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Thread: The Most Important Thing

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    Senior Member MissCris's Avatar
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    Question The Most Important Thing

    My church is currently doing a class for married couples called “Grace-Filled Marriage”. The idea, I think, is good- the execution is a bit...meh.

    The theory is, every aspect of a marriage requires both parties to extend grace to the other at some point. It goes over many of the common problems that pop up in most relationships, and how applying a “grace filled attitude” can drastically improve everything from pet peeves, to communication, to intimacy.

    The problem I’m seeing so far- well, two problems- 1, this entire course takes scripture way out of context, finding verses to support the lessons rather than creating lessons around the verses. And 2, it’s teaching that grace is basically the most important thing in any relationship, and I’m not sure that’s true. It’s important- it’s not Everything.

    So, out of curiosity, what do you all think is the most important thing in a relationship? The one thing it’s got to have?

    Note: I’m working off the assumption that we can pretty much all agree that God has to be the foundation, so hopefully we won’t get twenty posts preaching at us, and instead have some thoughtful insight...


    There's joy for the morning
    Oh sinner, be still
    Earth has no sorrow
    That Heaven can't heal
    -Crowder

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    Senior Member Tommy379's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Sounds like typical February church activities.

    I would think marriage takes a lot of work, forgiveness, grace.
    Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

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    Senior Member AuntieAnt's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Excellent listening skills. Hearing what each other is saying, the freedom to express it, and total acceptance of each other's perspectives and feelings.

    I didn’t see a temple in the city because the Lord God All-Mighty and the Lamb are its Temple. The city didn’t have need for the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the Glory of God gave it light; the Lamb is the Light.

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    Senior Member seoulsearch's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Quote Originally Posted by Tommy379 View Post
    I would think marriage takes a lot of work, forgiveness, grace.
    Well what a co-ink-y dink.

    I happen to be lacking in all 3 of those areas.

    Maybe that's why I'm not married.

    (But kudos to all of those who are!)
    "You say, you dream of my face...
    But you don't like me,
    You just like the chase." -- JoJo.


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    Senior Member MissCris's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    I realize this is a marriage question posted in a single’s forum- I did it this way because y’all are my favorites and I like the way you think


    There's joy for the morning
    Oh sinner, be still
    Earth has no sorrow
    That Heaven can't heal
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    Senior Member hornetguy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Quote Originally Posted by MissCris View Post
    My church is currently doing a class for married couples called “Grace-Filled Marriage”. The idea, I think, is good- the execution is a bit...meh.

    The theory is, every aspect of a marriage requires both parties to extend grace to the other at some point. It goes over many of the common problems that pop up in most relationships, and how applying a “grace filled attitude” can drastically improve everything from pet peeves, to communication, to intimacy.

    The problem I’m seeing so far- well, two problems- 1, this entire course takes scripture way out of context, finding verses to support the lessons rather than creating lessons around the verses. And 2, it’s teaching that grace is basically the most important thing in any relationship, and I’m not sure that’s true. It’s important- it’s not Everything.

    So, out of curiosity, what do you all think is the most important thing in a relationship? The one thing it’s got to have?

    Note: I’m working off the assumption that we can pretty much all agree that God has to be the foundation, so hopefully we won’t get twenty posts preaching at us, and instead have some thoughtful insight...
    The most important thing? Love, trust, patience.


    Good thing the ability to follow instructions is not on there.......
    No man is really saved unless he is in his heart obedient to Christ. C.H. Spurgeon

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    Senior Member hornetguy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Quote Originally Posted by seoulsearch View Post
    Well what a co-ink-y dink.

    I happen to be lacking in all 3 of those areas.

    Maybe that's why I'm not married.

    (But kudos to all of those who are!)
    co-inky-dinks aside, you just haven't met "the one" yet. That lucky guy will come along when God is ready for him to.

    It will very likely catch you by surprise.... it usually does, from what I hear others say....
    No man is really saved unless he is in his heart obedient to Christ. C.H. Spurgeon

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    Senior Member PennEd's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Quote Originally Posted by MissCris View Post
    My church is currently doing a class for married couples called “Grace-Filled Marriage”. The idea, I think, is good- the execution is a bit...meh.

    The theory is, every aspect of a marriage requires both parties to extend grace to the other at some point. It goes over many of the common problems that pop up in most relationships, and how applying a “grace filled attitude” can drastically improve everything from pet peeves, to communication, to intimacy.

    The problem I’m seeing so far- well, two problems- 1, this entire course takes scripture way out of context, finding verses to support the lessons rather than creating lessons around the verses. And 2, it’s teaching that grace is basically the most important thing in any relationship, and I’m not sure that’s true. It’s important- it’s not Everything.

    So, out of curiosity, what do you all think is the most important thing in a relationship? The one thing it’s got to have?

    Note: I’m working off the assumption that we can pretty much all agree that God has to be the foundation, so hopefully we won’t get twenty posts preaching at us, and instead have some thoughtful insight...

    VERY difficult to pin it down to a single thing but I would say love and respect.

