How Do You Handle Emotional Manipulation?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

This is a topic that's been churning around in my head for several months: How do you handle it when someone tries to emotionally manipulate you?

Once upon a time, I cared about someone who claimed he was trying to change his life around, but I would constantly catch him lying about important things. Whenever I confronted him, he would automatically launch into a bevy of responses such as:

* "I wish I were worthy of your love. I know I don't deserve it. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't love me because I could never be good enough to have your love anyway."

* "Just go ahead and abandon me--everyone else does anyway. People always leave me behind."

* "I just hate myself. I'm always screwing up, and I can never do anything right. No wonder you don't want to love me."

Now that I think about it, I can't recall a single time when he actually confessed to what he'd done, nor do I ever remember him ever saying, "I'm sorry... for lying to you, for abusing your trust, for taking what you tried to help me with and using it to feed all my negative issues instead."

For a while, all his self-pity would rope me back in every single time. He'd had a very hard life, and I thought that as someone who grew up in a loving, Christian family, it was my Christian duty to be patient and understanding. After all, aren't we supposed to keep on forgiving?

But when I eventually caught him in a particularly hurtful lie, I finally told him I'd had enough, and he said, "Well, I'll always be here for you, whatever you decide--whether you decide to keep me, or just throw me away."

To me, that was the final straw. Now, I'm not saying in any way, shape, or form, that I'm perfect, but he had been the one to lie and steal, and yet, he was making ME out to be the bad guy for supposedly "abandoning" him.

I also saw over time that he wasn't "alone" as he claimed. He had not only his family but several Christian friends who defended him to the hilt over anything he did, which is part of why he was kept doing it. Girls were also often attracted to his self-pity because he could be very charming, and they all wanted to "rescue" him. In other words... he was far from alone or abandoned.

I couldn't understand how I could feel so sorry for him, and yet always allow him to make me feel as if it were me who was doing everything wrong. It took some time, but God gave me the strength to finally walk way and not look back (it took me a while though, because I kept thinking that some kind of attention, even if it was dysfunctional, was better than no attention at all.)

As I go through life, I seem to meet more and more people (especially young people) who are going through similar things, but they don't even recognize it as being abusive, nor do they know how to break free. Maybe they've grown up in families that used the same tactics, and to them, it seems "normal" because that's what they're always heard. It always makes me want to plead with them, "Please, don't be as stupid and naive as I was (and can still be)--GET OUT, NOW!!!"

What are some examples of emotional manipulation you've seen or encountered, and how have you dealt with it?

I realize this might be a very personal subject for some, so if you don't want to share specifics about your own life, maybe you could give us some general examples or statements, such as, "If someone said... such and such to me... I would choose to defend myself by doing this and that."

God bless, and thank you for sharing your thoughts on what I think is a very important topic.

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

When I detect emotional manipulation from somebody, I shut them out. I wind up hurting them by doing it, but to me, their hurt isn't worth the rollercoaster of being drawn in and pushed away by them when they need to get their vampiric fix of leeching emotional energy from somebody.

To be honest though, I've seen SOOOOO much emotional manipulation from other people that I have learned all kinds of tricks and I can be very emotionally manipulative myself by applying what I have learned. It's been useful a couple of times, but those are tales for another time.

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

Alrighty.
I understand 100% about every word you just said.
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do for any type of manipulative person, most likely they won't change.

I like the line "Just go ahead and abandon me - everyone else does anyway"
Or "I knew you would turn out like everyone else and leave me"
Those are prime examples of manipulation. When the guilt is ALWAYS turned on you, even if they say slept with another women that's not okay and a lot of people don't realize that.
Your partner whether it be a wife, husband, sister, brother, mother, father, or friend should not be constantly guilt tripping you when you get in an argument and they do something wrong or even you soon something wrong. That is not a healthy relationship.

I am apart of a teen advisory board for our local rape crisis center and we are trying to get out to high schools to explain the warning signs of things like this, and to try to get more education about what is not right in any life relationship you have, and getting resources and choices out there as well.

I think one good thing to do before any relationship to try to avoid this manipulation and abuse is to sit down and lay out rules for when you start arguing or one person needs to confront something that another did.
Stuff such as:
1) we will not yell at eachother
2) we will not guilty trip eachother, meaning using phrases such as ---
3) breaks to regain ourselves are aloud
4) past mistakes by the other will not be brought up
Ect.

