Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

[seoulsearch]

Hello Everyone!

I read a deeply disturbing article in the paper today and am trying to dissect all my thoughts into separate issues to write about individually.

As Christians who are human beings, most of us singles struggle with sexual feelings and what to do with them. I grew up in Christian schools and churches all my life, and the general consensus was, "DON'T!!! Don't think it, speak of it, or do it... and for God's sake, don't ask us about it!! Just WAIT, get married, and it will all be ok!!!"

Now let me say that I am NOT, let me repeat, NOT saying in any way, shape or form, that we should disobey God's command that sex should be reserved ONLY for marriage. But my question is, WHY doesn't that seem to work for so many people? And WHY does the Christian community keep telling us the same answers without honestly speaking about the struggles so many Christians are having? Is there a better way?

1. In the article I read today, a local, well-known police officer committed suicide days before he was to go to court over charges that he was using his authority to blackmail someone for sexual favors. He was married... and an ordained pastor at two different churches.

2. I knew a Christian couple once that struggled because the husband had a previous marriage to a woman who had been very "experimental", including with bisexuality. Even though he was a Christian, he was hooked on what he had been "allowed" in his former marriage, and was always trying to "convince" his current wife to "just try...." things she was not comfortable with at all.

3. Young Christian people have bravely told me they are afraid of Christian marriages... because they've seen, heard, or read things they want to "try"... and figure it could never happen in a Christian marriage. After talking with them, I hang my head with sorrow and pray, "God, I wasn't of much help to them at all, was I? I just told them all the same cookie-cutter answers people have given me all my life, and for some reason, it doesn't seem to work."

4. I knew a wonderful Christian about my age--a youth pastor--who had been sexually abused from early childhood to young adulthood. This person grew up in a household where porn and abuses were part of everyday life. As a result, this person had a time of experimenting with things of the world in order to try to cope. After becoming a Christian and entering into a Christian marriage, this person admitted that they struggled very often with thoughts of wanting to return to some of what the world had to offer. Although this person loved their spouse with all their heart, ties and pains from the past were still in place and a constant struggle.

Please understand that I guess the ONLY answer IS to wait until marriage, of course. But why are we always spoken to as if marriage will someone solve ALL our curiosities, wants, and desires, when for so many people, it does not? Are we to expect that we will somehow be the exception and if we're good and just wait it out, we can expect a wonderful, out-of-this world personal life with our spouse? If so... why are so many others so miserable?

I understand that some will point out that maybe some people are not strong in their faith, didn't marry for the right reasons, are not truly living out what they believe, etc.

But this is real life, not heaven. Why doesn't anyone ever talk about what seems to be a reality for so many people?

I realize this is a highly personal topic and perhaps no one will answer, which is fine. I write my threads with the hope that if it only inspires one person to bring their deepest troubles to God, then it was written for a reason.

I will also be including an anonymous poll for those who may want to answer but are not sure how. Thanks for your time, and God bless!!!

[wyler]

I was going to say how surprised I was that you made a thread without a poll for once, then I read the last line!

My feeling is that Churches and many Christians rely on platitudes because they feel this issue can be explored but never resolved, and they won't bear the discomfort of the exploration if there's no ending they can see, and that's understandable, who wants to do something unpleasant if there is no end result?

The problem with that is the value is nearly always in the exploration, it can provide peace to the soul to explore something even if there is no answer, hence the value of Bible study, some things will always be beyond us, but talking about them is a thing most essential.

Sex is taboo, while always a problem it is now reactionary, as the world becomes obsessed with it the silence of the Church is deafening, and that's an open invitation.

Christians on the whole should learn the lesson hard and fast that they don't need to have the answer, they just need to acknowledge the problem.

[seoulsearch]

Originally Posted by wyler

I was going to say how surprised I was that you made a thread without a poll for once, then I read the last line!

Sorry to disappoint you, Wyler . A long time ago I made a poll regarding polls... the majority of people said they were a positive addition to the forum, and I've tried to include polls with the threads ever since. I got to thinking, "Maybe there are people out there who want to answer but aren't sure how... or maybe they're curious but don't want anyone to know." Polls are my way of reaching out to our "silent contributors".

