K
I assume its normal to have alot of thought in your mind but its still so exhausting lately. I'm looking out at the world and it seems 10,000 miles away and tiny off traveling its own course and yet at the same time it's ominous and towering and threatening to crash over me at any second. I order my mind into a calmness where I can face the world one instant at a time but it races away from me. I am climbing and I am falling. I am opening my mouth to scream and no sound will come out and all around me people just walk on by. I can close my eyes and breath deep and smell a living world green all around me and within me but then I open my eyes and it can feel like the world is all a pretty lie and everyone is alone. I think i'm under spiritual attack and it hurts me and its nearly paralyzing to me most of the time. 99% of the time I am able to pray and shrug it off and cast it away and out and bind it back from me with prayer. But then that 1% thats left can spread so thin and become like a thin layer that never quite leaves me at peace. I am having such lonely feelings, and its so hard to express these. I have never been a person to pour out my emotions or share them or ask for opinions on life. However in the last 6 months my world has exploded and been reborn in every way possible and I have cast down so many ols painful walls and broken open whole new world of possibilities in the world and I know there are endless hopes and dreams and possibilities, and as strongly as i know that ans feel that and know the promise of this..... I still feel the attacks and they don't stop and I can still feel so naked and alone against the spiritual attacks. I suspect that even the feeling of defenselessness against the attacks is an aspect of the attacks themselves...?
Anyway. I am in need of opinions and ideas here...
When i was 21 in 1999 I got into a relationship with a woman who had 2 kids. it was my first relationship ever, I basically stepped into the shoes of a husband and father overnight. I was still growing and finding myself and fighting with my own sad childhood without a father. I think that I was so driven to succeed that i would not admit any doubts to myself and i kept everything calm and happy ont he surface. but inside i doubted myself constantly, After 5 years we had a son. and it was like a bright new dawn and in that dawn i KNEW the meaning of life as a father and the promise of life was wonderful and i was beginning to awaken. Another 5 years passed and my son was nearing 5 years old. and i began some kind of internal spiral of anxiety and doubts and fear where all the fears of the past jumped up and attacked me all at once.
During all this time our relationship was in a weird unchanging emotionally unchanging place, we never fought we never were extremely passionate, we had no friends, we never went on vacations or even went out much. we would basically try to have a date night ONLY on our birthdays, and we hid from the world, she was not into the idea of marraige since she was already once divorced, i never pushed it. She eventually settled on us being Engaged so I spent about 8 years as her "fiance"..... but at work she referred to me as her "Partner". little things like this nagged at me deep inside i think. I had been the stay at home parant for about 5 years. the entire second half of our relationship.
Then in the fall of 2008 i rapidly broke down in myself emotionally. My Fiance sensed it and asked me if i was ok and i said i was. but i wasn't i stopped sleeping and fell apart. Luckily I don't smoke or drink or do drugs so there were none of those elements, it was just pure pain at the uncertain aspects of life and the struggle of resolving all the pain from my lonely childhood and trying to make sense of life from the past into the future.
We ended up deciding on a temporary seperation, With no money or resources or a job, i decided i had to just get out of the house and make that break away to find answers. and we both wanted answers. I had a bad weekend while my fiance and son and stepdaughters were away visiting relatives and i knew i had to just make some progress happen. i cried for days and didn't sleep and at some point.........
I just began to pray. I had never prayed or been to church in the 30 years of my life. but i prayed and cried and prayed. I had placed an ad online looking for a temporary place to stay and it was unanswered. but after i prayed within 24 hours it Was answered. the lady who answered was a nice 65 yr old very religious lady. we met for coffee and talked about life. she was giving me a ride back to my place and pulled into a funeral home parking lot and announced that we were having a funeral....
there in the car she led me through prayer and i cried and prayed. she saved me there.
Then i moved into the room she offered, she turned out to operate an Adult Family Home for the elderly. A few days later i left everything behind and moved in there temporarily. the following day she took me to a prayer meeting during which i ended up being compelled and driven to let go of pai and sorrow and free my heart by pouring out a sad story about never meeting my father and all the associated sadness and lifing a life haunted by feelings of death and sadness and lonlieness not being good enough. and the prayer meeting ended up with me on the floor curled up crying as 25 people kneeled and prayed laying hands on me for an hour. it was VERY eye opening and freeing. i continued to live with her in her home in exchange i did home repairs and cleaning. Within 3 weeks of moving in with her she had me inspired and taking classes to get all of my credentials as a caregiver and i immediatly joined the staff. I was saved at the beginning of January 2009 and here I am nearly 6 months later I still live here and work here. and I pray and know god and llife is moving forward.
However i find myself feeling sad and lonely, i think that i need someone in my life who is different than the rest i think i need someone who i can trust and confide in and someone to discuss life with, someone to lean on and be there for them to lean on. I think that i spent 10 years in a limbo where i wasn't even myself. because i had never let the dead past find rest. and it was eating me inside bite by bite feasting on my soul. But now i've learned how to grow and live and I have spend months considering life and the past and future. and I just want life to be fulfilled.
