Betrayal

[chich]

Hi,
I am writing this just to get some feedback as to what you all think. Last week I asked a guy from my church, whom I'd been admiring from a far, if he'd be willing to go on a movie date with me. He agreed. I was surprised but excited that he accepted. We went to the show and we spoke briefly about ourselves. We did not hold hands or anything. I dropped him near his home afterwards. I mentioned that sometimes in the days, I'm alone at home and if he wouldnt mind coming by sometimes for us to just hang out. The next day he texted that he'd be willing to do this. By the following day I told him I'd be free so he came by. We watched a dvd in my room. I reached out to hold his hand. He was rather shy. He leaned over to me tho and i kissed his forehead. He soon said that he thought I'd be more assertive towards him so I leaned over and kissed him. He got all into the kiss. After a while, we left out. The next few days I didnt see him, but I noticed from his texts to me that his mood had changed towards me. I asked him what's wrong? He said nothing, but eventually he explained that he was not interested in me at all and that he regrets doing anything with me at all. He went on to say he never wants what happened, to ever happen again! I was a bit shocked. He seemed interested in me when he was kissing me. I didn't force him to do a thing!! He had even said he liked me and how i was pretty then so how come his mouth has changed?? What do you guys think??..is he just making an excuse...or is he just an immature child who doesn't take responsibility for their actions?? I feel like writing a note to him telling him off, but then again I think, to just let this immature child go away. He is 21 years and somehow i thought he'd act more mature than he has just over one kiss!!

 

[Ritter]

He is 21 years and somehow i thought he'd act more mature than he has just over one kiss!!

I fail to see how any of this is betrayal. You were sexually assertive with someone who is young enough to plausibly be your son. He was wise for bolting.

 

[chich]

@ Ritter... I call it betrayal because he was not forced to do what he did and then after the fact he acts like he didnt participate at all. Why cant a younger guy like a older woman? He knew what he was doing.

 

[Ritter]

He is still young and has a lot to learn, and to his credit made a good decision by not continuing the relationship beyond one outing. I won't even go into the confusion you caused by going after him given the difference in age.

The issue is not one of preference, but one of wisdom. Something you apparently need to work on.

 

[CatWoman]

WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING? Your a 41 year old woman going after a 21 year old male. I dont know why someone your age would want to go out with someone that young. They dont have much experiance in life. At your age your a fully developed woman. Men dont fully develope untill their in their early 30s. I think that if it had been ten years from now, like if you were 51 and he were 31 it would be different. I think the reason why he kissed you is he may have been too imtimidated to you to say no . A woman asking a guy out is not a good idea.Ive had guys flrt with with me for longest time and Id wait and wait for them to ask me out and they wouldnt. So tierd of waiting for them, Id ask them out. The relationships did not go too far. I think the reason why because they were not really interested in the first place. And that is why they never asked me out.

*content edited for language

 

[Jullianna]

It seems that the loneliness you spoke of in another thread led you to be unwisely physically aggressive with this young man, who was most likely merely curious (maybe even prompted by his peers), who then wisely came to his senses. I see no betrayal.

I cannot, however, say anything about him being so much younger than you are, as men in their 40s date women in their 20s all the time and no one thinks a thing of it.

 

[chich]

@Catwoman ... I agree the age difference is great and he seemed unexperienced...but then again he seemed to have enjoyed the kiss as well. I was not as aggressive as its looking...he was just shy to lean forward so i initiated it. I did not really want a relationship from this...it was just a simple attraction. I knew a relationship with him would not last.

@Julienne... At least you dont really see a problem with the age but he did not do it by pressure from peers. He just acted on his own but then didn't want to take responsibilty for his actions. Just a simple kiss and he overacts...i guess he s truly immature for sure.

 

[Jullianna]

I guess I just don't understand how watching a DVD in the intimacy of "your room" with a young man with whom you just wanted to kiss and just met, but have no relationship with, would not be considered as being "physically aggessive"....

