The Emotional Black Hole, Part 2 -- When Nothing ANYONE ELSE Does Is Ever Enough.

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

I know we've been having some good discussions going on in other threads, but I'm hoping there will be room for this one to have its own train of thought as well, which is why I didn't post both threads at the same time.

In the first thread, I talked about instances when it's other people who have the emotional black hole -- but for this second part, I'd like to talk about what it's like, and how we cope, when it's US who are faced with OUR OWN emotional black holes.

For me, the roughest time of my life were the years following my divorce. If I had to sum up what I felt most, I would have to say that it was "rejected" and "unwanted". I was torn apart by the fact that my ex-husband had someone else who loved him and wanted him, but I did not, and I felt rejected by the world.

I don't know many women (here in the USA, at least) who haven't struggled with food and weight in unhealthy ways, and I was certainly no exception. I think many people can relate to the fact that I started to think, "Maybe if I were this, or that... someone could accept me." And so, I set my mind on becoming as small as I could. Along with experimenting with constant exercise and several other "dieting" behaviors, I would also do things like buy Dexatrim and take double the amount, or Hydroxycut, which gave me the shakes so badly that I'd stay up for a couple days at a time.

But you know what I was thinking? "Well, if I'm awake, I'm burning twice the calories as I would be if I were sleeping, so hopefully I'll lose more weight..." because, "Skinny would mean a better chance for acceptance" (my ex's new love was tall and thin, especially compared to me.) Dieting gave me "hope", because I was convinced that I was on a path to being more acceptable, and it helped me push the thoughts of being "rejected" and "unwanted" to the back of my mind. "I might not be acceptable right now," I thought, "but, I'M WORKING ON IT." And feeling like I was working towards something gave me an odd sense of comfort.

And do you know what I told God? I told Him, "Lord, if you'd just send someone... If you'd just send the right guy... Someone who could tell me he loves me and accepts me just as I am and that he thinks I'm beautiful... I'll stop this. I promise,I'll do better, and all this craziness will end. I just need someone (to take care of that emotional black hole.)" Because really, I was tired... and I WANTED it all to stop... but I kept thinking I couldn't until I found that mythical person.

During that time, I was very much like another verse from the Vertical Horizon song ("Everything You Want") I posted in my other thread:

"You're waiting for someone to put you together.
You're waiting for someone to push you away.
There's always another wound to discover...
There's always something more you wish he'd say."

I am pretty sure that if God WOULD have sent me someone during that time, the poor man would have wound up feeling like that guy in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" when he opens the ark, looks inside, and his whole face literally melts away. I was in such a bad place of neediness, I'm pretty sure I would have drained away any man's soul into complete oblivion.

God didn't send me a man to tell me everyday that he thought I was beautiful. But He did give me a job with good friends, a church that had lots of things I could throw myself into, and people who stood by me, no matter how many times I fell down my own emotional rabbit hole and kept having to climb out of it.

I had my own idea of what I needed to fill that black hole--but God had a very different idea, and needless to say, I'm sure His idea worked much better. I hated it at the time, but now I'm thankful that He has hopefully patched me up to the point of being able to support a Godly man instead of constantly draining away his emotions.

I realize this is a very personal topic and that it might be a little uncomfortable to talk about, but please feel free to add your thoughts about:

* What are some emotional black holes you've been through, or have witnessed in those closest to you? (If it's too personal, feel free to speak in generic terms or give a story about an anonymous person instead of yourself.)

* How did you cope? Did you go your own way, or did God make you walk a different path?

* What tips and advice would you give to others who are going through their own emotional black holes?

I know a few people touched on some of these things in the other threads, but I would still love to hear your thoughts and stories, even if some are repeated.

God bless, and may your Heavenly Father start filling that empty place you have inside your heart today. <3

 

[Dino246]

Dagnabbit. The reputation-restriction rule is repeatedly ruining my regaling. Apparently I need to spread some more around before giving to Seoul again. Good, insightful, and thought-provoking!

I think each of us is a support-vacuum at times. I was after my separation.

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

After my second wife and I separated, I didn't want to talk to anybody. I "threw in the towel", and I didn't care to hear anybody's advice about why my decision to do so was bad or that I might be over-reacting to another bad experience. All in all, shutting myself away was the best thing I could do. It gave me the opportunity to critically look at my situation and how my decisions had led me to it, and to take a close look at myself and see me for who I really was instead of who I was according to the rest of the world.

