random midnight ponderings...

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
J

Jullianna

Guest
#1
I've been sitting here for quite some time tonight reading through all of these threads. I've typed several lengthy responses to some, but keep arrowing back and moving on to another thread...

We all share our thoughts here about the sorts of relationships we want/don't want, the sort of person we'd like to be with, the sort of person we'd like to be for the type of person we want to be with, and so on...but I find myself wondering how that will ever matter if we don't get the opportunity to truly know someone we might be interested in or for them to know us...

Seems like the guys in these threads are frustrated because they are expected to make the first move, pursue a lady they are interested in (that is, if the polls are a true reflection of our views), and basically try to figure out how to read our minds...

The ladies are frustrated because they want to be godly women, but society, and sometimes the men in the threads, tell us that we need to be something different if we don't want to be alone...

It's all so confusing and overwhelming sometimes. You see a guy you like, but you can't say so because it would be unladylike and aggressive. You want to compliment him, but you're afraid that he'll take it the wrong way, so you just don't say anything. You're very friendly with guys you consider just friends, but aren't quite sure what to say to the one you really like. You want to PM him or initiate a conversation with him, but that might be too bold. Then you think maybe he's talking with someone else or working on something and you'll be interrupting. Then you think he's probably not interested in you anyway. Sooooooooo...in your shyness, you just quietly go your way, and he's probably thinking you're wierd and stuck up. :)

Forgive my random ponderings. It's the middle of the night. :) As I read back through this, I'm tempted to dump it too, but I'm posting it anyway. I'll probably regret it in the morning, but I have a feeling I'm not the only one who feels this way...
 
T

thimsrebma

Guest
#2
I very much agree. Before the Christian Chat Crash 2011, I had a thread about what we all could possibly be doing wrong or what we could be doing instead of... I think we need to take more of an active approach to "waiting on the Lord" for this blessing. I personally believe there are just too many of us out there at all ages who are single and want some. I don't think God has called us all to be single especially because so many of us have the intense desire for companionship.

So what are we doing wrong. Maybe thats a new thread. we currently have one about Godly attributes in a mate, attributes we possess, but what about our shortcomings. I think we need to admit those too. Once we admit it we can allow God to chnge those things that need chnging. And many times God works thru others to help us change. That means we should be using each other as a support system in this aspect.
 
L

lordsservant121

Guest
#3
I agree with both you ladies but if finding the "One" was easy then the divorce rate would be lower. You have to put yourself out there and see what they think of you and you of them. You can pray all you want and ask for the GOD-ly man or woman but to many people lie to suit there own needs. I know of guys who are believers, who try to get a lady to think they are sensitive or more emotional than they are because being themselves hasn't worked. I feel for them. I tried to explain that if you are filled with the love of GOD, you are never alone. I also realized that I have been married and in relationship for years with people, where they haven't so I have no right to say what works or doesn't. If you or me or any of us are destined to be alone, is that a bad thing? Do we know better than GOD what we need? It comes down to having faith and patience, which the bible tells us is important. The good thing is the good ones are always taken when the guys start to notice. GOD bless.
 
F

FireWire

Guest
#4
Women certainly need to both acknowledge and address their shortcomings. I've met very few women who actually know they have flaws. They're likely to be too self-absorbed to realise this.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#5
Women certainly need to both acknowledge and address their shortcomings. I've met very few women who actually know they have flaws. They're likely to be too self-absorbed to realise this.

Hmm. Interesting.

I was just curious as to whether or not you believe it's mostly women's faults that relationships go wrong or aren't started at all, since you didn't mention anything about men in your post... Just an observation.

And, for the record, not all women believe they are flawless. At least, I certainly know I'm not. :)
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#6
Great thread, Jullianna, and why does it seem like there are never any easy answers?! :)

I'm usually not shy if I really like someone because it's kind of rare that I find someone I feel a real connection with and as if I could trust with my heart, but as I wrote in another thread, I do look for signs that he likes me back. I have no problem initiating conversation, and if it's someone I'm only interested in as a friend, I will tell him that. But if by some chance I happen to be interested in him, I look at how he responds to my tries... and if his communication back to me is very brief, I take that as a sign that he's not interested. I think in the time I've been on CC (about 2 years), there have been maybe 2 guys (at completely different times) that I was attracted to and considered mentioning something but I'm sure it didn't work out for a reason.

The other problem is that I don't want to look like a "serial stalker" either! ;) I've known a really nice guy for a very long time and he really wants a girlfriend... so he's asked out every available single girl from church... and it's a very small church so ALL of these girls know and/or are friends with each other. He was telling me about going to dinner in a group last week but that he couldn't get any of these single girls (he'd already asked out two of them at various times before, and more than one time each) to talk to him. It's not that he's not sincere, it's just that he develops an interest in any girl who might be a possible candidate as a girlfriend. He also loves kids, so if the woman is a single mom, he sees that as a bonus.

