If Christians Have the Answers (Christ), Why Are There So Many Divorced Christians?

[seoulsearch]

Hey everyone,

Just been doing a lot of soul-searching lately and I'd like to hear people's thoughts on this... I have heard that the rate of divorce for Christian marriages is pretty much the same as it is for the rest of society.

It doesn't take much to believe that. Our family forum here is filled with posts about deeply troubled, hurting, and former marriages.

I myself am divorced as well, so I'm certainly not trying to pick on anyone who is divorced. Most people know my story. We had a lot of problems, yes... I came home one day from work, and half the house was gone. He had moved out without telling me. A few weeks later, I received papers in the mail that said, "You are being sued for divorce." He decided that he wanted to be with his 19-year-old girlfriend instead. (I was 25 at the time.)

Now, I'm sure everyone would tell me it was my own fault because I married a non-Christian--that's another long story for another time. (Popular Christian guys at my high school bragged about going to the strip club every weekend and carried condoms in their wallets... part of why I fell in love with this non-Christian person is because he'd never been to a strip club and was a virgin.)

I grew up in the church, and have always been around Christians... and I've seen just as many Christian-with-a-Christian marriages fail. One of the most interesting was a former teacher of mine, who married a college friend (opposite gender.) They openly admitted that they didn't share a romantic love, but felt they could build a marriage based on the fact that they were both strong Christians and had been best friends for years. They had God, and that was going to the foundation of their marriage. This is what we all strive for as Christians, right?

The marriage lasted less than a year, if I remember correctly (I was in grade school at the time.)

And some of the strongest marriages I know are of people who married a non-Christian who later became a Christian (it wasn't all roses and sunshine either, but I can think of two couples I know who are now leaders in their churches, together.)

I know we're all human, we all sin, and we all have flaws. But... just wanted to know what you all have seen, observed, and believe... If we are Christians, if we have Jesus, and are to be the light of the world... Why are Christian marriages failing at the same rate as those who don't have God?

 

[mori]

I know we're all human, we all sin, and we all have flaws. But... just wanted to know what you all have seen, observed, and believe... If we are Christians, if we have Jesus, and are to be the light of the world... Why are Christian marriages failing at the same rate as those who don't have God?

Because Christianity for most people is a social club, with a particular set of passwords (in the form of Christian vocabulary) and practices. Having Jesus means keeping him in captivity, letting him pass censored notes out when we deem appropriate. Christianity has become a list of dogmas to which one intellectually assents when necessary.

Part of the problem, for instance, is the idea that we have the answers. A lot of Christ's teachings are hard. We don't understand some of them, much less know how to put them into practice, and we wouldn't have the will to do it unless we're given the grace.

No wonder it doesn't have any effects - for most people, knowledge of the slogans is Christianity. Just because "no pain, no gain" doesn't mean I'm fit.

 

[LightningClap0002]

I'll run the risk of getting lots of opposition from this, but it seems worth working through. It would be easy to claim that the divorcees were not truly living a loving/christian lifestyle, or that they didn't actually seek/follow God's will; certainly in plenty of cases this is a pretty significant factor, but I think there is more to it than that.

As I see it(never married) there are at least two big reasons that Christianity isn't a significant factor in maintaining marriages. First and foremost, our culture has corrupted the idea of relationships. Secondly, there seems to be a disconnect between love and faith.

