I am not a Virgin but in God's word I know better to be one until Marriage

KatyGirl1994 · Aug 23, 2017

Well hello everyone,

So here I am putting myself out there.I am 22 years old and I am not married. And I am not a virgin. But I know better. I know to be saving myself for marriage. I go in stages where I am all about God and I am reading books and studying the Bible. Then I kind of stray away and go my own way of life.

I think me not being a virgin is because of low self esteem. I don't respect myself enough. I don't think I could ever find a man to truly love me. So I go and date the losers and sleep with them that say they love me but don't respect me. My ex boyfriend and I just broke up again after being on and off for 2 in half years. I want marriage and children and he really kind of doesn't. He says he loves me but isn't ready for those things and if we had a kid when he wasn't ready for it he would bail on me. My love for being a mother and a wife someday is my much greater than my love for him.

Now it would be very wonderful to find a Godly man that loves Jesus. As I did get baptized on July 14, 2013. But since I am not a virgin and I have slept with multiple partners, I feel like I won't be able to find a Godly man to accept this about me. Now I know God still loves me and forgives me, I have had these conversations with God many times. But I just have the low self esteem part of not being able to find the right man to love me for all of me. All of who I am as a person inside and outside. For my faults as I am not perfect, from past mistakes.

Anyone care to help a girl out with some advice?

Much appreciated and Thank you

levi85 · Aug 23, 2017

God is good Katy, He loves you and have best plans for you. Keep praying, reading Bible and praising God , a day will come soon and everything will be alright, Believe me.

MollyConnor · Aug 23, 2017

Don't beat yourself up so much, Katy. Jesus loves you and if you accept him and pray this, you are forgiven and restored. You are a new creation and he adores you! I have self esteem problems too. What always helps me is focusing on God.

You also need to focus on loving yourself and trusting the Lord. He will make your path straight whether that's with a man or not. Pray for his will in your life because that's the best plan for your life.

If you need someone to talk to, send me a PM.

Stephen63 · Aug 23, 2017

Phil 4:15You yourselves also know, Philippians, that at the first preaching of the gospel, after I left Macedonia, no church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving but you alone; 16for even in Thessalonica you sent a gift more than once for my needs. 17Not that I seek the gift itself, but I seek for the profit which increases to your account. 18But I have received everything in full and have an abundance; I am amply supplied, having received from Epaphroditus what you have sent, a fragrant aroma, an acceptable sacrifice, well-pleasing to God. 19And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. 20Now to our God and Father be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

When you take care of God's desires for your life first, He then will supply all of your needs.

Matthew 6:33

New American Standard Bible
"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

God's grace is sufficient when you repent of your sins, as long as that repentance is genuine.

Repent of those sins, forgive yourself, & turn your life over to God.

After that, be patient with God just as he's patient with you. Things will turn around for you in God's time.

Test_F_i_2_Luv · Aug 23, 2017

KatyGirl1994 said:

If you've just gotten out of a serious relationship, it's time for a time out.

How long the time out needs to be varies from person to person. It could be as little as a few months or it could be many months.

During your time out, you could be growing closer to God(through Scripture and prayer, namely) and learning about your value in Him. As you gain understanding of your value, and the value of intimacy, hopefully you'll have the necessary determination/strength/insight in your next relationship to make it work.

Innerfire89 · Aug 23, 2017

That's really honest.
It's good to have an honest and accurate view of yourself, but when you compare yourself to other people and conclude that they are better than you that's where you run into problems. All people are sinners that deserve death and punishment yet at the same time all are God's beloved creation, that's the value of all humans, of ourselves we're all the same. Not all are equal in ability but in worth.
Now as Christians we have a new direction in life, we're no longer slaves to sin but slaves to righteousness, you're a drity sinner who has been forgiven and Christ is working in you to help you not only sin less but to hate sin, this is true of me and all Christians too.
So it's like this: you're OK, I'm OK. You're wrong, I'm wrong. You have Christ within you, I have Christ within me. That's the way to look at yourself and other Christians.

Now you say you were baptized, but are you sure you have salvation? Is Jesus Christ your master and saviour? I'm not saying I don't believe you, but it's an important question to ask yourself.

Nice_Lady · Aug 24, 2017

Katy, darling. How u say u r new creation when i dont see any difference in ur behaviour than a pagan. Even a muslim do better than u and marry virgin! How did u guess u came to know the True and Holy God? Is it not from the fruits of one s person s life that we all see the reality? Test urself and dont be deceived.

cinder · Aug 24, 2017

KatyGirl1994 said:

Welcome to the singles forum. Advice I would give is what another singles forum member said years ago (haven't seen him around in a while so I'll have to quote him): The Bible doesn't say remain a virgin; it says stop fornicating (sleeping around). Yesterday's disobedience doesn't mean you're doomed to fail and be disobedient again tomorrow. And the present and future are all you can change.

