Catch 22

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zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#21
Aug 2, 2009
24,580
4,268
113
#21
Jullianna said:
If you are one of those people who is really not into dating total strangers and you like to get to know someone as a friend first, how do you get past being afraid to become interested in them as more than a friend for fear that it might not work out ...and then you might lose a great friend?

I'm one of those people who hates to be at odds with anyone, even an ex-bf. If things don't work out, they just don't work out. Doesn't mean it's anyone's fault necessarily (unless they're abusive, a cheater, etc.), right? Just means you aren't compatible.

So how do you handle that? Especially if it's someone you may see everyday, online or off? Anyone???

This might sound goofy to some folks, but for me it may be the biggest reason I'm still single :)
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I just convince myself that the person I like doesn't want me. Problem solved.
 
T

thimsrebma

Guest
#22
#22
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
Both sides has its ups and downs. You date a stranger, you get a chance to meet someone new and perhaps become friends with them, you date a stranger and they take you to a back ally way and kill you

You date a friend and your comfortable with each other and you can be more at ease during your date. You date a friend, he kisses you, you dump him he writes all over facebook how your breath stinks...
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Your world must be very interesting. I often wonder if you speak from experience.
 
T

thimsrebma

Guest
#24
#24
Jullianna said:
Thanks a bunch, y'all. I was driving home just now thinking about this. I guess when you are a woman who married at an extremely young age, spending your life working in professions with mostly men, your mindset is that they are all "just friends/co-workers", you know? It takes time to change that mindset after 15+ years I guess. :)
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Well I'm coming from a mind set of working in the elementary education field where there are virtually no men. So I have pretty much no male friends and the males that do work here...
 
1

1still_waters

Guest
#25
#25
Well I don't think folks need to rush in to anything. On the other hand they shouldn't dither for year upon year either.

Anyways. Seeing there is not really a need to rush things and seeing ruining a friendship isn't desirable, I say just keep getting to know the person. See if that 'more than friends' feeling lasts. If it does last, or goes away then comes back, then maybe you need to investigate that more with the 'friend'.

But there is no need to rush in to a thing. I think often a person becomes attracted to a 'friend' then they feel a need to rush in to investigating those feelings. Then when things aren't reciprocated, the friendship may end or may become awkward.

Rushing in to love is unwise in most circumstances, so just sit back, enjoy the friendship, see how feelings ebb and flow and if feelings remain the same after a good period of time, then maybe investigate those with the other person and see what's up.

Also I think there is something about love, that if it's meant to happen, it almost happens effortlessly, so there shouldn't have to be an 'extreme' process of figuring out the other person's way of thinking.
 
B

BenF

Guest
#26
#26
I think I have a good answer...

just save all the physical / intimate stuff until after you're married. If people just go from friends to married...there's like no risk of heartbreak...and it also kind of keeps premarital lust and sin away as well...and also helps the focus of the relationship to be on spiritual things instead of physical things...as it should be :)
 
T

thimsrebma

Guest
#27
#27
BenF said:
I think I have a good answer...

just save all the physical / intimate stuff until after you're married. If people just go from friends to married...there's like no risk of heartbreak...and it also kind of keeps premarital lust and sin away as well...and also helps the focus of the relationship to be on spiritual things instead of physical things...as it should be :)
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Just because you make good friends doesnt mean yopu should get married. There has to be more there. I know a few christian guys that are good friends but doesnt mean we are compatible for marraige.
 
A

alexiblue

Guest
#28
#28
I like that Ben, I really like that. Actually, that's my philosophy too. Save not only physical virginity, but also emotions and all the feelings that get contorted and then stretched way back out when break-ups happen. Lust and self-centeredness in dating/marriage completely negate the whole point of marriage...which is to glorify God, not ourselves, or someone else. Of course, just because you are good friends with someone doesn't mean you two are the right match--certainly there has to be something else...but it's not a feeling or even an attraction, it's faith, knowing that God's will is for you to be together for the rest of your lives. Basing a relationship solely on attraction, even if it isn't physical, will often lead to broken hearts (do you think today's divorcees--who result from over 50% of marriages--didn't like each other in the first place, before they got married?)
This article expresses my thoughts pretty well, a lot better than I can--http://www.fortifyingthefamily.com/betrothal.htm
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#29
Aug 2, 2009
24,580
4,268
113
#29
thimsrebma said:
Thats exactly what I do.
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But you're still young and full of hope. I'm the washed up, beat up old rag doll in the corner that no one wants to play with. (and no, I do not need any hugs, people! pity-hugs are not my thing.)
 
T

thimsrebma

Guest
#30
#30
zeroturbulence said:
But you're still young and full of hope. I'm the washed up, beat up old rag doll in the corner that no one wants to play with. (and no, I do not need any hugs, people! pity-hugs are not my thing.)
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dont you know 45 is the new 25?
 
R

Red_Oak_Title

Guest
#32
#32
I had a friend who was interested in me but her lifestyle (which I made obvious) was really different from mine. I was glad being just friends and anymore closeness would have ruined a happy friendship.

She ended up pregnant & the dad was incarcerated, she clarified, in case I was still interested :D poor girl. I seriously tried to help but she was happy in her world.

You need to be friends with someone before you consider dating & if I see any type of chance that the relationship could end prematurely before it even starts why bother? Also remember relationships have arguments eventually & its part of growing together so respect of space is necessary before & during relationships.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#33
#33
1still_waters said:
Then when things aren't reciprocated, the friendship may end or may become awkward quote]

Exactly...and that would be so uncool...

Guess it's like everything else. God will take care of it in His time.
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N

NukePooch

Guest
#34
#34
Red_Oak_Title said:
I had a friend who was interested in me but her lifestyle (which I made obvious) was really different from mine. I was glad being just friends and anymore closeness would have ruined a happy friendship.

She ended up pregnant & the dad was incarcerated, she clarified, in case I was still interested :D poor girl. I seriously tried to help but she was happy in her world.

You need to be friends with someone before you consider dating & if I see any type of chance that the relationship could end prematurely before it even starts why bother? Also remember relationships have arguments eventually & its part of growing together so respect of space is necessary before & during relationships.
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Wow...I had two friendships like that, both I turned down because we were on different levels...One ended up pregnant out of wedlock (twice), the other bisexual with herpes.

I don't think I could handle dating a stranger...my friends are strange enough.
 
T

thimsrebma

Guest
#35
#35
NukePooch said:
Wow...I had two friendships like that, both I turned down because we were on different levels...One ended up pregnant out of wedlock (twice), the other bisexual with herpes.

I don't think I could handle dating a stranger...my friends are strange enough.
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You have a pretty interesting life. The most interesting thing that ever happens to me is the dog gets out of the gate or into the flower pot.

 
F

FireWire

Guest
#36
#36
I just don't date and keep the shields up on a rotating modulation frequency. Current shield integrity is 100% =D
 
N

NukePooch

Guest
#39
#39
FireWire said:
I just don't date and keep the shields up on a rotating modulation frequency. Current shield integrity is 100% =D
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Good strategy. Always keep em guessing.
 
N

NukePooch

Guest
#40
#40
thimsrebma said:
You have a pretty interesting life. The most interesting thing that ever happens to me is the dog gets out of the gate or into the flower pot.

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I used to have a Cocker Spaniel. It was the only dog I knew who would end up with more food on its ears than in its mouth...
 
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