    While it's certainly true that a man needs love, and a woman needs respect, I believe at our core the man MUST receive respect, and the woman MUST receive love.

    If neither, or one, is not getting that core need from their spouse, they will seek it elsewhere.

    I don't know how many times I've seen a husband not show his wife proper love, much less the way he is supposed to love like Christ loves us, or a wife disrespect her husband, ESPECIALLY in front of other people, like rolling her eyes at something he says, that I KNOW that marriage is in trouble.

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    Senior Member Tommy379's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Quote Originally Posted by seoulsearch View Post
    Well what a co-ink-y dink.

    I happen to be lacking in all 3 of those areas.

    Maybe that's why I'm not married.

    (But kudos to all of those who are!)
    I'd like to come up with something witty, I got nothing.

    I don't think you're lacking any more than anyone else. The work is to be resolute in your commitment. Grace to a Christian, is only what can come from God, even when we fail God gives us undeserved grace. Forgiveness is the tough one, it takes a lot of faith in God's good grace.

    America didn't go to the moon because it was easy. We did it because it was hard. The endeavors with the greatest challenges, has the greatest rewards.
    Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

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    Senior Member MissCris's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Quote Originally Posted by PennEd View Post
    VERY difficult to pin it down to a single thing but I would say love and respect.

    While it's certainly true that a man needs love, and a woman needs respect, I believe at our core the man MUST receive respect, and the woman MUST receive love.

    If neither, or one, is not getting that core need from their spouse, they will seek it elsewhere.

    I don't know how many times I've seen a husband not show his wife proper love, much less the way he is supposed to love like Christ loves us, or a wife disrespect her husband, ESPECIALLY in front of other people, like rolling her eyes at something he says, that I KNOW that marriage is in trouble.
    Very good point- it makes me sad, watching people, to see a couple where the man is ignoring his wife, or leaving her to deal with a child or three by herself while he socializes or whatever. Same when I see or hear women sitting two feet away from their husband, disparaging him to their friends, or even if he’s not there, making fun of him or complaining about him...just massively disrespectful. These types of things on either side just breed resentment, and I believe resentment kills a relationship faster than just about anything else.


    There's joy for the morning
    Oh sinner, be still
    Earth has no sorrow
    That Heaven can't heal
    -Crowder

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    Senior Member Waggles's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Here is some pretty good advice from the Lord on this

    25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved
    the church and gave Himself for it,
    28 So men ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
    He who loves his wife loves himself.
    29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it,
    even as the Lord loves the church.
    Ephesians 5:

    18 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as is becoming in the Lord.
    19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be bitter against them.
    Colossians 3:

    7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge,
    giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs
    together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
    1Peter 3:

    DCrawshawJr, Dino246, 20 and 2 others like this.
    for necessity is laid upon me; yea, woe is unto me, if I preach not the gospel!
    1Corinthians 9:16

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    Senior Member Dino246's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Forgiveness.

    Couples (married or not) will hurt each other. Forgiveness is the root of our relationship with God, and is the "grease" for our relationships with other people.

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    Senior Member Demi777's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Honesty and Communication.
    Fact is ppl ain't always easy and u gotta figure out ways to ddeal or work around differences. My 2 cents
    God bless you
    ~*~Demi777 ~*~

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    Senior Member MichaelOwen's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    I believe that every marriage and every relationship should have this, above everything else, Christ centered at the forefront of the relationship/marriage. With Christ comes everything else, forgiveness, patience, love, peace, joy. Good listening skills and communication is right up there with it, but when both people have a strong love for Christ, their love for each other will blossom. Think of it this way.....love between two without Christ can be like a straight line....you gravitate towards one another but then BOOM you collide and have problems.....But you put Christ on top, and you and your significant other gravitate towards Christ, you both gravitate towards one another and that's a perfect love triangle.......just my two cents on it.

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    Senior Member Waggles's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Being a good cook
    my late wife, Angela, loved it when I got the wok out and
    cooked up Chinese.
    She often quipped "I only love you for your cooking."

    But she could make a beautiful yummy Tuna Mornay
    that was worth staying around for.
    for necessity is laid upon me; yea, woe is unto me, if I preach not the gospel!
    1Corinthians 9:16

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    Senior Member Lynx's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    I chewed this topic over for a while as I worked today. I gotta say there are a lot of factors in a relationship, and none of them seems to be more important than any of the others, because if you take one out the whole thing can fall apart.

    But it seems to me one thing can cause all the other elements to either be present or absent. Remember WHY Jesus said the greatest commandment was love? "On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets." Jesus didn't just say loving God and loving your neighbor was more important, he said everything else depends on it. If you love your neighbor like you love yourself you're not going to cheat your neighbor, because that would hurt as much as cheating yourself. You don't have to be told to give to the poor any more, because you WANT to help them. If you have love for your neighbor, all the other laws are things you just naturally follow, without even needing a law book.

    Now mind you, I have never been married myself. From what I've observed of others though, all the elements necessary for a relationship come from love, and they can all only be truly present as a function of love. He doesn't fill her gas tank because "Well if I don't she'll nag me about it," he does it because he doesn't want her to have to worry about it. She doesn't overlook a small annoyance because "I can save that for later in an argument," she overlooks it because she loves him more than she is annoyed.

