Hey Everyone,
So in the first thread, we started talking about the good Christian advice that every Christian person who is single hears: "Find a good person to marry at your church."
The purpose of these threads is to take a look at how this actually plays out in real life. I don't know about anyone else, but I constantly find that what people tell me, or what they tell me to do, often works very differently (or not at all) when applied to actual real life.
For instance, in the last thread, I particularly liked the story about one person who went to a small church in which the only other singles of the opposite gender were a teenager and a senior citizen--and that person is only in their 30's. But yet, they are constantly told, "Just find a good person to marry at your church."
And if a person dares to start trying options outside of his/her church, they are then accused of turning churches into meat markets. Personally, I find it to be a major Catch 22--you just can't win either way.
In this next thread, I'd like to take it to the next level. What about someone who has actually found "a good Christian" at their church to date and even marry, but it doesn't work out?
For instance (and again, these are all based on real people I once knew):
* Tim dated Caitlin, a girl from he has known from his church since they were kids, for a year and a half, but Caitlin decided to break off the relationship. Although Tim was crushed, some time has passed and he's decided to move on. Tim and Caitlin still attend many of the same events at their church, and there is a slight awkwardness, but each would like to go on with their lives. Although it's been a year since they broke up, many people in the church think they are still together, because they were so used to thinking of "Tim and Cait" as a couple.
1. How should Tim and Caitlin go about dating again? How do they let others know that they are now single and free
to date other people?
2. Since many people think they are still together, Tim and Caitlin might actually have to explain to someone they
are interested in that they are not with each other anymore. If it were you, how would you handle this? (If you were free from a relationship and trying to pursue someone else, but most people--even the person you liked-- thought you were still with your ex, how would you approach him or her?)
* Steve met his wife, Stacy, at church. They were married for 6 years and did not have any children, but Stacy met someone else in town and left Steve to marry her new boyfriend. Stacy grew up in another area, and decided to leave with her new husband to her old hometown. Steve was devastated, but it's been 18 months since their divorce was made official, and Steve believes he is eligible to remarry.
Many people at the church do not realize that Steve's ex-wife ran off with another man. They just know that he is divorced. Steve actually doesn't like talking about it, because he feels that he basically has to say, "Yeah, my wife told me I was a failure and married someone else." He finds it shameful and embarrassing, and, being a private person, doesn't like talking about it at all.
He is also a man of honor and would rather not trash his ex-wife to other people. He feels it is really no one else's business, but he is finding that he has to explain his situation to everyone he runs into, because they all tell him that God hates divorce and that he should have followed God's command to stay married. Steve had no intention of divorcing, but his wife left him for and married another man. Steve is very discouraged and feels that he shouldn't have to tell everyone and their mother about his, or his ex's, personal life.
However, in order to try to move on and, maybe even meet a good Christian woman at his church, he often has to go into morbid details about his life to everyone who asks, because they are not satisfied with a general answer ("it didn't work out.") And it hurts him deeply every time. It feels as if everyone who asks him (and they all ask) are siding with his ex-wife and subliminally calling him a failure, when he tried his best.
How do you feel about this?
1. Should Steve be obligated to explain his and his ex's marital history to everyone (just because they all ask)?
2. How can Steve go about letting it be known that he had a Biblical reason for divorce and would like to start dating?
3. Should Steve only feel obligated to explain his situation to someone he might be interested in? If so, how would he
go about this? For example, should he walk up to a woman and say, "Hi... Would you like to go out for coffee
sometime? I know, I'm divorced... but my wife committed adultery and married another man, so don't worry, I'm perfectly safe."
4. Would Steve be better off trying to look for someone at a different church or in a different setting (such as online
dating), in which he could perhaps only explain his story to a few select people?
I would really love to know your thoughts.
Everyone tells us to find a good person at church, but in real life, but real life is a lot messier and more complicated than what people realize when they give you this advice. Over time, I am finding that more and more people have similar stories to the ones above, and I am very interested in hearing your advice about what people in these situations might do.
Thanks for bearing with me, and I'm looking forward to reading your posts.
