Cannot tell the difference between platonic affection and romantic attraction!

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Be_Evergreen

Guest
#1
#1
I met a guy in high school who was previously home schooled. I felt an instant attraction to him on the school bus and went to greet him. We became friends, sitting at the same table at lunch, and he would always sit across from me on the school bus once he got to know me.

He would tease me (in a lighthearted way). He wouldn't always smile when I first saw him, but once we would be together for a few minutes, he would be smiling away and teasing me. He used to compliment me, ruffle my hair (one time o_o), poke me. We would play a lot of hand-games, like Slap. Wasn't out of his comfort zone. He was raised to be a very strong Christian- something I deeply admire about him, and which increased my attraction to him, spiritually and romantically...

Over one summer, I tried to contact him, but his computer was broken- I didn't know this, so I figured he just wanted space for some reason. When he got a girlfriend, I figured that was the reason (he is single now). But his brother explained what happened to me, and asked me to come over. A week later, I asked the guy if he wanted to hang out, and he told me to come on over.

So I did- again, I was reminded of how affectionate he is with other people. His mom snuggled into him when we were all watching tv (it was cute to see how close they are, through that and their teasing of each other).

And it was the same as it had always been, as if that one year of not seeing each other never happened! All smiles and teasing me the whole time I was there.

I am praying on this, asking God to lead me in the right direction. I just needed to vent this out! XD
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#2
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#2
I believe you have fallen into the sister box. You are like family to him, a very close and comfortable friend. I don't think he is threatened by you romantically.

You would probably have to reinvent yourself to be seen by him.
 
AAAPlus

AAAPlus

Senior Member
#3
Aug 2, 2011
601
10
18
#3
Liamson said:
I believe you have fallen into the sister box.
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The "sister box" isn't a thing. I think it's just something he made up. Regardless, guys can be erratic in the way they act towards someone they're interested in romantically. By the way he treats his mom, he seems like a legit guy.

Usually it's the guy who can't tell if she's interested or not haha. Anyway, don't write him off; pray it up.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#4
Aug 2, 2009
24,578
4,268
113
#4
What Liamson meant by "sister box" is that he might like her more as a sister rather than someone he is attracted to.
 
C

CC_Bride

Guest
#5
#5
The fact that he was home schooled gives a big hint. I think people who have been homeschooled and havent been socially taught how to manipulate girls by highschool culture is very refreshing, and I suspect from the sounds of it he had no idea of the effect he had on you.

Thing is, he is also a male and you need to also take that into account. Men and women relate and view each other differently. And heres a warning to other guys - if you're not interested in a girl don't overly touch her affectionately. Thats the mistake this guy did. Women read into EVERY touch they receive (nouggies, hair ruffling, gentle pokes, games where the hands are involved etc). They see that sort of thing as romantic and affection. But to guys, playful touching like that is normal though slightly less mature (pull my finger, towel whipping, contact sports), and to guys it represents camaraderie (companionship). In my opinion, guys (should) know that girls don't want a nouggie or a pull my finger joke. The physical flirting they know is putting their hand on the small of your back, or holding your elbow/hand if you need assistance, and the big one - putting that strand of hair behind your ear.

Regardless of how we're raised, guys need to be aware of how vulnerable they can make girls by doing even the subtlest things like that.

My extra advice to you, would be this. He is not interested in you romantically, but he is treating you abominably by raising your hopes like that, and almost as if your a "rebound". You need to take a break from him. And you need to confront him and ask him if he is aware of what he is doing. If you're too shy to do that then speak to his brother or even better his mom since she will understand what its like being a woman and would most likely take your side and hopefully she will have a word to him about being careful around how much attention he gives other girls.
 
K

Kooper

Guest
#6
#6
Just ask him straight up. Or you can go old school on this.
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zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#7
Aug 2, 2009
24,578
4,268
113
#7
CC_Bride said:
The fact that he was home schooled gives a big hint. I think people who have been homeschooled and havent been socially taught how to manipulate girls by highschool culture is very refreshing, and I suspect from the sounds of it he had no idea of the effect he had on you.