I'm not sure how to tell him though that no woman is flattered by the thought of being asked out by someone who is known to ask out everyone... and I'm sure you gentlemen out there would feel the same way. So... I usually find myself hesitating.

I mean, I can just see all the email going on here: "Dude, Seoulsearch just asked me out." "Dude, she just asked me out last month!!!" "Dude, I have her number, too... we'd better warn all the guys here to stay as far away as possible..."

I certainly would not want to develop a "reputation" and I certainly would not want this to be what people say about me!
 

Liamson

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#7
I'm not sure how to tell him though that no woman is flattered by the thought of being asked out by someone who is known to ask out everyone... and I'm sure you gentlemen out there would feel the same way. So... I usually find myself hesitating.

I mean, I can just see all the email going on here: "Dude, Seoulsearch just asked me out." "Dude, she just asked me out last month!!!" "Dude, I have her number, too... we'd better warn all the guys here to stay as far away as possible..."

I certainly would not want to develop a "reputation" and I certainly would not want this to be what people say about me!

I know how that feels to be wary of someone for being friendly with everyone. There are things that I suppose he/me/you can do to date without dating. If a church has a time to chill and just be yourself away from the atrium next to the congregation then that would a good place to get to know someone without dating them, Like a Bible study or something.

Then again, a lot of churches have a men's Bible study and a Women' Bible study, I always thought that was a mistake.

I guess, what kind of kills me is that its like we are all each other's victims. Part of me wants to just let CC go for a while. Not that there are people that I don't like or people that I'm not interested in but, it almost feels like people spend too much time feeling sorry for themselves. That in and of itself isn't bad but, if I was looking for someone to have and to hold, are they suppose to feel sorry all the time for me too?

When I meet someone online or not, I want to feel inspired by their heart. I want to see their dreams and help them realize the potential that they hold inside. I want to feel like there is a dream that we can share and build together. I want to believe in something larger than either of us, deeper and more than just raising children. I want to find someone who makes me a better man. Someone who keeps me accountable someone to grow with so that together we are so much more than we were before.

To some degree or another everyone likes someone but sometimes that feeling can be inappropriate. And its times like these that it is best to admit that as much as I want to say something, it won't help anyone. Knowing that in spite of all that we have in common we are not right for each other can be difficult.
 
R

R12NDS

Guest
#8
I agree with the original post completely. There is definitely confusion from both parties around expectations and perception of another's approach, or lack of it! How do we solve it? I really have no idea, but I can certainly associate with wanting to approach female's who appear 'superior' and 'dis-interested', whilst being left wondering if they actually wanted me to say "hello"...especially after your female friend nudges you and says, "She liked you!" tee hee. Why can't men see through the awkwardness and why can't women be comfortable enough to make the first move? As my Mum would say, "bang their heads together!" lol.

Anyway, probably haven't helped much, but at least I have made my first post!
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#9
Seoulsearch, I wish I could be more like you in so many ways. I think you're awesome in your boldness. LOL I can't tell you how many times I've had guys laugh and tell me they thought I was stuck up before they really got to know me, because I'm so quiet much of the time. I used to be incredibly shy, but I have come out of it a bit over the years. Still hits me sometimes though. :) Even in chatrooms, most of the time I'm completely content to just sit and listen to/read what everyone else has to say. :)

Liamson, I think you're right. Sometimes it's good to take breaks from CC. We'd miss you tho! :) I also agree that we can concentrate on some of these things a bit too much (especially in the middle of the night when we can't sleep lol) and it almost sounds whiney. :/ I would imagine that men and women down through the ages have always had these problems and we probably won't solve any of them in a chat forum, huh? I do think we all learn from one another...at least I learn from you all....so, I guess it's not for nothing. :)

We're all works in process and we all have our strengths and weaknesses. I was thinking this morning that sometimes the best move we can make is to simply surrender...surrender all...stop trying to figure some things out. There are better uses of our time and energy. God has a plan for each of us and, as much as I'd like to have things my way and in my time, I think it's best to just let it go. God has shown me so many times in my life that whatever He calls me to surrender to Him, He will replace with something better than I ever imagined. He loves us ALL that way. :)
 
C

Credo_ut_Intelligam

Guest
#10
My own two cents is that some singles might be thinking too much. I started reading Elias Aboujaoude's book "Virtually You: The Dangerous Powers of the E-Personality" a few days ago. At one point he says,

The internet offers an exponential increase in the rate of success for our grand quest… because of the exponential increase of exposure and access it affords us…. A subscriber to Match.com, for example, has access to fifteen million potential matches. For a man looking to meet a woman, the site allows him to specify her geographical location, ethnicity, height range, body type (many gradations from 'slender to 'big and beautiful'), eye color, hair color, religion, education level, languages spoken, job, salary range, marital status, whether she smokes or drinks, whether she has or wants kids, and whether any kids live with her. With such a large pool of candidates to choose from, and such sophisticated tools to help him narrow down his search and zero in on the perfect match, a man is justified in feeling that he can find exactly what he is looking for. His dream of finding that perfect someone--or that perfect anything--is now within reach, or so it seems.​

(60-61. emphasis original.)

