Crushed and Defeated!

jrccomputer · Jan 21, 2018

I have taken a several weeks to get my head and feelings more clear! I am dealing with more then I ever thought I could/would. My life has never been easy and I was born into struggle. At my high point in life, I welcomed struggle. Right now, my heart is absolutely shattered and I can't even believe I am in reality. God is right here with me, and my new amazing church as really been a blessing.

On Christmas Eve my Fiancee, my 4 year relationship came to a crushing end. I was called by my fiancee and told she does not love me anymore. That she has not loved me for a year. I thought that was the worst. In the end it turns out she has been cheating on me for over a year with this guy from her work that I was also friends with. She called me to tell me all of this, while I was in Florida with family for 2 weeks. I was devastated, I was angry and most of all I was broken (I still am). I immediately check my phone bill, which she was on and yes the moment I got on that plane those two started texting each other.

This was all so deliberately done. I flew back to Minnesota with my parents, I packed up everything I had and I left. I left to Florida, to be with my family. My dream for years has been to be with my family, and to live in Florida near then. At times my fiancee would hold me back from chasing dreams like those.

Last year was one of the hardest I have ever experienced. I am in desperate need or prayer. I have become depressed again and I am really struggling. My new church has been a blessing but I can not stop feeling depressed and betrayed. In the end God gave me so much, I am in Florida, and I am with my family. My ex just has a new boyfriend, and I know that he will not put up with the things she did to me. I do not wish her anything but the best. I am so angry and have such a hatred for her that I am struggling to prayer for her.

Please pray that anger would not consume me, pray that I may be strong and overcome this. Please pray that my dreams of her and my depression will fail into God's hands. I really need hope and something to hold onto as I feel myself slipping away

Pipp · Jan 21, 2018

Praying for you

LittleMermaid · Jan 22, 2018

Hey brother sorry this happened to you. I know it's hard finding out that the lady you love is cheating on you. But think of it this way...it's a blessing in disguise. Thank God she told you. Thank God you didn't marry her and have children with her. And thank God that you're fairly young still...you can find someone else.

Try to focus on all the qualities you didn't like about her. Think of what your future partner would be like and how different she is to your ex. Also, remember that you wouldn't want to be with a cheating wife. Better a cheating girlfriend than a cheating wife.

Focus on God, focus on your self betterment and focus on your family. Also, next time you find a lady you think is marriage material, ask your friends/parents/pastors what they think of her. There are signs to look for in cheating partners...just like that phone bill. Read up on them and make sure your future girlfriend isn't doing them.

Blessing to you brother! You're going to be okay.

Ugly · Jan 22, 2018

I sympathize. I was engaged years ago. One day she simply stopped talking to me. No warning. Had her family lie about her availability when I called, never called me. This went on for over a week, maybe two. I eventually gave up, and after a while I called again. She answered. She sounded happy to hear from mrle, apologized for being so busy. Said she was on another call and asked me to wait while she ended it. She hung up. Didn't answer when I called back. That was the last time we ever spoke.
I had a gf confess that someone she liked before me had come back into her life. An argument broke our between him and I and despite him being a huge jerk toward me she blamed me and sided with him. She broke up a week later. They got together shortly after.
Or one that decided to try and get me to break up with her so she wouldn't have to break up with me. She started acting weird, telling me she was hiding things about herself, things she knew I disliked. Turns out she had selfish motives and tried to hide the real reason. Even when confronted with the evidence she denied it.
I was talking about moving to another country for one woman and out of nowhere she ended things.
One tried for a year to get us to date, but her behavior was so shady I told her it would never happen. She persisted anyways. I eventually stumbled across her fb page (she told me she didn't have one) and found out she lied about all kinds of things. And that she was engaged when we first met. And had a miscarriage during the time she was trying to get with me. Never told me she was even pregnant.
I dated one woman and things went well for a while and then started changing. I asked her that neither of us make a decision about the relationship for a while. She agreed. Not even 12 hours later she ended things. And I was trapped at her house with no money to leave. And very sick and ended up 10 days in the hospital just a day or two later. She came to visit and asked every day if I still loved her. Not to get back together, but she just wanted to know.
I chased to get her back, she ended up treating me horribly, despite my doing everything to treat her well. I had to cut her out of my life she became so mean.

So, yeah, I get it. And I could go on.
It was never that I did anything wrong, either. Just that they changed. Or showed their true colors. I'm not sure which. It's painful and can break you. I had reached that point, for sure.

jsr1221 · Jan 22, 2018

LittleMermaid said:

Not everyone gets married, though. Paul even says it's better for some folks to be single. To suggest focus on a future mate can hurt even more because it gives a person a false perception of what to immediately look for. That person is forcing it upon him/herself to look for someone instead of letting God do what He wants with that situation.

renewed_hope · Jan 22, 2018

jsr1221 said:

I didn't see anything wrong with her post. It was encouraging and factual. It helps heal after a breakup to make a list of what you do and don't want in a future relationship.