And if the rules are broken you get up and you walk away and say "I'm taking a break until we can discuss the way we agreed on"

 

[seoulsearch]

When I detect emotional manipulation from somebody, I shut them out. I wind up hurting them by doing it, but to me, their hurt isn't worth the rollercoaster of being drawn in and pushed away by them when they need to get their vampiric fix of leeching emotional energy from somebody.

To be honest though, I've seen SOOOOO much emotional manipulation from other people that I have learned all kinds of tricks and I can be very emotionally manipulative myself by applying what I have learned. It's been useful a couple of times, but those are tales for another time.

Yahweh, I always dig your posts because you consistently give such raw and totally honest answers, and I completely you for respect that.

In my original story (post), I did recognize that part of why this person was so good at manipulating people is because he'd been raised by family members whose only use for other people was what they could get out of them. I felt sorry for him, thinking I could help him see a better life with genuine care, and that's part of why I put up with it for so long.

But as you point out, I'm certainly no angel, and have been plenty guilty of using various tactics over the years myself.

I've also gotten to a point where I have an automatic knee-jerk reaction to self-pity. I've almost completely lost my tolerance for it, and when I hear it in other people, my internal emotions are automatically retching because I can no longer emotionally "digest" that kind of output. Like you, I usually just remove myself from the person's presence or the situation that brings it about.

However, that also means that God has dealt with me heavily over my own motivations and self-pity, and one of the things I'm trying to practice is how to express my emotions and problems without feeling sorry for myself or twisting how others feel in the process.

It's pretty challenging because I'm a naturally very expressive person, but I know God keeps coaxing me to try.

 

[laura_charlotte]

Is this the same man whose children you raised for a number of years?

 

[Sully]

Never go up against a narcissist when emotional death is on the line. Run, run, and then one should really run fast. They ENJOY their "work"

 

[seoulsearch]

Alrighty.
I understand 100% about every word you just said.
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do for any type of manipulative person, most likely they won't change.

I like the line "Just go ahead and abandon me - everyone else does anyway"
Or "I knew you would turn out like everyone else and leave me"
Those are prime examples of manipulation. When the guilt is ALWAYS turned on you, even if they say slept with another women that's not okay and a lot of people don't realize that.
Your partner whether it be a wife, husband, sister, brother, mother, father, or friend should not be constantly guilt tripping you when you get in an argument and they do something wrong or even you soon something wrong. That is not a healthy relationship.

I am apart of a teen advisory board for our local rape crisis center and we are trying to get out to high schools to explain the warning signs of things like this, and to try to get more education about what is not right in any life relationship you have, and getting resources and choices out there as well.

I think one good thing to do before any relationship to try to avoid this manipulation and abuse is to sit down and lay out rules for when you start arguing or one person needs to confront something that another did.
Stuff such as:
1) we will not yell at eachother
2) we will not guilty trip eachother, meaning using phrases such as ---
3) breaks to regain ourselves are aloud
4) past mistakes by the other will not be brought up
Ect.

And if the rules are broken you get up and you walk away and say "I'm taking a break until we can discuss the way we agreed on"

Natania,

All I can say is that you are an amazing person, and I hope I'm half as smart and understanding as you are someday when I grow up.

Thank you so much for sharing. <3

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

Natania,

All I can say is that you are an amazing person, and I hope I'm half as smart and understanding as you are someday when I grow up.

Thank you so much for sharing. <3

Thank you
Any good thing you see in me is not of me but God.

Of course! Thank you for bringing this topic up.

 

[seoulsearch]

Is this the same man whose children you raised for a number of years?

Oh man, Laura. This was someone completely different--pretty sad, huh?

The last bf I had (the one with the kids) used his kids as his way of emotional blackmail. I had thought of bringing this up in my original post, but I didn't want to offend or disrespect any of our hard-working, loyal single parents here whom I know are NOT like that at all.

When I left the bf with kids, he would call me and tell me, "You can't leave. The kids miss you... they need you... (How could you abandon kids?)" And then he would yell at his kids to stop playing with their toys and come talk to me on the phone.