I just want any advise anyone here has. I am somewhat of a novice when it somes to relationships and i'm not dating but i think i want to. I don't get out of here much as there is alot of work. and i am dragging my feet a bit in regards to going out to meet people. i just don't want to rush and be desperate. i know i'm not desperate but i am lonely and just want to find that connection where i can really be myself and get to know somoene for who they are. and just see what life is and where its going.
I just want to really be sure within myself that i'm ready to face a relationship and then see about looking for one. so my question is HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM READY?
thanks for anyone that took the time to read this and answer me.
Anyway. I am in need of opinions and ideas here...
When i was 21 in 1999 I got into a relationship with a woman who had 2 kids. it was my first relationship ever, I basically stepped into the shoes of a husband and father overnight. I was still growing and finding myself and fighting with my own sad childhood without a father. I think that I was so driven to succeed that i would not admit any doubts to myself and i kept everything calm and happy ont he surface. but inside i doubted myself constantly, After 5 years we had a son. and it was like a bright new dawn and in that dawn i KNEW the meaning of life as a father and the promise of life was wonderful and i was beginning to awaken. Another 5 years passed and my son was nearing 5 years old. and i began some kind of internal spiral of anxiety and doubts and fear where all the fears of the past jumped up and attacked me all at once.
During all this time our relationship was in a weird unchanging emotionally unchanging place, we never fought we never were extremely passionate, we had no friends, we never went on vacations or even went out much. we would basically try to have a date night ONLY on our birthdays, and we hid from the world, she was not into the idea of marraige since she was already once divorced, i never pushed it. She eventually settled on us being Engaged so I spent about 8 years as her "fiance"..... but at work she referred to me as her "Partner". little things like this nagged at me deep inside i think. I had been the stay at home parant for about 5 years. the entire second half of our relationship.
Then in the fall of 2008 i rapidly broke down in myself emotionally. My Fiance sensed it and asked me if i was ok and i said i was. but i wasn't i stopped sleeping and fell apart. Luckily I don't smoke or drink or do drugs so there were none of those elements, it was just pure pain at the uncertain aspects of life and the struggle of resolving all the pain from my lonely childhood and trying to make sense of life from the past into the future.
We ended up deciding on a temporary seperation, With no money or resources or a job, i decided i had to just get out of the house and make that break away to find answers. and we both wanted answers. I had a bad weekend while my fiance and son and stepdaughters were away visiting relatives and i knew i had to just make some progress happen. i cried for days and didn't sleep and at some point.........
I just began to pray. I had never prayed or been to church in the 30 years of my life. but i prayed and cried and prayed. I had placed an ad online looking for a temporary place to stay and it was unanswered. but after i prayed within 24 hours it Was answered. the lady who answered was a nice 65 yr old very religious lady. we met for coffee and talked about life. she was giving me a ride back to my place and pulled into a funeral home parking lot and announced that we were having a funeral....
there in the car she led me through prayer and i cried and prayed. she saved me there.
Then i moved into the room she offered, she turned out to operate an Adult Family Home for the elderly. A few days later i left everything behind and moved in there temporarily. the following day she took me to a prayer meeting during which i ended up being compelled and driven to let go of pai and sorrow and free my heart by pouring out a sad story about never meeting my father and all the associated sadness and lifing a life haunted by feelings of death and sadness and lonlieness not being good enough. and the prayer meeting ended up with me on the floor curled up crying as 25 people kneeled and prayed laying hands on me for an hour. it was VERY eye opening and freeing. i continued to live with her in her home in exchange i did home repairs and cleaning. Within 3 weeks of moving in with her she had me inspired and taking classes to get all of my credentials as a caregiver and i immediatly joined the staff. I was saved at the beginning of January 2009 and here I am nearly 6 months later I still live here and work here. and I pray and know god and llife is moving forward.
However i find myself feeling sad and lonely, i think that i need someone in my life who is different than the rest i think i need someone who i can trust and confide in and someone to discuss life with, someone to lean on and be there for them to lean on. I think that i spent 10 years in a limbo where i wasn't even myself. because i had never let the dead past find rest. and it was eating me inside bite by bite feasting on my soul. But now i've learned how to grow and live and I have spend months considering life and the past and future. and I just want life to be fulfilled.
I just want any advise anyone here has. I am somewhat of a novice when it somes to relationships and i'm not dating but i think i want to. I don't get out of here much as there is alot of work. and i am dragging my feet a bit in regards to going out to meet people. i just don't want to rush and be desperate. i know i'm not desperate but i am lonely and just want to find that connection where i can really be myself and get to know somoene for who they are. and just see what life is and where its going.
I just want to really be sure within myself that i'm ready to face a relationship and then see about looking for one. so my question is HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM READY?
thanks for anyone that took the time to read this and answer me.
......when I finish this post, I'm gonna pray for you.