Hey Everyone,
This is a topic that's been churning around in my head for several months: How do you handle it when someone tries to emotionally manipulate you?
Once upon a time, I cared about someone who claimed he was trying to change his life around, but I would constantly catch him lying about important things. Whenever I confronted him, he would automatically launch into a bevy of responses such as:
* "I wish I were worthy of your love. I know I don't deserve it. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't love me because I could never be good enough to have your love anyway."
* "Just go ahead and abandon me--everyone else does anyway. People always leave me behind."
* "I just hate myself. I'm always screwing up, and I can never do anything right. No wonder you don't want to love me."
Now that I think about it, I can't recall a single time when he actually confessed to what he'd done, nor do I ever remember him ever saying, "I'm sorry... for lying to you, for abusing your trust, for taking what you tried to help me with and using it to feed all my negative issues instead."
For a while, all his self-pity would rope me back in every single time. He'd had a very hard life, and I thought that as someone who grew up in a loving, Christian family, it was my Christian duty to be patient and understanding. After all, aren't we supposed to keep on forgiving?
But when I eventually caught him in a particularly hurtful lie, I finally told him I'd had enough, and he said, "Well, I'll always be here for you, whatever you decide--whether you decide to keep me, or just throw me away."
To me, that was the final straw. Now, I'm not saying in any way, shape, or form, that I'm perfect, but he had been the one to lie and steal, and yet, he was making ME out to be the bad guy for supposedly "abandoning" him.
I also saw over time that he wasn't "alone" as he claimed. He had not only his family but several Christian friends who defended him to the hilt over anything he did, which is part of why he was kept doing it. Girls were also often attracted to his self-pity because he could be very charming, and they all wanted to "rescue" him. In other words... he was far from alone or abandoned.
I couldn't understand how I could feel so sorry for him, and yet always allow him to make me feel as if it were me who was doing everything wrong. It took some time, but God gave me the strength to finally walk way and not look back (it took me a while though, because I kept thinking that some kind of attention, even if it was dysfunctional, was better than no attention at all.)
As I go through life, I seem to meet more and more people (especially young people) who are going through similar things, but they don't even recognize it as being abusive, nor do they know how to break free. Maybe they've grown up in families that used the same tactics, and to them, it seems "normal" because that's what they're always heard. It always makes me want to plead with them, "Please, don't be as stupid and naive as I was (and can still be)--GET OUT, NOW!!!"
What are some examples of emotional manipulation you've seen or encountered, and how have you dealt with it?
I realize this might be a very personal subject for some, so if you don't want to share specifics about your own life, maybe you could give us some general examples or statements, such as, "If someone said... such and such to me... I would choose to defend myself by doing this and that."
God bless, and thank you for sharing your thoughts on what I think is a very important topic.
This is a topic that's been churning around in my head for several months: How do you handle it when someone tries to emotionally manipulate you?
Once upon a time, I cared about someone who claimed he was trying to change his life around, but I would constantly catch him lying about important things. Whenever I confronted him, he would automatically launch into a bevy of responses such as:
* "I wish I were worthy of your love. I know I don't deserve it. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't love me because I could never be good enough to have your love anyway."
* "Just go ahead and abandon me--everyone else does anyway. People always leave me behind."
* "I just hate myself. I'm always screwing up, and I can never do anything right. No wonder you don't want to love me."
Now that I think about it, I can't recall a single time when he actually confessed to what he'd done, nor do I ever remember him ever saying, "I'm sorry... for lying to you, for abusing your trust, for taking what you tried to help me with and using it to feed all my negative issues instead."
For a while, all his self-pity would rope me back in every single time. He'd had a very hard life, and I thought that as someone who grew up in a loving, Christian family, it was my Christian duty to be patient and understanding. After all, aren't we supposed to keep on forgiving?
But when I eventually caught him in a particularly hurtful lie, I finally told him I'd had enough, and he said, "Well, I'll always be here for you, whatever you decide--whether you decide to keep me, or just throw me away."
To me, that was the final straw. Now, I'm not saying in any way, shape, or form, that I'm perfect, but he had been the one to lie and steal, and yet, he was making ME out to be the bad guy for supposedly "abandoning" him.
I also saw over time that he wasn't "alone" as he claimed. He had not only his family but several Christian friends who defended him to the hilt over anything he did, which is part of why he was kept doing it. Girls were also often attracted to his self-pity because he could be very charming, and they all wanted to "rescue" him. In other words... he was far from alone or abandoned.
I couldn't understand how I could feel so sorry for him, and yet always allow him to make me feel as if it were me who was doing everything wrong. It took some time, but God gave me the strength to finally walk way and not look back (it took me a while though, because I kept thinking that some kind of attention, even if it was dysfunctional, was better than no attention at all.)
As I go through life, I seem to meet more and more people (especially young people) who are going through similar things, but they don't even recognize it as being abusive, nor do they know how to break free. Maybe they've grown up in families that used the same tactics, and to them, it seems "normal" because that's what they're always heard. It always makes me want to plead with them, "Please, don't be as stupid and naive as I was (and can still be)--GET OUT, NOW!!!"
What are some examples of emotional manipulation you've seen or encountered, and how have you dealt with it?
I realize this might be a very personal subject for some, so if you don't want to share specifics about your own life, maybe you could give us some general examples or statements, such as, "If someone said... such and such to me... I would choose to defend myself by doing this and that."
God bless, and thank you for sharing your thoughts on what I think is a very important topic.