Plus, the feeling the OP has in feeling crushed and defeated are lies of the enemy. In fact with God as our cornerstone, it is the enemy who will be defeated

jrccomputer · Jan 22, 2018

Thank you all for your prayers and word of encouragement! I fully understand that God has not intended all to get married. I will always believe that God is a good father and that his will is to prosper us. When things hurt, it is not because of God but rather because we are growing. Just like when we go to the gym, sometimes our muscles hurt but that is because something new and stronger is being built.

The secret to the future is not to focus on the old, but building new and beautiful things. I have every faith that God will or he might not put someone into my life and I am okay with that. God has called us to move forward, and choose a direction. We are not called to sit around simply waiting for God to hand us things. Get out there and try to date again. God will put his hands on it. If it meant for me, God will make it work and if it doesn't I will not keep banging on the closed door.

As Christians we can not sit and just wait. God has called us to move, go in any direction and allow God to move you into the right direction

Depleted · Jan 22, 2018

jrccomputer said:

When you lose someone, it IS depressing! It is hurt, anger, confusion, grief. It is grief! To not feel all that is something to worry about. To be swallowed up in it is expected for a while. If you don't go through it all now, it's like sewing up an uncleaned wound. It's only going to get worse later on, but it will have to be dealt with sooner or later.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are feeling what you'res supposed to be feeling, and going through what you're supposed to be going through. The "only" need you have, is the same need we always have at any given moment of any given day -- the Lord. He's our big need, but he also delivers what we need.

Seek him, and keep seeking him. No, he won't take the pain away instantly, because pain has purpose. It tells us something is wrong. The bigger the pain the bigger what is wrong. You're going through whopper pain because whopper-something-is-wrong. Not only did you lose her, but you lost her in the worst kind of way we can lose someone -- through deceit, and then she threw it in your face in the worst way. Seek the Lord. Be honest with him, because now you know what deceit does, and you certainly don't want that in your relationship with the Lord.

And then notice something. It will seem small at first, but it will get big. And it's not small at all, it's just our myopic perception when it starts. The Lord will minister to you. He will comfort you. And, if you listen carefully, he will tell you what he wants you to learn through this painful lesson. I don't know if you're ready to learn yet. Not that that is bad. It's really hard to learn when we're all kinds of sore and all kinds of confused, angry, etc. But, when you're too curious on what the Lord would have you learn here, try reading Proverbs. There is lots of wisdom in those pages, and I suspect you'll see every instance of the Lord teaching you as you read it.

But do understand two things now:
1. You're supposed to be depressed! If you weren't? Then I'd be worried about you.
2. The Lord is our Overcomer. We aren't strong enough to overcome, so we count on him for all our strength. Don't count on your own strength. Count on his.

Depleted · Jan 22, 2018

jrccomputer said:

Thank you all for your prayers and word of encouragement! I fully understand that God has not intended all to get married. I will always believe that God is a good father and that his will is to prosper us. When things hurt, it is not because of God but rather because we are growing. Just like when we go to the gym, sometimes our muscles hurt but that is because something new and stronger is being built.

The secret to the future is not to focus on the old, but building new and beautiful things. I have every faith that God will or he might not put someone into my life and I am okay with that. God has called us to move forward, and choose a direction. We are not called to sit around simply waiting for God to hand us things. Get out there and try to date again. God will put his hands on it. If it meant for me, God will make it work and if it doesn't I will not keep banging on the closed door.

As Christians we can not sit and just wait. God has called us to move, go in any direction and allow God to move you into the right direction

Actually, we are to look at the past. When something goes wrong, we look back to figure out how it went wrong, so we don't keep doing the same thing. (Part of the reason I wanted you to read Proverbs.)

tourist · Jan 22, 2018

jrccomputer said:

I have taken a several weeks to get my head and feelings more clear! I am dealing with more then I ever thought I could/would. My life has never been easy and I was born into struggle. At my high point in life, I welcomed struggle. Right now, my heart is absolutely shattered and I can't even believe I am in reality. God is right here with me, and my new amazing church as really been a blessing.

On Christmas Eve my Fiancee, my 4 year relationship came to a crushing end. I was called by my fiancee and told she does not love me anymore. That she has not loved me for a year. I thought that was the worst. In the end it turns out she has been cheating on me for over a year with this guy from her work that I was also friends with. She called me to tell me all of this, while I was in Florida with family for 2 weeks. I was devastated, I was angry and most of all I was broken (I still am). I immediately check my phone bill, which she was on and yes the moment I got on that plane those two started texting each other.