Being adopted myself (and often feeling abandoned), this really hit my heart right where it counted.

It was horrible. Totally heart-breaking. But I knew I had to leave. It would have been nice to have been able to take the kids out to a movie now and then, etc., but I knew it had to be a clean break. And he had plenty of other people in his life who were trying to help him and his kids.

But to this day, it still tears at my heart.

The kids were young. And to be honest, I hope they don't remember me, because I know they probably didn't understand their father's addictions. I feel extremely sad that they might think I somehow left because of them.

As you can all see... the moral of my stories are that I got myself into some pretty stupid situations, and I'm hoping that maybe by sharing, it might spare a few others from the same things.

Please--I implore you all--choose to be smarter than I am!!!

 

[zeroturbulence]

Hey Everyone,

This is a topic that's been churning around in my head for several months: How do you handle it when someone tries to emotionally manipulate you?

Once upon a time, I cared about someone who claimed he was trying to change his life around, but I would constantly catch him lying about important things. Whenever I confronted him, he would automatically launch into a bevy of responses such as:

* "I wish I were worthy of your love. I know I don't deserve it. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't love me because I could never be good enough to have your love anyway."

* "Just go ahead and abandon me--everyone else does anyway. People always leave me behind."

* "I just hate myself. I'm always screwing up, and I can never do anything right. No wonder you don't want to love me."

Now that I think about it, I can't recall a single time when he actually confessed to what he'd done, nor do I ever remember him ever saying, "I'm sorry... for lying to you, for abusing your trust, for taking what you tried to help me with and using it to feed all my negative issues instead."

For a while, all his self-pity would rope me back in every single time. He'd had a very hard life, and I thought that as someone who grew up in a loving, Christian family, it was my Christian duty to be patient and understanding. After all, aren't we supposed to keep on forgiving?

But when I eventually caught him in a particularly hurtful lie, I finally told him I'd had enough, and he said, "Well, I'll always be here for you, whatever you decide--whether you decide to keep me, or just throw me away."

To me, that was the final straw. Now, I'm not saying in any way, shape, or form, that I'm perfect, but he had been the one to lie and steal, and yet, he was making ME out to be the bad guy for supposedly "abandoning" him.

I also saw over time that he wasn't "alone" as he claimed. He had not only his family but several Christian friends who defended him to the hilt over anything he did, which is part of why he was kept doing it. Girls were also often attracted to his self-pity because he could be very charming, and they all wanted to "rescue" him. In other words... he was far from alone or abandoned.

I couldn't understand how I could feel so sorry for him, and yet always allow him to make me feel as if it were me who was doing everything wrong. It took some time, but God gave me the strength to finally walk way and not look back (it took me a while though, because I kept thinking that some kind of attention, even if it was dysfunctional, was better than no attention at all.)

As I go through life, I seem to meet more and more people (especially young people) who are going through similar things, but they don't even recognize it as being abusive, nor do they know how to break free. Maybe they've grown up in families that used the same tactics, and to them, it seems "normal" because that's what they're always heard. It always makes me want to plead with them, "Please, don't be as stupid and naive as I was (and can still be)--GET OUT, NOW!!!"

What are some examples of emotional manipulation you've seen or encountered, and how have you dealt with it?

I realize this might be a very personal subject for some, so if you don't want to share specifics about your own life, maybe you could give us some general examples or statements, such as, "If someone said... such and such to me... I would choose to defend myself by doing this and that."

God bless, and thank you for sharing your thoughts on what I think is a very important topic.

I consider myself good at spotting red flags and I never ignore them. In fact, I am one of those hyper-sensitive people that have spidey-like intuition. If I was catching someone in several lies like you mentioned, it'd be sayonara sucker! Ain't nobody got time for that!