 

[LightningClap0002]

Hi,
I am writing this just to get some feedback as to what you all think. Last week I asked a guy from my church, whom I'd been admiring from a far, if he'd be willing to go on a movie date with me. He agreed. I was surprised but excited that he accepted. We went to the show and we spoke briefly about ourselves. We did not hold hands or anything. I dropped him near his home afterwards. I mentioned that sometimes in the days, I'm alone at home and if he wouldnt mind coming by sometimes for us to just hang out. The next day he texted that he'd be willing to do this. By the following day I told him I'd be free so he came by. We watched a dvd in my room. I reached out to hold his hand. He was rather shy. He leaned over to me tho and i kissed his forehead. He soon said that he thought I'd be more assertive towards him so I leaned over and kissed him. He got all into the kiss. After a while, we left out. The next few days I didnt see him, but I noticed from his texts to me that his mood had changed towards me. I asked him what's wrong? He said nothing, but eventually he explained that he was not interested in me at all and that he regrets doing anything with me at all. He went on to say he never wants what happened, to ever happen again! I was a bit shocked. He seemed interested in me when he was kissing me. I didn't force him to do a thing!! He had even said he liked me and how i was pretty then so how come his mouth has changed?? What do you guys think??..is he just making an excuse...or is he just an immature child who doesn't take responsibility for their actions?? I feel like writing a note to him telling him off, but then again I think, to just let this immature child go away. He is 21 years and somehow i thought he'd act more mature than he has just over one kiss!!

Hm, I'm as confused as everyone else seems to be. It seems like you're trying to blame someone else for the pain resulting from your actions.

You took the first step, you took the second step, you took the third step, and this guy was kind enough to spend time with you. I don't know what was going through his mind when you were kissing, but I still don't see him being at fault.

There have been many discussions on these forums about boundaries; discussions about dating and courting and general relationships with people of the opposite sex. To me it seems that you rushed into a physical relationship with someone who you didn't know well enough to begin with. Because you didn't take the time to get to know him before pushing the physical interaction, you pushed him away. It is wise to move slowly. Heck, it's probably wise to not be physical at all until married, though certainly not practical for most of us.

Personally, I wouldn't be kissing someone until I really knew them; knew their desires; knew their level of interest; knew how it would be received. The age difference makes this even harder, meaning it would probably take even longer to achieve.

You didn't take the time to know the result of your actions. It certainly doesn't seem that he was being deceptive, so it's completely unfair to blame him for reacting the way he did.

 

[Matthew]

There is nothing wrong with the age difference, we all need to remember not to slam others for making a choice we ourselves would never make, the fact that there are enough years between two people that they could be mother and son or father and daughter is completely beside the point.

Two consenting adults of any age are doing nothing wrong, the reality is the guy took a chance, swiftly realised it wasn't right for him and backed out, it sounds for sure like he could have done so in a more mature manner, but that's 21, and therefore to be expected.
From the other side, the OP, also took a chance, I wasn't there so I'd refrain from saying there was too much assertive behaviour, but like I said, the result shouldn't be too surprising.

I also see no betrayal, simply an ill advised get together ending rather badly, a common result of lonliness, and we've probably all got something similar in our pasts, or coming in our future.

Take what you can learn, and move on.

 

[Ugly]

I hear a 41 year old woman, looking for some boy toy to be physical with to some degree, gets rejected by a 21 year old and now wants to blame him. What happened? A woman he probably found physically attractive, and maybe thought could become a good friend, after barely knowing him decides to get physical... and like many young guys, he went along with it at the time, likely because it felt good and he enjoyed it. But once he had a chance to get his hormones in check and think about the situation he realized that ultimately, no matter how attractive this woman is to him, her desire to be that physical that soon was a turn off for him. And that you invited him to your private room, sounds like you had it planned to kiss him.
Really, to me, the immaturity is a 41 year old woman expecting maturity from a 21 year old. Also the immaturity is taking someone you barely know back to your place to make out. Obviously you didn't know him well enough to have a true attraction to him, and you admit you had no desire to date. So you're just looking for young guys to make out with. That does not show maturity.
I don't have a problem with age differences, but when there's no time to actually get to know someone that much younger, you have to question the true intent of an older person trying to be with someone that young.