This was all so deliberately done. I flew back to Minnesota with my parents, I packed up everything I had and I left. I left to Florida, to be with my family. My dream for years has been to be with my family, and to live in Florida near then. At times my fiancee would hold me back from chasing dreams like those.

Last year was one of the hardest I have ever experienced. I am in desperate need or prayer. I have become depressed again and I am really struggling. My new church has been a blessing but I can not stop feeling depressed and betrayed. In the end God gave me so much, I am in Florida, and I am with my family. My ex just has a new boyfriend, and I know that he will not put up with the things she did to me. I do not wish her anything but the best. I am so angry and have such a hatred for her that I am struggling to prayer for her.

Please pray that anger would not consume me, pray that I may be strong and overcome this. Please pray that my dreams of her and my depression will fail into God's hands. I really need hope and something to hold onto as I feel myself slipping away

Sorry this happened to you but she is not the only starfish in the sea. At least you're in Florida, that's really not a bad place to be. After my life crashed and burned in 2014 I moved back to Florida too to heal and lick my wounds. I have said a prayer for you for God to allow you to put all of this behind you and to move forward once again. Believe me, at the age of 24 you're life is not over but rather is just beginning.

EmilyNats · Jan 22, 2018

Wow, I'm sorry this happened. I will also be praying for you!

LittleMermaid · Jan 22, 2018

jsr1221 said:

I actually never said for him to FOCUS on a mate. I did tell him to THINK about the qualities he would like in a future partner but not to FOCUS on it. There's a difference between the words "think" and "focus."

I told him to FOCUS on his self betterment, his family/friends and his relationship with God.

Also, as Christians we will all enter a marriage with God. So even if he doesn't find a woman to marry in this world, he can definitely look forward to the ultimate love covenant that he will enter when he leaves this Earth.

dailybread · Jan 22, 2018

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you! Sending prayers your way! You're in the right place for support! Hang in there and let God intervene!

AdolfHipster · Jan 22, 2018

Depleted said:

When you lose someone, it IS depressing! It is hurt, anger, confusion, grief. It is grief! To not feel all that is something to worry about. To be swallowed up in it is expected for a while. If you don't go through it all now, it's like sewing up an uncleaned wound. It's only going to get worse later on, but it will have to be dealt with sooner or later.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are feeling what you'res supposed to be feeling, and going through what you're supposed to be going through. The "only" need you have, is the same need we always have at any given moment of any given day -- the Lord. He's our big need, but he also delivers what we need.

Seek him, and keep seeking him. No, he won't take the pain away instantly, because pain has purpose. It tells us something is wrong. The bigger the pain the bigger what is wrong. You're going through whopper pain because whopper-something-is-wrong. Not only did you lose her, but you lost her in the worst kind of way we can lose someone -- through deceit, and then she threw it in your face in the worst way. Seek the Lord. Be honest with him, because now you know what deceit does, and you certainly don't want that in your relationship with the Lord.

And then notice something. It will seem small at first, but it will get big. And it's not small at all, it's just our myopic perception when it starts. The Lord will minister to you. He will comfort you. And, if you listen carefully, he will tell you what he wants you to learn through this painful lesson. I don't know if you're ready to learn yet. Not that that is bad. It's really hard to learn when we're all kinds of sore and all kinds of confused, angry, etc. But, when you're too curious on what the Lord would have you learn here, try reading Proverbs. There is lots of wisdom in those pages, and I suspect you'll see every instance of the Lord teaching you as you read it.

But do understand two things now:
1. You're supposed to be depressed! If you weren't? Then I'd be worried about you.
2. The Lord is our Overcomer. We aren't strong enough to overcome, so we count on him for all our strength. Don't count on your own strength. Count on his.

This is a great post.

Aiutalemani · Jan 23, 2018

Hey brother! Thank you for being brave and sharing your story here! I know it is hard to face this kind of deception and I am sure that your heart is broken right now but this is moment in which you need to trust in the Lord the most! I see that you have been given some good advice in here and I agree with many of it: Seek His face, follow His will and you will come out of this situation transformed by the renewing of your mind knowing what God’s will for you, his good, pleasing and perfect will! I pray that you find company and strength around you in the company of friends and family that will support you both emotionally and spiritually! Move forward my friend!

7777pinacled · Jan 25, 2018

jrccomputer said:

I have taken a several weeks to get my head and feelings more clear! I am dealing with more then I ever thought I could/would. My life has never been easy and I was born into struggle. At my high point in life, I welcomed struggle. Right now, my heart is absolutely shattered and I can't even believe I am in reality. God is right here with me, and my new amazing church as really been a blessing.

