What are Some of the Stereotypes and Criticisms that Married People Face?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

I realize that this is the "Singles" forum, but since we're also blessed enough to have several married regulars stop in and tell us what married life is really like, it only seems fair to ask them what they wish singles wouldn't assume about them as well. I certainly know I'm guilty of sometimes thinking married people have a perfect life.

Many years ago, right after my divorce, I went to a different church to try to clear my head.

And wouldn't you know it... Who was it that sat RIGHT in front of me but a young, beautiful married couple with a brand-new baby. All throughout the service, they kept hugging each other, kissing their baby, and exchanging looks of constant adoration.

It's a wonder I didn't collapse and die of jealousy right then and there.

I was convinced that this pretty young couple had it all, and surely I was being denied everything good in life!!! Thinking about things more realistically, I'm sure that what I didn't see was the possibly very challenging journey they had taken to get where they were, and the long, sleepless nights they probably now had in caring for their new baby.

But I was SO sure, at the time, that their life was perfect and happy and surely, never ever lonely--like I was all the time. Maybe this carousel of emotions sounds familiar to a few others out there...

Although this thread has our married friends in mind, anyone is welcome to answer. Maybe you'd like to comment about a time when you were married, or what you've observed about your parents or others who are married.

Tell us:

* What are some of the stereotypes and criticisms that married Christians face?

* What do people understood about you or your life instead of just assuming?

* What can we singles do in order to help you?

I always appreciate when the marrieds come in and tell us about their real lives. I know that as a single myself, I sometimes get a little too starry-eyed when I see married couples, and forget all the hard work and struggles they must be going through as well.

Here's to thanking all the married folks for giving us singles a reality check now and then.

 

[Susanna]

Hey Everyone,

I realize that this is the "Singles" forum, but since we're also blessed enough to have several married regulars stop in and tell us what married life is really like, it only seems fair to ask them what they wish singles wouldn't assume about them as well. I certainly know I'm guilty of sometimes thinking married people have a perfect life.

Many years ago, right after my divorce, I went to a different church to try to clear my head.

And wouldn't you know it... Who was it that sat RIGHT in front of me but a young, beautiful married couple with a brand-new baby. All throughout the service, they kept hugging each other, kissing their baby, and exchanging looks of constant adoration.

It's a wonder I didn't collapse and die of jealousy right then and there.

I was convinced that this pretty young couple had it all, and surely I was being denied everything good in life!!! Thinking about things more realistically, I'm sure that what I didn't see was the possibly very challenging journey they had taken to get where they were, and the long, sleepless nights they probably now had in caring for their new baby.

But I was SO sure, at the time, that their life was perfect and happy and surely, never ever lonely--like I was all the time. Maybe this carousel of emotions sounds familiar to a few others out there...

Although this thread has our married friends in mind, anyone is welcome to answer. Maybe you'd like to comment about a time when you were married, or what you've observed about your parents or others who are married.

Tell us:

* What are some of the stereotypes and criticisms that married Christians face?

* What do people understood about you or your life instead of just assuming?

* What can we singles do in order to help you?

I always appreciate when the marrieds come in and tell us about their real lives. I know that as a single myself, I sometimes get a little too starry-eyed when I see married couples, and forget all the hard work and struggles they must be going through as well.

Here's to thanking all the married folks for giving us singles a reality check now and then.

Oh well yeah...single mom, in a few months a single grandma...nobody but myself to blame...I'm a complete jerk...always been. I don't know whether my response was ok or not lol.

 

[seoulsearch]

Oh well yeah...single mom, in a few months a single grandma...nobody but myself to blame...I'm a complete jerk...always been. I don't know whether my response was ok or not lol.

I'm so sorry that people have treated you like this.

Some of the best people I've ever had in my life are single parents and grandparents, and have been instrumental to helping me become who I am. The nearly universal thing I always learned from them was strength.

God bless you, Susanna, and I'm sure He knows how hard you've worked to raise your family. <3

P.S. You brought up an excellent point--single parents/parents are more than welcome to voice their frustrations with unfair stereotypes as well.

