you feel like it, get rid of any messages/numbers etc
Go places and meet new people.
It takes time and prayer but it will get better sis.
xxx

ChandlerFan · May 15, 2017

If you read my post in the other thread, you will know that I am actually in this process as well. As in right at this moment I am having a conversation that is most likely going to lead to me needing to let go and move on. All I can say, Molly, is that the best thing you can do for yourself is have a good support system. When you feel like texting him, have someone else you can text. Have people you can call and talk to when you're feeling lonely or sad. And even though there might be times you just don't feel like doing anything, be intentional about adding some color and fun to your life. Just being able to have a good time apart from your ex is a very healing thing.

And remember this: it does get easier. I promise.

Magenta · May 15, 2017

Keep in mind that you are grieving the loss of the hopes and dreams you were building for your future with another person, but also that the other person was completely inappropriate for building a future with. There are recognizable stages of grief; whether you count it in five or seven stages, maybe it will be helpful for you to acknowledge that an early stage of grief is denial.

It is okay to remember that you did share many heart warming pleasant moments with this other person, otherwise, you would not have become so emotionally attached to him. However, that does not negate the reality that you only met him once, and that over time, as he became more himself with you in your LDR, what you saw was NOT the person you would want a life with.

Sometimes we go through things to help us gain a greater perspective of our values. If you find yourself in a relationship where you start becoming willing to compromise on your values (such as being treated with respect), then that is a pretty big red flag. Unfortunately, many of us have been there and done that, and have found that it is better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship.

You have a support group here, and that is great, but it is also important to be doing things in your day to day life that are life affirming and help you forget yourself for short periods, while you begin moving forward into the next chapter of your life. It really is one day at a time. Have you ever read any of the literature on co-dependence?

Here are the seven stages of grief. Theses models are developed for people experiencing the loss of a loved one to death, but the feelings are the same or similar for the loss of love regardless of the cause. There is no neat progression from one stage to the next. In reality, there is much looping back, or stages can hit at the same time, or occur out of order, but they are a good general guide of what to expect. http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do.

ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame on someone else. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?"

"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one.

ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that may have existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

You WILL made it through the stages of grief, Molly! It may hurt for a while, but the pain with fade over time and at some point you will probably even wonder why you made such a fuss over him

Blain · May 15, 2017

Ty everyone for responses

and Molly I may be a guy but I tend to go for the girls method of dealing with sadness, Ice cream is your best friend

shineyourlight · May 15, 2017

MollyConnor said:

As some of you know, I've been single since January.

I'm finally moved on, living my life, getting healthy, getting back into the dating scene

But, before, it was kind of rough. At times, I lashed out at people because I was hurting. Other times, I was glad the relationship had ended because I was so distracted and felt like I had to give my all to that one person and I felt like my other things were being neglected. The things I once enjoyed I never did because I felt like a leech was sucking out all my energy. The relationship definitely took out a lot of energy of me. I was exhausted and burnt out.

So I didn't know why it was so hard on me when it ended. I cared for the person, I loved the person, but there was another part of me that felt like all my energy was out of me and in a way, I had to change myself in the relationship and I hated the person I was in that relationship.

But, it was and I got over it.
And I realized I'm happier than I was.
And I'm thankful for that.

There are some steps that you can take to move forward.

1) Cry when you feel like it - There is nothing wrong with crying. If you feel like it's because you are weak, think again. You are mourning. It's necessary to get it out. There were times when it would just hit me in the most random places.
2) Be angry but in a constructive way. Instead of bashing things, channel your anger into other things. For me, I did a lot of hand lettering. (Hand lettering is a type of art through writing. You draw words instead of just writing them! Check them out on my CC profile! I have an album!)
3) Talk, talk, talk. Don't talk about your feelings with everyone, but with your close friends. Honestly, my a bunch of my friends took me out for drinks the day of the breakup. It was such a great gesture and I had a lot of fun. They even tried setting me up with the waiter. Be open with your friends, be open with the ones you love. But not everyone has your best interest in their mind, so be careful of who you share your pain with.
4) Get into things you like doing! Honestly, since January, I have done a lot with friends. I have gained back the courage I once had before getting into the relationship. I've went on a few dates, I've met new people, I've done things that I never thought I'd do. I'm living. I chose not to have my breakup beat me down but have me beat the breakup. No person is going to destroy who I am.

I have grown closer to God since January. Digging into the Word, going back to church...my spiritual life is back, my confidence is back.

You're loved. I'm so sorry you had to go through a breakup, but it seems like it's for the best. You have worth and you deserve to be treated as that, through a romantic relationship as well as friendships.

Miss you girl <3 We should catch up soon!

rachelsedge · May 15, 2017

Something very similar happened to me. Even though you know it was for the better, it's going to HURT, and for a while. There will be residual healing to do, even when you are past the man himself. Meaning, I'm somewhat "over" the guy, but there's still damage being undone.

It's going to take time. I'm over 8 months post-breakup, wasn't even my idea (though it's good it happened), and there is still pain sometimes. But, it went from a gut-wrenching, bullet-wound stabbing pain, where I wasn't sure if it would ever end, to a tense ache, to a dull ache, and now.... it's like a bruise, where I sometimes don't remember it's there until something pushes on it and it hurts. Don't rush yourself. Let yourself feel, but don't get stuck.

No contact is important, as much at that sucks now and how very, VERY difficult it is, it's for the best.

Comfort yourself. If you're like me, you might at some point start kicking yourself - "How did I let myself go that long in a relationship? I thought I was smarter than that. Why did I take that? I'm so stupid" etc. Don't. If a kid falls off his bike and breaks his arm, you don't run up to them and tell them how stupid they are and yell at them while they're in pain, even if they really shouldn't have been riding down that rocky road. You comfort them. Treat yourself the same. Learn from this.

It will be hard. I wish I could tell you it won't be, and I wish I could tell you "In X days you will feel so much better!" but as others said above, make sure you have good support. Talk to other people when you feel like talking to him. Take time to write down your feelings and process things that happened. Go back over the relationship and pick out times where you felt your stomach turn, red flags popping up that you ignored or brushed off, so you know to be more vigilant with it in the future.

You are loved, and you are valuable. His abuse didn't change that.

Blain · May 15, 2017

Also Molly si that your cat in your profile picture? cuz I just want to hug it sooo bad♥

Tinkerbell725 · May 16, 2017

Letting go is an art. You will learn it one day at a time. Just look forward to the future , specifically to the time when you will only laugh about why did you fell in love with your ex in the first place or to the time when you already found a new love. It feels like the end of the world but it's not. Life is still beautiful.

[video]https://youtu.be/rUGMWwWiKac[/video]

MollyConnor · May 17, 2017

Thank you all for the support!

imfinallyfree · May 18, 2017

Just clear your mind of the experience and soldier on.

How do you move on?

MollyConnor

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