Save dating for marriage.

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1

1still_waters

Guest
#1
#1
Dating should not happen outside the context of marriage.

I'm not stating this as a moral claim. I'm not stating it as a self-righteous, protect myself from ever being emotionally scarred claim.

Rather, I'm simply saying this as a pragmatic, take the load off your shoulders claim.

When you're going on a date, it seems like the majority of it is about putting your best foot forward, putting on a certain front and to a major extent, trying to impress someone. Little of it has to do with getting to know what is going on inside the persons head. Little of it has to do with seeing if you can do mundane every day stuff together while keeping your whits. Cuz isn't that kinda what marriage is?

In other words, dates/dating is low on reality and high on putting up a front and very high on pressure and stress! Not exactly the best context for finding a mate.

So what's the alternative?

No not courtship.

No not arranged marriages.

The alternative involves putting yourself in social settings and establishing relationships, in a context where you're simply being yourself. I know this sounds a lot like some popular Christian dating books, but the difference is, I'm suggesting this out of pragmatism, not out of some self-absorbed, self righteous moral plea.

Hey if you're putting yourself out there around people, being yourself, chances are someone will eventually see the real you and then the sparks will fly and bah dah boom! Bah dah bing. Here comes the bride!

Now once you're married, and your significant other is well familiar with the REAL YOU, and is putting up with all the ISSUES that involves dealing with YOU, then and only then should you suggest that you both dress up, go out for a night on the town as an escape from the reality that is the REAL YOU!

Cuz at that point, your significant other deserves a break from the real you, and deserves a night out where you're on good behavior and you can enjoy yourselves!

This is why dating should be saved for marriage.
 
K

karine___

Guest
#2
#2
i agree and i think dating before marriage only brings temptation to sin , even if one has a lot of self-control
 
P

Psalm2713

Guest
#3
#3
I agree... I have kissed Dating Goodbye and I would definately recommend it for all teens .... I can't say anymore than that because that's where my experience end... Thanks Stillwater
 
T

thimsrebma

Guest
#4
#4
I agree with putting yourself in social situations where you can meet different people and thus maximizing the potential for finding a mate. But once you have done all of that and truely get to know someone on a friendship level, do you all only hang out with other people all the time? For me no. I need to see more than that.

There are things that you need to know about someone before marrying them, its easy to hide the deep stuff when you are just with a group of people hanging out. There are things you talk about on a more personal level when yo0u date. Maybe past abuses or hurts, things they wouldnt share with anyone else and just spending time with each other.When you finally get married it will be the two of you, not the two of you and 4 other frineds. You gotta know who you are marrying.
 
C

contemplative

Banned
#5
Jan 21, 2011
148
2
0
#5
Matthew4Jesus said:
Wait a sec... maybe I have missed a point or I am totally misunderstanding but... Surely you need to date/go out in order to get to know one another in the first place? o_O
Click to expand...
You really don't know somebody until you've seen how they put the forks into the dishwasher, how they react to being sick, how fair they are in disagreements or fights, how they deal with their family, etc. Years into a marriage, you'll still be learning about your spouse. None of this, traditionally, is brought up during a date unless you want it to end quickly, but this is the stuff that matters.

...well, the forks not so much.

Dates are about making sure the other person isn't a monster and can act appropriately in social situations. It's a screening process at best. It doesn't introduce you to the real person by any means. Like 1still_waters says, it's easy to put a mask on during dates.

This is why it's good to let a relationship grow up organically from among people you interact with in other situations. I get to see how my coworkers and friends deal with difficulties, for instance, but they would hide these if we were on a date. I know the people around me (whom I'm not trying to date) better than I would if I dragged any single one of them into a restaurant and expressed romantic interest.

I'm not saying don't date or reserve dates for marriage, because I think they play a necessary role, but I think it's good to go into them with a different mindset. I've had conversations with extremely lonely singles on this board who can talk about nothing else; their life is on hold until they get a date. In the first five minutes of talking with some people, I'm exposed to their laments. Dating is really not the way to find that satisfying relationship, even if it's a good way to make sure that Mr. X can chew his food properly.
 
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L

Liz01

Guest
#6
#6
I agree with you 1still_waters, i really think now in this moment of my life that the best relationship before a marriage is a best friend and not a date or boyfriend.
I think that we should know that someone as friend and in a natural environment without pressure that comes with a date and i think too that we need to know how this person behave with other ppl in a group of friends.
And save the dating thing for the marriage.
 
N

nanabean

Guest
#7
#7
Why is there a quote from a post not even posted on this thread??
 
C

contemplative

Banned
#11
Jan 21, 2011
148
2
0
#11
I just checked, yup. If it's a very recent post and nobody else has responded, you can choose to delete it.
 
N

nanabean

Guest
#12
#12
ahhh ok! Thank you!!
 
G

GreenNnice

Guest
#13
#13
The Wonder Years...now THAT is how it should go. Well, I guess, didn't Arnold and Winnie break up show's final episode after 10 years of shows?

Anyway, good words, I agree, dating is scary, at best, and, just going to singles groups at church is a MUCH better way to find someone. The Lord leads.

And, on that note, I have read book Passion & Purity cover to cover (twice). Excellent ! Tells Elizabeth Elliott's story, in her own words, of following God for the love of her life, with patience , extreme patience, as everything falls into place, or not. I want you to read it ;)
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#14
Aug 2, 2009
24,579
4,268
113
#14
So just skip dating and get married? Ok, I'll try that on the next woman I meet. hehe
 
P

Perk

Guest
#15
#15
1still_waters said:
Dating should not happen outside the context of marriage.

