dating 101 as a new convert ina seemingly lost world
- Thread starter deer92
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My advice, such as it is, is to not go out looking for a date. If you meet somebody who becomes a friend and then later a date, that will be a good person to have a date with. Don't go out looking for somebody just for the purpose of having someone to be with. There is a lot more to life than finding someone to share it with, and if you spend most of your life looking for someone you won't have much to share when you find her.
No I'm not married yet, so take this advice with a grain of salt. But I have had a fairly good life so far.
No I'm not married yet, so take this advice with a grain of salt. But I have had a fairly good life so far.
T
Does it matter if there "are still people who believe in abstaining until marriage"? The point is, it is commanded. And if you can't find someone else who believes that, don't get married.
Something that has really helped me is to remember that marriage is not the end goal. Our mission here on earth is to glorify God. Some of us are called to fulfill that mission as a single; and that's ok. God has that in His control, and it will work out for His praise and glory, and our ultimate good.
Something that has really helped me is to remember that marriage is not the end goal. Our mission here on earth is to glorify God. Some of us are called to fulfill that mission as a single; and that's ok. God has that in His control, and it will work out for His praise and glory, and our ultimate good.
Sorry deer92. You basically asked "How does a Christian go out and find a date these days" and we basically said "the best thing to do is not find a date..." which is honestly the best advice I can think of, but it can be disheartening to hear. :-/
If you are terribly lonely and feel you absolutely have to find a date, try to put yourself out in society. Instead of just getting through the work day, try striking up conversations with people at work... or at the store, or at church, or wherever you go. Don't limit yourself to talking to guys, strike up conversations with girls too - you never know if they have a brother you might meet. Trolling (fishing trolling, not internet trolling) is a good way to catch fish because you are parading the bait in front of a lot of fish over a large area instead of just letting the bait sit in one spot and waiting for a fish. Try getting yourself out there in society by just making an effort to talk to the people who are already around you, and see what friendships develop.
And no matter how awkward you feel trying to strike up a conversation, remember there are always people more inept than you think you are...
"No wait! Come back! I want to be friends at you!"
(By the way, humor is usually a great ice-breaker. I just gave you some examples.)
Yeah, that's basically the size of it. The general consensus seems to be "If you want to have a successful life you should get a college education, get a career, get married, have children and keep your life going like that until you get old and die."
1. Who defined that as a success, and why?
2. If I don't check off all the things on that list, is my life a failure?
3. Why would I care if society in general thinks my life is a failure? I have a rather low opinion of a lot of things society in general cares about.
"But don't you want to get married?"
No. Getting married is not something to check off my list of "goals for my life." Now if I find a nice lady, we hit it off well and start dating, then yes, I will probably want to at some point get married. But right now I don't have a REASON to want to get married, so no I do not want to get married.
"But you'll grow old and die alone! Don't you get lonely?"
No. I have a good life. It's a simple life, and kind of quiet, but that's how I like it. Who are they to tell me my life is lacking something if I'm happy with it?
The first thing to decide is IF you want to find a date. If you do, try to figure out WHY you want to find a date. If it is because people expect you to find one, find a better reason before you try to find a date. In the meantime, tell the people who expect you to find a date that they can go suck on a lemon.
If you are terribly lonely and feel you absolutely have to find a date, try to put yourself out in society. Instead of just getting through the work day, try striking up conversations with people at work... or at the store, or at church, or wherever you go. Don't limit yourself to talking to guys, strike up conversations with girls too - you never know if they have a brother you might meet. Trolling (fishing trolling, not internet trolling) is a good way to catch fish because you are parading the bait in front of a lot of fish over a large area instead of just letting the bait sit in one spot and waiting for a fish. Try getting yourself out there in society by just making an effort to talk to the people who are already around you, and see what friendships develop.
And no matter how awkward you feel trying to strike up a conversation, remember there are always people more inept than you think you are...
"No wait! Come back! I want to be friends at you!"
(By the way, humor is usually a great ice-breaker. I just gave you some examples.)
Yeah, that's basically the size of it. The general consensus seems to be "If you want to have a successful life you should get a college education, get a career, get married, have children and keep your life going like that until you get old and die."
1. Who defined that as a success, and why?
2. If I don't check off all the things on that list, is my life a failure?
3. Why would I care if society in general thinks my life is a failure? I have a rather low opinion of a lot of things society in general cares about.
"But don't you want to get married?"
