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Thread: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!"

  1. #41
    Senior Member WineRose's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    If I ever wanted someone to prove their love to me:

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    Senior Member seoulsearch's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by Pipp View Post
    I have been told " I thought you were different than other women, but I was wrong" but it doesn't bother me cause it was from a guy who was pretending to be a Christian to get in good with me. When he started talking about fantasizing about what he would do to me in the bathtub and I put a stop to it the mask fell off and I became like "all the other girls"
    I sure hope you told him where he could put his bar of soap, Pippy.

    This makes me think of times when I've seen people use salvation itself as a manipulation tactic.

    Let's say Person X is interested in Opposite Gender Person Y, but for whatever reason, Person Y isn't interested in Person X.

    Person X then goes around declaring to their Christian friends that Person Y "isn't a real Christian", and "is not really saved"--all because Person Y wouldn't do what Person X wanted.

    Growing up in churches all my life... Spiritual manipulation is a personal pet peeve of mine.
    Last edited by seoulsearch; January 3rd, 2018 at 06:48 AM.
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  3. #43
    Senior Member seoulsearch's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by Magenta View Post
    Smashed a window or two

    But he was no honey. Beat me up on a fairly regular basis...
    Never once did he take any personal responsibility for any
    problems in our relationship. The closest he got was not
    denying something, once. Once! And he was never going
    to do it again, but he always did... until I walked away, for good.
    I'm so sorry you were in this situation, Lady M, but I'm so glad that God got you away from it.

    So many others are never able to break free.

    Your life is always very inspirational, both to me, and I'm sure to many others here.
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  4. #44
    Senior Member seoulsearch's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by Speak2Me View Post
    The thing about being Christ's bride isn't knowing about who you are, but whose you are. You are His. He took you as His in the very beginning just as you were, mistakes, sins, fears, & everything. He did this because of His great love for you. He knew what He was getting all along. It's never been about what you are, but who you could be under His wings. God wants you to trust Him with all your imperfections & let Him mold you into the image that pleases Him. Accept His proposal, follow Him in the ministry He's tailor-made just for you.

    Two scriptures for you:

    Eph 3:14For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, 16that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. 20Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, 21to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.

    Believe that. Go for it. You have nothing to lose.

    Matt 6:31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’32For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.33
    But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

    I hope this blesses you.
    Thank you very much for your encouragement.

    I have a fairly good idea of the places and ministries where God has been calling me, it's just that I have a hard time trying to find other people who would be willing to accept and support it, especially in the context of a marriage partner.

    In my long time of being single, I've tried my best to follow the advice of other Christians to became involved in numerous types of ministry. However, the thing I keep coming back to are things like prison ministry. I remember spending several years working in the children's ministry across various ages, and I kept telling God, "Please, send me back to the prisons!" because I couldn't bear to read the same little stories for the 10th time in a row. It's just not what I'm built for.

    Rather, I feel a calling to people who have had extreme lives (such as those who have committed murder), and that's not exactly something most spouses would understand or clamber to support (and I can't blame them for that.) At one time, I wanted to do this as a career, but now, if I go back, I would choose to do so as a ministry, because people are a lot more honest if you're talking to them on your own time rather than for a paycheck. However, all the current prison ministries in my area that I've looked at simply preach to the inmates and don't really give them a voice to share anything about themselves if they choose (another thing I believe God has called me to is active interactions, not a one-sided conversations.)

    One of the things I am learning to accept in my own life is that in order to fulfill this "tailor-made ministry" that you speak of is that God may also call me to remain single permanently.

    I still hold out hope though.

    But if you happen to know of anyone who'd be interested in a girl who believes God has called her to those who have committed some of the most heinous crimes known to mankind, please feel free to have him drop an introduction to my inbox.
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    Senior Member Tommy379's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by seoulsearch View Post
    I sure hope you told him where he could put his bar of soap, Pippy.

    This makes me think of times when I've seen people use salvation itself as a manipulation tactic.

