Catch 22

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J

Jullianna

Guest
#1
#1
If you are one of those people who is really not into dating total strangers and you like to get to know someone as a friend first, how do you get past being afraid to become interested in them as more than a friend for fear that it might not work out ...and then you might lose a great friend?

I'm one of those people who hates to be at odds with anyone, even an ex-bf. If things don't work out, they just don't work out. Doesn't mean it's anyone's fault necessarily (unless they're abusive, a cheater, etc.), right? Just means you aren't compatible.

So how do you handle that? Especially if it's someone you may see everyday, online or off? Anyone???

This might sound goofy to some folks, but for me it may be the biggest reason I'm still single :)
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#2
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#2
Awe... Hmm... I almost want to say its almost a mutual thing.

It seems rather counter intuitive but by not investing too much emotionally before starting you might save yourself in the end. If you have a friendship to default back it, that really helps.

As someone who dates and is willing to be friends and perhaps re-date, I'm not a huge fan of burning bridges unless they cheated or something.
 
N

NukePooch

Guest
#3
#3
If you're looking at someone in particular, and thinking there might be something more than friendship there, then it might be difficult to impossible to 'just be friends'... Those kinds of feelings tend to not be something you can turn on and turn off.

Yeah, you might lose a friend, but if you're mind is already past that point, you've probably already lost them, so to speak. Once you get to that point, I think the relationship has already changed.
So, you either close out everyone and every possibility of loving someone, or you take the chance and possibly lose a friend. Your move. You either face the fear or get beaten by it.

Personally, though, I'd rather date a friend with the possibility of losing them than to date a stranger. If I want to date a friend, it means they're definitely what I look for in a woman, as well as they've shown they can put up with my oddities...so it seems to be a better chance that the relationship will work. With a stranger, well, I could develop feelings for her, THEN find out she is totally wrong for me.
 
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NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#4
#4
Both sides has its ups and downs. You date a stranger, you get a chance to meet someone new and perhaps become friends with them, you date a stranger and they take you to a back ally way and kill you

You date a friend and your comfortable with each other and you can be more at ease during your date. You date a friend, he kisses you, you dump him he writes all over facebook how your breath stinks...
 
N

NukePooch

Guest
#5
#5
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
Both sides has its ups and downs. You date a stranger, you get a chance to meet someone new and perhaps become friends with them, you date a stranger and they take you to a back ally way and kill you

You date a friend and your comfortable with each other and you can be more at ease during your date. You date a friend, he kisses you, you dump him he writes all over facebook how your breath stinks...
Click to expand...

...speaking of personal experience, are we? Something you need to get off of your chest? If you just lay back on the couch and relax, I've just got a couple of inkblots I'd like you to look at...now tell me what you see...
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#6
#6
NukePooch said:
...speaking of personal experience, are we? Something you need to get off of your chest? If you just lay back on the couch and relax, I've just got a couple of inkblots I'd like you to look at...now tell me what you see...
Click to expand...

As soon as i pushed Submit Reply, i knew you were gonna say exactly that.


Anyways... Im not cool enough to have someone write all over facebook that my breath stinks.. maybe i should just write it on there myself.
 
N

NukePooch

Guest
#7
#7
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
As soon as i pushed Submit Reply, i knew you were gonna say exactly that.


Anyways... Im not cool enough to have someone write all over facebook that my breath stinks.. maybe i should just write it on there myself.
Click to expand...

ohh, now that's just mean. You sayin I'm predictable?
 
N

NukePooch

Guest
#9
#9
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
noooooooooooo im not SAAAAAAAYING anything.. :D
Click to expand...
Yeah, well, strawberry.
You like that?

How about Indonesia. Didn't know I was gonna say that one, did ya?

Kumquat?
Polar icecaps?
Candlewick?
Big loud yawn? (actually just did this one...think it's naptime)
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#10
#10
NukePooch said:
Yeah, well, strawberry.
You like that?

How about Indonesia. Didn't know I was gonna say that one, did ya?

Kumquat?
Polar icecaps?
Candlewick?
Big loud yawn? (actually just did this one...think it's naptime)
Click to expand...

you are the most unpredictable person EVER

does that help? :D
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#11
May 23, 2009
14,943
4,586
113
#11
You know, Nod really does have an excellent point that really is an added woe to dating--good old Facebook.

For right now, I refuse to get on Facebook but had heard that the blind date I went out with last year (set up by Christian friends) had immediately gone home and wrote on his page that he "just had lunch with a really nice girl."