I've never been good at listening to advice anyhow though. Most people in this world are messed up like a football bat and aren't in any position to give advice to anyone, and while I realize that refusing a person's advice bruises their ego because we all like to think we're so smart and squared away, I think looking for external people to validate us is a bad way to deal with emotional problems.

I'm pretty certain I will always be mad, but at least now I know where the anger is directed. I used to be mad at my ex, but that is silly and it's like being mad at a scorpion for being poisonous. No, I'm mad at me for making a bad decision, and until I stop being mad at me, I can't or won't hear what other people say about how I dealt with my breakup and decision to be totally celibate for the remainder of my life.

As for what role God played in all that...I have no idea. That's more of a philosophical question and one I won't address. I'm far too ignorant to speak intelligently about that. I will say though that there is a big difference between "belief" and "faith". I have plenty of the first, and none of the latter. Maybe I've needed to go through all this crap to find my way back to God? No idea. If I am unfortunate enough to keep rattling around this world for another couple of decades, perhaps I'll learn an answer to that question.

 

[celi007]

I can totally identify with you seoulsearch. I was shattered after my divorce. I felt broken I tried so hard to numb the pain fill the void. I chose food and I also abused my body over exercising & dieting. I too prayed for a good man but God sovereign knew me and my current situation denied my request. I'm sorry I don't have a happy ending.. truth is I am still healing still have a lot of work .. I t makes me happy to hear testimonies stories of other women that have overcome a divorce a abusive relationship not given up on love and remarried.They give me hope inspirational because it takes courage to chose not to turn bitter or fearful and shut off entirely to love... The Holocaust survivors how they could turn something so ugly and still chose love and not give up on humanity is brave amazing... People like that with hearts that big are a ray of light for some of us so called black holes because we forget that we are loved or whatever the reason may be but they truly are a ray of light amongst the darkness..

 

[rachelsedge]

I don't know many women (here in the USA, at least) who haven't struggled with food and weight in unhealthy ways, and I was certainly no exception. I think many people can relate to the fact that I started to think, "Maybe if I were this, or that... someone could accept me."

But you know what I was thinking? "Well, if I'm awake, I'm burning twice the calories as I would be if I were sleeping, so hopefully I'll lose more weight..." because, "Skinny would mean a better chance for acceptance" (my ex's new love was tall and thin, especially compared to me.) Dieting gave me "hope", because I was convinced that I was on a path to being more acceptable, and it helped me push the thoughts of being "rejected" and "unwanted" to the back of my mind. "I might not be acceptable right now," I thought, "but, I'M WORKING ON IT." And feeling like I was working towards something gave me an odd sense of comfort.

Yeah, this, but mainly the bolded part.

I've kind of always had lower self-esteem regarding my body. My ex especially shattered it, though. To be fair, I was kind of looking to him to change my mind on how men are (or rather, how I view them to be), to assure me that I am worth it. I shouldn't have held him on a pedestal. He did...quite the opposite. Made mean comments on my body, openly looked at other more attractive women (and told me about it - "My waitress tonight had such a nice butt"), told me once that I'd "be perfect if I were thin and fit", and when I told him I was working towards that, he asked if I was sure I was okay dating him when he was looking forward to the future version of me. But then he'd tell me he wanted me to love myself, since he knew my self-image issues, and that he did like me for me - backtracking. It was all very confusing.

It's my fault for staying with him, even after all that. For holding his opinion as THE opinion, both of myself and believing he spoke for all male folk. He solidified a belief I had hoped he would shatter. Again, my fault for putting him in my mind as the one to do that, since that's something that I need to change in my own mind, outside of anyone else.

I've believed that about men for a long time, though, that looks are the most important part. I've been an "in-between" girl until something better comes along, and since I think I'm a good person inside, I assume it's from the fact that I'm overweight. I carry it well, I think, and I dress cute. But there's a lot underneath (underneath my clothes, on my skin I mean) that's hidden that I'm afraid no one will love. And they don't know it's there since I wear clothes all the time (duh ), so I have this bad mindset of "But just you wait. You say you like me now, but it's because you just don't know."

So yeah, sometimes I don't think anything anyone says will be "enough" because I know what's underneath and they don't. So I can't really trust what they're saying, right? And even if they did see it and was still okay....well that just doesn't seem possible in my mind. Literally cannot even imagine that scenario, and I have a highly active imagination. So, no, it won't be enough even if it's what I want to hear. That's the part I have to change. To believe I'm worth it, regardless of what anyone else says, or if someone believes it, too, to trust that they mean it.

