Is it really real?

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Rachel20

Senior Member
May 7, 2013
1,639
105
63
#1
It seems like a classic fairy-tale. You come across someone online whose writing resonates with you like no another. It’s like reading something written from a piece of your own soul.

He likes Jane Eyre and reads the obscure poems you write. He is clearly Mr Darcy caught in the modern era.
Her sense of humor is the one that you always dreamed your future life partner would have. The description she gives about herself lines up with a secret fantasy you harbored for years. She cooks, cleans and fights crime on the weekends.

It doesn’t take long before that spark and connection translates into a relationship that moves at a frenetic pace. Having never met these individuals, some people still fall in love so hard - it becomes a serious marriage-level proposition.

While there are some happy endings that do arise from online relationships - I am pretty sure the stats are quite dismal.

From what I have seen from people who’ve indulged in online romances - a majority of them have been burnt.

What I want to draw attention to in this thread is the amount of devastation that these seemingly innocent relationships have wrecked on people.

How can a relationship that never materialized in real life - that lacks physical chemistry, that lacks the authenticity of complete openness that is needed for a successful relationship have so much power over people?

Is it the amount of emotional investment and even time that people put into these? Like cultivating something that never really bears fruit?

Some of the reasons for failure in these online relationships is just simple emotional unavailability. One person is caught up in a warped fantasy of a potential relationship.

I honestly think that people who lead others on in such emotional relationships are emotionally warped themselves. Whether it is loneliness or being incapable of any other form of relationship, they know in their hearts, they have no business leading others on. Especially if they are Christian.

I am not trying to be harsh or rude. I am not looking to hurt people’s feelings - but its quite painful to be a bystander and watch people in online relationships put themselves down, pine over a broken relationship when, I feel like these relationships “don’t even count”. (not even considering online cat fishing)

So, I want to open this discussion to the rest of you.

How do we help people dealing with situations like this?

How do we guard our own hearts? Do you also feel these relationships don’t really count? Your thoughts? :)
 
S

Susanna

Guest
#2
I think there is a great number of narcissistic, manipulative people cat fishing others online.

A mean old hag like me isn't bothered by people like that.

For some reason they are going after younger and more beautiful women.

Lol.
 
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#4
I apologize? (To both of you.)
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
9,261
2,386
113
#6
It seems like a classic fairy-tale. You come across someone online whose writing resonates with you like no another. It’s like reading something written from a piece of your own soul.

This is exactly why I always try to make my posts so irritating.

I don't want some woman accusing me of trying to "resonate" with her.


"Max... were you... resonating at me?"
"Umm, no."
"Yes you were, I know you were."
"No, seriously, I really wasn't."
"Max, you're such a naughty resonator."
"Umm... is there like any remote possibility you just got out of a women's prison or something?"
 
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Y

Yahweh_is_gracious

Guest
#7
I'm naturally skeptical of most of what I read online, so not likely to be taken in by someone, no matter how flattering they try to be. Not that it happens with any great frequency - I have the attitude and personality that makes me all but unapproachable. I'm a cynic as well. I despise myself and can't imagine why any woman would want anything to do with me.

Other people though? I don't know that I could say anything about their situation. It's difficult for me to put myself in their shoes to imagine what they might think or feel when dealing with others online. I could maybe imagine that it's possible to be taken in and get wrapped up in something.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#8
Aw crud.

You mean this tall, dashing, 35-year-old Swedish model I've been talking to who says he is the CEO of his own dolphin-free tuna canning corporation... Is actually WILLIE???

Dang nab it.

I am going to demand a PROMPT refund from ChristianSwindle.com. :mad:
 
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#9
This is exactly why I always try to make my posts so irritating.

I don't want some woman accusing me of trying to "resonate" with her.


"Max... were you... resonating at me?"
"Umm, no."
"Yes you were, I know you were."
"No, seriously, I really wasn't."
"Max, you're such a naughty resonator."
"Umm... is there like any remote possibility you just got out of a women's prison or something?"
Yep, Max, I guess it is just the cross some of us have to bear.
 
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#10
Aw crud.
You mean this tall, dashing, 35-year-old Swedish model I've been talking to who says he is the CEO of his own dolphin-free tuna canning corporation... Is actually WILLIE???
Dang nab it.
I am going to demand a PROMPT refund from ChristianSwindle.com. :mad:
I just can't help it. Some guys fight the bottle.... My fight is so much tougher.
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
4,262
113
#11
It seems like a classic fairy-tale. You come across someone online whose writing resonates with you like no another. It’s like reading something written from a piece of your own soul.

