Any advice about this situation?? Thankyou all :)

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
P

police750

Guest
#1
#1
I've liked this girl for a year now.We're really good friends She goes to uni with me. She has never had a boyfriend before nor has she kissed a guy

I've asked her to be my girlfriend 3 times

1st time she said she just wasn't ready for a relationship so we remained just as friends.

2nd time she said against she wasn't ready, but then we started doing lots of one on one stuff together.

3rd time we had a long discussion about it, she said that part of her wanted to, but another part didn't like the idea of being in a relationship. But at the end she said she was really sorry but just couldn't.

Then 1 month later in April she tells me that she likes me, I kinda knew that already. She told her that even though she's really afraid of being in a relationship that she wants to give it a shot. Then we go on holidays separately, we she got back, one week later, she said she was really sorry but couldn't go through with it, even though she'd be jealous if another girl went out with me.

We had a final discussion about it at the end of may and she then she says she realizes she doesn't want a relationship with me because she thinks it would be weird. She says she sees me like a brother. But to be honest, I really don't think that's entirely true. She has said in the past that the whole concept of being in a relationship with anyone would be weird. She's also said in the past that the idea of being in a relationship stresses her out, but she's never been in one so i'm having trouble understanding where she has gotten these ideas from?

Anyways about five weeks went buy with little-no contact but we met up at the end of last month, and talked and patched things up. But I still like her and I think she still likes me. We ran into each other at uni the other day and just the way she acted around me seemed like she likes me still. She's asked me to coffee as well.. I know this doesnt necesaily mean anything, but it means she's not trying to avoid hanging out with me and that she still wants to do stuff with me...

Let's just say that I'm right and that she does like me. What should I do? I've prayed so much about this, and i just feel she's the one God wants me to be with... we get along so well together, she's even told me that she feels more comfortable around me than anyone else, that she feels she can tell me things that she can't tell anyone else...

I just don't want to give up.... But what do you guys think I should do? Give up? Keep trying to do things with her, but just friendly things like coffee and just let things flow?? Be more obvious- like ask her to dinner etc - (but we've had dinner together severeal times in the past)?? I've never had a girlfriend before either, but i've never felt this way before.... and i really feel there's something between us- i think she does have feelings for me, im not sure how strong they are, but i think she is convinced that despite her feelings she doesnt want a relationship. I think had i met her when she was 30, maybe something could have happened... This is what really upsets me, and this is why i feel i just shouldnt give up. But any outside opinions would be good :)

THankyou all and God bless :)
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#2
Aug 2, 2009
24,581
4,269
113
#2
In my experience, women like her will always just be friends, nothing more.

Ladies please tell me if I am wrong, but I think a woman knows as soon as she meets a guy if he belongs in the friend category or the boyfriend category...and the two always remain separate (unless someone in the friend category turns into a gorgeous hunk or something).
 
S

stingurl77

Guest
#3
#3
I agree with sir zeroturbulence. Me, I tell d guy straightly if i do or dnt like him.
 
P

police750

Guest
#4
#4
stingurl77 said:
I agree with sir zeroturbulence. Me, I tell d guy straightly if i do or dnt like him.
Click to expand...
hm.. but the thing is she didnt. She told me she wasnt ready for a relationship. THen that she wasn't sure, that part of her wanted to go out with me but that she just couldnt do it. And then she told me that she did like me and wanted to give it a go. And then she took it all back. - She said that even though she did like me and would be jealous if any other girl went out with me that she just couldnt go through with it.

I just feel that the fact she is/was confused suggests that she did/does like me. If she was sure that she didnt like me then the whole issue of her not wanting a relationship really wouldnt be a problem. No part of her would even want to give it a go. I feel that she does or at least that she did like me, but she felt she didnt want to get into a relationship. And this is what i just dont understand.
 
C

ChristianGuru

Guest
#5
#5
Personally I never let this become an issue where I need to ask for advice about it. I've decided to live my life with options and never let any one woman have any power over me. Please understand that I'd have to slap myself in the face as would any of my friends if they heard me talking this way.

If she doesn't take me seriously, I don't take her seriously. If she's indecisive, I don't take her seriously. If she's invested, I'll be invested.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#6
#6
If I were you, I'd move on. It does sound like she's only interested in being friends. And you never know, once she realizes what she's lost, it might just be a wake up call for her if she does have deeper feelings for you that she may not be aware of.
 