Aboujaoude says this can lead to a sense of entitlement for that perfect whatever (house, spouse, ... can-opener). Of course Christian singles might reassure themselves that they don't have such a finicky "mate-blueprint." Perhaps their Christian virtue on "inner beauty" allows them to have looser standards when it comes to things like personal appearance (e.g. eye color). But I wonder if they don't have an equally complex mate-blueprint that has to map onto the person's inner life, both psychological and spiritual (and of course they still have some physical blueprint on top of it). And because they will take a potential relationship very seriously they take the criterion very seriously.

Now there is a lot to be said here on whether the criterion are realistic and justified or not (naturally we all have our reasons for preferring the blueprint we've drawn), but my point is simpler than this. Maybe some of these people are just taking themselves and their singleness too seriously. Maybe they are taking their blueprints too seriously.

In college we had a 6lb jump-rope in the gym. I was never very good at using it because, inevitably, after several successful rotations, I would start to concentrate too much on all of my movements and how bad it would hurt if the rope were to smack me in the back of the head... and almost immediately it would do just that. Some tasks are easier to accomplish when we aren't focused on all the parts of the process. And maybe it would be easier for some singles if they didn't approach a date with an over-analyzed "philosophy of singleness," complete with blueprint and checklist.

These are just some incomplete thoughts that came to mind when glancing over this thread and I haven't read all of it so I apologize if it's irrelevant or doesn't make much sense... or is just plain wrong.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#11
My own two cents is that some singles might be thinking too much. I started reading Elias Aboujaoude's book "Virtually You: The Dangerous Powers of the E-Personality" a few days ago. At one point he says,
The internet offers an exponential increase in the rate of success for our grand quest… because of the exponential increase of exposure and access it affords us…. A subscriber to Match.com, for example, has access to fifteen million potential matches. For a man looking to meet a woman, the site allows him to specify her geographical location, ethnicity, height range, body type (many gradations from 'slender to 'big and beautiful'), eye color, hair color, religion, education level, languages spoken, job, salary range, marital status, whether she smokes or drinks, whether she has or wants kids, and whether any kids live with her. With such a large pool of candidates to choose from, and such sophisticated tools to help him narrow down his search and zero in on the perfect match, a man is justified in feeling that he can find exactly what he is looking for. His dream of finding that perfect someone--or that perfect anything--is now within reach, or so it seems.
(60-61. emphasis original.)

Aboujaoude says this can lead to a sense of entitlement for that perfect whatever (house, spouse, ... can-opener). Of course Christian singles might reassure themselves that they don't have such a finicky "mate-blueprint." Perhaps their Christian virtue on "inner beauty" allows them to have looser standards when it comes to things like personal appearance (e.g. eye color). But I wonder if they don't have an equally complex mate-blueprint that has to map onto the person's inner life, both psychological and spiritual (and of course they still have some physical blueprint on top of it). And because they will take a potential relationship very seriously they take the criterion very seriously.

Now there is a lot to be said here on whether the criterion are realistic and justified or not (naturally we all have our reasons for preferring the blueprint we've drawn), but my point is simpler than this. Maybe some of these people are just taking themselves and their singleness too seriously. Maybe they are taking their blueprints too seriously.

In college we had a 6lb jump-rope in the gym. I was never very good at using it because, inevitably, after several successful rotations, I would start to concentrate too much on all of my movements and how bad it would hurt if the rope were to smack me in the back of the head... and almost immediately it would do just that. Some tasks are easier to accomplish when we aren't focused on all the parts of the process. And maybe it would be easier for some singles if they didn't approach a date with an over-analyzed "philosophy of singleness," complete with blueprint and checklist.