He likes Jane Eyre and reads the obscure poems you write. He is clearly Mr Darcy caught in the modern era.
Her sense of humor is the one that you always dreamed your future life partner would have. The description she gives about herself lines up with a secret fantasy you harbored for years. She cooks, cleans and fights crime on the weekends.

It doesn’t take long before that spark and connection translates into a relationship that moves at a frenetic pace. Having never met these individuals, some people still fall in love so hard - it becomes a serious marriage-level proposition.

While there are some happy endings that do arise from online relationships - I am pretty sure the stats are quite dismal.

From what I have seen from people who’ve indulged in online romances - a majority of them have been burnt.

What I want to draw attention to in this thread is the amount of devastation that these seemingly innocent relationships have wrecked on people.

How can a relationship that never materialized in real life - that lacks physical chemistry, that lacks the authenticity of complete openness that is needed for a successful relationship have so much power over people?

Is it the amount of emotional investment and even time that people put into these? Like cultivating something that never really bears fruit?

Some of the reasons for failure in these online relationships is just simple emotional unavailability. One person is caught up in a warped fantasy of a potential relationship.

I honestly think that people who lead others on in such emotional relationships are emotionally warped themselves. Whether it is loneliness or being incapable of any other form of relationship, they know in their hearts, they have no business leading others on. Especially if they are Christian.

I am not trying to be harsh or rude. I am not looking to hurt people’s feelings - but its quite painful to be a bystander and watch people in online relationships put themselves down, pine over a broken relationship when, I feel like these relationships “don’t even count”. (not even considering online cat fishing)

So, I want to open this discussion to the rest of you.

How do we help people dealing with situations like this?

How do we guard our own hearts? Do you also feel these relationships don’t really count? Your thoughts? :)
Yea... I don't get that either. :confused:
 
G

Galatea

Guest
#12
It seems like a classic fairy-tale. You come across someone online whose writing resonates with you like no another. It’s like reading something written from a piece of your own soul.

He likes Jane Eyre and reads the obscure poems you write. He is clearly Mr Darcy caught in the modern era.
Her sense of humor is the one that you always dreamed your future life partner would have. The description she gives about herself lines up with a secret fantasy you harbored for years. She cooks, cleans and fights crime on the weekends.

It doesn’t take long before that spark and connection translates into a relationship that moves at a frenetic pace. Having never met these individuals, some people still fall in love so hard - it becomes a serious marriage-level proposition.

While there are some happy endings that do arise from online relationships - I am pretty sure the stats are quite dismal.

From what I have seen from people who’ve indulged in online romances - a majority of them have been burnt.

What I want to draw attention to in this thread is the amount of devastation that these seemingly innocent relationships have wrecked on people.

How can a relationship that never materialized in real life - that lacks physical chemistry, that lacks the authenticity of complete openness that is needed for a successful relationship have so much power over people?

Is it the amount of emotional investment and even time that people put into these? Like cultivating something that never really bears fruit?

Some of the reasons for failure in these online relationships is just simple emotional unavailability. One person is caught up in a warped fantasy of a potential relationship.

I honestly think that people who lead others on in such emotional relationships are emotionally warped themselves. Whether it is loneliness or being incapable of any other form of relationship, they know in their hearts, they have no business leading others on. Especially if they are Christian.

I am not trying to be harsh or rude. I am not looking to hurt people’s feelings - but its quite painful to be a bystander and watch people in online relationships put themselves down, pine over a broken relationship when, I feel like these relationships “don’t even count”. (not even considering online cat fishing)

So, I want to open this discussion to the rest of you.

How do we help people dealing with situations like this?

How do we guard our own hearts? Do you also feel these relationships don’t really count? Your thoughts? :)
They absolutely “count” and can be more “real” than two people meeting in real life and have nothing in common but physical chemistry.

I shall tell you the story of Isaac Watts- the brilliant preacher, hymn writer, and logician. He was so brilliant, that the book he wrote on logic was used in Oxford University many years after he died. Watts was brilliant, but unfortunately homely. Short, scarred from small pox, he was not exactly an Adonis. He wrote a lady many letters. Soon, they fell in love. He came to meet her and ask for her hand in marriage. The lady was repulsed by his looks. She said “if only the casket was as beautiful as the jewel”. If had looked better, she would have married him.

Watts never married.

I will tell you a happier story- Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett. He read her poetry and fell in love. They exchanged letters, but she was ill- so did not think any man would ever want her. Browning, younger, handsome, popular, and full of life loved her and wanted her. She got better, and had a child. Browning gave her years of happiness where she thought she would never marry, never know love, and never have a child.