Or, even if I did lose all the weight I wanted and got fit, it wouldn't change everything - I'd still have my stretch marks, textured skin from weight loss, and my self-harm scars. So in my mind, even if I got there, I still wouldn't get there.

I know that seems pretty shallow, when looked at objectively. I certainly don't ever see anyone for their body. The people I love most I could care less what they look like, even if they had awful things I don't know about and can't see. But I feel that on myself. Because my current mindset is men like beautiful bodies and I don't have that so I can't be loved by a man.

This is years and years in the making and I'm just now starting to chip away at it. It's extremely difficult, but I'm sort of learning. How I cope with it? Well, I go to counseling. I love my therapist and she's really helping me get to the root of some things so I know how to address it and fight back. I also try to think of what I am thankful for, outside of my body, since I am more than that - friends, family, my pets, my house, my skills, etc.

That's all very intimate stuff that I'll probably regret sharing later, but I tend to go in spurts on CC so I may forget that I even posted it in a few days. But there you go.

 

[Lighthearted]

Dagnabbit. The reputation-restriction rule is repeatedly ruining my regaling. Apparently I need to spread some more around before giving to Seoul again. Good, insightful, and thought-provoking!

I think each of us is a support-vacuum at times. I was after my separation.

Yes..it told me the same thing...girl you're kickn it!

 

[Lighthearted]

I'll just put it simply...I've had my time in the bottom of my blackhole...emotional, physical. Now He's pulling me out of it day by day...Amen.

 

[Lighthearted]

After my second wife and I separated, I didn't want to talk to anybody. I "threw in the towel", and I didn't care to hear anybody's advice about why my decision to do so was bad or that I might be over-reacting to another bad experience. All in all, shutting myself away was the best thing I could do. It gave me the opportunity to critically look at my situation and how my decisions had led me to it, and to take a close look at myself and see me for who I really was instead of who I was according to the rest of the world.

I've never been good at listening to advice anyhow though. Most people in this world are messed up like a football bat and aren't in any position to give advice to anyone, and while I realize that refusing a person's advice bruises their ego because we all like to think we're so smart and squared away, I think looking for external people to validate us is a bad way to deal with emotional problems.

I'm pretty certain I will always be mad, but at least now I know where the anger is directed. I used to be mad at my ex, but that is silly and it's like being mad at a scorpion for being poisonous. No, I'm mad at me for making a bad decision, and until I stop being mad at me, I can't or won't hear what other people say about how I dealt with my breakup and decision to be totally celibate for the remainder of my life.

As for what role God played in all that...I have no idea. That's more of a philosophical question and one I won't address. I'm far too ignorant to speak intelligently about that. I will say though that there is a big difference between "belief" and "faith". I have plenty of the first, and none of the latter. Maybe I've needed to go through all this crap to find my way back to God? No idea. If I am unfortunate enough to keep rattling around this world for another couple of decades, perhaps I'll learn an answer to that question.

That was very honest of yourself and to yourself. God is using it...because I think it's easy to be honest with others...it's harder to be honest with ourselves. Thank you for the reminder.

 

[seoulsearch]

I really love everyone's raw honesty, because I know it takes a lot to put yourself out there and to make the judgment call over what may or may not be appropriate to share.

I have to admit out of my own guilt that I don't pray about every post and thread I make, but I did pray a long time about this topic (emotional black holes) and have been working on these thread ideas for several months.

I have gotten to a point where it doesn't matter to me if a thread takes 2 hours to write and only gets 10 views (and 6 of those "views" are actually me trying to sneak in last-second edits before the 5 minutes are up), because maybe that thread was only meant for one person, and all they were meant to do is read it and not even answer (but always hope people will answer and share. )

Thank you all so much for letting others know they are not alone, and I hope people will continue to write their thoughts if they so wish.

Many of us are single, but we are not alone.

We're all in this together, folks!

 

[toinena]

I think I have been black hole jumping for the past 35 years.

Weight has reflected the blach holes I have been in. When I was a teenager it started. i was always the fat kid. Funny. When I watch pictures I wasn't all that bad, but I was convinced I was just awful. I thought I was clumsy in sports because I was fat. And then I didn't keep up all the skiing and swimming I used to do. I didn't get my diagnosis before I was 26, so then I understood my slow running was due to my muscular dystrophy. I was bullied. When moving to bording school at 19, I lost lot of wieight. And when I felt good about my self, I lost weight. I kept the weight until I met my ex husband. Then the emotional black hole jumping escalated. And I also gained back the weight I lost. I got depressed and suicdal. He had his ex girlfriend around all the time. I didn't understand the language. He had his drinking mates. I wasn't accepted among the other bassoon players. Unemployed and the only worth I had was to be the wife to the husband that was violent and drunk.

