Looking for tips for dating when your over 40

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Lalilo

Guest
#1
#1
Hi I have to ask is it just me or do other people over 40 find the same thing. You meet someone you like only to find some form of baggage from the their past is like sandpaper on the relationship. Most of the women I've dated over the last few years are like me divorced and have children. What do you do when the children , ex partner or family are not bating on the same team for the relationship? I don't want to be a monk!
 
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aribeth

Guest
#2
#2
I'm surprised there has not been many posts for dating over 40. Its hard when there is kids and not everyone will side up as allies. All you can do is teach your kids proper christian values. If they are her kids, christian values can be taught under your roof per se, though they may not get such at the ex's place. Part of the downfall of divorces. Anyways, the only control you have is what goes goes when under your roof. Maybe you can find a compromise with your ex on the christian values issue, but if its her kids and her ex, the only leeway is what you and your girlfriend have under your or her roof. Its just not possible to make any ex comply if they choose not too. Its their roof in that case and unfortunately you have no say or influence for what goes on there. You can only set the example under showing the kids the better way. Also these kids are growing up and will also decide for themselves what to believe and act ultimately, especially if they are teenagers. Younger children are easier to teach and are more receptive to the gospel even.

As for myself I raised my son on my own, since he was 3, now 21. I have only started looking the past recent while but the pond is very slim,especially for christians. Churches don't go out of their way to help singles find suitors in their church communities, and yet they don't want one becoming unequally yoked to a non-believer, but what choice is really left for the seeker of a mate?

Also by one's 40's a lot of suitors have children that have grown up and left home. that's the kind of scenerio I seem to be running into as of late.
 
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kiwi_OT

Guest
#3
#3
I so know what you mean!!

My Mum is a wonderful Christian lady who ended a nasty marriage when I was 17 (Im now nearly 22). Her ex husband sought to isolate her, take away her job and control her with fear tactics and violence. She met this man at a church singles group when I was five, and now being single she is lonely and looking for a nice man but is terrified of looking in the same place where she met her ex - christian singles groups. But she doesnt want to look outside the church either ie bars, gym, randoms in the street etc. While my brother and I have our proverbial baseball bats waiting for anyone to try treat our mother like that again, we are also praying for a man to stand up, and be a man for her. Someone who puts Jesus first then her. *Sigh...
 
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Blueberry

Guest
#4
#4
Not only is finding a partner when you are older way harder, just add in the fact you are divorced to christians and they will run a mile. The feeling of rejection in your own christian community is disheartening. Then they always want to subtly know if your divorce was scripturally right, yada yada. Its people who live like Pharisees and by the law that will never give redemption and grace to divorced people. No wonder divorced christians sometimes feel more comfortable around non-christians and look for partners there too. The church sweeps the ugly and awkward things it doesnt want to face under the carpet, and certainly puts christians into some sort of rating scale. This is my impression anyway.

Im divorced and have raised my son since he was 18months old on my own. He is now nearly 17. Im expecting I will live out all my days as a single person. Im kind of used to it now anyway, lol.
I still have to believe that God hears and sees our desires. I always wanted lots of children, now that hope is fading away. I think of people who are single and have never been married or had kids by their late thirties and my heart aches for them. There seems to be far too many older single people in this generation. What happened to our society?
 
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kiwi_OT

Guest
#5
#5
Blueberry said:
Not only is finding a partner when you are older way harder, just add in the fact you are divorced to christians and they will run a mile. The feeling of rejection in your own christian community is disheartening. Then they always want to subtly know if your divorce was scripturally right, yada yada. Its people who live like Pharisees and by the law that will never give redemption and grace to divorced people. No wonder divorced christians sometimes feel more comfortable around non-christians and look for partners there too. The church sweeps the ugly and awkward things it doesnt want to face under the carpet, and certainly puts christians into some sort of rating scale. This is my impression anyway.

Im divorced and have raised my son since he was 18months old on my own. He is now nearly 17. Im expecting I will live out all my days as a single person. Im kind of used to it now anyway, lol.
I still have to believe that God hears and sees our desires. I always wanted lots of children, now that hope is fading away. I think of people who are single and have never been married or had kids by their late thirties and my heart aches for them. There seems to be far too many older single people in this generation. What happened to our society?
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Im sorry to hear that, and I also fully understand where your comming from. My mum is divorced because her husband abused her. At the time, the church we went to frowned on her for putting a restraining order on him instead of marital counselling and a reconcilliation. No one had any proof of him commiting actual infidelity except myself. He (on numerous occaisions) molested me and emotionally groomed me for rape. After contemplating this with a christian psychologist I was told that this is actually grounds for biblical divorce.
I can understand why legalistic christians can be so frustrating. They tell you you should either reconcile with your ex or stay unmarried because that is your fate. For many people the first choice is rediculous and the second proves scary and lonely. Solutions to divorce are always subjective to the case of course
 
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paul1149

Guest
#6
#6
Blueberry said:
What happened to our society?
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Advancing humanism has taken its toll, and continues to do so. Marriage lost its sacredness, and breakthroughs like the Pill helped lead to the sexual revolution, which was incredibly destructive. The worst part is that we haven't hit the brakes yet.
 