Focusing on the US, the idea of relationships has been terribly corrupted by our culture. The blatant sexuality in the media, and in general public, is one clear indicator of this. The media pushes the idea of instant attraction and satisfying that attraction. Beyond the sex, though, there is an even deeper corruption. The idea of passionate, emotional love has become the foundation of relationships. Christians are seizing examples of Biblical whirlwind romances; marriages between two people who didn't know each other at all. The examples I know of that show a true passionate relationship between a man and a wife all developed that passion AFTER the marriage. In our culture this tends to happen quite backwards, so is there any question why sex before marriage is so common? Common dating practices encourage this behavior. Pushing people to pick someone that they are quickly attracted to, someone they find themselves quickly compatible with. If they don't have that passionate "spark" then it's better to move on to the next. But what then, when the commitment does come (if it does), it is far too easy to either replace the passion with the commitment or, in a moment when the passion has been hidden, they may fall back into that mindset that if the passion isn't there, then they should move on and date someone else. Our culture makes it nearly impossible to copy those biblical examples in our lives. The media and culture have hidden true love behind an empty shell of emotional love. And even Christians must choose to (know enough to?) look behind the emotional shell to find something more. Knowing Christ doesn't directly translate to loving people, and the translation to marital love is even less straightforward.

As was pointed out in the OP, there are other people who truly don't fall into this emotional trap. For many of those people, it seems that there is a bit of a disconnect between love and faith. People seem to have faith in the wrong things often times. Faith is a powerful tool, but must be clearly focused on truth or it can be twisted off track very easily. Love is built on faith. Faith in God, but also faith in the relationship/spouse. The faith in God seems to be the root of many faith problems. Not a lack of faith, per se, but a twisted faith. God promises to take care of us; to support and nurture us and to provide for our needs. While on earth, He doesn't promise us the best, or to give us everything we ask for (thank goodness!). I think people in marriages sometimes forget this. They may truly be seeking God's will in the marriage, and yet be putting their faith in something else. Faith that God will give them someone "perfect for them" is truly misplaced faith, and yet seems to be a driving force behind divorces. Faith that God can do something is well-founded, however faith that God will do something is misplaced. God will do what He wants to do; He will do what is best. Faith then, can also fail in a relationship. When faith has failed in a relationship, though, love hasn't necessarily also failed. When faith fails, hope can fill in and carry the load until faith can be restored. It seems that often when faith fails, and trust with it, that people think love is destroyed; they reason that without any love left, the marriage should end to ease the pain.

As for your teacher, it sounds like they ignored each other. A foundation is useless by itself; a house built on a rock will stand firm, but a house that was never built... well it doesn't matter whether there is rain or sun... it will never stand firm.

As for the strong marriages... Some people have a resolve that can replace both hope and faith. Those relationships, I'm sure could last a lifetime. But in the end, the first and most important is love. Hope, faith, resolve, they all have their place and are truly only important in how they support love, and yet love can't exist without them.

 

[wyler]

If we are Christians, if we have Jesus, and are to be the light of the world... Why are Christian marriages failing at the same rate as those who don't have God?

I think a lot of people coming to faith struggle with the Christian notions that God will have a perfect mate for each of us, that he has a plan to give us the desires of our hearts etc...because it seems like some Christians discount the reality of hardship, some Christians accept that God's promise is not a life free of hardship, others don't.

It seems to me a lot of Christian marriages fail because people mistake marriage for heaven, by that I mean they think of it as the place where everything is absolute and what they have there is unshakeable.

I think it can be true, but only with the effort made, and I think Christians may well enter marriage with a greater wilingness and awareness of that than some non-Christians, but when life becomes hard and other concerns grow larger they expect it to simply sustain because it is a marriage they were led into by God, and then when it doesn't their faith fails and the marriage goes with it, oftentimes they themselves go with it and turn from God.

I think maybe some Christians think their marriage has 3 members, all of whom should reach out to each other, when in fact two should be reaching together toward the one.

 

[JamesofLinHood]

I agree with Mori.

In general, there are two different "types" of Christians: Practicing Christians and Cultural Christians. In other words, the kind of Christians who walk the walk versus those who don't.

Practicing Christians realize the dangers of even starting a dating relationship with someone who is unequally yoked with them (ie: Dating someone of a different faith or no faith at all). Cultural Christians do not pay attention to those dangers. So, they reap the consequences of not walking the walk.

I can make the same case for divorce. Practicing Christians know that God hates divorce and therefore, if both people in the marriage are equally yoked, they will fight with everything they can to avoid divorce. Cultural Christians simply won't do this. More often then not, they see divorce as an easy out.

