Unfaithful Ex / Trouble Moving On /need prayer please!!

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T

thesparrows

Guest
#1
#1
Hi Everyone,

First of all sorry for the long post.. if it's too long for you just skim over it better than skipping it completely! I appreciate it with all my heart ,:)

About a year ago I found out my husband was being unfaithful after less than a year of marriage. We seemed to have the perfect marriage (and perfect relationship for 3 years prior) We never had any problems, literally never fought. Everything always felt as perfect as the first few weeks we started dating.

I gave him chance after chance after chance to change his ways when I found out. I made it very clear he would lose me if he continued to lie and make plans to cheat. Spent 3 months crying every day, begging him, giving him more chances but each time he would promise and swear that either he was innovent or going to stop...only to invent more lies and find new ways to hide his behavior. Each day he would just lie more and more to me. Worst part of this is it wasn't a case where he was "confused about his feelings" or had "fallen in love" with someone else. It was all just for "hookups". and believe me there was no lack of intimacy in our relationship... to say the least.

He demonstrated zero conscience regarding any of his behavior. Completely straight-faced all the times I cried, sometimes even getting mad ,(ex. at night...if he couldn't sleep)

I talked to a Christian pastor/counselor who encouraged me to divorce as I am justified and they believe Im dealing with a guy with a classic personality disorder involving lack of empathy/conscience.

I divorced him and left. I ended up going back to him after him begging me to come back, but then left again (which I was SURE was the final time. Then he complicated everything and the guy I had never seen shed a tear broke down crying. Hard. For the first time in the year since I found out, I felt he actually was genuine. He says he wants to get counseling with a pastor, whatever it takes. Says he's been begging God praying that I will give him another (1000th) chance. This has me sooooo torn. He cries all the time now on the phone too. Not like,trying to make a show. Sometimes just quietly like he doesnt want me to hear. I can never see myself being 100% happy with him,or even trusting him 1% of what trust should be. So much damage has been done, and soooo many lies have been told. Soo many promises to change have turned out to be lies.

But God is bigger than these problems, I know. which is why I'm so torn.

***What's most worrisome to me now is when I express that im suffering or pain of what he's done to me he always reacts like "why are you upset NOW...," or , "again,!???" or ",still?" ... like there is indeed a huge lack of empathy or understanding of the seriousness of what he has done. This seems like a red flag to me. ****

Then my Christian background says ,"but God prefers healing marriages, God prefers reconciliation, God wants to see what he has brought together, together"

If my ex were indifferent or just begging I could handle it. He seems so genuine now,but I just can't trust him.

How can I turn my back on the only person I ever wanted to be with ?? it destroys me every day all over again.

Also, I'm 31. Childless. Always wanted a family. I don't really want to "try" 5 more with him to see if things change only to find out that he's the same and have to start life over again.

Please pray for me for clarity and peace on this issue.

****hugs and many thanks!!!!****
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#2
Mar 13, 2014
41,313
16,301
113
69
Tennessee
#2
A man that loves his wife does not even contemplate cheating on her let alone actually do it. The only good in this situation is that he has only wasted a total of 4 years of your life instead of you enduring many years of this horrible abuse.

You did the right thing in divorcing this creep and please don't be deceived from this crying jag he's on to win you back. He definitely is not sincere. He betrayed your trust and this can never be restored.

Once you have healed a little bit pray to God to search and find a loving and faithful man of your heart's desire and perhaps start a family with.

Under no circumstances should you take this guy back, only to have him hurt you again and again. If you do you will sorely regret it. Don't waste any more of your precious time on this foolish and destructive person.

We all make mistakes, myself included. Time to let go, let God and move forward with your life. Your situation is not unique on this site, there are many others that tell similar heartbreaking stories so please know that you are not alone in this.

Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the other members of this site. Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#3
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#3
Thank God that you didn't have any kids with him!! :eek:

God always uses divorce to bring something better to those people's lives. :) Hubby made this mess, let him wallow in it.. Cheaters never stop cheating. 3 of my exes will tell you that.. LOL

Don't let him sucker you into going back. Those tears are for himself, NOT because he lost you. He probably thought you'd be stupid enough to stay and let him make a fool out of you again and again..
 
N

NoNameMcgee

Guest
#4
#4
im 26
never married
single since i was 17

and probably not equipped with the understanding to help here


but geez....

im sorry you had to go through that and are GOING through that

...
sounds heart breaking and terrifying

may God bless you and show you his will in this matter


at least you can see clearly enough to pray to him in times like these

and not let your emotions just pull you around left and right

crying is ok and you will be in my prayers
 
G

Galatea

Guest
#5
#5
I have not been married, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. I think if he had an emotional attachment, fell in love with these women, it would be much worse. His hooking up without being in love with them, might be easier to bear (if I were in your situation, it would be easier for me to accept that other women had had his body than if they had his heart). I do not know if it is right or wrong for you to try again. It is something you should see a counselor about, for sure. I will say I have known of two couples who divorced (due to infidelity on the husband's part) and later reconciled and remarried.

I thought I might give the other side, since the staying divorced angle has been stated already.

Whatever YOU decide to do, examine what God's will is for you, and get some counseling.

May God bless you.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#6
Mar 26, 2014
4,328
2,361
113
#6
thesparrows said:
Hi Everyone,

***What's most worrisome to me now is when I express that im suffering or pain of what he's done to me he always reacts like "why are you upset NOW...," or , "again,!???" or ",still?" ... like there is indeed a huge lack of empathy or understanding of the seriousness of what he has done. This seems like a red flag to me. ****
Click to expand...
Yep that's a major red flag, at least to me it is. However genuine his tears are or are not, he has yet to show any genuine care for your feelings and emotional health. That doesn't take a personality disorder, it just takes a whole heap of sin and selfishness. But if in the midst of his tears he's still getting mad at you for being upset about being cheated on, exactly when will he allow you to be upset about something and not get angry at you for it?