As for the low self esteem, sounds like you've been through the cycle enough to know that sleeping with a guy and having him leave you just leaves you feeling worse and lower. I'd highly recommend getting a copy of the book Your Single treasure, it talks a lot about value and self worth in the context of sex, and also makes the point that sleeping around contributes to low self worth and it usually takes an extended period of celibacy to repair that self worth. But it can be regained and restored. In the meantime try to find some friends, or a church small group, to help take the edge off of the loneliness. And volunteer for children's ministry or something if it would help to spend some time with small children. It's not as great as being married and a parent, but it may well help and give you some of those feelings of connection and usefulness and being valued for it that you're currently trying to get from the mystical "perfect guy" coming along and making everything good.

Other advice was a great tongue in cheek one liner about the Lord's prayer: Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. Stay out of places that are going to promote temptation. So much easier to say no to going to the bar or party or wherever else you know there will be a whole lot of guys expecting women there to be sexually available to them, than it will be to turn down a whole string of guys who proposition you once you're there. The earlier you can say no to the path that leads to you in bed with a guy, the better your chances of saying no, and the fewer regrets you will have (and also the less likely your judgement will be compromised by substances or the emotion of the moment).

Other than that, we're all (or at least most of us) here for you to encourage you and support you when it seems like you're the only one committed to following God's directions on how sex is supposed to be. Sometimes knowing you're not the only one who thinks this way is a valuable support as well.

trofimus · Aug 24, 2017

Read 1Cor 7, marriage and children must not be your life goal.

- this is actually terrible
- its like saying that Church loves what she gets from Christ more than Christ
- you say that husband is just a way how to get 'married' status and children, for you

J0Hnnatcc3 · Aug 24, 2017

trofimus said:

Pretty sure she was talking about her ex.

kaylagrl · Aug 24, 2017

Nice_Lady said:

The OP has admitted her failure,her mistakes and God forgives when we ask. A lot of times we do struggle with sin,we become carnal Christians. The only way to remedy that is to ask forgiveness and the Lords help to overcome these weaknesses. Satan knows what our temptations are. But our sister is forgiven,she was forgiven the moment she confessed her wrong and asked for forgiveness.

To your comment "even a Muslim does better than you" is a very offensive comment to me. You cannot compare a child of God to a child of satan. Islam is a false,satanic religion. So there is no comparison. If you are a Christian you should never make that comment.

trofimus · Aug 24, 2017

J0Hnnatcc3 said:

Thats the point. She loves her idea of having children more than she loved her ex.

Thats not biblical at all.

Mom22Feb · Aug 24, 2017

KatyGirl1994 said:

Dear Katy, Condemnation does not come from God. Each day is new and He has forgiven your sins, past, present and future. Bury them and don't dig them up. You are repentant and now you can focus on prevention by avoiding people and places that will tempt you to sexually sin. You are not dirty or unacceptable, as our sins are separate from who we are. A "Godly man will be looking for a woman who loves the Lord. In the mean time Jesus is your bridegroom. Only He can satisfy our deepest longing to be known and loved. God knows your desires and if they are in line with His will then He will provide, in HIS time. Wait on the Lord and find someone with whom you can be accountable.

rachelsedge · Aug 24, 2017

Nice_Lady said:

Well, aren't you a ray of sunshine.

Katy - No one else will find our self-worth for us. I say "us" because I, and many others, struggle with placing our self-worth into someone else's hands. It's hard to believe that sometimes, isn't it, though? We think, "But the right person will change it all!" Not necessarily true. They can help grow it and nurture it, for sure, but it shouldn't be totally in their control. Placing it in someone else's hands makes it so unsteady - they might make you feel great one day, and then not so great the next. In your hands, you control it, regardless of what anyone else says or does. Learning to love yourself is a hard process, I wish it would just "click" instead. Others here have given great advice. Welcome!

MultilingualMessenger · Aug 24, 2017

Nice_Lady said:

Are you God?

KatyGirl1994 said:

We all have a past. (Many people have the same past that you do, in fact.) Every man you meet has a past of his own that is not perfect, so for a man to condemn you for yours would make him a hypocrite. We all were unsaved once, did what unsaved people do, and were on the road to where unsaved people go. It would be silly for someone to put you down for doing a different unsaved thing than the unsaved thing they did.

If God forgives, none of us have the right not to. (And that includes forgiving ourselves.)

A Godly man will see you the way God sees you. You should see yourself that way too.

Ugly · Aug 25, 2017

KatyGirl1994 said:

To give you a more clear cut answer, from a guys perspective, rather than whatever much of the stuff above is, let me help.

You are hanging onto your past, and defining yourself by your past. You are placing what you perceive to be God's view with your way of thinking. The problem with that is that you are speaking for God, and not even from a biblical perspective.
God forgives. It's that simple. Jesus wasn't tortured, mocked and brutally murdered so that he can go on not being able to forgive people their sins. The only thing holding you back, is You. And why? Because guilt is a tool of satan, and by holding onto your past, not accepting the grace and forgiveness already offered to you by God, you are allowing satan to hold you back. By not redefining yourself in forgiveness and grace by a loving God is holding you back. You are still looking through worldly eyes at yourself.