    Let's say Person X is interested in Opposite Gender Person Y, but for whatever reason, Person Y isn't interested in Person X.

    Person X then goes around declaring to their Christian friends that Person Y "isn't a real Christian", and "is not really saved"--all because Person Y wouldn't do what Person X wanted.

    Growing up in churches all my life... Spiritual manipulation is a personal pet peeve of mine.
    I'm glad I didn't grow up in church. People are awful.
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    Senior Member Lynx's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by seoulsearch View Post
    I sure hope you told him where he could put his bar of soap, Pippy.

    This makes me think of times when I've seen people use salvation itself as a manipulation tactic.

    Let's say Person X is interested in Opposite Gender Person Y, but for whatever reason, Person Y isn't interested in Person X.

    Person X then goes around declaring to their Christian friends that Person Y "isn't a real Christian", and "is not really saved"--all because Person Y wouldn't do what Person X wanted.

    Growing up in churches all my life... Spiritual manipulation is a personal pet peeve of mine.
    "Growing up in churches all my life... Spiritual manipulation is a personal pet peeve of mine."

    Yeah, well... that's just because you're not a real... uh...

    *Lynx looks at the bar of soap in his hand and quickly crams it in his mouth before it gets put somewhere else.
    "Do you sing at church?"
    "Yes I sing at church. And I sing at work. And I sing at home... and in the car... at the supermarket... at Wal-Mart..."

  7. #47
    Senior Member seoulsearch's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tommy379 View Post
    I'm glad I didn't grow up in church. People are awful.
    My Dad always felt a lifelong calling to be a pastor, but was sidetracked by other responsibilities for a while. My Grandma (his mom) kept telling him, "It's too late now," but my Dad went on to fulfill that calling at age 50. (I always tell him, "It's a good thing Grandma wasn't God.")

    I also thank him regularly that he waited until I was an adult. I would have made a horrible pastor's kid. I never got into trouble, but if I had grown up in a fishbowl, I'm pretty sure I would have flown off the rails.

    To this day, my parents are often called to different churches (my Dad works as an assistant pastor), and while I'll make "cameo guest visits" to their churches, I always choose to join a different church than the one they are ministering at.

    I respect my parents more than anyone, but I grew up in Christian schools and churches, and when your parents are known in the church, people don't care about who you are--they decide who they think you are and then gossip amongst each other as to what they think you're doing. At least... this was the reality I grew up in at my church.

    When I can do something about it, I refuse to let people decide what's happening in my own life for me, or try to pigeonhole me into what they think I should be, because as much as I love my parents, I am very, very different from them, and nothing is worse than when people expect you to be something you know you're not.
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    Senior Member maxwel's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by Lynx View Post
    I have nothing to add to this thread but to say I am interested in the replies y'all are posting.

    If I had to prove to some girl I'm not like all the rest of the guys, I have no idea if I would prove it or just walk away. It would depend on the girl and it would depend on her concept of what "the rest of the guys" are like. But if she had some expectation that I had to either pass or fail, it would be better to tell me about it than to secretly watch me and then make a big scene when (in her mind) I failed whatever test she had. A relationship with secret expectations is like walking through a minefield.

    In a healthy relationship, there is a sense in which you naturally sort of "prove" yourselves to each other over time, as you get to know each other. It's a natural process between friends.

    But if some girl started off with some kind of hoop for me to jump through...
    I'm not her circus dog.
    I'd just walk away.

    When a girl says, "Jump through this hoop if you want to date me", she is essentially saying "It's all about me."
    Rather than getting me to PROVE something to her, she has instead PROVEN something to me... she's proven she's very self centered and disrespectful.
    And that's not the kind of girl I date.

    There are other girls out there who will be respectful of your time, and appreciate your company.
    Last edited by maxwel; January 3rd, 2018 at 12:38 PM.
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    Senior Member Tommy379's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by maxwel View Post
    In a healthy relationship, there is a sense in which you naturally sort of "prove" yourselves to each other over time, as you get to know each other. It's a natural process between friends.