So in the first thread, we started talking about the good Christian advice that every Christian person who is single hears: "Find a good person to marry at your church."
The purpose of these threads is to take a look at how this actually plays out in real life. I don't know about anyone else, but I constantly find that what people tell me, or what they tell me to do, often works very differently (or not at all) when applied to actual real life.
For instance, in the last thread, I particularly liked the story about one person who went to a small church in which the only other singles of the opposite gender were a teenager and a senior citizen--and that person is only in their 30's. But yet, they are constantly told, "Just find a good person to marry at your church."
And if a person dares to start trying options outside of his/her church, they are then accused of turning churches into meat markets. Personally, I find it to be a major Catch 22--you just can't win either way.
In this next thread, I'd like to take it to the next level. What about someone who has actually found "a good Christian" at their church to date and even marry, but it doesn't work out?
For instance (and again, these are all based on real people I once knew):
* Tim dated Caitlin, a girl from he has known from his church since they were kids, for a year and a half, but Caitlin decided to break off the relationship. Although Tim was crushed, some time has passed and he's decided to move on. Tim and Caitlin still attend many of the same events at their church, and there is a slight awkwardness, but each would like to go on with their lives. Although it's been a year since they broke up, many people in the church think they are still together, because they were so used to thinking of "Tim and Cait" as a couple.
1. How should Tim and Caitlin go about dating again? How do they let others know that they are now single and free
to date other people?
2. Since many people think they are still together, Tim and Caitlin might actually have to explain to someone they
are interested in that they are not with each other anymore. If it were you, how would you handle this? (If you were free from a relationship and trying to pursue someone else, but most people--even the person you liked-- thought you were still with your ex, how would you approach him or her?)
* Steve met his wife, Stacy, at church. They were married for 6 years and did not have any children, but Stacy met someone else in town and left Steve to marry her new boyfriend. Stacy grew up in another area, and decided to leave with her new husband to her old hometown. Steve was devastated, but it's been 18 months since their divorce was made official, and Steve believes he is eligible to remarry.
Many people at the church do not realize that Steve's ex-wife ran off with another man. They just know that he is divorced. Steve actually doesn't like talking about it, because he feels that he basically has to say, "Yeah, my wife told me I was a failure and married someone else." He finds it shameful and embarrassing, and, being a private person, doesn't like talking about it at all.
He is also a man of honor and would rather not trash his ex-wife to other people. He feels it is really no one else's business, but he is finding that he has to explain his situation to everyone he runs into, because they all tell him that God hates divorce and that he should have followed God's command to stay married. Steve had no intention of divorcing, but his wife left him for and married another man. Steve is very discouraged and feels that he shouldn't have to tell everyone and their mother about his, or his ex's, personal life.
However, in order to try to move on and, maybe even meet a good Christian woman at his church, he often has to go into morbid details about his life to everyone who asks, because they are not satisfied with a general answer ("it didn't work out.") And it hurts him deeply every time. It feels as if everyone who asks him (and they all ask) are siding with his ex-wife and subliminally calling him a failure, when he tried his best.
How do you feel about this?
1. Should Steve be obligated to explain his and his ex's marital history to everyone (just because they all ask)?
2. How can Steve go about letting it be known that he had a Biblical reason for divorce and would like to start dating?
3. Should Steve only feel obligated to explain his situation to someone he might be interested in? If so, how would he
go about this? For example, should he walk up to a woman and say, "Hi... Would you like to go out for coffee
sometime? I know, I'm divorced... but my wife committed adultery and married another man, so don't worry, I'm perfectly safe."
4. Would Steve be better off trying to look for someone at a different church or in a different setting (such as online
dating), in which he could perhaps only explain his story to a few select people?
I would really love to know your thoughts.
Everyone tells us to find a good person at church, but in real life, but real life is a lot messier and more complicated than what people realize when they give you this advice. Over time, I am finding that more and more people have similar stories to the ones above, and I am very interested in hearing your advice about what people in these situations might do.
Thanks for bearing with me, and I'm looking forward to reading your posts.