Hopefully it will help us all learn to better understand and support each other. <3

 

[NoNameMcgee]

Oh well yeah...single mom, in a few months a single grandma...nobody but myself to blame...I'm a complete jerk...always been. I don't know whether my response was ok or not lol.

assuming youre not being overly harsh on yourself

i appreciate the honesty here

im not married, i am a jerk sometimes too

 

[Lynx]

I have never been married myself but I have observed that people always expect married people to completely drop out of society, as though their new marriage completely consumes their lives. If he or she is ever seen at any societal function without the partner the first question is always, "I wonder what happened that they are going out separately now?" as if they are no longer supposed to want any time just to themselves anymore.

 

[Lynx]

I have also noticed that a couple with no child is not supposed to have any problems at all. There is no baby to take care of, and if something happens they both have each other, right? A single person who has a problem is all alone and has sympathy, but if a couple has a problem they are supposed to lean on each other and suck it up as they present a happy face to the world.

 

[Lynx]

Mind, this is only from my observation of others, not from any personal experience.

 

[seoulsearch]

Mind, this is only from my observation of others, not from any personal experience.

Oh c'mon, Lynx.

We know all about your secret marriage(s).

 

[Lynx]

Innocent of all charges Madam. Actually in about 10 months I will be a real, live 40 Year Old Virgin.

 

[seoulsearch]

Innocent of all charges Madam. Actually in about 10 months I will be a real, live 40 Year Old Virgin.

Just don't go out and get your chest waxed ("NNNOOOO Kelly Clarkson!!!"), and I think you'll be ok.


There's some famous classic musician? (He's so famous, I forget who it was.) But apparently he said he couldn't get married, because he was already married to music.

Most definitely reminds me of you.

 

[Demi777]

haha ''stop whining when your wife wants to go shopping!" hahah

 

[Dino246]

Overheard and/or remembered from my married days...

For the relatively young and newly-married, "When/Are you planning to have kids?"

For those with kids, "Are you planning on having more?"

For wives, "Will/Do you support your husband or will/do you work outside the home?" (like they're exclusive!)

For couples, "Would you like to join our (insert special-interest group here) group?"

Unsolicited advice on marriage and parenting... (delivered some myself... to my shame)

Generally there is an assumption that married men should want to help with maintenance around the church while married women should want to help in the kitchen. My ex would rather paint or rake gravel than cook or bake any day.

I also find that some assume that couples want to be involved in the same ministry (or that they should be). We aren't necessarily gifted that way.

 

[Blain]

Stereo types i have seen... The man is in a prison the women is not ever listened to.
There is a tree stump that the husband keeps getting nagged about
The couple are always fighting
the wife is like the husbands mom

 

[Lynx]

Ooooh let's not forget the old standby when a kid is acting up! "If that were my child I would..." or "If I had done that as a kid my mother would have..."

No I would not and no my mother would not because I don't know everything about that kid or that parent. The kid may be autistic, OCD, ADHD or anything else. The parent may have gotten some bad advice. (People still think Dr. Spock and Dr. Oz know what they're talking about, heaven help 'em.) And even if I did know better than the parent how to deal with that child, delivering my sage advice in a smart-alec manner would not help anything.

Whenever I hear somebody say "If that were my kid I'd..." or whenever I'm tempted to say it, I'm reminded of some old farmhand wisdom:
"Everybody knows exactly what you should do with a kicking mule... right up until he has one of his own."

 

[Nice_Lady]

Very interesting topic. When i see happy couple i always say to my self "what about tomorrow?" If people were receiving All-the-Happiness-Possible-Ever with marriage then there wouldn't be a word called "divorce". But i really wonder why it is written "God brought together" when some unbelievers marry after illegitimate divorce (divorce because of some character' issue). Is that mean that it was God s plan Bathsheba to become a wife of David? (Of course God make his plan in all purity and if He planned that, He would first let the woman to become widow and then to complete the plan. So its David s sin that didnt waited long enough?)

 

[Nautilus]

I'm not married but all my friends at church are...they also all have babies now for the most part. I think the number one stereotype is that they are boring. I mean they honestly werent a ton of fun before, but they are even worse now.

 

[melita916]

I havent been married long, but i have been asked several times if we are having kids. Heck, we were asked that before we got married.

 

[AAAPlus]

Hey Everyone,

I realize that this is the "Singles" forum, but since we're also blessed enough to have several married regulars stop in and tell us what married life is really like, it only seems fair to ask them what they wish singles wouldn't assume about them as well. I certainly know I'm guilty of sometimes thinking married people have a perfect life.