On Christmas Eve my Fiancee, my 4 year relationship came to a crushing end. I was called by my fiancee and told she does not love me anymore. That she has not loved me for a year. I thought that was the worst. In the end it turns out she has been cheating on me for over a year with this guy from her work that I was also friends with. She called me to tell me all of this, while I was in Florida with family for 2 weeks. I was devastated, I was angry and most of all I was broken (I still am). I immediately check my phone bill, which she was on and yes the moment I got on that plane those two started texting each other.

This was all so deliberately done. I flew back to Minnesota with my parents, I packed up everything I had and I left. I left to Florida, to be with my family. My dream for years has been to be with my family, and to live in Florida near then. At times my fiancee would hold me back from chasing dreams like those.

Last year was one of the hardest I have ever experienced. I am in desperate need or prayer. I have become depressed again and I am really struggling. My new church has been a blessing but I can not stop feeling depressed and betrayed. In the end God gave me so much, I am in Florida, and I am with my family. My ex just has a new boyfriend, and I know that he will not put up with the things she did to me. I do not wish her anything but the best. I am so angry and have such a hatred for her that I am struggling to prayer for her.

Please pray that anger would not consume me, pray that I may be strong and overcome this. Please pray that my dreams of her and my depression will fail into God's hands. I really need hope and something to hold onto as I feel myself slipping away

Given some time the Lord will heal the pain caused by the severence of the bond.
Just remember that the pain is not anger.

Concrete · Feb 4, 2018

I am 56 my oldest brother died in a car accident when I was in 7th grade we were very close I looked up to him then my dad got cancer and had 6 to 11 months before he past my middle brother and his girlfriend died in a double hit in run a car hit him into the road she went to help him then another car ran them both over and killed them, a year to the day we put my middle brother in the ground my dad died, my mom passed a fur years ago
When my oldest brother died I started smoking pot just to get away from the pain then went to drinking my marriage broke up I drank even more when my mom and dad got ill I should have been there more I should have moved in to my dads even if I had a 3 hour each way for work, my mom wanted me to move down where she lived but I couldn’t saying I just started my business and my children are up here. To this day I hate myself for not being there for them I mean they had the pain of losing 2 of their children then I found the internet and it took over had no desire but it just took the place of the booze my business is slow
I have to be out of where I live by March 31 have no money no where to go may lose my children meaning they may not talk to me I did not know I was in depression it sneaks up and you just don’t know it I have held all the pain in my life in and it’s going to cost me everything there has been many day that I figured the world would be better off with me not in it for years I have been coming home to a empty house I figured I am not worth anything all I ever wanted to do was to be a good father and a good person I tried but again I guess I failed at that
I pray and pray I am broken and I don’t want to feel like this
Dose anyone what the feeling is like feeling that you are going to lose everything I lost one family I am not strong enough to go through that again
I ask god I pray to god to come into my life and fix me and help me I can’t do it on my own I don’t think I am a bad person

zeroturbulence · Feb 4, 2018

I don't want to sound rude, but she was cheating on you for a year, bro.... A year! This breakup is a blessing and your feelings are based on delusions about a relationship that only existed in your mind.

Sorry, I'm not usually this blunt but I dont want to see someone grieving over a cheater.. especially since you seem like a nice guy.

17Bees · Feb 4, 2018

Concrete said:

Hey Mr. Concrete -

I appreciate your testimony. It's a very powerful story and I feel compelled to tell you there's good news and bad news concerning you plight. The bad news is the things you've tried have not been successful. The things you've chosen to ease your pain have had no long term effect and could even result in lost relationships with family. You have regrets that have played a role in how you negatively judge yourself and, thus, have wrongly established that you are not strong enough to endure more.

The good news is you have asked God to come into your life. Along with that, let's try to break these issues down into a simplistic kind of way. There's you - Mr. Concrete - and then there's the failed things you do in your life. Not the things you can't control. The things you actually do. Separate those two things this way: There's the sin (the things you do) and then there's the sinner (you). God loves and forgives the sinner, but what happens to the sin?

The sin goes on unforgiven and does its dirty work. It destroys relationships and wrecks families and ruins lives. Ruins your life. So, when you ask God to "fix you", please understand you are already fixed.

Sometimes I have thought that if a man was unsure of God's plans for his life - if he had no idea of God's will for himself personally - he could probably rest assured it would be that of rectification. Stopping the sin that had started knowing its life was endless. Repairing the damage the sin had caused. Rebuilding the relationship that was hurt. Renovating the family that was lost. The result of all this earnest work is the miracle of a reformed self.

You're not a bad person Mr. Concrete, but we all got it coming. We've all fallen. But God has fixed you.

Jo799 · Feb 4, 2018

It is better than cheating on u after marriage. U just need some time w ur self try to go in vacation for some time try to make new friends try to find a true christian girl

Crushed and Defeated!

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