I would venture to say some of these love affairs by correspondence only are more real, deeper, and count more than people who marry and stay married for years but never really know the soul of their spouse.

After all, we are souls who happen to possess bodies. We are not bodies who possess souls. Our souls are eternal, these bodies are not.

As for helping people get over their online love affairs when they don’t work out, you can not help people who do not ask you for help. It is kind, but people must bear their own burdens. I am sure people told Watts to get over the woman who rejected him, that it wasn’t “real” and didn’t “count” since the courtship was by letter only.

You don’t know what is in other people’s hearts. You have no idea how deeply a person loves or doesn’t love.

No offense meant, but I think you should give advice to heartbroken people when asked.
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
4,262
113
#13
I've never heard of Robert Browning or Elizabeth Barrett... but I have heard of Elizabeth Barrett Browning.... Maybe she's their kid or something... :rolleyes:
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
4,262
113
#14
[video=youtube;K8LLF-46FN8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8LLF-46FN8[/video]
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
9,261
2,386
113
#15
you can not help people who do not ask you for help.

I'll have to agree with this.

Sometimes people choose to be miserable, or they choose some decision which can only result in them becoming miserable... and there is nothing we can do for them.

Sometimes people become so emotional and irrational that I can't even speak to them.
So I have to stop speaking to them for a while.

But I can still pray for them, and I do.
I believe God answers prayer.
So I pray... and wait for things to change.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#16
What I want to draw attention to in this thread is the amount of devastation that these seemingly innocent relationships have wrecked on people.

How can a relationship that never materialized in real life - that lacks physical chemistry, that lacks the authenticity of complete openness that is needed for a successful relationship have so much power over people?

Is it the amount of emotional investment and even time that people put into these? Like cultivating something that never really bears fruit?

Some of the reasons for failure in these online relationships is just simple emotional unavailability. One person is caught up in a warped fantasy of a potential relationship.

How do we help people dealing with situations like this?

How do we guard our own hearts? Do you also feel these relationships don’t really count? Your thoughts? :)
Hi Rachel,

Thank you for asking some really excellent questions with this thread! :)

I can't explain how or why hearts can be bound over mere words, but I know it's happened to me several times in my life. From the time I was a young child, I wrote to pen pals and this was in the days before the internet. All we had was snail mail letters, and if the time came when we actually talked on the phone, it was a HUGE DEAL. Eventually, I went to visit one a girl I wrote in Colorado and she also came to visit me as well.

When I got married, I had a pen pal from Japan (!) who brought her best friend and came to visit me for a week. To this day, I am amazed that we somehow set up that entire visit ENTIRELY THROUGH PAPER LETTERS that took 2 weeks to get to each other--not a single phone call was involved.

I highly valued my friendships with these girls and knew they were my friends long before we met in person. Maybe it's because I've always been drawn to written communication that made it so easy for me to bond over words. Eventually thought, these friendships died away... particularly after my divorce, and maybe it was their way of saying that they didn't approve, I'm not sure. But it was hard to see friendships that had been cultivated for 10 years or more just suddenly die.

I suppose that because I have this long history of becoming attached through words, developing what I believed were close relationships with people on the internet was like second nature to me. But I've certainly had my share of heartaches as well, because to me, it is very much a real part of my everyday life.

I've had a few times where internet friends have become real friends, and I've had times where I became very invested in people who then disappeared or things just didn't work out. Sometimes it really stung, but all I knew to do was to ask God for help, and then try to pick up and move on.

And so, I guess that when I lose someone online, I can honestly say that I pretty much react the same way as I do when I lose someone in real life -- I mourn. I grieve. I even wallow for a while. And I do all the things we're advised to do in a "real life" situation--go to church, pray, and hopefully lean on friends and family for support--because in all honesty, that's all I know to do.

I try to keep my heart guarded, and I try to be realistic. In real life, I don't attract Swedish models or CEO's of their own companies, so I highly doubt there would be any reason why I might attract someone like that online, either (which I truly believe has saved me from a lot of heartache.)

And if a friend was grieving over the loss of an online connection... I would try my best to comfort them in the same way as if they're going through any other breakup--by asking if they want to talk, inviting them to hopefully get out of the house, and offering to pray for/go to church with them--because I know that while the relationship might not "sound" real...

For whatever reasons, our hearts just don't seem to know any difference.
 