I'm not stating this as a moral claim. I'm not stating it as a self-righteous, protect myself from ever being emotionally scarred claim.

Rather, I'm simply saying this as a pragmatic, take the load off your shoulders claim.

When you're going on a date, it seems like the majority of it is about putting your best foot forward, putting on a certain front and to a major extent, trying to impress someone. Little of it has to do with getting to know what is going on inside the persons head. Little of it has to do with seeing if you can do mundane every day stuff together while keeping your whits. Cuz isn't that kinda what marriage is?

In other words, dates/dating is low on reality and high on putting up a front and very high on pressure and stress! Not exactly the best context for finding a mate.

So what's the alternative?

No not courtship.

No not arranged marriages.

The alternative involves putting yourself in social settings and establishing relationships, in a context where you're simply being yourself. I know this sounds a lot like some popular Christian dating books, but the difference is, I'm suggesting this out of pragmatism, not out of some self-absorbed, self righteous moral plea.

Hey if you're putting yourself out there around people, being yourself, chances are someone will eventually see the real you and then the sparks will fly and bah dah boom! Bah dah bing. Here comes the bride!

Now once you're married, and your significant other is well familiar with the REAL YOU, and is putting up with all the ISSUES that involves dealing with YOU, then and only then should you suggest that you both dress up, go out for a night on the town as an escape from the reality that is the REAL YOU!

Cuz at that point, your significant other deserves a break from the real you, and deserves a night out where you're on good behavior and you can enjoy yourselves!

This is why dating should be saved for marriage.
Click to expand...
Hmm. I think I agree 94.3% of what you are saying here stilly. However, there is something to be said about having personal time with your perspective mate outside of a normal social setting. In order to discuss more personal matters, etc. So I would say that during the courting/dating/whatever you wanna call it process can be broken down into 94.3% normal social interactions like you state stilly and 4.7% 'dates' (not to impress, but simply to have alone time... in a pure manner...). The other 1% can be devoted to prayer, studying together, or the morning walk to the bus, I don't care lol. But in all seriousness, everything you are saying here would save people so much time, money, and EMOTIONS!
 
M

MidniteWelder

Guest
#16
#16
It works like a charm Zero, and eliminates the awkwardness she may feel through any those pesky pickup lines being used
lol you crack me up

zeroturbulence said:
So just skip dating and get married? Ok, I'll try that on the next woman I meet. hehe
Click to expand...
 
IDEAtor

IDEAtor

Senior Member
#17
Aug 15, 2012
827
19
18
#17
I love this quote: your significant other deserves a break from the real you...

It is true that 1-to-1 dating can be stressful and/or decieving, but there is a same-yet-different dynamic that occurs in groups, too.
If one of my friends secretly has a crush on my friend whom I am trying to non-date, and he or she is in the same group as the non-date, then
the whole non-dating experience is bound to get awkwarder at some point.

Also, I am more likely to ask my could-be wife for some money in private than in public, in front of the gang. ;)

Seriously, 1Still_waters, thanks for your input. It is good to reflect on and, perhaps, practice.
 
L

Lucy68

Senior Member
#18
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#18
I'm sorry but I disagree :)

How are you supposed to get to know a person without dating? Heaven forbid that a couple who hardly know each should get married.

Yes, there's a certain amount of pretense in dating...isn't that true in most personal interactions? But what you do get to see on a date is how your date treats the waiter/waitress, how does he or she react to other people? Do they have a short fuse? Does he hold the door open for you and for other people? Also, how does he or she treat older people, babies, etc.? This might sound silly but it does say a lot about a person's character.

You can usually tell when people are fake pretty quickly.

An alternative to dating is going out as a group. That really takes the pressure off and gives you a chance to observe your victim...I mean person of interest... without your observation being noticed :) .

If someone asks you out on a date and you don't really want it to be an official date but would still like to get to know this person...you can agree to meet somewhere and go dutch. That definitely sends the message that 'I'm not sure about you as a bf or gf yet'. And get a friend to come along to make it more comfortable.

I know many people like Joshua's Harris idea of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (I think that's the title). But I don't think it's very practical and could lead to some mis-matched marriages. But that's just my opinion :)
 
Ritter

Ritter

Banned
#19
Jul 25, 2005
2,417
34
0
#19
Good postl, though I think I would use different terminology.

What he does is boil it down to the essence of things: love is supposed to be simple and based on pure communication with and enjoyment of the other individual. The dating game as we know it complicates things to an extent to which they do not need to be complicated.

I say this as both a pragmatist and someone who has been burned. What I would do is attempt to change the nature and definition of it to suit a more organic method of relationship building.
 
C

CC_Bride

Guest
#20
#20
Perk said:
Hmm. I think I agree 94.3% of what you are saying here stilly. However, there is something to be said about having personal time with your perspective mate outside of a normal social setting. In order to discuss more personal matters, etc. So I would say that during the courting/dating/whatever you wanna call it process can be broken down into 94.3% normal social interactions like you state stilly and 4.7% 'dates' (not to impress, but simply to have alone time... in a pure manner...). The other 1% can be devoted to prayer, studying together, or the morning walk to the bus, I don't care lol. But in all seriousness, everything you are saying here would save people so much time, money, and EMOTIONS!
Click to expand...
Couldn't have said it better myself. :D
 
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