Dilemma

[Jullianna]

If I heard a guy lie to a female friend of mine online about something to make himself sound more appealing to her, I would tell her privately in a heartbeat for her protection, since I believe that people who lie about the little things will most certainly lie about the big issues of life. It wasn't an exaggeration or anything where gray area would come into play, it was a complete contradiction about something another guy had asked her a couple of weeks ago.

As King Solomon says, it is the LITTLE foxes than can ruin the vine... As a trained investigator and interrogator, I have found this to be absolutely true.

The dilemma: If the friend is a GUY, how do you tell him that another woman lied to him about something without sounding catty? Do you just keep quiet?

I was thinking the best thing to do might be to be quiet for now. If he really isn't interested in her, it's a non-issue, right? If he is though, at some point, I think I would have to risk him becoming upset with me by warning him, wouldn't I?

I read people pretty well and this set off an alarm inside of me, one that is very difficult to ignore. I don't want my friend to be hurt.

Help....what would you do?

 

[zeroturbulence]

It depends on how serious the lie is. If she said she loves dogs but really doesn't, that's one thing...but if she says "I'm a virgin" and she really isn't, well...

 

[Liamson]

I think if you are his friend that means he knows you and realizes that you have an interest in the truth, not necessarily for your own gain.

And if you are friends with the one who lied, you might talk to them first. If they proceed to lie to you or reverse their story, then you know the truth about them and have more of idea as to what to tell your friend.

Contradictions can be messy, details can be messier but, telling people what you think they want to hear is recipe for finding the messiest drama of all.

When I was a kid, like in middle school and elementary school, I used to lie a lot. It was something that I did to try and pacify conflict or sound more interesting. I told people what they wanted to hear, so they wouldn't get too close. As I grew up I learned that a heavy dose of the truth can resolve almost any conflict. Where the light is there can be no darkness. What could anyone else accuse me of if I was my first accuser?

 

[niceguyJ]

I would definitely tell. I also would expect any good friend of mine to tell me if I was the one being lied to. If it makes someone upset or mad, then so be it. The truth is more important to me than that. The truth can and does cause people to get upset sometimes. I'd rather them be upset by the truth than by lies though...same for myself.

 

[zeroturbulence]

If you know with the woman, ask her matter-of-factly, "can I ask why you told so-and-so this, when I THOUGHT I heard you tell so-and-so something different?"

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I had a really good guy friend on here. An thats all it was with us, just friends. We didnt like each other in that way.

So along comes a girl, him and her start talking she likes him he likes her and BAM before you know it there practically together. I had talked to her several times and something was clearly not right with this chick, i had a veeeeery bad feeling about her and i knew she wasnt who she claimed to be. I didnt have any concrete proof, but i just knew she was shady.

So i tell him that, this girl isnt who she says she is. You should be careful. He gets mad says im jealous, then basically tells me never to talk to him again.
i was and still am dumbfounded by his response to me.

This was several years ago and it still bothers me. Anyway turned out i was right, she was a total liar, and about everything. She literally was not who she said she was.

Jules i dunno what you should do, i thought in telling him i would be helping, but it cost me a great friendship and i wish i woulda kept my mouth shut now.

 

[Relena7]

I'm confused about why it's different of your friend is a guy or girl.

If the guy was a close friend of mine and I spotted a red flag in someone else they were getting involved with, I would probably say something. I'm not sure HOW I would say it.

Depending on your friendship, you could just be open with him and just come right out and ask him if he would want you to tell him if you suspected a friend of his was lying about something. Then emphasize that you don't want to be right about the ugly thing, but also don't want him to be hurt.


If you get the gut feeling he might get upset, and you say nothing, and he gets lied to, it isn't always the worst thing. I don't mean this to sound heartless, but sometimes befriending a liar can be a blessing in disguise. Because they can learn from it and avoid even greater hurt later on. Speaking from personal experience though. So feel free to ignore.



P.S. I voted wait and see.

 

[jimsun]

I too would tell I'm afraid. However I can't say how much of that decision is influenced by my work, 60% of which revolves around telling "The truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth"!
(The other 40% is finding that truth!).

 

[niceguyJ]

Let me add one more thing:
If you don't tell them and they find out later that you knew something that could've saved them some trouble, they could still get mad. I guess the only way around that would be to never tell them you knew anything...but then what if they ask you if you knew? I don't envy that position at all.
Personally, I would tell the truth even if it risked losing the friendship. I could not, in good consience, keep quiet. If I lost a friendship over it I would question if anything was truly there to begin with. Truth is hugely important to me, obviously. Give me the truth and then let the pieces fall where they may.