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Rachel20

Senior Member
May 7, 2013
1,639
105
63
#17
Thanks Galatea :) I really appreciate your posts and you are right - I can't judge what's in someone's heart. Thanks for sharing these two contrasting stories.

I definitely cannot put a value to someone's hopes and expectations of a relationship. I also agree that unsolicited advice/help can be of no use and can even offend.

But I also feel there is a huge danger of online relationships being incredibly isolating - when a real relationship ends, there is some form of emotional support and network for people.

There can be friends and family who can visibly see the relationship right before their eyes and provide insights that can really help someone see their blind spots.

Online relationships can be debilitating with its loneliness. Who do you reach out to? Does anyone even know the person you like?
I am not saying that having an online relationship doesn't mean you can't have a support network.

With just two people and no one else, how do we reach out to a hurting person from a place of concern? If they specifically don't want it - I know nothing can help them but if there was ever a sliver of hope, should we not at least try?

It is important to get that information out there - "There is light at the end of the tunnel."

I also think it is important that we consider the costs/consequences of these relationships vis-à-vis what God has in mind for His people.
We are still Christians on here. This place should be a place of comfort and solace, and truth.







They absolutely “count” and can be more “real” than two people meeting in real life and have nothing in common but physical chemistry.

I shall tell you the story of Isaac Watts- the brilliant preacher, hymn writer, and logician. He was so brilliant, that the book he wrote on logic was used in Oxford University many years after he died. Watts was brilliant, but unfortunately homely. Short, scarred from small pox, he was not exactly an Adonis. He wrote a lady many letters. Soon, they fell in love. He came to meet her and ask for her hand in marriage. The lady was repulsed by his looks. She said “if only the casket was as beautiful as the jewel”. If had looked better, she would have married him.

Watts never married.

I will tell you a happier story- Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett. He read her poetry and fell in love. They exchanged letters, but she was ill- so did not think any man would ever want her. Browning, younger, handsome, popular, and full of life loved her and wanted her. She got better, and had a child. Browning gave her years of happiness where she thought she would never marry, never know love, and never have a child.

I would venture to say some of these love affairs by correspondence only are more real, deeper, and count more than people who marry and stay married for years but never really know the soul of their spouse.

After all, we are souls who happen to possess bodies. We are not bodies who possess souls. Our souls are eternal, these bodies are not.

As for helping people get over their online love affairs when they don’t work out, you can not help people who do not ask you for help. It is kind, but people must bear their own burdens. I am sure people told Watts to get over the woman who rejected him, that it wasn’t “real” and didn’t “count” since the courtship was by letter only.

You don’t know what is in other people’s hearts. You have no idea how deeply a person loves or doesn’t love.

No offense meant, but I think you should give advice to heartbroken people when asked.
 

Rachel20

Senior Member
May 7, 2013
1,639
105
63
#18
Thanks Seoulsearch !:)

Your post was wonderful to read - and you are very right - especially in the matters of the heart we must guard it the same way we guard it in "real" life.
The heart can't always tell the difference :).
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
4,262
113
#19
Now that I think about it, when AOL chat rooms were still a thing, and I could still fit into my high school jeans :p ... there was this pretty, young schoolteacher from the east coast that I chatted with every morning. We grew close as internet friends and I was head over heels for her (she wasn't taken). Of course she didn't feel that way about me, but that's besides the point... :p

....Anyway, as time went on we just slowly stopped chatting with each other.... then a few years ago I found her on facebook and now we're facebook friends but, we still don't chat.... and she's still not taken... nor interested in me in that way either... :/

 
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U

Ugly

Guest
#20
To OP

The first problem is you look at people and how these situations make them feel then begin applying your opinions. Next you think people not functioning according to your opinion are, in essence, out of line.
Firstly you don't know the motives of the other person. Some are obviously catfish. But breakups happen in real life too. And people will suddenly break things off or disappear on someone that's not online.
That's the funny thing about online. When someone does something and it happens online people say the issue is it's "not real" to have connections online. So they blame the behavior as internet behavior.
But when the exact same thing happens offline, and happened long before the internet, then what?
This is the issue I take with stances such as yours. Anything that happens online is blamed for happening on the internet, even though it was going on long before that.

To dismiss how people feel or to insist your view of things changes nothing. Nor are you always right about it. Much of it is pure presumption and creating blame pointed in one direction for things that existed before the target of your blame.

If anything the real issue with the internet is that it makes emotionally unhealthy people have an easier time of getting into relationships than they would in person.

Crusaders often get more wrapped up in the crusade and forgrt the purpose behind it. This can actually be more damaging.