Sex is taboo, while always a problem it is now reactionary, as the world becomes obsessed with it the silence of the Church is deafening, and that's an open invitation.

Christians on the whole should learn the lesson hard and fast that they don't need to have the answer, they just need to acknowledge the problem.

Very profound statements... thank you for your thoughts. The church wonders why so many fall into the world... because the problems they're having are being swept away with, "Just have faith," "Get closer to Jesus," "Trust in His timing..." without addressing the real issues.

"The silence of the church is deafening..." but the hearts of its people are screaming.

[Liamson]

So...

This poll seems selfish. If Marriage is about love and not about what I get or my sexual expectations, then love answers much of the questions presented here. Love does not seek for itself pleasure, but it seeks to bring true happiness. Love gives all, believes all, endures all and it never fails.

If I love my wife as my very soul, then whatever she asks of me (within reason) I will do. To make her happy and feel loved, there is no end or limit to what love is capable of.

I do not believe that a Christian marriage is stifling or constrictive. People are going to do what ever they were going to do before they were Christians and after they get married too.

Just because people are Christian doesn't mean that they have to turn the lights off and never go to the beach.

[dothackzero]

This is what I choose:

I believe that all my sexual feelings, desires, and curiosities will be fulfilled in marriage.

I just hope I get a wife that wants to expriment around as much as I do. *edited* Not that I did not get these ideas from porn. Let's just say(When I use to watch(and I've been free for over 4 months now)

"Christian sex" within a Christian marriage is going to be awesome!

I don't need or want worldly things like porn involved in my marriage.
(I basically just mean no porn, toys, thresomes, or beastaitily(which just sounds gross anyway), and anything else that fits in here.)

I could go for a time without sex and still love and be faithful to my spouse (think recovery from pregnancy, illness, etc.)
(I could but I don't think it's a good idea, I'm thinking good and having sex often is a good way to prevent adultry)
<H3>1 Corinthians 7:2-5

2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. </H3>

I wish more Christians would speak honestly and openly about sex.

btw for the people that feel guilty for having sex filling. Don't worry about it's natural, Just don't act on those feeling.

[seoulsearch]

Dot! That's wonderful (4 months of freedom)!!

I always admire your openness--God bless you and don't give up. ALL of us are fighting for our purity, just in different ways.

And Liamson, excellent points, as always... You have such a heart of servitude... it's not all about us, it's also about what we can do for the other person. Thanks for reminding me of that. But of course, there is a balance... Some people feel they are ALWAYS serving and never have their own thoughts acknowledged... which eventually manifests itself in unhealthy ways.

[Liamson]

Um, I would like to remind everyone that this is a public forum, viewable by person's of all ages.

I am not interested in exposing the innocent to terms and subjects unnecessarily.

This page has to be G rated still.

[seoulsearch]

Again, excellent point.

I'm sorry, everyone. I should have thought to put that kind of disclaimer on my original post. I want to encourage an open discussion but agree that we need to keep it "all ages appropriate."

[dothackzero]

Final edit since I went past the time for editing

Originally Posted by dothackzero

I believe that all my sexual feelings, desires, and curiosities will be fulfilled in marriage.

I just hope I get a wife that wants to expriment around as much as I do. *edited*
BTW, I didn't get the idea of doing this stuff from porn. *edited* As for porn, I've been free for 4 month(Even since God gave me the faith to get a wife). Though I never was into the heavy stuff(Though it's still wrong to look at).

[dothackzero]

Originally Posted by seoulsearch

Again, excellent point.

I'm sorry, everyone. I should have thought to put that kind of disclaimer on my original post. I want to encourage an open discussion but agree that we need to keep it "all ages appropriate."

If I remeber right this singles area is 18+ anyway. Besides, this topic needs to be discussed.

[Liamson]

Look I know but I don't want to hear about how much someone wants a wife interested in a The Reverse Portuguese Flying Dutch Enchilada.

If there is an issue involving sex within a marriage then typically its something external that has come into the equation that causes it to fail, not something that from the beginning just was not right.

Sex is an expression of Love not an act performed out of an urge. We are not animals.