These are just some incomplete thoughts that came to mind when glancing over this thread and I haven't read all of it so I apologize if it's irrelevant or doesn't make much sense... or is just plain wrong.
I had to smile when I read the first few lines of your post. While you were typing this, I was typing in a new thread ("I surrender..") and said pretty much the same thing...we spend way too much time thinking about this stuff sometimes...and I really think it stunts our growth. :) I don't want to do that anymore.
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#12
I have been running for about 11 or 12 years now. My day revolves around when im going to run. My goal is to run 26.2 miles in three hours. I wanna qualify for the boston marathon, and then do that one in less than three hours. Everything i eat that day is in total pursuit of this goal. I have to know exactly what to eat before and after i run to help my muscles heal quickly and have a better recovery time. Where i run, what time i run, my running pace, its all for this dream i have. And i will do whatever it is i have to do to make it happen. However everyday i want to give up. It's to hard, I'll never be able to do it, I should just quit now. Without a doubt every morning its holly vs holly. When that alarm goes off i look at the time and just groan thinking about having to get out there. I have to say though, when my shoes hit that pavement and left after right my stride becomes that rhythem, thats when it all comes together and i know exactly why im doing this.

Do you understand what im getting at here?

If your single and you want to find someone, go and do it. If you get rejected by one guy or one girl, brush it off. Everyones different, nobodys gonna like the same thing.If your goal is to eventually get married, do what you have to do to be ready for this man or woman god gives you. Go out and find him or her. Now im not talkin about what seoulsearch mentioned, ask out every girl or guy you see. Its all about quality, and its gonna be hard to find that person. Dating and Marriage is just like working up to that marathon. It is continual work. You cant just get out of bed one day and not ''feel'' like putting in the effort.



And i personally say NO internet relationships. People are so flippin fake. You never know if your talkin to some hot guy or girl or an old man typing with his toes wearing a diaper. ... Think about it... ;)
 

Descyple

Senior Member
Jun 7, 2010
3,023
48
48
#13
"And i personally say NO internet relationships. People are so flippin fake. You never know if your talkin to some hot guy or girl or an old man typing with his toes wearing a diaper"


I'll admit I wear diapers, but I am not old yet, Holly!!! - lol.
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#14
"And i personally say NO internet relationships. People are so flippin fake. You never know if your talkin to some hot guy or girl or an old man typing with his toes wearing a diaper"


I'll admit I wear diapers, but I am not old yet, Holly!!! - lol.


I realize you wear diapers matthew, remember im the one that suggested them for that little... um problem you were having! ;)

Glad its all under control now :D
 

Descyple

Senior Member
Jun 7, 2010
3,023
48
48
#15
Holly, I wish you would have suggested "pull-ups", I am not very coordinated, ya know!!!
 
R

Renewedheart

Guest
#16
I've meet the most amazing girl on here.. but yeah.. online.. but still better than what ive come across IRL! :|
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#17
Nod, I enjoyed reading about your training. That's so cool! I do agree with you. I think that some people here are ready for marriage, etc., and I want that for them. :) They'll make great spouses/parents.

I'll probably want that again at some point, but I realize now that I was wanting it for the wrong reason - the expectation of others. I was blessed with it once, but now it's gone. It's a big ole world out there and I can't help wondering if I shouldn't be wanting more...and doing more..
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#18
And i personally say NO internet relationships. People are so flippin fake. You never know if your talkin to some hot guy or girl or an old man typing with his toes wearing a diaper. ... Think about it... ;)
Aw crud, Nod--you totally called me out!! It takes a LOT of work to sound like a ticked-off Asian girl all the time instead of a 70-year-old man typing with my (LEFT) toes (only, thank you!!) Doggone for smart, hot young ladies like you who see through our disguises!!!!

By the way, wanna start an internet relationship???!!! :D

Jullianna--oh, you wouldn't want to be like me--I am very much like Peter: one minute I'm brazen and shameless, the next minute, I slink back to my little time-out corner (sometimes self-imposed!) :D

I wanted to mention that in regards to what I was talking about (knowing a guy who asked out everyone)--I had that happen here about a year ago as well. I'm not in chat very often but met a guy I thought was nice... he seemed very interested... and seemed like someone who would at least be a good friend. Well, there are a few people I talk to regularly here and one of the girls I talk to was like, "Yeah, there's this guy (I didn't even MENTION anything to her!) and he asks out everyone in chat..."

And it was him. I didn't say anything to him. But the next time we talked, he was very cold and dismissive. I figured he must have met another candidate in chat, so that was that. BUT, I do know some people who met someone on the 'net and it all worked out... so... never say never is all I can say.

Oh, and Jullianna--believe it or not :), I'm very quiet around people I don't know too and have often been accused of being a snob. I have often been told, "Wow, when I first met you, I thought you were a real witch," because I like to sit back and observe for a while before I try to hop into a conversation. Plus, I'm much more task-oriented than people-oriented so it takes me a while to really get to know someone... but when I do, it's a wrap! :)
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#19
I wish you lived close, seoulsearch. We'd have a blast! I'm quiet until I know people and I sooooooooo love my quiet time (like now), but I can get a lil rowdy among friends. ;)