No. Getting married is not something to check off my list of "goals for my life." Now if I find a nice lady, we hit it off well and start dating, then yes, I will probably want to at some point get married. But right now I don't have a REASON to want to get married, so no I do not want to get married.
"But you'll grow old and die alone! Don't you get lonely?"
No. I have a good life. It's a simple life, and kind of quiet, but that's how I like it. Who are they to tell me my life is lacking something if I'm happy with it?
The first thing to decide is IF you want to find a date. If you do, try to figure out WHY you want to find a date. If it is because people expect you to find one, find a better reason before you try to find a date. In the meantime, tell the people who expect you to find a date that they can go suck on a lemon.
Oh, and speaking of lonely... if someone complains about being lonely, listen to the specific complaints. Usually you'll find they are actually bored. Boredom and loneliness get confused a LOT, which can be a problem when people try to fix it by finding a spouse. If you're bored and you think you are lonely, finding somebody to date and marry probably won't help much.
T
Loneliness can be caused by many things. But it doesn't necessesairily mean you are bored. But it might be that when you have more time, the pain of being alone is more present.
One thing I have noticed is that the people, myself included, feel lonely because we have experienced a relationship or marriage. And the absence of not only intimacy but the companionship can be a heavy burden, espescially if the former significan other seems to be happy in a new relation. And if you add sickness or disability, you get a more nuanced picture of loneliness.
I do agree that marriage is not a quick fix to all misery, though.
One thing I have noticed is that the people, myself included, feel lonely because we have experienced a relationship or marriage. And the absence of not only intimacy but the companionship can be a heavy burden, espescially if the former significan other seems to be happy in a new relation. And if you add sickness or disability, you get a more nuanced picture of loneliness.
I do agree that marriage is not a quick fix to all misery, though.
Oh definitely some loneliness is indeed true loneliness. I don't talk about it much but I get lonely sometimes. Those who have had a relationship they lost, those who have never had a relationship but are growing old and watching all their friends happily married - there is such a thing as real loneliness.
But a sixteen year old boy who complains he needs to find a girlfriend because he's so lonely, that's usually just boredom talking. Not ALWAYS - young people can be introspective too, and they can be genuinely lonely - but most of the time it's just boredom.
But a sixteen year old boy who complains he needs to find a girlfriend because he's so lonely, that's usually just boredom talking. Not ALWAYS - young people can be introspective too, and they can be genuinely lonely - but most of the time it's just boredom.
How are you supposed to find somebody if you are not looking for them?
Sure many people meet each other in a serendipitous manner but their paths crossed through school or work or just geographic proximity.
However to get something started there was intent and interest expressed.
Dating and having relationships is just like finding a job. Can you expect a job to land in your lap? Sometimes it just might through your network or a chance encounter. Sometimes God might just give you one out of the blue. Hey, nothing is impossible.
But for the most part, for many people finding a job means putting out a resume, contacting people, applying to positions, visiting job fairs etc.
It is great if you are not looking for someone and you are content with life. If its working for you, that is just fabulous. (This isn’t directed at anyone particularly, but in general a reference to people who subscribe to that school of thought)
In my opinion, if someone wants to find a date or a relationship, they need to put themselves out there.
Sure many people meet each other in a serendipitous manner but their paths crossed through school or work or just geographic proximity.
However to get something started there was intent and interest expressed.
Dating and having relationships is just like finding a job. Can you expect a job to land in your lap? Sometimes it just might through your network or a chance encounter. Sometimes God might just give you one out of the blue. Hey, nothing is impossible.
But for the most part, for many people finding a job means putting out a resume, contacting people, applying to positions, visiting job fairs etc.
It is great if you are not looking for someone and you are content with life. If its working for you, that is just fabulous. (This isn’t directed at anyone particularly, but in general a reference to people who subscribe to that school of thought)
In my opinion, if someone wants to find a date or a relationship, they need to put themselves out there.
Go to a church, find groups to be a part of, network, meet people with similar interests. If you like someone, don't be afraid to go out and say it.
We live in a world where men and women are equal and if a woman likes a man, she should not be shy to take the first step.
If you have to, use dating apps in your vicinity. You don't have to compromise on your sexual purity. If someone is being a jerk, you know they are not right for you.
For everything guard your heart.
You don’t have to marry the first person who shows interest in you. Take your time to get to know someone. With dating apps and online dating in general, you can also narrow down your preferences - how tall a person should be, what occupation he might be having etc.
I don’t recommend dating someone on anonymous online chat forums like this. To start with, it isn’t a dating site. Most relationships on here end up being scams.