J

Jennifleur

Guest
#7
#7
I disagree that every woman would know right away, because for me, it's more than the exterior. I need time to get to know a guy, find out if we have anything in common before I just write him off as a "brotherly" friend, or decide that he might be worth dating. Of course, this is all hypothetical, as just about every guy I've met has put me in that "friend" category, which is probably why only one guy has ever asked me out (and we dated for one awkward month - but I gave it a try! Lol.). But, as for the situation above, it sounds like she's playing games. She either needs to be straightforward and explain exactly why she does not want to date you, or she needs to at least give it a chance and see what comes of it. If she's just worried about it being weird, she needs to get over it. Pretty much all relationships tend to be a bit weird and awkward at first. If neither of these two options are good enough for her, then I'd say it might be time to move on as well. If you're really meant to be together, God will work out the details. But in the meantime, you shouldn't let her jerk your feelings around.
 
N

NukePooch

Guest
#8
#8
Ditto to what everyone said... She sounds like she's not ready/looking/wanting/whatever a relationship. As hard as it sounds, I'd move on. Things are already weird between you two, so keeping it 'friendly' probably won't be any less confusing. You might want to move on so that you can find someone who isn't as "yes...no...maybe...sure...definitely not...absolutely delighted!...stay away from me...why didn't you call?...I hate you...I almost love you, kinda..."
 
themusicmiss

themusicmiss

Senior Member
#9
Apr 1, 2010
166
1
18
#9
yeah, dont waste your time unless your absolutely SURE she wants to start something up with you!
youre waiting which is good, especially if you believe this is the girl youre meant to be with...but this seems to have gone on too long :/
 
M

Matthew

Guest
#10
#10
It's tough to draw any conclusions about her feelings but it seems clear she has a fear of monogamous relationships for whatever reason(s) and she is clearly letting her fears control her actions resulting in a lot of indecision.

My advice is to walk away entirely, you have romantic feelings which means a truly genuine friendship isn't possible until those feelings are past and they won't pass anytime soon if you keep seeing her intentionally.

Consider she starts a relationship with you, her changeable feelings toward you mean it will never be a strong relationship and she'll send you on an emotional rollercoaster and as a man who has been down this road before I can say it will do you plenty of damage.

Some women, by intention or not will simply mess with your head and treat you like a convenience that will never go away, they will only treat you better when they realise you aren't a luxury and will not come running whenever they ask for your company.

Live independently man and don't pursue this girl anymore or make any reference to your feelings for her, you've put yourself out there and told her how you feel and what you want, if she is doing anything other than giving you a clear yes or a clear no then it's bad news all the way.
 
P

penguingal

Guest
#11
#11
zeroturbulence said:
In my experience, women like her will always just be friends, nothing more.

Ladies please tell me if I am wrong, but I think a woman knows as soon as she meets a guy if he belongs in the friend category or the boyfriend category...and the two always remain separate (unless someone in the friend category turns into a gorgeous hunk or something).
Click to expand...
I don't entirely agree. Some just needs a little more time to figure things out. This mostly applies to those inexperience ones when it comes to dating. She might only realize what's she's missing when she looses the guy.
 
E

EllaD

Guest
#12
#12
There are women who say "I'm not ready for a relationship" because they don't have the heart to say "I'm not ready for a relationship with you". And there's a big difference. Giving her time is one thing but this sounds like its been going on for quite some time. Letting go of feelings is never easy. Sometimes they take a bit of a forced effort. But coming from a woman, it sounds like she isnt interested but doesnt want to hurt you.
 
P

police750

Guest
#13
#13
EllaD said:
There are women who say "I'm not ready for a relationship" because they don't have the heart to say "I'm not ready for a relationship with you". And there's a big difference. Giving her time is one thing but this sounds like its been going on for quite some time. Letting go of feelings is never easy. Sometimes they take a bit of a forced effort. But coming from a woman, it sounds like she isnt interested but doesnt want to hurt you.
Click to expand...
if you had said this after i had first asked her out, yes i wouldve agreed with you, perhaps she was letting me down gently.

