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Thread: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

  1. #1
    MollyConnor
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    Default How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    I have seen yet again another Christian couple who is calling it quits. I am deeply saddened to see this trend even among those married for so long and in the Church. My brother is close to the husband and told us he had cheated on his wife. The man regrets it, but the wife will not give him another chance. She can't trust him again.

    I have a friend who also cheated on her husband. She told me when she felt insecure in the relationship and how she started talking to another guy at work. They were "just friends" for years and then out of nowhere, she realized she loved him and starting sleeping with him.

    As someone who knows both of these couples, I can see where they went wrong and how the wrong direction was taken way before the cheating actually happened.

    So I wanted to ask what y'all thought about this. What are some preventative measures we can take in the future when we are married? I know we can easily say "oh I would never do that!" But the enemy is just waiting to pounce on us...especially those that are married. I think as singles, we should be thinking about this.
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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    Find someone allowing God to lead with His word as 1st and final authority.
    Someone has to believe how you believe otherwise important things will differ and potentially cause problems and become seeds for ruin if left unattended
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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    Proverbs 3

    5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
    6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.

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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    Matthew 7:24 [ Build Your House on the Rock ]


    “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.

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    Senior Member Lynx's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    If I ever meet somebody I love enough to want to marry, there will be no question of competition. I'm 39 and never so much as been on a date before, mostly through lack of trying. Any lady that I actually go to the trouble of dating and marrying will be somebody special indeed, and will not have to worry about having any competition at all.

    As for prevention, there are lots of people who have lots of ideas about that. Some say if you are worried about your spouse cheating on you, you should go out of your way to be attractive to your spouse so said spouse won't stray. What they never mention is, are you saying it's MY fault if my spouse cheated, because I wasn't making myself attractive enough? I call hogwash on that theory.

    So which theories actually work for cheating prevention? Well I'm not married so I can't say from personal experience. But I know a lot of elders who have been married a long time and then I know some elders who have married and divorced. There are also my parents who divorced because mom had an affair. There's one single common thread running through all of that: The ones who were always finding fault with their spouses eventually cheated, and the ones who thought their spouses were the best thing that ever happened stayed together.

    And no, I didn't get cause and effect mixed up. You choose to love somebody or not. If you love somebody you can easily overlook the person's faults and be grateful for their strengths. If you do not love somebody it's really easy to focus on what irritates you and ignore what the person adds to the relationship.
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    Senior Member Rachel20's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    My thoughts on this is that couples just need to do their "prerequisite research" before they commit to one another. Whether it is knowing each other's character flaws, financial situation, mental and physical health, upbringing and moral values and whether that could be compatible to one's own moral system.

    As is often said, "Marry in haste, repent at leisure."

    In such crucial matters such as a life partner, I would be wary of anyone who seems to be in a rush. Exceptions and success stories always exist, I'm giving a probability of chance on this. However, when you marry someone, you should feel confident that you are making the right decision.

    Another point, like you stated in your OP, you were able to see a disaster in a relationship before it was about to happen. It is because you were able to see the flaws in that relationship whereas the people in the relationship itself had blind spots.
    I think its important to involve your friends and family and listen to them carefully on what they truly think of your SO.

    I also believe part of it is culture. There are hardly any divorces in India. Even among the modern youth - I have seen friends in steady relationships, moving on to marriage with no incidence of infidelity.

    Indian culture has very strong beliefs about fidelity and loyalty in relationships. Once you marry, you marry for life through thick and thin. Relationships are treated with respect - you don't break up over silly things. The consequence of adultery and divorce- the shame and taboo is awful which in itself is a deterrent.
    This is also why, before marriage both families of the partners get involved and the parents of the children spend a lot of time understanding the background of their child's life partner to see if they could be suitable.

    So it might help to consider details like this when you marry someone.
    Last edited by Rachel20; September 9th, 2017 at 03:27 PM.


    "A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life."