[Oncefallen]

Originally Posted by Liamson

Um, I would like to remind everyone that this is a public forum, viewable by person's of all ages.

I am not interested in exposing the innocent to terms and subjects unnecessarily.

This page has to be G rated still.

Originally Posted by dothackzero

If I remeber right this singles area is 18+ anyway. Besides, this topic needs to be discussed.

I have to agree with Liamson on this one. This is a public forum accessible be people of all ages. The forums are accessible to our members (13 is the cutoff age), but also all guests of which we have no control over the age of the viewer. I see no need to give graphic details in replies to this thread.

[wyler]

Originally Posted by seoulsearch

Sorry to disappoint you, Wyler . A long time ago I made a poll regarding polls... the majority of people said they were a positive addition to the forum, and I've tried to include polls with the threads ever since. I got to thinking, "Maybe there are people out there who want to answer but aren't sure how... or maybe they're curious but don't want anyone to know." Polls are my way of reaching out to our "silent contributors".

Don't misunderstand me, your polls are really good, it's just so much reading, and you know, I confuse so very easily!

[seoulsearch]

Originally Posted by Liamson

Look I know but I don't want to hear about how much someone wants a wife interested in a The Reverse Portuguese Flying Dutch Enchilada.

Actually, I was thinking of a slightly different variation... you know, the Chinese Diagonal Eggroll Pyamid...

Seriously, my heartfelt apologies for not including this in my original post, and to anyone who may be offended. I'm hoping for honest discussion in a non-offensive, non-graphic manner.

Thanks to everyone who participates!

[jesusnme]

I will wait until marriage....I think relationships should be based upon love and not sex.
I have no interest in pornography...for me sex is about love [and of course procreation! ]

[GreenNnice]

Originally Posted by dothackzero

This is what I choose:

I believe that all my sexual feelings, desires, and curiosities will be fulfilled in marriage.

I just hope I get a wife that wants to expriment around as much as I do. *edited* Not that I did not get these ideas from porn. Let's just say(When I use to watch(and I've been free for over 4 months now)

"Christian sex" within a Christian marriage is going to be awesome!

I don't need or want worldly things like porn involved in my marriage.
(I basically just mean no porn, toys, thresomes, or beastaitily(which just sounds gross anyway), and anything else that fits in here.)

I could go for a time without sex and still love and be faithful to my spouse (think recovery from pregnancy, illness, etc.)
(I could but I don't think it's a good idea, I'm thinking good and having sex often is a good way to prevent adultry)
<H3>1 Corinthians 7:2-5

2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. </H3>

I wish more Christians would speak honestly and openly about sex.

btw for the people that feel guilty for having sex filling. Don't worry about it's natural, Just don't act on those feeling.

=====================
dothack0, YES !

Your reasons for your 'freedom,' too, are strangely similar to mine for when God DELIVERED me close to your same age, 23 !!

I read your reasons, and, here were the ways that God showed me when I actively started a process of saying that I would not let that filth placate my mind and my life NO MORE ! NO MORE, NO MORE !!

1. There is NO way you can EVER forge a genuine marriage relationship with PORN there.
2. The God I serve does not want me to do things that take me away from He .
3. My mind was so CLOSED up when I was watching PORN that I did not want to date girls .
4. It was a secret life which I did not want to live no more.

Keep on being freeee, DH0 .Just DHO it !! With God, you can conquer all. Greater is He that is in ME than he that is in the world !!!

God bless you, dothack, for your FAITH to believe in He, who is The One who made you, you ARE fearfully and wonderfully made and He will give you what is BEST for you IF you let Him lead.

----
SeoulLost, and, you know that's my new nic for you because of your astonishingly great witness and testimonial of being found in the city in a cardboard box when you were a baby. Amazing!! Anyway, NO marriage is not the answer for singles. You run toward marriage and you will get the wrong answers IF you do not first ask God IF it is RIGHT FOR YOU. Jesus may just give you an answer.....of marriage being something He wants you to think about WAY FAR OFF and just CONCENTRATE on Him for the time being in ALL your glory of singleness

Click below V for a great song that let's us know the answer.

andre crouch--Jesus is the answer - YouTube

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Originally Posted by dothackzero

If I remeber right this singles area is 18+ anyway. Besides, this topic needs to be discussed.