    But if some girl started off with some kind of hoop for me to jump through...
    I'm not her circus dog.
    I'd just walk away.

    When a girl says, "Jump through this hoop if you want to date me", she is essentially saying "It's all about me."
    And that's not the kind of girl I date.

    There are other girls out there who will be respectful of your time, and appreciate your company.
    The good part of proving your love for a woman, is when you do something for her, that she needed or wanted, and you knew it, without her asking for it.
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    Senior Member maxwel's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tommy379 View Post
    The good part of proving your love for a woman, is when you do something for her, that she needed or wanted, and you knew it, without her asking for it.
    Right.

    There is a difference between normal organic actions, and placing demands and ultimatums on people.

    I think it's really all about the INTENT of each party.
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    Senior Member Tommy379's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    I just want someone I can fix their car, take out the trash, repair the house, and cut the grass for.
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tommy379 View Post
    I just want someone I can fix their car, take out the trash, repair the house, and cut the grass for.
    I felt the same way, my routine is to take out the trash, get the mail, repair the house, do the grocery shopping and get the mail. My wife doesn't ask me to do these things, I just do them because I love her. I also go to work to pay the bills. It's quite a job to be a husband but it does have great fringe benefits.
    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tommy379 View Post
    The good part of proving your love for a woman, is when you do something for her, that she needed or wanted, and you knew it, without her asking for it.
    That's how I roll too Tommy.
    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Frankly, someone who would use this approach with a new flame is not healthy enough to be in a relationship.

    If you have wounds from a previous relationship, get healing for them! Jesus is the Great Physician; He can and will heal relational damage. Spend a couple hours with a Christian counselor or pastor. Don't expect the new flame to tiptoe around your old junk; deal with it first! Demanding that your new person not act like (whatever the old person(s) did) is manipulative. (With apologies to Melita) that ain't the work of the Lord!

    If your new flame tries this approach with you, call them on it. If they won't seek help for it, let the dust fly as you run far away.

    Again, some behaviours are truly inappropriate (or even criminal), but nobody should be crossing those lines anyway. As a few have mentioned, some actions warrant immediate termination of a relationship.
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by tourist View Post
    I felt the same way, my routine is to take out the trash, get the mail, repair the house, do the grocery shopping and get the mail. My wife doesn't ask me to do these things, I just do them because I love her. I also go to work to pay the bills. It's quite a job to be a husband but it does have great fringe benefits.
    I'm single, and I do all those same things, without fringe benefits... I guess its just a necessity of survival, and not to prove I love myself . Married or single, girlfriend or not, your always going to take the trash out.
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by seoulsearch View Post
    I also thank him regularly that he waited until I was an adult. I would have made a horrible pastor's kid. I never got into trouble, but if I had grown up in a fishbowl, I'm pretty sure I would have flown off the rails.
    "I grew up in the glass house of a preacher
    Where every move I ever made was a feature
    And when you don't always do what they teach you
    They always point you out


    But it's just like Toby Mac used to say
    "Some people gotta learn the hard way"
    And when I couldn't outrun all the things I'd done
    I picked up the phone and my dad said, "son"

    When you can't find a friend in the world
    A friend in the world
    Love is reaching down
    When you can't find a friend in the world
    A friend in the world
    You got one now"

    ~Matthew West
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    Senior Member Lynx's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    To the original topic of this thread: The more I think about it, the more impossible the premise sounds. How does one prove a negative? It's the same problem christians and atheists have - they can't prove God doesn't exist and we can't prove the big bang didn't happen.

    The problem is when you keep expecting something, sooner or later you see it... whether it did or did not really happen. If my (hypothetical) girlfriend has been hurt by guys before, and if she is watching me for signs that I am like those other guys, I can't prove I'm not because there is no point at which we can say "okay, it is proven now." And the longer she watches for signs, the more likely it is she will convince herself that she sees them, whether they are really there or not. That's not something against this (theoretical) girlfriend in particular, it's just human nature.