Unfortunately, there are many more Cultural Christians than there are Practicing Christians, which is why the divorce number among believers and unbelievers are similar. If more Christians actually walked the walk, only married someone who is equally yoked with them, and saw divorce as something to run from rather than something to embrace when times get tough, I can assure you that the divorce rate between Christians and non-Christians would start to look very different.

 

[Jullianna]

I think a lot of christian marriages end in divorce for the same reasons non-christian marriages end in divorce:

People sometimes marry before they are ready
They marry for the wrong reasons
They get into too much of a rush
They marry the convenient person rather than the right person

I think this is why premarital counseling is so very important. Step back and take a good look. Am I ready? Do I have unresolved issues that are going to affect my marriage? Am I mature enough in every way for this? Do I think I can actually spend the rest of my life with this person and this person alone or are they just what I need for right now, so they'll DO? Have I given myself enough time to really get to know this person and for them to know me as they should? Am I just getting married for lustful reasons that are going to fizzle out later on? When we're old and far less attractive physically, will there still be a lifetime of things I appreciate and love about them and vice versa?

 

[chiclet01]

Thought I'd weigh in.

I don't think there's a simple answer. Every response I've read so far has made excellent points and is probably 100% true... in someone's case. There are so many factors into failed marriages... so many possible situations... that it's really impossible to answer this question with absolute certainty. There are definitely many cultural Christians who don't actually live any part of their life different from the world. There is definitely the myth of the soul-mate and that one "perfect person" for you who you'll meet and then everything will be easy. There are some who go into a relationship unequally yoked and end up paying for it later. There is a definite influence of our culture that promotes bailing out of anything (job, marriage, etc.) when you're unhappy or unsatisfied.

And then there are countless other situations that we could go through here, and this thread would be alive until Jesus comes back. lol

So... I don't know. All I know is my own personal experience and what happened in my situation. The above factors weren't quite it in my marriage. But I can't disagree with them because I've seen Christian marriages fall apart for those reasons. I guess at the end of the day, Christians still mess it up. We still get influenced by our culture. We still give up when we should have pushed on. We fall for fairy tales and myths parading as promises (insta-soulmate). We make mistakes.

Thank God that He redeems those things. That He doesn't turn His back on us.

 

[LightningClap0002]

I think a lot of christian marriages end in divorce for the same reasons non-christian marriages end in divorce:

People sometimes marry before they are ready
They marry for the wrong reasons
They get into too much of a rush
They marry the convenient person rather than the right person

I think this is why premarital counseling is so very important. Step back and take a good look. Am I ready? Do I have unresolved issues that are going to affect my marriage? Am I mature enough in every way for this? Do I think I can actually spend the rest of my life with this person and this person alone or are they just what I need for right now, so they'll DO? Have I given myself enough time to really get to know this person and for them to know me as they should? Am I just getting married for lustful reasons that are going to fizzle out later on? When we're old and far less attractive physically, will there still be a lifetime of things I appreciate and love about them and vice versa?

I agree with you, but....

I think everything you listed is a result of our culture. It isn't something that is inherent to marriages. But that all goes beyond the scope of the original question; Christians probably should be above the cultural norms in this respect. But to do so, do we have to return to Biblical marriage customs??

 

[Jullianna]

I doubt that these things have only existed in our culture.

We SHOULD be above the norm, but we aren't always. That's reality. Sometimes the flesh will rise up in all of us. Some more than others. We all make mistakes and it is only by the grace of God that some of us are spare some doozies.

I simply didn't want to be redundant by restating everything the other posters had already said said, but to add to the conversation. Not all who cry Lord, Lord are truly His. He said it Himself. And even those who are make mistakes.

 

[Jullianna]

oops..hit the button too soon

I also believe our marriages should be designed as closely to the model scripture gives us as we can yield ourselves to the Spirit to accomplish, and to remember that a christian marriages takes THREE, not two. And mostly...that love doesn't seek its own way.