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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    Colossians 3:23

    Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters,
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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    1 Corinthians 10:13

    No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    Proverbs 31:30

    Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

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    Senior Member Lynx's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    Quote Originally Posted by Lynx View Post
    If I ever meet somebody I love enough to want to marry, there will be no question of competition. I'm 39 and never so much as been on a date before, mostly through lack of trying. Any lady that I actually go to the trouble of dating and marrying will be somebody special indeed, and will not have to worry about having any competition at all.

    As for prevention, there are lots of people who have lots of ideas about that. Some say if you are worried about your spouse cheating on you, you should go out of your way to be attractive to your spouse so said spouse won't stray. What they never mention is, are you saying it's MY fault if my spouse cheated, because I wasn't making myself attractive enough? I call hogwash on that theory.

    So which theories actually work for cheating prevention? Well I'm not married so I can't say from personal experience. But I know a lot of elders who have been married a long time and then I know some elders who have married and divorced. There are also my parents who divorced because mom had an affair. There's one single common thread running through all of that: The ones who were always finding fault with their spouses eventually cheated, and the ones who thought their spouses were the best thing that ever happened stayed together.

    And no, I didn't get cause and effect mixed up. You choose to love somebody or not. If you love somebody you can easily overlook the person's faults and be grateful for their strengths. If you do not love somebody it's really easy to focus on what irritates you and ignore what the person adds to the relationship.
    What I could not add on, because my stupid internet connection went down until well after the five minute edit window had elapsed, is that when you are stuck on finding fault with your spouse it's VERY easy to consciously or subconsciously start looking for a replacement.
    seoulsearch and TamLynn like this.
    "Do you sing at church?"
    "Yes I sing at church. And I sing at work. And I sing at home... and in the car... at the supermarket... at Wal-Mart..."

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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    Ephesians 5

    33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

    Ephesians 5:

    29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church
    Last edited by Dreamstate; September 9th, 2017 at 03:37 PM.

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    Senior Member BenFTW's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    Obviously communication was lacking in just hearing of the situations. In the first couple mentioned the wife could've forgave him as a Christian but decided to break ties, which biblically is a permitted reason to divorce. However consider if she had forgiven him, and granted she didn't keep throwing it over his head as a weapon, think of how that forgiveness would've translated into love. It would've expressed to him her deep love for him and hopefully, reciprocated that love.

    Of the other couple, the wife is extremely at fault, especially for a lack of communication having felt insecure and then going to another man. She didn't just realize she loved him (the other guy), she cultivated those feelings over time as she sought comfort elsewhere than in her covenant with her husband and before God. I don't know why she felt insecure in her relationship, but having never resolved the cause of those feelings she entertained a relationship that from the get go was to fulfill a void in her own personal relationship with her husband.

    We see then that she was looking for something outside of her relationship that was lacking within instead of rather cultivating it in that bond. She should've asked the Lord to reveal to her what was lacking, grace to cultivate it, and she should've spoken openly with her husband of these feelings. Instead she no doubt pushed him away, distanced herself, and played the part all the while seeking fulfillment from another.

    So first and foremost, put it before the Lord. Pray for wisdom and understanding and in which ways you may be falling short of your part in the relationship. Remember that the relationship is a giving of one another, that compliments one another. Loving your wife as Christ loved the Church, as an example. Being fully submitted to one another. It is no thing to take lightly having a wife, God has entrusted her to you to care for, to love, and cherish. In likewise, God has entrusted the man to the woman to encourage, strengthen and love.

    Secondly, communication. That is easily one of the roots of the problem if not the root. A lack of communication leads to ignorance that is not bliss. What can be resolved if the problem is never stated? Be open with one another, speak with meekness and respect. Not judgingly, but with healing in mind. With progress in mind, for peace and unity.