 

[G00WZ]

That guy sounds like a narcissist.. those types of people often are destructive to other people including themselves and they carry around too much emotional baggage, and they feed off of the attention you give them.. they don't really care about you, they just care about what they can get from you, and they feel entitled to everything... they are masters of deception, and they make it seem like all is amazing on the outside, but on the inside they are rotting away... I had the displeasure of finding out one of my closest friends was one and that he was pretty much plotting against me the whole time.. it was pretty amusing because he somehow got upset over something and he decided to give me "the silent treatment" for a few weeks in hopes that i would come looking for him to see what the problem was.. i guess when he found out that i knew what he was doing, and didn't really care that he deleted/ blocked me he re- added me and just blew up saying stuff like " you'll be lonely without me" " you need me as a friend" everything he said was him projecting...Mind you
this guy used to copy word for word the things i would say and post it on his facebook like he was the one who said it... When he blew up at me he told me how much he hated my creativity and how it sucked, and yatta yatta.. ( all projections of himself). I didn't take it to heart, i already know what he needs is prayer and to be avoided... by me lol.. I cant afford to have people that destructive in my circle..especially ones who are trying to sabotage me.

So how do i handle them? .. just ignore them.. they are weak individuals who can't even control their own mind, so they have to go around trying to manipulate empathetic people so they can feel like they have some type of power... when you ignore them, like truly ignore them they fade away because they don't really have the strength to pursue you.. and a lot of them are just side-line haters anyways.pray for them then just Ignore them, succeed in whatever it is you are doing
and enjoy your life.. nobody has time for emotional games... well they do, but that's their life, not yours.

 

[seoulsearch]

I consider myself good at spotting red flags and I never ignore them. In fact, I am one of those hyper-sensitive people that have spidey-like intuition. If I was catching someone in several lies like you mentioned, it'd be sayonara sucker! Ain't nobody got time for that!

This is such a good point, Zero.

I know that as time has gone by, as much as I'd love to find the right person just like everyone else, I've found that my heart is being tugged more towards trying to help others avoid some of the major pitfalls I dove straight into myself.

It's especially heartbreaking to read some of the teen and young adult forums when some of these younger Christians think they're head-over-heels in love with THE ONE--and the rest of us can see not just red flags, but that the entire building is on fire and on the verge of collapsing.

I read a quote once by the pop star Rihanna that I really liked (paraphrase): "A child only knows an oven is hot when she touches it and gets burned. That's how I've learned a lot of things in my life."

Unfortunately, I've been exactly the same way in my relationships. No one could tell me any differently--I had to find out for myself. My thought is always that maybe, if we can spare just one other person from the bad choices we've made or situations we've been through, it's more than worth it to share. Even better, maybe we can even help those who share move a step closer to healing in the process.

And for the ones like me who wouldn't listen anyway, at least we can let them know that someone cares, and that we won't give up on praying for them.

 

[Gary]

It's not just the younger ones who are blinded by red flags! Sometimes it even happens to people in their late 40s...cough cough!

This is such a good point, Zero.

I know that as time has gone by, as much as I'd love to find the right person just like everyone else, I've found that my heart is being tugged more towards trying to help others avoid some of the major pitfalls I dove straight into myself.

It's especially heartbreaking to read some of the teen and young adult forums when some of these younger Christians think they're head-over-heels in love with THE ONE--and the rest of us can see not just red flags, but that the entire building is on fire and on the verge of collapsing.

I read a quote once by the pop star Rihanna that I really liked (paraphrase): "A child only knows an oven is hot when she touches it and gets burned. That's how I've learned a lot of things in my life."

Unfortunately, I've been exactly the same way in my relationships. No one could tell me any differently--I had to find out for myself. My thought is always that maybe, if we can spare just one other person from the bad choices we've made or situations we've been through, it's more than worth it to share. Even better, maybe we can even help those who share move a step closer to healing in the process.

And for the ones like me who wouldn't listen anyway, at least we can let them know that someone cares, and that we won't give up on praying for them.

 

[Rachel20]

I have found myself more susceptible to emotional manipulation when I was dealing with a situation as a lone wolf.

It's always best to get perspectives of the people who are part of your trusted circle and whose intentions for you are for the best.

We all have our blind spots. So far, gaining feedback from my trusted circle has worked for me.

Other than that, in general, I just say no to drama.

 

[WineRose]

One of my friends back in Malaysia, who was, in fact, my last male friend as of now, used to be a geniunely nice and caring person, but then he started bullying everyone, excluding me. However, I was still not happy because he would especially target my friends and be a huge perv to them. When I confronted him about it, all I got were his big sad puppy eyes and his multiple promises to never do that again. These promises, of course, were complete horse manure because the next day he would go and mess around with my friends the very next day. I tend not to associate with these kinds of people anymore. Or pretty much anyone else.