Many years ago, right after my divorce, I went to a different church to try to clear my head.

And wouldn't you know it... Who was it that sat RIGHT in front of me but a young, beautiful married couple with a brand-new baby. All throughout the service, they kept hugging each other, kissing their baby, and exchanging looks of constant adoration.

It's a wonder I didn't collapse and die of jealousy right then and there.

I was convinced that this pretty young couple had it all, and surely I was being denied everything good in life!!! Thinking about things more realistically, I'm sure that what I didn't see was the possibly very challenging journey they had taken to get where they were, and the long, sleepless nights they probably now had in caring for their new baby.

But I was SO sure, at the time, that their life was perfect and happy and surely, never ever lonely--like I was all the time. Maybe this carousel of emotions sounds familiar to a few others out there...

Although this thread has our married friends in mind, anyone is welcome to answer. Maybe you'd like to comment about a time when you were married, or what you've observed about your parents or others who are married.

Tell us:

* What are some of the stereotypes and criticisms that married Christians face?

* What do people understood about you or your life instead of just assuming?

* What can we singles do in order to help you?

I always appreciate when the marrieds come in and tell us about their real lives. I know that as a single myself, I sometimes get a little too starry-eyed when I see married couples, and forget all the hard work and struggles they must be going through as well.

Here's to thanking all the married folks for giving us singles a reality check now and then.

* What are some of the stereotypes and criticisms that married Christians face?

Let me tell you, being married isn't all lollipops and rainbows. Everyone assumes since you're married you must have kids or will be having them. If not, you're silently shunned. Sure, having a constant companion who knows you better than anyone and who you can care for is great, but this minor annoyance shouldn't exist.

* What do people understood about you or your life instead of just assuming?

I read this question 3 times and still don't understand what it is asking. Sorry.

* What can we singles do in order to help you?

So many lazy singles out there; you should be offering to help with us with our kids. Offer to change our baby or comfort our child or babysit for free so we can have a night out enjoying each others company. Offer to clean our house once in a while so we can enjoy a vacation together. Or better yet, offer to pay for the vacation. When you're single you spend only on yourself, but when you're married you are paying for two.

Singles should be adoring married couples, even newlyweds, as they are one step ahead in life. You should be asking for advice and taking it without a grain a salt. Clearly a married person knows something you dont; after all, they are married and you're not.

 

[seoulsearch]

* What are some of the stereotypes and criticisms that married Christians face?

Let me tell you, being married isn't all lollipops and rainbows. Everyone assumes since you're married you must have kids or will be having them. If not, you're silently shunned. Sure, having a constant companion who knows you better than anyone and who you can care for is great, but this minor annoyance shouldn't exist.

* What do people understood about you or your life instead of just assuming?

I read this question 3 times and still don't understand what it is asking. Sorry.

* What can we singles do in order to help you?

So many lazy singles out there; you should be offering to help with us with our kids. Offer to change our baby or comfort our child or babysit for free so we can have a night out enjoying each others company. Offer to clean our house once in a while so we can enjoy a vacation together. Or better yet, offer to pay for the vacation. When you're single you spend only on yourself, but when you're married you are paying for two.

Singles should be adoring married couples, even newlyweds, as they are one step ahead in life. You should be asking for advice and taking it without a grain a salt. Clearly a married person knows something you dont; after all, they are married and you're not.

Wow. What a bitter post.

There's a lot I want to say, but I'm going to refrain.

First of all, I was married once. It's just that my husband later wanted to be married to someone else.

Many singles are not lazy, nor are they commanded to help marrieds raise their children, clean their houses, or pay for things for married people. Yes, we spend on ourselves. But when my husband left, I suddenly had an entire house and car to pay for by myself--some singles have twice the bills and only one paycheck.

I DO believe in helping people, very much so, which is why I spent many years working in singles/tween rooms at my church--so that parents could just enjoy the service. I also had a friend (single mom) whose kids I took with me because she always worked Sundays. There are other things I've volunteered to do to try to help people; but it's been across a wide variety of situations, including the elderly and the orphaned. I would not, however, choose to help someone with such a bitter attitude towards my place in life, unless God clearly directed me.