As far as finding a man that loves you, should that really be your focus? You are still relying on people and earthly situations, to define you, to redefine you. You are relying on your worth being determined by your ability to find a man and have a family. And because of that attitude you will continue going nowhere in life. You will continue making mistakes, because you desire human approval over Gods. You want to define yourself by your standards, rather than finding out how God defines you. And since He created you, i think He knows better than you.
In regards to a guy getting over your past, chances are you'll have to deal with a guys past as well. Virgins, of either gender, seem to be fairly rare in the church today. Whether that stems from before they were saved, previous marriage or situations such as yours. So chances are it won't be that difficult, because so many have the same struggle, or came out of it. And, really, any guy not able to get over your past isn't really the kind of man you want to begin with. Being alone is better off than being with the wrong person, because then you will still end up feeling alone, but trapped in it with someone else.

And just to give you some perspective. I have had self esteem issues since i was a child. I have struggled with sexual sin since i was a teen. I have not perfected, or even come close, any of the advice i gave you, but i am always trying to grow still. Despite my mistakes in the past i've still found an amazing woman. And i have, in the past, dated women that has done more than i have.
But for now you need to focus on growing out of your own mind, out of your past, taking the forgiveness and grace God offers, and Living in it, not just talking about it. You should grow yourself emotionally and spiritually. What you should Not do is focus on finding a man or starting a family. You are not ready for either. These things will not help you forgive yourself of your past, make you happy or define you. Until you can love the person more than the prospect of children or marriage you will not be ready. You are looking in the wrong place to find fulfillment.

PrynceNY · Aug 25, 2017

Hello Katy, everyone has a past and a truly Godly man will be willing to accept your past and move forward with you. If a person criticises your past while they have committed sins of their own they are hypocrites who need to repent. As you stated God forgives your past, if a male partner cannot then he's not Godly.

blue_ladybug · Aug 25, 2017

I really don't see why you would even need to tell your prospective husband about your PAST sexual encounters...

kaylagrl · Aug 25, 2017

rachelsedge said:

Such great points you have shared. I believe women especially are taught that their self worth comes from sex,sexuality and what they look like. Even as Christians its hard to ignore because it is all around us,on tv and in magazines,on social media.We're surrounded by these images day and night.Its very hard for a woman to separate herself from this humanistic point of view. It's not what inside a woman,her character,her heart but what she looks like and how attractive she is.It's such a sin that women feel so horrible about themselves and are comparing themselves to fake,air brushed people that are not even real. So sad.

kaylagrl · Aug 25, 2017

Ugly said:

To give you a more clear cut answer, from a guys perspective, rather than whatever much of the stuff above is, let me help.

You are hanging onto your past, and defining yourself by your past. You are placing what you perceive to be God's view with your way of thinking. The problem with that is that you are speaking for God, and not even from a biblical perspective.
God forgives. It's that simple. Jesus wasn't tortured, mocked and brutally murdered so that he can go on not being able to forgive people their sins. The only thing holding you back, is You. And why? Because guilt is a tool of satan, and by holding onto your past, not accepting the grace and forgiveness already offered to you by God, you are allowing satan to hold you back. By not redefining yourself in forgiveness and grace by a loving God is holding you back. You are still looking through worldly eyes at yourself.

As far as finding a man that loves you, should that really be your focus? You are still relying on people and earthly situations, to define you, to redefine you. You are relying on your worth being determined by your ability to find a man and have a family. And because of that attitude you will continue going nowhere in life. You will continue making mistakes, because you desire human approval over Gods. You want to define yourself by your standards, rather than finding out how God defines you. And since He created you, i think He knows better than you.
In regards to a guy getting over your past, chances are you'll have to deal with a guys past as well. Virgins, of either gender, seem to be fairly rare in the church today. Whether that stems from before they were saved, previous marriage or situations such as yours. So chances are it won't be that difficult, because so many have the same struggle, or came out of it. And, really, any guy not able to get over your past isn't really the kind of man you want to begin with. Being alone is better off than being with the wrong person, because then you will still end up feeling alone, but trapped in it with someone else.

And just to give you some perspective. I have had self esteem issues since i was a child. I have struggled with sexual sin since i was a teen. I have not perfected, or even come close, any of the advice i gave you, but i am always trying to grow still. Despite my mistakes in the past i've still found an amazing woman. And i have, in the past, dated women that has done more than i have.
But for now you need to focus on growing out of your own mind, out of your past, taking the forgiveness and grace God offers, and Living in it, not just talking about it. You should grow yourself emotionally and spiritually. What you should Not do is focus on finding a man or starting a family. You are not ready for either. These things will not help you forgive yourself of your past, make you happy or define you. Until you can love the person more than the prospect of children or marriage you will not be ready. You are looking in the wrong place to find fulfillment.

Wow,just wow. This is the deepest,most mature post I think Ive ever read from you,and thats not meant to be sarcastic or a put down. Seriously,amazing post and right on every point you made. And it means a lot coming from a male perspective I think. I'd rep this 3 times if I could. One of the best posts I think Ive ever read on CC.

I am not a Virgin but in God's word I know better to be one until Marriage

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