Too much time together?

[hikerki]

I have an apartment with two other girls who are also Christians. One of the girls is engaged to a guy who lives in the downstairs apartment of the house. He is up here all the time. My other roommate and I talked to her in September and asked for him to have a time where he goes downstairs at night (1:00am, although he ignores that) and does not come up until 8:30am. They go to sleep together every night, and spend every waking moment together. Friends have girls nights or guys nights, but neither of them go because they would not be together. My other roommate and I wanted to have a time where the three of us talked, had fun, and hung out together without her fiancé. She said, “Good luck with that.” We are both discouraged about this and think that they need to spend time with others...keep their friendships they had before they were engaged. Obviously, it is good they like to be together, but is there some sort of balance?

Do you think it is healthy for a couple to spend all their time together and not hang out with other people around them? Also, what are your thoughts about suggesting that he leaves when she goes to sleep instead of him going to sleep with her?

 

[Jullianna]

A couple can absolutely spend too much time together and the relationship can burn out. They need other friends and other interests, time away from one another. Balance is extremely important. At some point, one of them will feel suffocated. Been there, and I hated it.

I worry too about him sleeping over. That's a lot of temptation for a christian couple to be putting themselves through night after night, and it's disrespectful to her christian roommates.

 

[malkia]

I think there should be a balance....it looks like an infatuation to me than LOVE, i also think they are obssessed with whatever they do together and with time they will start getting bored....just pray for them,hopefully they will learn the importance of balancing relationship and friendships soon!

 

[zeroturbulence]

I have an apartment with two other girls who are also Christians. One of the girls is engaged to a guy who lives in the downstairs apartment of the house. He is up here all the time. My other roommate and I talked to her in September and asked for him to have a time where he goes downstairs at night (1:00am, although he ignores that) and does not come up until 8:30am. They go to sleep together every night, and spend every waking moment together. Friends have girls nights or guys nights, but neither of them go because they would not be together. My other roommate and I wanted to have a time where the three of us talked, had fun, and hung out together without her fiancé. She said, “Good luck with that.” We are both discouraged about this and think that they need to spend time with others...keep their friendships they had before they were engaged. Obviously, it is good they like to be together, but is there some sort of balance?

Do you think it is healthy for a couple to spend all their time together and not hang out with other people around them? Also, what are your thoughts about suggesting that he leaves when she goes to sleep instead of him going to sleep with her?

The bigger question here is why is she engaged to a guy who does not have his own place?

 

[Jullianna]

Zero, I love it that you always cut to the chase

 

[malkia]

The bigger question here is why is she engaged to a guy who does not have his own place?

does that mean we should not be engaged to guys who do not have their own places??? don't they need to be loved too?

 

[zeroturbulence]

does that mean we should not be engaged to guys who do not have their own places??? don't they need to be loved too?

Loved, yes, but is a man without a place really prepared to support a wife and a family?

 

[zeroturbulence]

Zero, I love it that you always cut to the chase

Thanks, Julianna. I will not let that go to my head. I will not!

 

[hikerki]

Julianna, she has mentioned how bad the temptation is...that is why the decided to get married a year sooner than they originally talked about. It blows my mind why they put themselves in the situation every night where the temptation is right there.

Zero, there are many things that cause me to wonder why she is engaged to him. I like him & think he is a great guy, but he is not mature or spiritually assertive He does have a place with 2 other guys I am friends with (and feel the same way about the relationship as my other roommate and I), he just doesn't live in it.

 

[Phoebzter]

I call the fact that they can't be apart from each other codependence. No, that's never healthy.

 

[Sevndust]

I experienced a very similar set of circumstances while living with 2 roommates in college. Needless to say, their relationship fizzled. I think it is very important for everyone to have lives outside of their own intimate relationships. We all need to do our own thing. Solitude in doses as well as just hanging out with friends really does go a long way.

 

[Liamson]

Yes and No, it depends

In all honesty I've been in what people would consider a temptation filled codependent relationship and it was amazing. But I've been in relationships where much time and space were needed to decompress.

Some people don't have the mechanisms/habits/behaviors to deal with someone involved in every aspect of their lives. Some people NEED a girls/guys night, whether its Monday night football or a Wine tasting Tupperware party, people are different. Some people are just a couple hours a week together and no more.

I think your ability to cope and deal with sharing a life all boils down to the level/extent/depth of communication and how many defense mechanisms/insecurities exist between you. Some people just click with an understanding that goes beyond words and rules into a place of being always welcome. Where the needs/concerns/thoughts/fears of one person are shared by both. Where being together is like having a cellphone. Their sensitivities become your hard points and yours theirs. They would defend you first before the world and you would give your life not to lose them.

But in order to get there, you have to be ready for that. You have to be willing to grow through anything.

If you are not ready for that. Insist on having space and time because growing together is a process and strangers rarely meet and sync well.

PS> Its never OKAY to Sleep together before Marriage.

 

[GreenNnice]

If you are always spending time with fiance is that bad if its God's plan for your life. Now tho, if they are sleeping together before marriage, ai can say with just about absolute certainty that God would never condone that kind or relationship. Bible is clear as see-through waters on that subject.

 

[1still_waters]

The two marriages i know of, that lasted over 30 years each and ended by death do us part, both of them had couples where they enjoyed their time apart from each other for hours a day.

In one of them the husband worked all day, came home, plopped in bed and watched tv, then watched tv all weekend, or would go in his basement and putz around. The wife would do her household duties then hang out with girl friends on the weekend.

In the other one, the husband would do fishing and other nature stuff and the wife would read books and do whatever on her own.

Marriage seems like clothes in the dryer after doing wash. They both come out best when there is no clinging.