The assumption that singles should be "adoring" (I read this as... basically worshiping) marrieds is definitely something I would caution, and ask God about. God might not want some singles to marry, and this kind of advice would cause them to chase after the wrong things. Marrieds are not necessarily ahead, and the fact that many in the church seem to believe this causes a huge dissent within the church.

To be perfectly honest, for me, the desire to be married has waned over time. I'm becoming much more interested in things such as travel and missions work. Now of course, if God wants me to be married, I'm all ears, and I come from a family in which I'm the only person whose spouse divorced them--so I've been around "'til death do us part'" marriages, and have learned from them, all my life.

It's interesting... that you seem to think and believe that the only purpose of singles is to serve, pay for, and worship married people.

Even Paul said that if a person could find peace and contentment in being so, he believed it was better to stay single. Not that there is anything wrong or ungodly to be married, of course!!

It's just that with this thread, I was hoping to work towards a more compassionate and understanding relationship between marrieds and singles. I love my married friends and have often gone to their houses to help with this or that. But I will openly admit that I would never be friends with, nor would I choose to invest my resources, in someone who saw me as a second-class human being and personal servant, all because I was single.

 

[seoulsearch]

* What are some of the stereotypes and criticisms that married Christians face?

Let me tell you, being married isn't all lollipops and rainbows. Everyone assumes since you're married you must have kids or will be having them. If not, you're silently shunned. Sure, having a constant companion who knows you better than anyone and who you can care for is great, but this minor annoyance shouldn't exist.

* What do people understood about you or your life instead of just assuming?

I read this question 3 times and still don't understand what it is asking. Sorry.

* What can we singles do in order to help you?

So many lazy singles out there; you should be offering to help with us with our kids. Offer to change our baby or comfort our child or babysit for free so we can have a night out enjoying each others company. Offer to clean our house once in a while so we can enjoy a vacation together. Or better yet, offer to pay for the vacation. When you're single you spend only on yourself, but when you're married you are paying for two.

Singles should be adoring married couples, even newlyweds, as they are one step ahead in life. You should be asking for advice and taking it without a grain a salt. Clearly a married person knows something you dont; after all, they are married and you're not.

I also wanted to add that your post reminds me of many of the married and/or single parents who have expressed bitterness towards me over the years for being single, as well as the people who try to use, "No wonder you're single," as the supposed "Ultimate Insult."

From the first few sentences in your post, I'm assuming you don't have children and that people are giving you a hard time for that, and I am sorry (or maybe you have children now, but did not for a long time.) I definitely know what it's like to be seen as second class or an outcast because you don't have children. Not being married on top of that is a definite double whammy in most Christian circles.

Your post reminded me of a Christian girl I used to work with who was always telling me I "needed to be out there" "doing my part". She was always telling me I should be having kids, and that I'd be fine as a single parent. Never mind that I actually enjoyed helping her when I could, but to be honest she always acted like it was never enough, and insisted I needed to be having kids of my own.

One day, she broke down in the restroom and told me about all the problems she was having with one of her children, and confessed that she wished she had never had this child. She also told me that she hated seeing people like me who were single, childless, and "free". All of her "encouragement" to supposedly raise myself to the supposed higher level she was at was just a cover to hide the fact that she was miserable and absolutely hated where she was in life.

I have also been on the receiving end of married couples who want to have another baby... and then they ask others around them, most especially "free-spending" singles like myself , to help them cover the expenses of something they are choosing for themselves.

There are many married people out there I have loved, cared for, and tried to help--but they have done the same for me. They've opened their hearts and their lives to me and allowed me to do things like bake cookies with their kids, and it's been a great joy. But it's funny because they sometimes tell me, with a hearty laugh, that people who stay single and don't have kids are the smartest people in the world. LOL!!!

Likewise, I tell them, don't get caught up in the supposed fantasy life of being single, because the dating world is a shark tank, most especially for Christians who are trying to hold on to the belief in no sex before marriage.

Now, I am not saying this is your case at all.

But I have found that the married people who are most bitter towards single... are actually very unhappy with certain situations in their lives, and often elevate their own status to make themselves believe they are in a better place than singles--because in reality, there are times when they wish they could go back to being single themselves.