Thing is, he is also a male and you need to also take that into account. Men and women relate and view each other differently. And heres a warning to other guys - if you're not interested in a girl don't overly touch her affectionately. Thats the mistake this guy did. Women read into EVERY touch they receive (nouggies, hair ruffling, gentle pokes, games where the hands are involved etc). They see that sort of thing as romantic and affection. But to guys, playful touching like that is normal though slightly less mature (pull my finger, towel whipping, contact sports), and to guys it represents camaraderie (companionship). In my opinion, guys (should) know that girls don't want a nouggie or a pull my finger joke. The physical flirting they know is putting their hand on the small of your back, or holding your elbow/hand if you need assistance, and the big one - putting that strand of hair behind your ear.

Regardless of how we're raised, guys need to be aware of how vulnerable they can make girls by doing even the subtlest things like that.

My extra advice to you, would be this. He is not interested in you romantically, but he is treating you abominably by raising your hopes like that, and almost as if your a "rebound". You need to take a break from him. And you need to confront him and ask him if he is aware of what he is doing. If you're too shy to do that then speak to his brother or even better his mom since she will understand what its like being a woman and would most likely take your side and hopefully she will have a word to him about being careful around how much attention he gives other girls.
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That is so true!!
 
B

Be_Evergreen

Guest
#9
#9
I thought about having that convo with him. But since I just started talking to him again, I want to make sure we're cool on the friendship front. If nothing else comes of this, then I'll have a good friend and I'll be happy.

I'll describe it to some guys and they'll say it sounds like he does, others say no. Heck, he dragged a finger across my arm to tease me one day, really slow- THAT was the one time I was thinking, "Hold on a minute- what's going on!?!". The other times, yeah, a more friendly thing. I've told God to help me along in deciding what to do, and what I should say if anything. I want to be honest with him, especially if this bothers me at all.

But yeah. Thank you for the input, all of you. It's helping me out to get the different points of view.
 
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Be_Evergreen

Guest
#11
#11
Would be much less stressful to just ask him o_o. After all, he's the only one who knows what he's thinking.

Would that be awkward, to be asked that (I've had it happen once, and was pretty okay with it. Didn't phase me much)? Have you guys ever had a girl/guy you just saw as a friend ask you if you like her/ him?
 
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Be_Evergreen

Guest
#12
#12
Ruining the Friendship <----------------------------------------------------> Working out for the better
(they never talk to you again, avoid you)_________________________ (they are okay with it or like you back)

The Left end of the scale holds me back. I guess your own reaction to THEM and your confidence level ("Oh, that's fine- it's just a crush, I'll get over it. Thanks for being nice about it.") matters too.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#13
Aug 2, 2009
24,578
4,268
113
#13
A lot of people here probably won't like this, but I think a good way to find out is to flirt with him and see if he is receptive. What I mean is innocent type flirting like next time you are "playing around" with him and both of you are giggly, stop for a moment and stare into his eyes. If he stares back and you share a long, loving stare then he likes you. If he asks you to stop or looks away then he's not interested in you that way. If he turns it into a staring contest, he's just too immature.
 
L

Liz01

Guest
#14
#14
zeroturbulence said:
A lot of people here probably won't like this, but I think a good way to find out is to flirt with him and see if he is receptive. What I mean is innocent type flirting like next time you are "playing around" with him and both of you are giggly, stop for a moment and stare into his eyes. If he stares back and you share a long, loving stare then he likes you. If he asks you to stop or looks away then he's not interested in you that way. If he turns it into a staring contest, he's just too immature.
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zero, now i understand why im not married.......i never do the staring thing
 
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Be_Evergreen

Guest
#15
#15
Gosh I'm awful at flirting :). It's rare for me to meet people's eyes too long. That'd be a big hint, coming from me :p. People are just kind of used to it, and as I get more comfortable with them, I meet their eyes more often.

He was staring at me one day, back then. Wanted to show me his skills on the recorder, and he stared me dead in the eye while he played a song. It's intense! I've also known one person who just stares everyone straight in the eye, he says out of respect. Eyes are the windows to the soul, and I was thinking, "TOO MUCH SOUL! ABORT!" :D
 
G

GreenNnice

Guest
#16
#16
Be_Evergreen said:
Gosh I'm awful at flirting :). It's rare for me to meet people's eyes too long. That'd be a big hint, coming from me :p. People are just kind of used to it, and as I get more comfortable with them, I meet their eyes more often.

He was staring at me one day, back then. Wanted to show me his skills on the recorder, and he stared me dead in the eye while he played a song. It's intense! I've also known one person who just stares everyone straight in the eye, he says out of respect. Eyes are the windows to the soul, and I was thinking, "TOO MUCH SOUL! ABORT!" :D
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God sees our true heart. If this is meant to be, God will make it come to pass, just do everything short of actually asking him out yourself, beevergreeen, and, just like when we witness , but different, God will work His supernatural into the situation to an end of desirable proportions for you and he, no lost friendship worry or thinking about 'what if I had done this' type of thinking.