    If love is not in a relationship then there has to be some other motive to make them respect each other - usually "If I don't treat her right she will leave me, and I don't want that!" And some elements will naturally be left out, because you can't legislate everything in a relationship - it just doesn't work that way. But if a man and woman truly love each other they don't have to follow a list of rules for how to make a relationship work, because all the elements come naturally as an expression of love.

    Caveat: Like I said, I ain't never been married before and all that I just said might be totally wrong. But I've observed a lot of relationships and the preceding is what seems to work.
    "Do you sing at church?"
    "Yes I sing at church. And I sing at work. And I sing at home... and in the car... at the supermarket... at Wal-Mart..."

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    Senior Member MissCris's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Quote Originally Posted by Waggles View Post
    Being a good cook
    my late wife, Angela, loved it when I got the wok out and
    cooked up Chinese.
    She often quipped "I only love you for your cooking."

    But she could make a beautiful yummy Tuna Mornay
    that was worth staying around for.
    This. This is adorable

    My husband says he survived the first...10...years of marriage when I was a terrible cook solely because I’m pretty good at baking and he knew even if the dinner was burnt to a crisp, the cookies would be good.


    There's joy for the morning
    Oh sinner, be still
    Earth has no sorrow
    That Heaven can't heal
    -Crowder

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    Senior Member MissCris's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Quote Originally Posted by Lynx View Post
    I chewed this topic over for a while as I worked today. I gotta say there are a lot of factors in a relationship, and none of them seems to be more important than any of the others, because if you take one out the whole thing can fall apart.

    But it seems to me one thing can cause all the other elements to either be present or absent. Remember WHY Jesus said the greatest commandment was love? "On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets." Jesus didn't just say loving God and loving your neighbor was more important, he said everything else depends on it. If you love your neighbor like you love yourself you're not going to cheat your neighbor, because that would hurt as much as cheating yourself. You don't have to be told to give to the poor any more, because you WANT to help them. If you have love for your neighbor, all the other laws are things you just naturally follow, without even needing a law book.

    Now mind you, I have never been married myself. From what I've observed of others though, all the elements necessary for a relationship come from love, and they can all only be truly present as a function of love. He doesn't fill her gas tank because "Well if I don't she'll nag me about it," he does it because he doesn't want her to have to worry about it. She doesn't overlook a small annoyance because "I can save that for later in an argument," she overlooks it because she loves him more than she is annoyed.

    If love is not in a relationship then there has to be some other motive to make them respect each other - usually "If I don't treat her right she will leave me, and I don't want that!" And some elements will naturally be left out, because you can't legislate everything in a relationship - it just doesn't work that way. But if a man and woman truly love each other they don't have to follow a list of rules for how to make a relationship work, because all the elements come naturally as an expression of love.

    Caveat: Like I said, I ain't never been married before and all that I just said might be totally wrong. But I've observed a lot of relationships and the preceding is what seems to work.
    This is a wonderful post, Lynx- I particularly like your point about needing another motive for respect if they’re lacking love. I think the example you used, the fear of being left, is a pretty common love substitute. And, as many of us have witnessed, it’s a poor substitute.


    There's joy for the morning
    Oh sinner, be still
    Earth has no sorrow
    That Heaven can't heal
    -Crowder

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    Senior Member Ugly's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    Seems an easy answer. Love. Because love contains so many other positive things within it including patience, respect, cheerful obedience, kindness, selflessness, giving and more.
    MissCris and MichaelOwen like this.
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    Give me a heart for repentance and make it stay
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    It's all my fault
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    Senior Member christian74's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Most Important Thing

    I read this post yesterday, tried to come up with my own answer and couldn't - and realized it's a hard question, at least for me.

    Disclaimer (based on a single man with no experience in marriage)


    The most important thing:

    1. let's get this out of the way first - you gotta have someone in your life first - it's hard to pretend you are in a relationship by yourself, which I've done before ("sorry guys, I gotta go, my wife's waiting for me, oh wait, I don't have wife..")

    2. piggyback on what Lynx said - Jesus said love one another just as I have loved you. It's easy to love when you are in love - however, there will be times when 'chemistry' is no longer there, or not as what it used to be. Love is not a state of mind but a choice one has to make. Yeah but Jesus, you haven't met my husband/wife - but again, Jesus said not just love one another by your standard of so-called love but love one another just as I have loved you - Jesus said these words right after He washed the feet of the Disciples - it always has been His loving kindness that brought me back from my sinful nature, it always has been - not the fear of judgment but His loving kindness that beckons me to get up from where I am and keep walking forward. I believe when you choose to love someone even if you don't feel like or when the other person does something hurtful to you, then you are creating something that's Jesus-like. And how do I do that? I am the vine; you are the branches... apart from me you can do nothing.

    3. Again, you have to have someone first - it's really hard to tango by yourself (you literally look like a crazy if you do).
    MissCris and MichaelOwen like this.
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