Disturbing Attitudes on this Forum

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G

Galatea

Guest
#1
Ever since I joined CC, I have noticed a disturbing philosophy on the Singles Forum. I have long wanted to make a thread about it, but did not want to be unpopular, or alienate people, etc.

I have alienated quite a few people here, so I suppose I can now say what is on my heart without fear. A few more people blocking me will be par for the course at this point, lol.

I am disturbed by this philosophy of calling people "toxic, emotional black holes, parasites, cancers, etc." I am disturbed when I read about people cutting other people out of their lives. This is unChristian, and I don't think is biblical at all. It is unloving. Perhaps I feel this keenly because I am a vampire myself and tend to be a drain, lol.

We are all toxic in some respect, but God has told us to love others as we would love ourselves. How many people here would feel loved if a friend cut you out of his life because you were an "emotional drain"?

Love endureth all things. Love never faileth- even when a person is being a drain.

Not to commend myself, but if I come home from working and do not feel emotionally drained, I know I did not do a good job that day. I was not poured out for my kids. I was selfish. If I am emotionally exhausted, I know I was poured out that day and did not wall myself up and did not ignore their emotional needs.

Yesterday, I was in the library with students playing a board game. My turn supervising the students was over, and I wanted to go outside to look at the eclipse. This was my selfish desire. But we were in the middle of a board game and I could not leave them because I know Jesus would not leave them and would put their needs over His own. I stayed the extra hour and let God show His love through me. Not bragging- every bone and fiber in me wanted to escape to my classroom and use the hour to grade papers or surf the net and I most definitely wanted to see the eclipse.

But I let God pour me out. Anyway, if you come in contact with a human parasite- a vampire like myself, there could be worse things than being emotionally drained. You could be unneeded. At least a vampire needs you.
 

WineRose

Senior Member
Jan 3, 2017
3,631
265
83
Row A, Column 9
#2
...So how are you able to apply makeup and take care of your face, since you're a vampire and you don't have a reflection? :/

Anyhoooooo...this is a great idea for a thread. I noticed that quite a lot, too.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
8,103
113
#3
Galatea the thread to which you refer wasn't talking about that. Everybody can be drained sometimes and we all occasionally need somebody else.

That thread was talking about something quite different, people who have made an art out of getting what they want by draining people around them, usually by clever use of guilt. The thread was talking about people who are ALWAYS taking, taking, taking, always looking for some new way to wring just a little bit more out of the people they know.

I'm not sure how you got the wrong impression of that other thread, but what you seem to have taken it to mean is not at all what it meant.
 
G

Galatea

Guest
#4
Galatea the thread to which you refer wasn't talking about that. Everybody can be drained sometimes and we all occasionally need somebody else.

That thread was talking about something quite different, people who have made an art out of getting what they want by draining people around them, usually by clever use of guilt. The thread was talking about people who are ALWAYS taking, taking, taking, always looking for some new way to wring just a little bit more out of the people they know.

I'm not sure how you got the wrong impression of that other thread, but what you seem to have taken it to mean is not at all what it meant.
But even those takers need the love of God, too. The love of God is expressed through people. If we give up on them, then God's love can not reach them.

I am not blameless, I have neglected my father who is a difficult person and have cut off contact from him for periods of time.
 
G

Galatea

Guest
#5
...So how are you able to apply makeup and take care of your face, since you're a vampire and you don't have a reflection? :/

Anyhoooooo...this is a great idea for a thread. I noticed that quite a lot, too.
I apply it very poorly without a mirror. It is rather difficult and looks like Joker from Batman. Lol
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
8,103
113
#6
Even the Bible tells us to avoid some people...

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime."
But if the man refuses to learn to fish, will you keep giving him a fish every day? Some people refuse to learn to fish because it is easier to just have somebody give them a fish. And sometimes it is better for those people if you stop giving them a fish, so they will get up and learn to do it for themselves.

It's called tough love, and it never feels good - for the person giving it or the person receiving it. But it is sometimes the only way to solve the problem.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#7
I'm sure that I have expressed myself this way at times, to just simply cut off the people who may annoy you or bother you. I agree with you that it would indeed be sad if you were no longer truly needed as a result of isolating yourself from the rest of the world. You wrote a very thought provoking OP.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#8
But even those takers need the love of God, too. The love of God is expressed through people. If we give up on them, then God's love can not reach them.

I am not blameless, I have neglected my father who is a difficult person and have cut off contact from him for periods of time.
I understand completely that God calls us to love the unlovely, seeing as, in our sin, we are just as unlovely to God as well.