Yeah, but seriously. Who in here wants to read about what you wanna do or try sexually, in graphic detail?? Here's a clue, Nooooo one. Keep that mess to yourself.


Anyways, people think that marriage is gonna solve all their problems. Want to have Sex, wanting to feel loved, filling the void of lonliness, etc.. etc...
It's a sad wake up call when you realize after your married all those same problems you had before are still there, sometimes they even get worse.

A woman that gets married because she wants to feel loved and accepted by someone. She gets married and her now husband isn't attentive or doesnt pay attention to her at all. So she goes and finds it somewhere else. Does it make it right ... no, but it happens.

A man gets married because he wants to have sex all the time. He gets married and realizes his wife isnt as interested in sex as he would like. He gets mad so he goes and gets it somewhere else.

This stuff happens all the time, but it happens a lot in men and women who have sexual addictions. They think marriage will cure them cause they'll be getting it all the time... Never happens.

Sex is sex ... the misconception is you cant be happy, or you cant live never having it, or not having it often.. Get over it. There are more important things in life.

[GreenNnice]

Originally Posted by NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Yeah, but seriously. Who in here wants to read about what you wanna do or try sexually, in graphic detail?? Here's a clue, Nooooo one. Keep that mess to yourself.


Anyways, people think that marriage is gonna solve all their problems. Want to have Sex, wanting to feel loved, filling the void of lonliness, etc.. etc...
It's a sad wake up call when you realize after your married all those same problems you had before are still there, sometimes they even get worse.

A woman that gets married because she wants to feel loved and accepted by someone. She gets married and her now husband isn't attentive or doesnt pay attention to her at all. So she goes and finds it somewhere else. Does it make it right ... no, but it happens.

A man gets married because he wants to have sex all the time. He gets married and realizes his wife isnt as interested in sex as he would like. He gets mad so he goes and gets it somewhere else.

This stuff happens all the time, but it happens a lot in men and women who have sexual addictions. They think marriage will cure them cause they'll be getting it all the time... Never happens.

Sex is sex ... the misconception is you cant be happy, or you cant live never having it, or not having it often.. Get over it. There are more important things in life.

---------
Wise-said, Nods, I have not been married so not gone through those situations but they seem real, in some cases, painfully real, of not basing your marriage on the biblical model that God gives us in scripture. I think that ONE word will work the best, love. Love God #1 and love your wife #2 and love others #3, Jesus speaks higher of 'love,' than 'hope,' or 'faith,' that says it all.
Of faith, hope, and, love, scripture says, the greatest is love.

[zeroturbulence]

Originally Posted by seoulsearch

Hello Everyone!

..why are we always spoken to as if marriage will someone solve ALL our curiosities, wants, and desires, when for so many people, it does not? Are we to expect that we will somehow be the exception and if we're good and just wait it out, we can expect a wonderful, out-of-this world personal life with our spouse? If so... why are so many others so miserable?

Because people aren't like characters in a movie or tv show where they fit perfectly into someone's idea of who they are. Waiting to find out what the other person is really like AFTER you get married is the problem.

[zeroturbulence]

Originally Posted by NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Anyways, people think that marriage is gonna solve all their problems. Want to have Sex, wanting to feel loved, filling the void of lonliness, etc.. etc...
It's a sad wake up call when you realize after your married all those same problems you had before are still there, sometimes they even get worse.

A woman that gets married because she wants to feel loved and accepted by someone. She gets married and her now husband isn't attentive or doesnt pay attention to her at all. So she goes and finds it somewhere else. Does it make it right ... no, but it happens.

A man gets married because he wants to have sex all the time. He gets married and realizes his wife isnt as interested in sex as he would like. He gets mad so he goes and gets it somewhere else.

This stuff happens all the time, but it happens a lot in men and women who have sexual addictions. They think marriage will cure them cause they'll be getting it all the time... Never happens.

Sex is sex ... the misconception is you cant be happy, or you cant live never having it, or not having it often.. Get over it. There are more important things in life.

Yes, Yes, Yes!!

(and that's not sex noises!)