How the Teachings of Emotional Purity and Courtship Damage Healthy Relationships

[goth4god]

I just saw, and skimmed this blog, and it makes so much since.
it has made me realize some things about myself by being in that type of mindset.
just read this and think what you will, I am not posting this for debates or anything, just posting it to get you thinking.
Link -> Darcy's Heart-Stirrings: How the Teachings of Emotional Purity and Courtship Damage Healthy Relationships

[kayem77]

Wooww...i just read it andd i felt so identified with the author....great articlee it really makes you think about this "rules" you have to follow to follow God , thanks.

[contemplative]

I was taught these sorts of rules (my mother gave me a book by Joshua Harris) and I agree. They're part of a well-meant but dangerous package handed to children, potentially ruining their view of religion and relationships. A good parent wants to protect his child from the pain of the mistakes he made, of course, but a kid who doesn't make mistakes doesn't exist.

For years I felt guiltier than my friends, even though I was the only one who bothered to follow the rules. I put rocks in my shoes to distract myself from sexual thoughts I really didn't even have; as an adult, I'm amused to find out this is a well-known ascetical practice.

I had respect and purity hammered so deeply into me that to this day I find eye contact difficult, and much more so with attractive people. This last one bothers me the most. It's the same way I relate to God - I really just don't. God, I was taught, required personal perfection and absolute obedience. God literally would not accept a prayer from a person who got a B on a report card.

Anyway. Thanks for posting the link.

[goth4god]

yeah, I went through the whole purity things, and I don't have a very affectionate family, so growing up with little to no affection, and then guarding my heart too closely, I have found it hard to love and show my love to others.
I have a boyfriend now, been going out 7 months, and he shows so much love, so he is helping me break out of my shell. but sometimes it is hard.
but I really related to the author and felt the need to share it.

Sorry, good article but I disagree. Courtship has value, it needs to take place as a development of maturity and understanding.

[goth4god]

I am not saying that courtship doesn't have value, but the way you handle it does.
I consider what I am doing with my boyfriend "courting"
to me all courting is, is dating someone to see if you are compatible for marriage.
I am having to change my frame of mind about "courting" because it says cuddling and holding hands is wrong, and I thought that.
then when I went and saw my boyfriend (he lives in a diff state) I was really wary about that stuff, but then I went ahead and did that, we held hands and cuddled, and if that had not happened I would not have been as comfortable and talked to him about stuff going on in my life.
boundaries are good, and you should know them, but too many and you have your heart closed off and it isnt good.
my heart has been closed off due to this for so long, that it is breaking in order to open up.

The key to courtship is the father of the girl discerning the ability of the man in question to be able to support his wife financially and spiritually

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I think we should all lock ourselves in the house and let our mommys and daddys decide who we should marry. After all our parents should control every aspect of our lives.

p.s. I am still in the house waiting. Im getting bored, thank god for this website.

[goth4god]

personally, my father isn't really a father and has made tons of financial mistakes and still does. and he may be a Christian, but he is never in the word.
so I did not even ask my father about dating him, and honestly I do not value what he has to say on the subject, if he even has anything to say.
I cared what my mom thought though.

Therein lies the issue. Submission to your own father is key in the courtship concept. It is hard for sure.

[goth4god]

my dad didn't care when I said I was in a relationship.
he didn't care that I was going to see my bf alone, he only cared that my flight didn't crash.
so it is hard to get his opinion on the matter when he doesn't care.

[goth4god]

and I asked the Father I trust, respect and know who cares.
I asked God.
He is the one I look to and ask about stuff. His is the only opinion that matters.

For sure but did you ask your BF to contact your father and create that relationship? This is foundational to courtship.

[goth4god]

no.
my boyfriend did it on his own.
he didn't ask permission, but he talked to him.
my dad didn't bring up our relationship at all and avoided the topic.

Yeah. This is where hard comes. Explaining what you expect of your father in courtship and then holding your bf and father accountable in their roles of the courtship. It is most definitely not like secular dating and for some fathers they need to be coached very often.

[goth4god]

I trust my God, my mother, and my close godly friends to hold me and my bf accountable.
my father could care less and doesn't have time to worry about my relationship, or be coached.