I haven't been through this, but best theoretical advice I can give is to say if you really want to be with this guy and you're sure you want your children to have him as a father, tell him you'll commit to not dating anyone else for a year, but you want a year without contact and if he can use that year to get himself together, deal with whatever the root cause of his infidelity is, and make some real changes, then you might consider dating him when you start dating again. But for now, I'd advise finishing the divorce process and spending that year apart so that you can work through some of the emotional stuff you're dealing with and get better perspective on this relationship. And whatever you do, please don't go back to him until he has demonstrated real change for a decent period of time.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#7
#7
thesparrows said:
Hi Everyone,

First of all sorry for the long post.. if it's too long for you just skim over it better than skipping it completely! I appreciate it with all my heart ,:)

About a year ago I found out my husband was being unfaithful after less than a year of marriage. We seemed to have the perfect marriage (and perfect relationship for 3 years prior) We never had any problems, literally never fought. Everything always felt as perfect as the first few weeks we started dating.

I gave him chance after chance after chance to change his ways when I found out. I made it very clear he would lose me if he continued to lie and make plans to cheat. Spent 3 months crying every day, begging him, giving him more chances but each time he would promise and swear that either he was innovent or going to stop...only to invent more lies and find new ways to hide his behavior. Each day he would just lie more and more to me. Worst part of this is it wasn't a case where he was "confused about his feelings" or had "fallen in love" with someone else. It was all just for "hookups". and believe me there was no lack of intimacy in our relationship... to say the least.

He demonstrated zero conscience regarding any of his behavior. Completely straight-faced all the times I cried, sometimes even getting mad ,(ex. at night...if he couldn't sleep)

I talked to a Christian pastor/counselor who encouraged me to divorce as I am justified and they believe Im dealing with a guy with a classic personality disorder involving lack of empathy/conscience.

I divorced him and left. I ended up going back to him after him begging me to come back, but then left again (which I was SURE was the final time. Then he complicated everything and the guy I had never seen shed a tear broke down crying. Hard. For the first time in the year since I found out, I felt he actually was genuine. He says he wants to get counseling with a pastor, whatever it takes. Says he's been begging God praying that I will give him another (1000th) chance. This has me sooooo torn. He cries all the time now on the phone too. Not like,trying to make a show. Sometimes just quietly like he doesnt want me to hear. I can never see myself being 100% happy with him,or even trusting him 1% of what trust should be. So much damage has been done, and soooo many lies have been told. Soo many promises to change have turned out to be lies.

But God is bigger than these problems, I know. which is why I'm so torn.

***What's most worrisome to me now is when I express that im suffering or pain of what he's done to me he always reacts like "why are you upset NOW...," or , "again,!???" or ",still?" ... like there is indeed a huge lack of empathy or understanding of the seriousness of what he has done. This seems like a red flag to me. ****

Then my Christian background says ,"but God prefers healing marriages, God prefers reconciliation, God wants to see what he has brought together, together"

If my ex were indifferent or just begging I could handle it. He seems so genuine now,but I just can't trust him.

How can I turn my back on the only person I ever wanted to be with ?? it destroys me every day all over again.

Also, I'm 31. Childless. Always wanted a family. I don't really want to "try" 5 more with him to see if things change only to find out that he's the same and have to start life over again.

Please pray for me for clarity and peace on this issue.

****hugs and many thanks!!!!****
Click to expand...
Emotional abuse. And one thing about abusers, they know how to pull at your heartstrings and give very sincere seeming tears and apologies. But this guy isn't smart enough to hide his genuine indifference to your feelings. He's only acting on his own benefit, not out of love. Going back to him will cause more pain.
 
L

lovingladyo4

Member
#8
Feb 22, 2017
74
7
8
#8
Thank you for unloading this horrific burden. You have exposed the depth of your soul and I hope you can find comfort knowing that God is on your side and hears the cries of your heart.

I can only offer you my personal opinion about how I view this play of events. Yes, your husband might be displaying a repentent heart but that is only the first step in a transformation. The loss of trust is the biggest and most crucuial factor as you have mentioned, so if it were me, I would let him go, and trust God that your husband's life can be retsored by God's mercy and power apart from you. He still seems to depend on you for the outome of his own personal destiny, and at this time, any growth that takes place must come from God and not you. Time always revelas many things, and I believe your security needs to be anchored in God right now and not the empty promises of your husband. Guilt should not be in this equation. He needs a new heart that can see you for who you are apart from his own needs.

I pray that you will seek God and get His guidance and direction before doing anything. As hard as it is, you know that God works all things together for good, even when we can't grasp it at the moment. He will reveal to you what He wants you to know. Sending you my blessing.
 
T

thesparrows

Guest
#9
#9
Just wanted to send a very sincere thanks to everyone who responded, and/or prayed for me, your encouragement is invaluable. It's so humbling and comforting to have support from fellow believers. :) Thanks again...
 
CherieR

CherieR

Senior Member
#11
May 6, 2017
2,266
1,420
113
#11
I would say to ask God what you are to do and act on whatever you have peace about. If you don't have peace, don't do it. The bible says " You shall go out with joy and be lead forth with peace" Isaiah 55:12. Having a deep peace about something is one of the ways the Lord leads us.
 
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