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Lalilo

Guest
#7
#7
I was water baptized 3 years after I was divorced and God filled me with the holy spirit 6 months later. When I was married I had a never ending emptiness inside me which I have now found was a holethat was meant to be filled by love. In retrospect I should have become a Christian when I was a young boy, but you cannot turn back time. If God can except my marital status why can't other Christians. I have learned to leave my past in the past and believe being Born Again as just that a new beginning.
 
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Lalilo

Guest
#8
#8
How do you start a group on here. maybe we need a chat group for Divorced Christians to help get us back to being an excepted individual.
 
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FireWire

Guest
#9
#9
I'm single and never been married and have no children. I don't find it to be a problem at all. I'm quite comfortable being alone.

In regards to women getting older apparently it's women pursuing careers first then deciding to have children. Some women leave it till their 40s and one reason being they haven't found the right man to have children with. One concern is we currently have a low birth rate but that would be just one factor in the big picture.
 
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kiwi_OT

Guest
#10
#10
FireWire said:
I'm single and never been married and have no children. I don't find it to be a problem at all. I'm quite comfortable being alone.

In regards to women getting older apparently it's women pursuing careers first then deciding to have children. Some women leave it till their 40s and one reason being they haven't found the right man to have children with. One concern is we currently have a low birth rate but that would be just one factor in the big picture.
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Heres a question - are you alone as in, 'Happy to be single and celibate for Jesus while in community' alone? Or, are you a 100% hermit and happy with that situation kind of alone.
Im always deeply suspcious when a man says what you've just said then pulls assumptions from his magical paradigm hat. Take a look at the quality of men in this country, we've got some of the worst domestic violence and drinking stats in the world. Finding the right men is exactly right! Its a needle in a haystack. Why would we want to birth more sons and daughters when theres no real men to get off their butt and mentor and pastor them, to show our sons how to be men of God and our daughters how to be treated by men. In the meantime, we will go to work and earn money for the children we've already got while we wait for the men to catch up.
And when the right men step up to the plate, why sure we'll become stay at home mums again.
 
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Blueberry

Guest
#11
#11
kiwi_OT said:
Im sorry to hear that, and I also fully understand where your comming from. My mum is divorced because her husband abused her. At the time, the church we went to frowned on her for putting a restraining order on him instead of marital counselling and a reconcilliation. No one had any proof of him commiting actual infidelity except myself. He (on numerous occaisions) molested me and emotionally groomed me for rape. After contemplating this with a christian psychologist I was told that this is actually grounds for biblical divorce.
I can understand why legalistic christians can be so frustrating. They tell you you should either reconcile with your ex or stay unmarried because that is your fate. For many people the first choice is rediculous and the second proves scary and lonely. Solutions to divorce are always subjective to the case of course
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Thankyou Kiwi, lovely thoughts from you. :)

I believe in a gracious and redeeming God too.
 
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FireWire

Guest
#12
#12
KIWI_OT

Yes I'm happy alone and happy with being a hermit because it's way better then getting into another abusive relationship.

I had one relationship recently and got cheated on and told I'm not a leader nor would I be a good father so she was really saying I'm not a real man. She then went on to another man and had a baby with him which makes it her third child and with another man. This is the kind of putdowns and criticism I've had for years. How on this earth would she know I wouldn't be a good father if I haven't even had a child as yet?

The assumptions you refer to I heard on Life FM one morning on the way to work and I don't know where the got that information from - probably disseminated by the dept of statistics? I also said it was one factor in the overall picture not the entire cause.

You talk about poor quality men. The feeling among men (both christian and not) is that there are no quality women out there either. The women I've come across are extremely critical and are not up to the same standard they demand from men. As men do you think we have the right to expect women to step up to the plate as welll?

You say we have one the worst domestic violence rates in the world? Is this only from men? I can assure you it isn't. It seems you target the males in our society whilst ignoring that some women engage in this too. I also heard on the radio that women are increasingly abusing children in this country. I've seen mothers yelling at their children while shopping and it's not what I would define as nornal discipline despite our society currently being set to moral relativism.
 
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Lalilo

Guest
#13
#13
I am concluding from this thread that nobody has any tips for me. We all live in Hope!
 
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Blueberry

Guest
#14
#14
Lalilo said:
I am concluding from this thread that nobody has any tips for me. We all live in Hope!
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Try online dating, find someone at church, bible-study, mmm...not sure where else. I would suggest any hobbies you do, but then your chances of finding a christian slim down. Single parent meet ups? Christian groups? You would be surprised actually by how many single people there are out there in late 30s and 40s.
 
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AgeofKnowledge

Guest
#15
#15
Lalilo said:
Hi I have to ask is it just me or do other people over 40 find the same thing. You meet someone you like only to find some form of baggage from the their past is like sandpaper on the relationship. Most of the women I've dated over the last few years are like me divorced and have children. What do you do when the children , ex partner or family are not bating on the same team for the relationship? I don't want to be a monk!
Click to expand...
Form a blended family if kids are present.
 
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