Call me old-fashioned but I like to control what I say about my life--if I choose to say it, ok, if someone else wants to talk about what I did, well... I'm not as comfortable with that, especially if it's broadcasted over the internet. But, I know that obviously can't be helped. He apparently did not, however, write that when he asked for another date, I told him no thank you, and I flat-out told him I just thought it was completely inappropriate that he had sat there on the first blind date and told me about his (assumedly former!?) sex life with his ex-wife (and hinted, not subtly, that he'd love to pick up with me where they left off.)

I heard he erased his little sentence about going out with me at all... but to me, he shouldn't have said anything in the first place.

You raise some great question, Jullianna, and sometimes, I wonder if there's any hope at all!! I get a bit paranoid and am afraid to like, approach, or talk to anyone most of the time because of things like this! Some people can't take no for an answer, and some people can't stop saying yes... you never know what could happen, and while I know you need to take risks, it's hard to gauge how much risk you should take.
 
N

NukePooch

Guest
#13
#13
seoulsearch said:
You know, Nod really does have an excellent point that really is an added woe to dating--good old Facebook.

For right now, I refuse to get on Facebook but had heard that the blind date I went out with last year (set up by Christian friends) had immediately gone home and wrote on his page that he "just had lunch with a really nice girl."

Call me old-fashioned but I like to control what I say about my life--if I choose to say it, ok, if someone else wants to talk about what I did, well... I'm not as comfortable with that, especially if it's broadcasted over the internet. But, I know that obviously can't be helped. He apparently did not, however, write that when he asked for another date, I told him no thank you, and I flat-out told him I just thought it was completely inappropriate that he had sat there on the first blind date and told me about his (assumedly former!?) sex life with his ex-wife (and hinted, not subtly, that he'd love to pick up with me where they left off.)
Click to expand...
Wow. What a winner. Did he drive an El Camino? How long was his mullet?

I have never gotten much of the social medias. Okay, so I'll get on here and yak, but y'all generally don't know what goes on with me personally unless you ask. (ask, and I'll tell you, but I'm generally not one to volunteer.) It amazes me that people post private stuff, then are surprised when it goes public.

A co-worker went to Vegas (might have already shared this story) and won some money playing roulette. He went directly from the Detroit airport to the Mercedes dealer and put a down payment on a nice Mercedes. Wife took a pic of him posing by the car, then posted it on Facebook, before they even left the dealer...So, the office folk at my shop came out talking about it on Friday and the following Monday, co-worker is shocked that everyone knew about the new car, because he was 'trying to keep it quiet'. Well then, don't put it on Facebook!

I also read where people will post about going on vacation, and then are surprised when they get back that their house was robbed. Makes no sense to me.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#14
#14
Thanks a bunch, y'all. I was driving home just now thinking about this. I guess when you are a woman who married at an extremely young age, spending your life working in professions with mostly men, your mindset is that they are all "just friends/co-workers", you know? It takes time to change that mindset after 15+ years I guess. :)
 
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NukePooch

Guest
#15
#15
Jullianna said:
I guess when you are a woman who married at an extremely young age, spending your life working in professions with mostly men, your mindset is that they are all "just friends/co-workers", you know?
Click to expand...
I know I was in the same situation, and it took me some time...and yes, I was a woman who married at an extremely young age... I'm much better now.
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#16
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#16
NukePooch said:
I know I was in the same situation, and it took me some time...and yes, I was a woman who married at an extremely young age... I'm much better now.
Click to expand...
When I was a little girl... we never talked about such things.


Actually, I tend to let Facebook go when I date. It will still be there when it becomes a more serious relationship and My date and I can present a more united front against our friends. A little silence never killed anyone (except us of course when Seoul left).

Besides, Facebook is just another Forum.

And SeoulSearch, I'm sad that you've had so many bad experiences. I suppose I'm not much for comparing old relationships because I've never had two relationships that were anything alike. I haven't found patterns or trends. The women and girls have all had strengths and weaknesses unique to themselves.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#17
#17
Maybe if I spent more time with my head under the hood it would speed the process along, huh? :) Gotta go. Auto Zone beckons...NOT :)
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#18
#18
I've only been on facebook for a few months, so we'll see how it goes. I'm taking notes :)
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#19
#19
Liamson said:
When I was a little girl... we never talked about such things.


didn't you just LOVE jumping out of the swings and using your dress as a parachute????!!!
Click to expand...
 
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