When I wrote my thread, I was thinking of issues such as codependency and when we need to break ourselves off from people who aren't just needy, but are also abusing other people.

The "love of God" can look very different from what we might traditionally think, and may have to be applied differently in different situations. I have often told stories about my former alcoholic ex-boyfriend who had kids. I realize this is just my opinion, but to show him the love of God would have meant cutting him off of all finances, putting him in rehab and throwing away the key, and only allowing his kids supervised visitations in which they would have had to be taken to see him at the center.

The only reason he was able to keep his children was because of everything I was doing for them (that's not bragging--that's an example of me making poor decisions to enable someone with an emotional black hole.) I agonized over leaving because of the kids. But I also knew a relative would be forced to step up and help, and that the kids would still be safe and given a loving home.

This boyfriend was becoming more forceful and verging on physical abuse, and it was angering me to the point of knowing it was only a matter of time before I would start to fight back, because I'm not very good at being a victim. None of the possible outcomes could have been positive, so I finally decided to leave.

He lost custody of his children only a few months after I left. Now some would say I was heartless. But if I had felt that the kids were going to be lost in the court system, I would have gathered all the evidence (even 4 years after we broke up, I still kept finding empty booze bottles hidden around my yard) and petitioned the court to adopt them myself. But relatives who truly loved the kids wound up getting them in the end.

I agonized over that situation like no one's business. The little one especially was like my own baby. But in the end (for personal reasons I won't state on the forum), I had to cut all ties. I would have loved to have been able to keep a relationship with the kids, but as it was, I came close to getting a restraining order against their father, and any contact had to be severed. Fortunately, the kids were very young, and to this day, I pray that they don't remember me so that they don't think I just abandoned them with no explanation. They would be grown adults today.

This is just one of several situations in my life that were very difficult for me because I was trying to find the balance between showing the love of God, and instead, reinforcing and enabling codependent, addictive behaviors.

Sometimes, showing the love of God also means that you have to LEAVE them to God.

For instance, Galatea, as a teacher, I know that by law you must be required to report any suspicions of abuse, correct?

If you have a child who is being abused in any way at home, it's very possible that the only solution is to remove the child from the home and cut off all ties with the abusers. It's not a a particularly happy ending for the people involved, but it may very well be the only choice. The child certainly might not see being ripped away from their family as "the love of God", but in some cases, what other options are there, especially if the abuser does not or will not change?



P.S. In my original thread, I wrote that there was going to be a Part 2.

I intended that second thread to be: "The Emotional Black Hole -- When Nothing EVERYONE ELSE Does Is Enough."

In other words, it was going to be a reflection of self, and how we ourselves handle our own emotional black holes. I maybe not post it now, seeing as a few people already stated their thoughts in the original thread, and will probably post more about that topic here, voiding out any need for me to write my planned second thread.

However, out of respect for your thread, I won't post my second thread (if I even decide to post it at all now) until people have had the chance to thoroughly read and reply to yours first.
 
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U

Ugly

Guest
#9
The Bible certainly does show examples of avoiding some people, after a point. "Do not throw pearls before swine".
Also Abraham and... someone I forget, had travelled together and bickered frequently during that time. Once they arrived at their destination they were aware of their inability to get along and both chose to part ways and split the land, settling in different areas away from each other.

This idea that if we don't push ourselves till we are drained brings up other ideas, such as how some used to flog their own bodies in an attempt to drive out sin (suffering equals holiness). Or people that believe poverty is a requirement for holy living. None of these teachings, including what you suggest, are actually biblical, but rather concepts that are manmade that we believe make us more spiritual.
But these are works based concepts, not spiritual. Not biblical.
Jesus himself often, while battling the Pharisees, using different wording, essentially called them toxic for, among other things, the negative influence they were in so many people's lives. They were a drain.
We see in the bible instances of God abandoning entire cities. God doesn't get drained. He does require is to be wise, though. Wisdom suggests knowing when to stay and when to leave.
Read Matthew 23.

Actually what this makes me think of is a perfectionist. This "if I can't do it perfectly then I shouldn't do it at all" sort of thinking. I should know, I suffer from think too and it holds me back, often. Ironically this is a very self centered motive.

Also we can't deny that God commanded rest. He did not, however, say that that rest was only for those that lived up to a certain standard of daily self sacrifice in order to earn it.

I will agree with you that, often times, people do not push themselves enough when it comes to other people. But i would also see your view as the opposite end of the spectrum, and therefore unbalanced.