But she told me she liked me, only four months ago. She told me she would be jealous if any other girl went out with me. She has liked a couple of other guys in the past but has never told any guy of her feelings for them. She told me I had gotten the closest to convincing her to try a relationship. THat i had like cracked all the barriers around her except for a tiny shell that was unbreakable. She told me i had almost convinced her and that part of her really wanted to, but that she couldnt because she was too afraid and stressed about the idea of a relationship. - In fact she even said that she wanted to give it a go, but then took it back a week later

Yes then a month later (in may) she told me that she saw me as a brother and couldnt imagine marrying me. ANd she says because she can't imgaine marrying me she doesnt want to go out with me. To be honest, i think she is confused. I think she can't imagine marrying anybody- in fact she said that, she often jokes with her friends about marrying when she's 80..... She's barely 20 now so why should she even think about marriage? To be honest i can't imagine marrying anyone for a long long time, and i think she is scared of her feelings developing for a given person to the extent that she might feel she depends on them. In fact that same night, that she told me she saw me as a brother, she said to me that she didnt think we should do "datey style stuff" together, (like dinner and walks on beaches), because she was afraid her feelings for me would grow and become stronger and that that just wouldnt be right.

This is why at the end of may i thought that she still did like me and she knew it. But at the same time i think that she felt that she should pull away before her feelings for me became any stronger. I think she is/was afraid that if she lets her feelings for me grow this might affect her future decisions.....

Now (2 months later), Im not 100% sure how she feels. But, at the same time, if i let her go, I would feel like i gave up on the person who could potentially be the one.... Had we actually given a relationship a shot and this same situation had happened, sure it would be extremely hard for me, but i would be much more accepting of the fact that i should move on. But we really never gave anything a go. We had about 4 friendly outings in january, then went on separate holidays, then met up in uni a few times in march, and then she told me of her feelings at the beginning of april. and then she took it back.

I just feel we havent given this a proper shot at all....
 
E

EllaD

Guest
#14
#14
I'm sorry but that really sounds like "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either". Either she wants to date you or she doesnt. I'm just not a fan of mind games.
 
Shard

Shard

Banned
#15
Jul 8, 2010
309
3
0
#15
You're in the friendzone. I bet you two go out to lunch a lot. Just saying, don;t get in the friendzone. Its a deathknell.
 
L

lil-rush

Guest
#16
#16
Am I the only one who thinks this girl likes him, but has issues? It doesn't sound like she sees him as a friend. It sounds like she is selfish, and unwilling to let him date anyone else even though she is too scared to date him herself.

I would say just let her go. She doesn't seem to be ready for any sort of relationship. It sounds like she needs time to mature, and it is unfair to you for her to drag you around and play with your emotions like she is doing. Maybe in the future she will get her act together, but until then you should not allow yourself to be controlled by her on-again, off-again emotions.
 
S

sensitive

Guest
#17
#17
She is barely 20? There is the problem. She is much too young. From a woman's point of view and I don't want to hurt your feelings, if you were a hunk, drove a nice car and had money, she would be all over you. Harsh but at that age, true. Forget her, she is not for you. She is shallow and the fact that she has already told you that she would be jealous if she saw you with another girl she is keeping you dangling which is extremely selfish and narcisitic on her part. Unless you like pain, heartache and a low self esteem, keep seeing her.
 
R

revTaco

Member
#18
Mar 2, 2010
31
0
6
#18
All circumstances are different and people are too. Remember that we are uniquely made. There is no handbook on dating women or relationships for that matter, apart from the Bible. Relationships, real ones, take work. Your time and energy should be handled wisely. One thing I think many people have done is they think they get a relationship and that is it, You are technically in a relationship with her, just not defined as many would see it. I would recommend you pray for patience, guidance, and understanding. Then talk with her about it asking her why she does not see more than friends.
Illustration (as a minister I use them alot)
I was told one time about a certain type of food. It appeared disgusting and I was not wanting to try it. It took alot of convincing on friends and family but eventually I tried it and liked it and it became one of my favorite foods.
Illustrations can break down at points but you can see the point. We can analyze things but if we never try it we will not know for sure if it is something we are really missing out on.

I hope that you can sit down with her and set some goals or boundaries in your relationship.

I would also recommend reading some books on the subject of dating. I kissed dating goodbye (Joshua Harris), Boy meets Girl (Joshua Harris), Boundaries in Dating (Henry Cloud, John Townsend) I am sure there are other books on the matter but those have helped others I have talked with in the past on the subject.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.