If someone tries to pull this horse manure on me again, I would tell him to...sorry, I don't think I can say it here :/

 

[AbigailZeke]

Hello, Kim! Sounds like a passive-aggressive stinker. I have Katie to thank for introducing me the book Boundaries. It taught me how to recognise emotional un-health and I've learned to deal with it my way.

If I was me not so long ago, I'd jump at the opportunity of 'rescuing' this guy. I also believed it's part of my Christian duty. But that's all crap now.

I know what I can handle, and this kind of people is just out of my league (at least for now, people are always changing). They have issues and must be dealt with but I've learned that Jesus has set apart other kinds of people that work well with them, leading them to freedom.

Some people have the extra extra extra patience needed to keep up with emotionally unhealthy jerks like him, as well as the resistance to their toxins, meaning, they don't get as affected as some of us do if they try to manipulate us.

I think, the fact that it affects us, means we're already under their control.

I used to entertain 'them', give them my precious time and advise and stuff. But I only ended up at the receiving end of their toxin. It's a tough place to be in.

Now, though, and I give 0 darns what they think about me, I would tell them the truth. The last person I had to deal with, with similar guilt tripping ways as this guy, I told them: "I'm not the kind of friend you need. I can't trust you and you obviously don't trust me."

Maybe if I meet people like them again I'll tell them to go ask Jesus for someone else.

 

[Lynx]

Well... as I have never been "in a relationship" I can't say anything about the OP (original premise) of this thread. All I know is people at work trying to foist their jobs off on others by using emotional tactics. Fortunately I'm only an observer in those situations too, because I'm not a manager and never intend to become one, and I'm always too busy to do their work for them anyway so they never play that on me.

I am however a great believer in learning from the mistakes of others (because heaven knows I will never have enough time in my one life to make all the mistakes myself) so I do read threads like these. I do appreciate how much it must hurt to go over the pain of such things in order to relate them in a forum post, but be assured it is valuable information for those of us who have not been there before. We thank you for sharing your experiences.

Hello, Kim! Sounds like a passive-aggressive stinker. I have Katie to thank for introducing me the book Boundaries. It taught me how to recognise emotional un-health and I've learned to deal with it my way.

Welcome to the Passive-Aggressive Club. It's okay that you're twenty minutes late. Sure, go get a cup of coffee, we'll wait.

 

[brighthouse98]

What a very excellent topic Seoulsearch!! Yes sister we learn the hard way sometimes for sure! I remember when I first came to the Lord, I had been through two tours of Vietnam,I went to my pastor to speak on some of the things which still haunted me, he promised not to tell anyone, but 3 days later the rest of the church found out!!

Holy Spirit then reveled this scripture to me.( psalm 118:8!!!) You were so correct in what you did! People can say anything, but from what they do tells us all we need to know!!( James 1:22) If someone says they love you, then there actions will always show this!( Proverbs 17:17!!!)

And when they stop once,then they will stop again to! So thanks sister,I am so glad you were wise enough to learn, some never do!! I would feel sorry for them,but if you are dum enough to be used as a doormat again and again,then you are not using the mind God gave you! I sure learned to!! LOL

 

[cinder]

One of the things I remember reading online about this topic could be summed up as saying: if you're finding yourself often motivated or responding to the other person out of fear, obligation, or guilt; the relationship is emotionally unhealthy and you need to get out (I'll add to that, even if you feel like a horrible person for doing so).

 

[LittleBit1987]

Umm.... I don't?

I refuse to cater to to someone who emotionally or mentally manipulates me. I quite literally grew up with that my whole life.... and to this day, I still don't give into that person and their "ways". I have learned that this person has been diagnosed the wrong illness their whole lives, and will manipulate anyone to get what they want... and yes that includes "threatening" suicide... when they have done this my whole life.

I don't mean to sound bitter and hatful... cause I DO love this person... but growing up with the manipulation my whole life... I just don't have the patience to handle them anymore, and when they get that way... I shut off and away from them. Let's just say no "child" should have to put up with this kind of behavior from their parent.... no matter what.