Granted I don't know you, really, but from what little I've observed you have not come across as draining.
But when you consider things such as extrovert and introvert personalities, it is telling. Extroverts are, in a sense, vampire. They feed off of interactions with others. Not maliciously, but rather as part of their makeup.
Introverts, on the other hand, are givers by nature. For us being social is always draining.
Different people have different roles and different needs to fulfill those roles. Many in the church are unaware of this and want to jump all people into the same role, creating a body full of hands, but no feet, for example.
This belief you hold may be a wrong perception that is more damaging than good, or it may be something necessary for your role. I would encourage you to spend some time in prayer seeking the answer. If you're wrong, you don't know what damage you could be doing, if it is what you should be doing, then you have nothing to lose by making sure.
But if it is for your role, keep in mind we are all called to be different for our place in the body. So what is expected of you may not be expected of others.
I will agree, however, that we all have work to do on ourselves. Myself included, probably twice, haha.
 
Mar 11, 2016
3,055
241
63
Singapore
abigail.pro
#10
Jesus loves the rich young ruler, but He didn't chase him down.

Jesus loves criminals, but there's a reason they're in prison.

The truth is, He loves them more than we, or you Gal, could ever do. We each have our part in the body of Christ. If we go where we we're not called to go to, who will take our place?

I agree that we are to love as Jesus did, as well as be wise with what Jesus gifted us with.

If you value God's calling for you and know your part to play in the kingdom, then this is a great advise:

Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.
 
Mar 11, 2016
3,055
241
63
Singapore
abigail.pro
#11
Jesus himself often, while battling the Pharisees, using different wording, essentially called them toxic for, among other things, the negative influence they were in so many people's lives.
"You brood of vipers?" - happens to be one of my favorite lines in the bible. Lol.

Actually what this makes me think of is a perfectionist. This "if I can't do it perfectly then I shouldn't do it at all" sort of thinking. I should know, I suffer from think too and it holds me back, often. Ironically this is a very self centered motive.

Also we can't deny that God commanded rest. He did not, however, say that that rest was only for those that lived up to a certain standard of daily self sacrifice in order to earn it.

I will agree with you that, often times, people do not push themselves enough when it comes to other people. But i would also see your view as the opposite end of the spectrum, and therefore unbalanced.

Granted I don't know you, really, but from what little I've observed you have not come across as draining.
But when you consider things such as extrovert and introvert personalities, it is telling. Extroverts are, in a sense, vampire. They feed off of interactions with others. Not maliciously, but rather as part of their makeup.
Introverts, on the other hand, are givers by nature. For us being social is always draining.
Different people have different roles and different needs to fulfill those roles. Many in the church are unaware of this and want to jump all people into the same role, creating a body full of hands, but no feet, for example.
This belief you hold may be a wrong perception that is more damaging than good, or it may be something necessary for your role. I would encourage you to spend some time in prayer seeking the answer. If you're wrong, you don't know what damage you could be doing, if it is what you should be doing, then you have nothing to lose by making sure.
But if it is for your role, keep in mind we are all called to be different for our place in the body. So what is expected of you may not be expected of others.
I will agree, however, that we all have work to do on ourselves. Myself included, probably twice, haha.
Wisdom right here.
 
R

renewed_hope

Guest
#12
I understand completely that God calls us to love the unlovely, seeing as, in our sin, we are just as unlovely to God as well.

When I wrote my thread, I was thinking of issues such as codependency and when we need to break ourselves off from people who aren't just needy, but are also abusing other people.

The "love of God" can look very different from what we might traditionally think, and may have to be applied differently in different situations. I have often told stories about my former alcoholic ex-boyfriend who had kids. I realize this is just my opinion, but to show him the love of God would have meant cutting him off of all finances, putting him in rehab and throwing away the key, and only allowing his kids supervised visitations in which they would have had to be taken to see him at the center.

The only reason he was able to keep his children was because of everything I was doing for them (that's not bragging--that's an example of me making poor decisions to enable someone with an emotional black hole.) I agonized over leaving because of the kids. But I also knew a relative would be forced to step up and help, and that the kids would still be safe and given a loving home.

This boyfriend was becoming more forceful and verging on physical abuse, and it was angering me to the point of knowing it was only a matter of time before I would start to fight back, because I'm not very good at being a victim. None of the possible outcomes could have been positive, so I finally decided to leave.

