Married people on the singles' forum

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A

Ancilla

Guest
#1
#1
Quite frankly, I don't think there are enough married people who post of the singles forum. I recently reviewed the rules for this site and I misread one of the rules:

"10. Please do not hang out where you do not belong.
Please do not use the Teens chat room unless you are between 13 and 19 years old. And please do not use the Singles chat room unless you are single and 18 or older. (The other chat rooms are for general fellowship and are open to all.)"

It just says "chat room" I doesn't say "chat room and forum." I mean, it's an unfortunate fact that there are too many chat rooms on the internet that are meant for teens or singles but have users that don't belong there. If someone is lying about their age or marital status on-line, they're up to no good, and obviously we don't want that on this site.

But that being said, I initially misread the rule thinking it was refering to the chat rooms and forums and not just chat rooms. This got me thinking about adults on the teen forum and married people on the singles forum, both of which think should be encouraged.

I wrestle with so many questions on singleness and marriage. I've read books on Christian singleness* and opinions on things like whether or not it's ok to take an active role in looking for the right person to marry, just vary so greatly. When we discuss these on the forum, sometimes I feel like it's the blind leading the blind, and I really wish there were more married people who would put in their two cents.

*and there's more I want to read. I just wish there was more at the public library.
 
V

voiceoftruth

Guest
#2
#2
i one hundred percent agree with you married people should be here to encourage the single people.
I find most of my effective encouragement as a single person is from people that are married.
 
N

nanabean

Guest
#3
#3
Ohhhhhhhhhh I am so glad I read this!! hahaha!! I was so afraid you were saying we married folks should stay OUT of the "singles" forum!!! I have posted my "two cents worth" in here once in a while.....and then have been a tad worried I wasn't wanted in here!!! Glad to know I'm welcome!!! I don't begn to have all the answers, but I'm glad I'm able to feel like I can add my ideas.......
 
A

Ancilla

Guest
#4
#4
Merryheart said:
Well and I think perhaps married people do not want to give the impression that they are posting here to flirt or cross any lines there. (we've had to monitor the chatrooms in the past for such behavior and thats the reason for the rules). But yea post away where applicable , lol.
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You know, sometimes I'd just like to post a thread in the family section that says "Hey married people. Please come over to the singles forum because we need your advice on something."
 
A

Ancilla

Guest
#5
#5
See, I posted a link on another thread to an article from Christianitytoday.com about the myths of Christian dating. The author (married with a PhD) says

"The church has reached a difficult crossroads when it comes to pre-marriage romance. We no longer have rituals of courtship and arranged marriage to guide us every step of the way. This leaves a lot of room for error. It's also spawned a whole range of opinions and advice on how to handle dating. One glance at the numerous books about love, dating, and marriage suggests that we're making a lot of this up as we go along."

I really, really, really believe that. Because the world keeps changing (and unlike Pre-Millennialists, I don't believe that all these changes are negative and signs of the end times. I took too much history in university to believe that the past was somehow pleasing to God. History shows us that humans are sinful regardless of when they lived. I think a lot if not all these social changes I'm referring to are products of industrialization and those aren't good changes or bad changes they're just changes!!) we are struggle to adapt. And furthermore, when I read lots and lots of publications for Christian singles for my religious studies paper, I found that "sex before marriage is wrong" is pretty much the only consensus. And that's not even a "Christian" teaching per se, Judaism, Islam and every other religion other than Wicca that I'm familiar with also teaches that. In one Christian book I read for singles 95% of the advice was non-Biblical and some was even downright dangerous. Or to be more specific, if one followed her advice, they could easily be setting themselves up for a bad marriage, because she basically implies that if you find "the one" God has made for you that marriage will be perfect and easy. The reality is that no matter how much we involve God in the whole courting process and how much we keep God as the centre of a marriage, and no matter how good God is, marriage will still be a lot of work.

Or, lots of Christians don't want to save their first kiss for the alter, in an effort to be super pure. Well, Dr. Henry Cloud tells a story of one couple who went to a "no-dating" church and saved their first kiss for the alter. But after they were married the wife found out that the husband's "'spiritual teaching' was covering the fact that he was hiding from sexual problems, insecurities and a lot of weirdness." Like, we singles make too many assumptions. And I've really been challenging a lot of these assumptions. Like, we think (again, this is just an example) that if no sex before marriage is good, then no kissing before marriage is even better. But it take the perspective of a married person for us to hear that there is a possible downside to that.

Anyway, the point is that who and in what we we marry will greatly influence the rest of our lives. It's like the second most major decision after following Christ. And regardless of what some authors of these Chrsitian books would like to claim, they can't base all their advice on the Bible because it's just not there. The Bible was never meant to be our guide to dating or courtship or whatever. I mean, should I put on all my nicest jewlery and go sleep at a guy's feet to get him to marry me??? No, but that's what Ruth did.

So yeah, this is why I think I we need your advice.
 