The Lord leads, now go get him (this guy you like), pray how to go about things, listen, then , act . and, don't forget to take God with you, for He will NEVER let go, NEVER let go of God. He is your everything, should be , anyway, He made us out of nothing but dust and wants to do everything good we let Him do for us. :)
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#17
#17
I think his displays of affection are very sweet and innocent. Being homeschooled, he most likely hasn't been discouraged from expressing affection by other guys.

My teen son is very much like this. He wasn't homeschooled, but he is very innocent-minded and affectionate. He played T ball at the age of 4 and hugged someone when they did well and he was excited, but it wasn't well received by the other boy. :) He didn't understand. :(

This innocence is so very precious and I'm very thankful for it. My son is a VERY nice looking guy, but he doesn't yet realize it. If it wasn't for that godly aspect of him, I would have far more concerns about the ladies he dates than I do. :) I'm sure he's not as innocent now as Mom wants to think (Mom is trusting, but not stupid haha), but I still see that loving, affectionate side in him and treasure it.

Just be his friend and, if it still troubles you down the road, be as lovingly honest with him as possible. In doing so you may save him from being deeply hurt by someone else because of this later on who doesn't care for him as much as you do. Allow God to use you to help him. :) God bless :)
 
B

Be_Evergreen

Guest
#18
#18
Julianna, both of those things are so nice to see in a very harsh world, to see love for others shown by kids and teens!

Just thought I'd let you all know. It was bugging me all day, messing with my concentration in my classes. I needed to get it out, and so I Instant messaged his brother and asked if my crush was home. Instead of telling his brother to meet me somewhere, he encouraged me to tell him what was wrong.

I ended up telling his brother about the crush (which he said he already guessed, and told his brother his suspicions long ago. He's good at reading people).And then he asked his brother flat out what he would say if I asked him out- his brother said no.

I felt so much better knowing what he was thinking! Heck, I've lost love before, so a crush being crushed is nothing. When I expressed a little worry that my friend would avoid me now, his brother told me flat out that that won't happen. So I feel completely relieved now. :)
 
G

GreenNnice

Guest
#19
#19
Jullianna said:
I think his displays of affection are very sweet and innocent. Being homeschooled, he most likely hasn't been discouraged from expressing affection by other guys.

My teen son is very much like this. He wasn't homeschooled, but he is very innocent-minded and affectionate. He played T ball at the age of 4 and hugged someone when they did well and he was excited, but it wasn't well received by the other boy. :) He didn't understand. :(

This innocence is so very precious and I'm very thankful for it. My son is a VERY nice looking guy, but he doesn't yet realize it. If it wasn't for that godly aspect of him, I would have far more concerns about the ladies he dates than I do. :) I'm sure he's not as innocent now as Mom wants to think (Mom is trusting, but not stupid haha), but I still see that loving, affectionate side in him and treasure it.

Just be his friend and, if it still troubles you down the road, be as lovingly honest with him as possible. In doing so you may save him from being deeply hurt by someone else because of this later on who doesn't care for him as much as you do. Allow God to use you to help him. :) God bless :)
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Yes. All this.

But ESPECIALLY that :D
 
C

CC_Bride

Guest
#20
#20
Be_Evergreen said:
Ruining the Friendship <----------------------------------------------------> Working out for the better
(they never talk to you again, avoid you)_________________________ (they are okay with it or like you back)

The Left end of the scale holds me back. I guess your own reaction to THEM and your confidence level ("Oh, that's fine- it's just a crush, I'll get over it. Thanks for being nice about it.") matters too.
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Heres the question, if hes not romantically interested you, why on earth would you allow him to flirt with you like that? THAT is not a friend who cares about looking out for you. That is a self serving little boy who likes the benefits of tugging at a girls precious heart without ever meaning to give any commitment beyond an acquaintance.

Sounds like a pretty pathetic one sided friendship to me and that is no friendship, putting it bluntly. Don't be a fool. Confront him on what he is doing, and if he is genuinely a friend he will honourably stop what he is doing (or ask you to be his girlfriend), if not he will get defensive, sneakily lay the blame at your door and deliberately avoid you, which will instantly tell you that he is guilty and knows it.
 
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