He lost custody of his children only a few months after I left. Now some would say I was heartless. But if I had felt that the kids were going to be lost in the court system, I would have gathered all the evidence (even 4 years after we broke up, I still kept finding empty booze bottles hidden around my yard) and petitioned the court to adopt them myself. But relatives who truly loved the kids wound up getting them in the end.

I agonized over that situation like no one's business. The little one especially was like my own baby. But in the end (for personal reasons I won't state on the forum), I had to cut all ties. I would have loved to have been able to keep a relationship with the kids, but as it was, I came close to getting a restraining order against their father, and any contact had to be severed. Fortunately, the kids were very young, and to this day, I pray that they don't remember me so that they don't think I just abandoned them with no explanation. They would be grown adults today.

This is just one of several situations in my life that were very difficult for me because I was trying to find the balance between showing the love of God, and instead, reinforcing and enabling codependent, addictive behaviors.

Sometimes, showing the love of God also means that you have to LEAVE them to God.

For instance, Galatea, as a teacher, I know that by law you must be required to report any suspicions of abuse, correct?

If you have a child who is being abused in any way at home, it's very possible that the only solution is to remove the child from the home and cut off all ties with the abusers. It's not a a particularly happy ending for the people involved, but it may very well be the only choice. The child certainly might not see being ripped away from their family as "the love of God", but in some cases, what other options are there, especially if the abuser does not or will not change?



P.S. In my original thread, I wrote that there was going to be a Part 2.

I intended that second thread to be: "The Emotional Black Hole -- When Nothing EVERYONE ELSE Does Is Enough."

In other words, it was going to be a reflection of self, and how we ourselves handle our own emotional black holes. I maybe not post it now, seeing as a few people already stated their thoughts in the original thread, and will probably post more about that topic here, voiding out any need for me to write my planned second thread.

However, out of respect for your thread, I won't post my second thread (if I even decide to post it at all now) until people have had the chance to thoroughly read and reply to yours first.
Kim,

I agree with you to a point, however your definition of abuse or toxic behavior is vastly different than what other people would. I don't mean to cause problems here, but so many people walk away from one little scuffle with someone when it was only a one time thing. On that note God uses us when we are at our most unlovable and when we are broken because he uses our brokenness to make us better and stronger. This independence thing is sickening because God needs us to call on him and show humility when we can't handle a situation on our own and how can we do that if we turn our back on our brothers and sisters in Christ?. For example, I have a friend who was always coming to me because her home life was horrible. Every day she would tell me what her boyfriend did to her and what a horrible person she was for moving in with him. Truthfully, it was exhausting doing this daily but I knew that God placed her in my path for a reason and kept asking God for strength in ministering to her. I invited her to come to church with me and she accepted Christ and left her boyfriend. Now, if I would have ended that friendship I wouldn't be guaranteed she would have gotten saved. I loved on her when no one else would, that is the epitome of Christ and I take pride in that. We need to be more like Christ. Now, you can always give yourself some distance from these people, but don't close them off
 

JosephsDreams

Senior Member
Dec 31, 2015
4,313
467
83
#13
Hi G. If your referring in part to the comment I made on my post about having to put some distance between a friend and me please hear me out.
i am sensitive to this as my dad treated people like disposal objects; I saw him cut off people again and again. I do not treat people like that and am not, like that.

I did not say I was ending the relationship, just putting a little distance.
Also I have tried for many years with him. I do not mind saying I have been a very good friend. I pray for him, encourage him, him, intently listen for literally hours at a time - for literally years and hundreds of conversations.
Sacrificed dinners, lunches, money, time away from other things I needed to get done.
In the ultimate hope he would come to Christ.

He has not changed one iota. Still angry, still a filthy mouth - which I really do not like hearing - and still negative and self absorbed to the hilt.
Is not any closer to salvation, at least as far as I can tell, then before.

i am a single dad and also working part time and also studying to further my career credentials in my field. Not to mention doing the most I can t use my time to devote to service to the Lord.

so yes, I agree, I do not like those words either; toxic, emotionally draining, etc. I did not use those terms. Yet unfortunately it does accurately describe some people; thats just the reality of some people and how they conduct their lives.

There does come a point where for our own sake we either have put distance or cut the cord entirely. Hopefully we are all doing it prayfully and deliberately.
 
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Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
24,555
13,320
113
#14
Having only briefly scanned this thread, I'll add just a few brief comments:

Jesus gave when it was His Father's will that He give. He withheld when it was His Father's will that He withhold. The key is not to allow a philosophy or agenda dictate our actions, but to be in step with the Holy Spirit, Who will sometimes call us to give generously and even sacrificially, and sometimes call us to do something that might not be "nice" (in the world's eyes) because He has a different purpose for us at that time.