I

imoss

Banned
#6
Feb 27, 2007
3,179
19
0
#6
my opinion is that there is nothing wrong with kissing & being intensly attracted to your boyfriend. the Holy Spirit really helps us here cause you know deep down when you are crossing the line between courting and inappropriate pre-marital behavior. I do think that attraction is very important and you should definitely not settle for someone where there is no attraction to begin with. That changes over time after you are married so dont expect it to be as fierce it turns into a comfortable love. a warm wonderful comfortable love. If after dating for awhile, he cherishes you as you kiss and it doesnt creep you out, he just may be the one for the ring... OH, another thing, i've heard of some who give it up cause they got the ring & the date & marriage is a for sure thing & then guess what... cancellation. Dont fall into that trap.
 
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Baptistrw

Guest
#7
#7
My two best reasons kissing should be for marriage and not before....

1. Kissing kindles
The Hebrew word for kiss (nashaq) is derived from the primary root meaning “to kindle.” Kissing is the beginning stages of starting a fire, a fire of passion which can easily burn out of control. When two people are in love, any sort of physical touch can cause the lust fire to burn, why throw gasoline on an already hot situation? “Why preheat the oven when you can’t cook the roast?” is the way Doug Wilson puts it in Her Hand in Marriage.

2. Kissing is a seal
Kissing is the first of many intimate moments a couple has after marriage. It is the first stage of a beautiful physical relationship that God approves of. When the preacher pronounces a couple as husband and wife, they seal their marriage and new life with a kiss. Isn’t that a beautiful truth? How nice is it to save that first kiss for the one whom God will give us to share the riches and blessing of marriage? If you’ve given up that first kiss why not saved the next for the most meaningful moment of your life? It is never too late to consecrate oneself to their future spouse, regardless of ones past.

Conclusion: Don’t kiss! It can be the first step to 2 things, a wonderful marriage or a life of fiery passion burning out of control. Save it for your wedding day! If you’re afraid of being a terrible kisser on that day, remember Adam & Eve didn't have practice either, and they turned out just fine!
 
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BLC

Banned
#8
Feb 28, 2009
711
4
0
#8
That is an excellent response and very mature advice. It was done with love, with wisdom and godly affection. Anyone could read that and have good definition to walk in the love of God and be secure and hopeful all at the same time. That is one of the best responses and communications that I have read on this site in the short time I have been here. I was edified. My cap is off to you, Baptistrw.
 
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beta7

Guest
#9
#9
hi can u tell me how to access the chat?
 
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beta7

Guest
#10
#10
hi, can u tell me how to access the chat?
 
A

Ancilla

Guest
#11
#11
imoss said:
I do think that attraction is very important and you should definitely not settle for someone where there is no attraction to begin with.
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Yeah, I guess because we, as Christian singles, here a lot about not being shallow and going for someone who you are just physically attracted to, that we forget that attraction is important. In this book I have "Boy Meets Girl" which is about courtship. In a section called "Questions to Ask Before You Buy The Ring" it says "Is sexual desire playing too be (or too small) a part of your decision?" He says "While sexual desire shouldn't play too big a part, it shouldn't be too small either. It's important that you are sexually atrracted to your spouse. As my dad likes to say, we shouldn't try to be "more spiritual than God" and marry someone we aren't excited about going to bed with." Again, this is one of these things that it takes a married person's persective on. I heard that married people face the temptation not to have sex with their spouse at times when they should because it's good for their marriage. I think as singles, from our point of view, we have trouble imagining that. Secondly, if someone is not attracted to their spouse than you think that temptation would just be that much worse to commit adultery. I've decided I'm only going to go into a marriage when I feel like I've prepared myself against the sin of adultery in every way possible. When my sister was preparing for marriage she read somewhere how dangerous it is to assume one is not capable of having an affair. It's such a destructive sin and every gaurd must be up against it! Third, if one is not attracted to their spouse, one must wonder if they're really in love with them. My brother-in-law's aunt is divorced and my sister said that her first husband was a great guy, but just a friend. Good did not make marriage to be between two friends! But when we fall in love in addition to being friends, then we have a great foundation for marriage. See, I've found couples who are truly in love also find each other very physically attractive, even if that person isn't actually the most attractive person they've ever liked. They just don't see it that way. I mean right now I'm looking at a picture of my oldest nephew when he was about a year old. At the time I really had no idea if he really was the cutest little guy on the face of the earth or if I only saw him that way because I'm so crazy about him!
 
A

Ancilla

Guest
#12
#12
beta7 said:
hi, can u tell me how to access the chat?
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Oh, you're talking about the singles chat, right? I think you click on "rooms" which is upper right of the of the main chatroom. Then you click on the triangle and then there's a drop down menu of all the different rooms. I don't know for sure I've never been in any of the other chat rooms.
 
T

Twilight

Guest
#13
#13
I think this is great! I was actually thinking the same thing, that it would be great to have married and even just more mature people in the single's forum to give, not just relationship advice but wisdom in any area! Yeah, come on in, you guys!!
 
C

carpetmanswife

Guest
#14
#14
ive posted in singles b4 and later apoligized after i realized it was 'singles' ..good to know we are welcome , we may not have all the answers but we surely can speak from our experiences. :)
 
W

WestindianBeauty

Guest
#15
#15
Hello, Im new to this website. Im lookin for some help/wisdom regarding my marriage. Anyone out there?
Twilight said:
I think this is great! I was actually thinking the same thing, that it would be great to have married and even just more mature people in the single's forum to give, not just relationship advice but wisdom in any area! Yeah, come on in, you guys!!
Click to expand...
 
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