 

[chich]

I am not trying to blame anyone..I just think he is an adult and was consenting in participating in the kiss. Yes, I agree I rushed into a physical connection but i also believe if he didnt want to kiss me he could have stopped as soon as it started. Whats a simple kiss anyway...don't we see this on TV multiple times when a guy/ girl has a crush on a girl/guy? Its just a show of affection...I don't think I did anything wrong.

 

[MidniteWelder]

Not spose to kiss and tell, but what I do for kissin practice is kiss my pillow
that way no body gets hurt or led on
Ive heard you know if its gonna work upon the first kiss, whereupon the chemistry either ignites or dwindles during
a kiss can be even more intimate than even the act of making love, the eyes meeting, seeing into one another being comfortable with one another mentally spiritually as well as physically.
I would consider this may be how the young man felt, it may have been more intimate to him than he anticipated casual kissing would be and stirred up emotions he may have not been prepared for, or possibly there was a lack thereof in the first place and considered kissing a moot point for the friendship.
As well perhaps he felt a relationship would not become of it either so felt it best to not pursue or be pursued any further so as to not be involved needlessly with a person dwindling his chances of missing the opportunity with someone God has in mind.

Dont be too hard on him, his actions could be viewed as immature
then again, it could be exactly the opposite

 

[Matthew]

I am not trying to blame anyone..I just think he is an adult and was consenting in participating in the kiss. Yes, I agree I rushed into a physical connection but i also believe if he didnt want to kiss me he could have stopped as soon as it started. Whats a simple kiss anyway...don't we see this on TV multiple times when a guy/ girl has a crush on a girl/guy? Its just a show of affection...I don't think I did anything wrong.

You need to be careful with physical affection, what is 'just a kiss' to you can be more to someone else, especially someone at a different stage of life, putting aside right and wrong, the question you should ask is 'was it wise?' and it probably wasn't.

A simple kiss, to me there's no such thing, it's not a cheap thing, and maybe it's not to him either, and that's why he regrets it.
It all goes back to what others have said, you should get to know someone before doing anything physical, then you won't have to deal with situations like this.

 

[LightningClap0002]

I am not trying to blame anyone..I just think he is an adult and was consenting in participating in the kiss. Yes, I agree I rushed into a physical connection but i also believe if he didnt want to kiss me he could have stopped as soon as it started. Whats a simple kiss anyway...don't we see this on TV multiple times when a guy/ girl has a crush on a girl/guy? Its just a show of affection...I don't think I did anything wrong.

Well, that depends on how you define wrong.

By the friend standard. WRONG - you pushed in a way that pushed your friend away.

By the wisdom standard. WRONG - You prematurely pushed for a physical relationship with someone.

By the Biblical standard. NEUTRAL - With a heavy lean towards wrong. Physical relationships are often fueled by desires that should only be realized with someone you're married to. In this case, marriage didn't seem to be even on your mind.

By the worldly standard. RIGHT - Um...

 

[zeroturbulence]

I bet I know what happened. After he left he probably talked to some of his friends and asked them if "hypothetically" he wanted to start a relationship with an older woman what they would think about that...and they probably bombarded him with negative responses. Being a slave to peer pressure (as many his age are) he decides that they are right even though he probably feels differently but is not strong enough to face his friends' inevitable disapproval.

It happened to me with a younger girl that I dated.

 

[Ritter]

There is no such thing as a simple kiss.

 

[Jullianna]

And there is nothing simple about inviting a young man you barely know into an intimate setting like that, kiss or no kiss. The young man was apparently smart enough to know that if he was looking for trouble, following you into that room was a good start. He did exactly what he should have done. He fled, just as Joseph did.

 

[zeroturbulence]

And there is nothing simple about inviting a young man you barely know into an intimate setting like that, kiss or no kiss. The young man was apparently smart enough to know that if he was looking for trouble, following you into that room was a good start. He did exactly what he should have done. He fled, just as Joseph did.

But she's not married to an egyptian king.

 

[Jullianna]

Even if Potiphar's (not the king) wife had been a single woman, she was not Joseph's wife to lie with, was she? I think he still would have left.

Let's just be honest here, but tactful. We older folks know full well that when an experienced lady invites a young man into her private quarters there is an implied question. Usually of more than a kiss. I think it just took a younger man a few minutes to figure that out.