The moment we submit ourselves to the "nice" or "politically-correct" or "socially-acceptable" agendas as the highest purpose, we step out of the will of God. Even the right thing for the wrong reason is still wrong.

Sometimes, I pick up the hitchhiker, because I sense that is God's will for me to do at that time. Sometimes, I don't, for the same reason (I don't always hear clearly, and don't always obey perfectly!).
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#15
Kim,

I agree with you to a point, however your definition of abuse or toxic behavior is vastly different than what other people would. I don't mean to cause problems here, but so many people walk away from one little scuffle with someone when it was only a one time thing. On that note God uses us when we are at our most unlovable and when we are broken because he uses our brokenness to make us better and stronger. This independence thing is sickening because God needs us to call on him and show humility when we can't handle a situation on our own and how can we do that if we turn our back on our brothers and sisters in Christ?. For example, I have a friend who was always coming to me because her home life was horrible. Every day she would tell me what her boyfriend did to her and what a horrible person she was for moving in with him. Truthfully, it was exhausting doing this daily but I knew that God placed her in my path for a reason and kept asking God for strength in ministering to her. I invited her to come to church with me and she accepted Christ and left her boyfriend. Now, if I would have ended that friendship I wouldn't be guaranteed she would have gotten saved. I loved on her when no one else would, that is the epitome of Christ and I take pride in that. We need to be more like Christ. Now, you can always give yourself some distance from these people, but don't close them off
Can't say I agree with your interpretation of her definition being "vastly different". From my experiences it is quite accurate and your perception is vastly different from most others. Much of this comes down to personal experience, which is affected by local culture, home life, expectations we have of others, the sorts of people we keep around us, etc.. So neither of us can speak definitively as to what the norm truly us, only to what our limited view of experiences tell us.
Also your comparison is not an equal one. She shared her experience of her enabling a drunk that was headed towards physical abuse and how she had to take a stand and stop enabling in order to protect children. As well as herself.
Your story is one of someone that may seem annoying.
And that is a story I have experienced. It was actually a girlfriend, and even after we stopped dating.
She used me more as a counselor than a friend. Constantly coming to me with problems. When I was homeless she still complained to me about her life, I tried to help. When I was in the hospital, again, she would call me in the hospital to complain.. years after we broke up. It's been nearly 20 years of this behavior and guess how she's changed. Not. At. All.
I often take steps to avoid her because I tire of the endless, relentless circle of complaining and utter lack of growth on her part. It is obviously not having any positive affect on her as much of it is the same issues over and over.

The truth is there is no one easy answer. Some people need to be cut off, like in Seouls example. Others need people to hang in a little longer, like in your example. It is up to us to use wisdom and guidance to know when to stay and when to go.
So anyone that states either perspective is always right needs to go study their bible and see the truth.
 

ChandlerFan

Senior Member
Jan 8, 2013
1,148
102
63
#16
Someone that I have found really helpful to read on this topic is an author by the name of Dr. Henry Cloud. His most well-known book is called Boundaries, and I have found it extremely useful and applicable in my own life.

Having boundaries can look differently for different people in different circumstances, but there are circumstances where the situation calls for distance. When you distance yourself from someone, it obviously shouldn't be done in pride or in a holier-than-thou sense. It is definitely a sad and unfortunate thing. But there are people who live in unhealthy ways who may put you in a position where you have to choose between maintaining relationship with them and enabling their unhealthy behavior or taking distance from them. There is such a thing as people who are toxic, manipulative, codependent, abusive, etc. and while it's never an easy thing to do, we are not called to maintain close relationship with them. It is not unloving to take that space, nor is it impossible to love them even as you distance yourself. The only difference is that you are loving them from afar.