    I'm not saying I would immediately bail out if I found out she was watching for proof that I'm not like those other guys. But the longer the situation persists, the more probable it will end in, at best, a breakup.
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    Senior Member Rachel20's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by seoulsearch View Post
    What about the rest of you?

    * Do people ask you to prove to them that you're "not like the others"? How do you react? Do you take them up on their challenge, or do you walk away?

    * Do you expect others to prove to you that they're not like everyone else? How have they reacted, and what happened next?

    Thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts and experiences--I'm really looking forward to reading your answers.
    I feel the same way about paying for a meal. At least for the first few dates I think it is fair for people to go dutch - there is no expectation or obligation for anyone and if you don't want to see each other the next time, there is no hard feelings.

    Sometimes the guy will bring the food and then I will pay for the drinks. Most men get pleasantly surprised when I offer to pay and though I don't see it as a big deal, I do believe that men appreciate it a lot.
    Personally I have never come across a situation where the guy bought me food and resented me for it. All of them have been very sweet and seem to really enjoy doing something for me.

    As for proving myself - when I enter a relationship, I try to make sure that I have a clean slate. I believe that happens only when people have taken enough time to heal after the end of a relationship, do some self introspection and consider their goals/plans.
    There is never a rush to jump into one. If someone has tons of baggage from their past, I do not want to deal with it.

    I do not have the time and energy to deal with some whiny man's drama and his perceived sense of injury - especially those who have it against a whole gender.

    When I am in a relationship, I would definitely prove to be a fantastic one. If he gets to date me, he's obviously going to know I am different from all the other women.

    I do not expect others to prove anything to me except that they are decent, kind, similar human beings. I don't trust people but I do have high expectations from those in my inner circle - because I have high expectations of myself.

    I would definitely bide my time, take a relationship slow and get to know someone before committing to them. They have to be worthy of me.
    These are more like filters - does he have a good job, is he healthy and taking care of himself, does he have a good background -moral, educational, etc and what not?

    There isn't any high blown dramatic - 'prove yourself to me' kind of line or even a conversation of that sort. There is no expectation for a man to do anything to 'rescue' me or any over the top scheme going on in my head. He doesn't need to pay for me, fix my stuff - nothing. He just has to be compatible.

    It is really a matter of time and energy that you want to spend on an individual.
    The question is 'is it worth it?'.

    If not, then I close that door and don't waste my time.
    Last edited by Rachel20; January 3rd, 2018 at 07:38 PM.
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by seoulsearch View Post
    Thank you very much for your encouragement.

    I have a fairly good idea of the places and ministries where God has been calling me, it's just that I have a hard time trying to find other people who would be willing to accept and support it, especially in the context of a marriage partner.

    In my long time of being single, I've tried my best to follow the advice of other Christians to became involved in numerous types of ministry. However, the thing I keep coming back to are things like prison ministry. I remember spending several years working in the children's ministry across various ages, and I kept telling God, "Please, send me back to the prisons!" because I couldn't bear to read the same little stories for the 10th time in a row. It's just not what I'm built for.

    Rather, I feel a calling to people who have had extreme lives (such as those who have committed murder), and that's not exactly something most spouses would understand or clamber to support (and I can't blame them for that.) At one time, I wanted to do this as a career, but now, if I go back, I would choose to do so as a ministry, because people are a lot more honest if you're talking to them on your own time rather than for a paycheck. However, all the current prison ministries in my area that I've looked at simply preach to the inmates and don't really give them a voice to share anything about themselves if they choose (another thing I believe God has called me to is active interactions, not a one-sided conversations.)

    One of the things I am learning to accept in my own life is that in order to fulfill this "tailor-made ministry" that you speak of is that God may also call me to remain single permanently.

    I still hold out hope though.

    But if you happen to know of anyone who'd be interested in a girl who believes God has called her to those who have committed some of the most heinous crimes known to mankind, please feel free to have him drop an introduction to my inbox.
    Sorry it took so long to reply, work & church, you know.