To get the diagnosis was of course another black hole. Coping with the loss of strength and ability to live independently was hard. But it was all overshaddowed by the violent relationship I was in.

It didn't become better after I gave birth to our son. I treated myself with soda when my husband drank beer... so it became a lot of soda. Then divorce, my son's Aspergers, some bad relations, a violent encounter with my son, his gender confusion and now no contact what so ever made my black hole jumping very intense and frequent.

After every trip to the black hole I was drawn closer to God and to fellowship with other Christians. And being close to God, my life regained some worth. Three black holes resulted in a job. One black hole resulted in a new carreer. One black hole resulted in getting some amazing Christian friends. The life always took a positive turn getting out of the hole. Until the next black hole, there is.

The last black hole I jumped into was only a month ago. And again I sought fellowship and Christ. This time God sent me someone very special, and I think it is finally time to heal. I have also become closer to the friends that were there all the time. I just didn't see them. I have also started to study again and life is just a blast!

I am scarred by all the hurt I have been through. But at the moment I just feel blessed, energetic and loved. I have been blessed here on CC. I have met some wonderful people here. And I hope that I can avoid some black holes for a while. But atleast I can say going into yet another crises provokes positive changes in my life.

 

[WineRose]

If I was in a black hole, I would die.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I am the girl you know, can't look you in the eye
I am the girl you know, so sick I cannot try
I am the one you want, can't look you in the eye
I am the girl you know I lie and lie and lie

I'm miss world, somebody kill me
Kill me pills
No one cares, my friend
My friend

I'm miss world, watch me break and watch me burn
No one is listening, my friend

Now I've made my bed, I'll lie in it
I've made my bed, I'll die in it
I've made my bed, I'll lie in it
I've made my bed, I'll die in it

[video=youtube;mS1Ckczz0LQ]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mS1Ckczz0LQ[/video]

 

[zeroturbulence]

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

(1 Cornithians 10:13 NIV)

 

[Rachel20]

There are many things in our life that alter the course of it - some of it can be out of our control and sometimes it stems from the choices we make.

No matter the external circumstances - a failed relationship, loss of a job, death, pain... at the end of the day the only thing we DO control is our responses and how we interpret what happens to us.

Do we let those things take us into a deep emotional black hole or do we trust in God that no matter the pain we feel, He can rescue us; that even if the circumstances seems devoid of hope, our hope ultimately rests in Him?

I believe that is the sliver of light that can break people out of their emotional black holes.

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

If I was in a black hole, I would die.

Are you sure about that?

We'd never be able to tell when you'd crossed the event horizon. To outside observers, you'd be permanently frozen right at the horizon even though to you, you had crossed and were working your way towards the singularity. You'd die pretty slow too, but it would certainly be painful as tidal forces pull you apart.

 

[zeroturbulence]

 

[stillness]

And what if it's necessary to face the emptiness to find the Lord as our help in our pain: To enter into His rest.
About my black hole or hell: rejected in marriage, the hardest thing to face as well, not forsaking desire for the comfort of woman to follow the Lord in His suffering; codependent meant a divided spirit between God and woman for first Love and the part unfulfilled by woman would turn to drugs for help. Mostly weed but left wanting more from bad to worse. Then to figure out it was pride of achievement, for a treasure in this life that kept me from facing my emptiness with God and that I could not but by His spirit; count the cost of suffering the lost of all things, when feeling stuck to enter His presence with thanksgiving.

 

[celi007]

No one should expect to go through life without experiencing pain in some form or another. The sooner we realize this the happier our life's becomes.Im not saying we relish the pain,but with the pain understanding that with pain in our lives it's a source of growth(physical & spiritual) strength,improved productivity and means of drawing us closer to God.Ultimately,the prize exceeds the pain!

I confess that I'm not strong.God I pray about it a lot to be strong.I sometimes I can be a ummm.. black hole... but I'm thankful that there are kind souls that that don't judge me or others(black holes) kindness wow!!1billion dollars nope it's priceless.love love love it could be the remedy for the black hole perhaps??PS I googled this site I thought I'll be safe here in a Christian site.

 

[Tommy379]

I've already crossed the event horizon and I'm getting crushed in the singularity.

 

[seoulsearch]

If there was anyone whose post I didn't "like" it's just because I'm very sorry you're going through such a rough time.

As little as it may seem...

I do hope that some of our ongoing discussions here in Singles can help, if even just a little bit.