    You've gotta love. Simply. It may seem cliche but when you consider that God gave, giving, He expressed His love to us through His Son. So love gives. Give the best of yourself to one another and where you fall short, let God so sanctify you. Apologize for the areas that you know you are not the best, and join one another in prayer for God to give you grace to change. Don't forget the youth of the relationship, do not let your love wax cold. Keep it fresh and alive, daily adding kindle to the fire. Give, give and give some more. Why? Giving leads to receiving and so it is with the relationship as you love it reciprocates.

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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    Matthew 20:28

    just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    2 Timothy 3:16

    All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,

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    Senior Member toinena's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    Why did I divorce?
    Why did most of my attempts of falling for someone special fail?

    The answer is simple. I didn't listen to the alarm bells going on in my head. I knew my ex husband was drinking. I knew he was verbally abusive. I knew he was violent. I knew he was irresponsible with finances. I knew he was already living with a girlfriend when he started dating me. Even God tried to prevent it... the night before the wedding, I was in a hurry to fix the food (yes. We did most of the catering ourselves. For 150 guests. I baked 8 Sachertorte, one big 6 level weddingcake, 500 karjalan pies..... ) and I just had to cut and arrange the cheeses. And suddenly the knife fell right down and right down in the foot. I had to go to the ER and got 4 stiches. 4 stiches and high heals... not a very nice combo.

    With every guy I had a remote interest in, I heard the bells. Except for one and that break up was a total shock.

    So. In my oppinion the clue is to listen to the alarm bells. If he is cheating his girlfriend to be with you, he is probably going to cheat on you one day, too. If he comes to see you and don't have the money for the return ticket, he most likely have no control on his money (yes..my ex did that). If he knows the history of the breweries of the world better than the word of God, he most likely doesn't put God first. (My ex did that too). And if he hits you he will surely hit you when married, too.

    I could write a book of all the alarm bells sounding with that guy. Yet I stayed married for 10 years. Utterly miserable.

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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." - Rodney Dangerfield

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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    1 Corinthians 1:10

    [ A Church Divided Over Leaders ]

    I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought.

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    Senior Member BillG's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    Your post raises many good points and I am glad you are taking or looking to take marriage seriously.

    To me the institution of marriage, is very serious to God and and God given.

    To me the issue is twofold.
    Firstly understanding why God takes marriage so seriously and when we get married taking it as seriously has he does.

    Here is my experience.

    I never knew my dad. Mum fell pregnant and was forced to marry.
    They got divorced.
    My mum got married 3 times and got divorced, had a few partners in between.

    So that is what I grew up with.

    I became a Christian and started to go to church.

    I got engaged to a girl. However to be honest not long after I came to the conclusion that I actually did not want to marry her.

    This is shocking but true.

    I got to stage where my thoughts were

    "Ok I will marry her, at some point we will her divorced but I can see my kids at the weekend"
    I was actually sitting in church with those thoughts.

    All of a sudden a great fear and anxiety overtook me. After church i could not even look at my fiancé and I had to say
    "I can't marry you" She called an elder of the church who came over and spoke to me.
    He encouraged me not to break it off. I did break it off that afternoon.
    I tried to work it out with her afterwards. But really because I didn't want to upset her.
    Anyway it ended.

    I was left with guilt and confusion.

    After that when I got close to a lady and she reciprocated, my anxiety went through the roof and I ran a mile away.

    Then I met a lady in the church that I started to go to.
    She was the belle of the church. We got romantically involved and when we did guess what I did?
    Ran a mile away and broke it off.

    But I was gutted and confused.

    I knocked on the door of our church leader and he looked at me and said what's going on?
    He took me into his office. As we started to talk he said "Bill you are shaking, you are sweating, your hotter than this radiator I'm sat next to what's going on?

    So I told him. His first response wasn't that great. He was surprise that the belle of the church would fall for someone like me.

    As we talked about it, as he dug deeper into me he started to talk to me about what love is and what marriage is.

    The one thing that stuck out for me was what is love, cause I asked him what is love.

    He said "Bill when I wake up in the morning in bed with my wife and roll over and she looks at me and says "I love you" with her morning breath and the make up she didn't quite fully take off the night before do I not love her?