 

[Jullianna]

Zero: It wasn't anything critical. If it had been, I wouldn't have hesitated in the slightest. Thing is, it's not so much the lie that was told that caught my attention. It was the ease with which it was told that was the red flag. People can get confused about things from time to time or forget details, or omit information to protect themselves online, but this was something else.

Nod: As usual, you get EXACTLY where I'm coming from on this. If the friend is another lady, there's no way the person who lied can flip it around to make it seem as though you have an ulterior motive. When it's a guy, especially if the woman is a habitual liar, that's EXACTLY what I would expect her to say if he confronts her about it.

Solely because it is not critical and because I believe in second chances, after thinking and praying about it, I have decided to keep my mouth shut and my eye/ears open for now. The guy is extremely bright, has excellent recall and good instincts. I know for a fact that he has not permitted a pretty face to blind him in the past. I'm confident that God will guide him now as well, as when a lie rolls so easily off of the tongue for someone, immediately followed by another to cover up the first, it's a safe bet that it's a habit for that person...and they will trip themselves up again. Soon.

As for the woman who lied, the very reason I put this here was so she could see it and know that we love our christian brothers and sisters here and we won't allow them to be hurt, even if the price for protecting them is the loss of their friendship. Feel free to consider this a warning shot across the bow. You have potential, so please knock it off. God bless.

 

[LightningClap0002]

Things definitely get complicated when a girl tries to tell a guy that another girl (especially girlfriend or one he's interested in) is lying about something.

In my experience, though I chose to believe the friend over the gilfriend, I still lost the friend due to the actions of my then girlfriend. Girls can be so cruel. I definitely can appreciate your dilemma. I don't think there's really a good way to handle it.

That said, if said person reads this thread, I think you probably took a good first step.

 

[SnailRacer]

I think I would hint that I suspected a lie, just in general, then if my friend seemed interested enough to ask why, then tell him about the contradicting statement. The real problem with not following up on the little lie is that there may be a much bigger damaging lie lurking undiscovered. Remember that love rejoices in the truth, someone who habitually has trouble telling the truth will be have a harder time being loving toward others.

 

[Ugly]

Well, i say speak up. But you can go about it in a less direct manner. Rather than 'hey, they lied, you can't trust them, stay away' perhaps just let them know about the lie, and leave it at that and let them decide what to do, or not do, with the information.
I ask myself... would i rather risk losing a friend who's mad because i was honest? Or risk losing a friend who was mad because they found out i kept things from them? Personally i would find it a hard time to say i was being a true friend while withholding things from them that could be important.
You could wait and see, as you said, it may be a non-issue, but on the flip side, if you wait, then they become closer its that much harder on the friend. I say speak up now.
But be aware, i'm also not a person afraid to lose friends if the situation calls for it. Not everyone deals with that concept as easily as me, but its part of what helps me be direct. To be direct means you have to not worry about the consequences.

 

[alienx7587]

I think, in a kind/sisterly way, you should tell him that you suspect something is going on. If he gets upset and pins jealousy on you, chances are he isn't much of a man. What I mean is, a mature Christian man would accept this information wisely and in a civilized manner. If he does not, and instead makes accusations, you're not losing a "good friendship", you're losing a lousy friend!

 

[alienx7587]

P.S.- I would tell him directly, albeit kindly. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, he'll live!

 

[IamachildofGOD]

Tell Him. I should warn you, if he doesn't want to hear the truth, your friendship may be in trouble. He needs to know. If he values your friendship then He will listen and even if he don't, when he comes to his senses, he will ask for your forgiveness for getting mad at you.

 

[AsifinPassing]

If you feel the need to tell him out of a loving and truth-seeking heart, then with a causious wisdom, let him know.

If not, just let it go. Either way, just keep praying and being the best you can be while helping others do the same. ^_~

*edit*

P.S. Perhaps I should have read ALL of your later post, explaining your decision. Lol. ^^() My mistake.

 

[Jullianna]

[Reece! Where have you been!!!??? We need to have another YouSing praise night ]

Well, as I said, he's a bright guy. He'll catch it if it continues. It just bothered me alot. I'm very protective of my peeps.

My concern is not only for him, but for her as well. She has a great deal of promise. I mean that sincerely. I really do believe in giving people second chances, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut for now.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

If i was this girl i'd be skured!

 

[Jullianna]

LOL Holly! I love you!!!! Psssst...if I happens again, you'll be the first one drafted into the posse, so have your Navy Seal gear good to go