    I have a question. Does your church have a prison ministry? I would recommend getting in it as soon as possible. The reason? To prove to yourself whether or not that's where you should be. If it's fruitful, you'll know.

    I've always found that if we take care of what the Lord puts in our hearts, He will bless it & prove it to us.
    You take care of the Lord's business, & He'll take care of yours.
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    Senior Member seoulsearch's Avatar
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    Default Re: "I Love You." "Prove It!" Part 2: "Prove to Me That You're Not Like All the Rest!

    Speak2Me (for some reason, my "Reply with Quote" function isn't working, or I would have included your post here),

    I know you probably have the best of intentions, but I also feel that you aren't really reading or listening to what I keep trying to tell you.

    When I was in my 20's, I was studying to be a psychologist, hoping to go into criminal and abnormal psych, but life bumped me off track. Still, I couldn't ignore what I felt was God's calling.

    In my 30's, I got involved in a prison ministry outside of my regular church because no one at my home church would support me in doing such work (funny how good Christians will tell you, "Use your single time to serve the Lord! Find that special thing He's called you to do!!!" And when you find it... You find out that most don't want any part of it, nor will they support you in doing so.)

    During that time, I exchanged hundreds, if not thousands of letters with inmates (they're the ones who really helped me practice my writing skills), and went to 5 maximum security prisons in order to speak to a few in person. Some of the ones that really stand out from that time (because how could I forget) was a guy who shot his parents, and another who shot someone at school and then tried to hide the body while attempting to formulate an escape plan. They had been teenagers when they committed their crimes, and has now spent a third to almost half their lives in prison, even though they weren't even 30 years old.

    As a small-town girl whose biggest brush with "trouble" was a one-time detention at a Christian school (for getting too sarcastic when answering a teacher, imagine that), this was quite a stretch for me, but very much found this to be a part of my calling.

    However, over time, I believe that God was drawing me away due to obvious safety risks. The final nail in the coffin for me was a headlining news story of a young woman who was participating in a ministry very much like the one I was in. An inmate she corresponded with had escaped, found, and shot her to death, and the most tragic thing is that she had been married to a husband who was fully supportive of her ministry and was expecting their first child.

    I felt like that was my final word from God to walk away from this type of work until I could find something that had leadership that prioritized the safety of its workers. (Of course, I know not every tragedy can be prevented, but accountable leadership is one of the first things I look for in a ministry now.)

    However, when you have a calling on your heart, it's not something you can just ignore. As I wrote in my reply to your previous post before this, I have looked at prison ministries out here but they're not interactive enough for me, and I've learned through my own experiences that ministries that only preach to people and don't learn a thing about them are just not for me.

    I tried being part of a ministry that served Vietnam War Veterans at a group home (because I am attracted to ministries for people who have gone through extreme things), but all anyone did was preach at the veterans and never even asked about their lives. I realize some might not want to talk about it, but I'm built for situations in which people actively talk back and forth to each other.

    In the meantime, I keep busy with much less dangerous service (like cleaning... which can be a hazard in its own right), but I've tried several different things and have a very good idea of what I am, and am not, called to do. I know someone will quote the passage (Matt. 6:3) about how we're not supposed to talk about what we do for the Lord and that it should done in secret, but I find it to be a bit of a Catch 22, because if you remain silent, people assume that you sit on your butt all day and never do anything out of faith, then chastise you for not "doing anything for the Lord."

    Even now, I can feel God calling to me, and it's a feeling that doesn't go away. If I were to marry, I have often wondered if God would call me to marry someone who has been in, or worked with, people who have been in extreme situations as well.

    I do understand what you're saying to me, as it's been said to me about a hundred thousand times throughout my life (and counting.)

    I appreciate that you mean well, and I am by no means an expert or model Christian in any way, but I also wish that you could truly understand what I am trying to communicate back to you as well.
    tourist, Magenta and Tommy379 like this.
    If it feels like you can't feel anything, are you still feeling something?


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