Of course there may be people who take liberties with this and wrongfully accuse people in their life of being unhealthy to be in relationship with and may shut people out easily, but in these cases the person taking liberties is the unhealthy one, and more than likely they are doing the people they are shutting out a favor.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#17
Kim,

I agree with you to a point, however your definition of abuse or toxic behavior is vastly different than what other people would. I don't mean to cause problems here, but so many people walk away from one little scuffle with someone when it was only a one time thing. On that note God uses us when we are at our most unlovable and when we are broken because he uses our brokenness to make us better and stronger. This independence thing is sickening because God needs us to call on him and show humility when we can't handle a situation on our own and how can we do that if we turn our back on our brothers and sisters in Christ?. For example, I have a friend who was always coming to me because her home life was horrible. Every day she would tell me what her boyfriend did to her and what a horrible person she was for moving in with him. Truthfully, it was exhausting doing this daily but I knew that God placed her in my path for a reason and kept asking God for strength in ministering to her. I invited her to come to church with me and she accepted Christ and left her boyfriend. Now, if I would have ended that friendship I wouldn't be guaranteed she would have gotten saved. I loved on her when no one else would, that is the epitome of Christ and I take pride in that. We need to be more like Christ. Now, you can always give yourself some distance from these people, but don't close them off
Yes, Cmarieh,

There are some times when you don't have to totally close yourself off from a person.

And there are sometimes when you do.

I can only speak from my own perspective but I know that for me, God seems to send me people who are wanting to talk about their abusive pasts/situations by the truckloads. This is one of the reasons why I'd wanted to be a psychologist at some point.

Each situation is different, and God may lead a person to do something different in each case. Many of the people who seem to enjoy talking to me are trying to come to terms with past abuse or are trying to get away from current abuse, and many of the things I write are with them in mind, as people are always asking what boundaries should be set, and where they should draw lines.

For example, I was once in a relationship in which the person had come from a physically abusive home, and one of the conditions he set was that if we married and had children, our children would never, ever be allowed to have a visit with a particular relative of his without supervision, but his preference was that if possible, we would never encounter this relative again.
 
M

Miri

Guest
#18
I haven't seen the thread referred to, but can I add another angle.

Some people are physically and emotionally needy, just because of their awful
upbringing or circumstances.

Some are like that because they grew up with a sense of privilege, that the world owes
them everything. Or sometimes it's because they are addicts. My alcoholic cousin was like
that all he was bothered about was how to get his next drink. He would play you like a
fiddle to get what he wanted.

Some are like that because they have given themselves over to satanic forces, I think
this group may well be more than you think. As a Christian have you ever been near a
stranger and just felt in your spirit something wasn't right with that person? I have.
Light and darkness find it hard to occupy the same space.

Its about discernment, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt, but there comes a point
when you have to recognise you are flogging a dead horse. Jesus calls us to go the
extra mile, but he never said we should offer up our life. He already did that for us.

I agree though that calling someone a parasite, cancerous tumour etc is well out of
order.
 
Feb 5, 2017
1,118
36
0
#19
Many are judged for the outside, and many respond sometimes indefinitely based on that one layer of the onion. But inside everyone and beyond the walls, is a beautiful human being. I feel sorry for those labelled as such because of how a group have defined them. I know first hand because my father is one of those emotional black holes. Having dealt with his own fathers suicide, after his father lost his wife to MS (so losing both parents within a short time), having lost his wife, my mother who was only 42 to multiple forms of cancer.

But then on top of that, and because of this hardened outer layer which comes across somewhat as pretty cold to his family, all of my sisters have cut him off to 'preserve themselves' so they say. But I have always been there for him. He is my father, and I've probably had most of the attacks to be honest. Maybe I'm a man and I can take it, but, your parent is your parent no matter what.

I see more God in him, than I do my sisters, who are living their own dreams by denying God and denying our father. So the question is who is the real monster, those who in their pain say things the wrong way, maybe have an anger issue, maybe do stupid things without thinking about consequence, or those who cut people off 'like it is nothing to do such a thing'.

We live in a world where people attract to positivity or negativity. And quite often what I observe is positive people try to preserve themselves by excluding those that they deem as negative. This is very much a new-age concept, maybe a pagan concept. It is not a Christian concept. You are supposed to put yourself in any position, rather than trying to stop your golden throne of self getting tarnished. After all, was Jesus so picky? He was more picky about this type of arrogance, and self-righteousness, than he was about hanging with criminals and low lives, even those who would undo him.
 
G

Galatea

Guest
#20
Even the Bible tells us to avoid some people...

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime."
But if the man refuses to learn to fish, will you keep giving him a fish every day? Some people refuse to learn to fish because it is easier to just have somebody give them a fish. And sometimes it is better for those people if you stop giving them a fish, so they will get up and learn to do it for themselves.

It's called tough love, and it never feels good - for the person giving it or the person receiving it. But it is sometimes the only way to solve the problem.
That proverb is not from the Bible and not applicable to people with emotional needs, but physical. The New Testament does not teach "cutting people off" because they are emotional vampires "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."