    Off course I do.

    I realised that I loved the belle of the church, the belle who turned down many suitors and wanted to be with me.

    I wanted to be with her. Courtship was hard, mainly because I was struggling, but she stuck with me because she felt God say to her "This is your husband"

    When I realised that this is my wife I was released. In fact I wanted to get married the next day.

    I was released.

    We celebrated 23 years of marriage last month, have 4 kids. I love her so so so much. Without her I am incomplete.

    Now as sad as it may be, even Christian's today could be like I was and be willing to walk into marriage like I was willing to.
    life expeience contributes to that and the world today distorts what love is.

    Today love is all about receiving and not giving, it's all about emotions and satisfying them.
    The concept of love and it's true meaning is lost.

    Its not a feeling it's an act of ones will.

    In our church when two people want to get married in our church then they have to go on a marriage course.
    It encompasses what it means to be married but also to lay all cards in the table and get everything out in the open.
    Whatever baggage you have lay it on the table so you can start the marriage on a stable footing. This includes everything from debts to previous sexual parners and so on.

    I have know a few people who when they did this they broke up.

    So to me the preventable should be dealt with before it happens before we get married.

    However I am a realist and do know that Christian marriages do go wrong and divorce does happen.

    But I would encourage all you singles here to know that God takes marriage seriously.
    When you stand in church and commit to your partner it is a life long commitment.
    Yes it will be hard, it will not be easy but you as those of us who are married must walk in the ways of Jesus.
    If you do so and our wife husband rejects that then that is their choice.
    Lord

    Help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.

  19. #19
    MollyConnor
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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    Quote Originally Posted by BenFTW View Post
    Obviously communication was lacking in just hearing of the situations. In the first couple mentioned the wife could've forgave him as a Christian but decided to break ties, which biblically is a permitted reason to divorce. However consider if she had forgiven him, and granted she didn't keep throwing it over his head as a weapon, think of how that forgiveness would've translated into love. It would've expressed to him her deep love for him and hopefully, reciprocated that love.

    Of the other couple, the wife is extremely at fault, especially for a lack of communication having felt insecure and then going to another man. She didn't just realize she loved him (the other guy), she cultivated those feelings over time as she sought comfort elsewhere than in her covenant with her husband and before God. I don't know why she felt insecure in her relationship, but having never resolved the cause of those feelings she entertained a relationship that from the get go was to fulfill a void in her own personal relationship with her husband.
    I'm going to focus on the first two paragraphs because they kinda shocked me. Why should only the first couple try to make it work? Just because it was the woman who cheated, and she is "extremely at fault," the marriage shouldn't be given another chance?

    I should add, in the first couple, the man has cheated three times. The wife couldn't take it anymore and I don't blame her. She has shown her husband love for over 22 years. I know the Bible says there is reconciliation, but I really don't think spouses should stay with their cheating husband/wife. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Once the trust is gone, I don't think you could ever fully trust that person again.

  20. #20
    Senior Member BenFTW's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Prevent Cheating/Divorce

    Quote Originally Posted by MollyConnor View Post
    I'm going to focus on the first two paragraphs because they kinda shocked me. Why should only the first couple try to make it work? Just because it was the woman who cheated, and she is "extremely at fault," the marriage shouldn't be given another chance?

    I should add, in the first couple, the man has cheated three times. The wife couldn't take it anymore and I don't blame her. She has shown her husband love for over 22 years. I know the Bible says there is reconciliation, but I really don't think spouses should stay with their cheating husband/wife. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Once the trust is gone, I don't think you could ever fully trust that person again.
    In response to your first question, no where was it stated the second couple shouldn't reconcile; I simply noted that she was "extremely at fault" because she sought consolation outside of her marriage. In response to the second paragraph, it was stated in the first paragraph (of my response) that divorce was permitted biblically for adultery. No issue here.

    No need for shock, as what you thought was said wasn't. lol

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