Ladies Gossip Circles and the Art of Giving TERRIBLE Advice.

[Liamson]

Ever been in a relationship with a woman who formulates her every move by a committee of her peers?

"Well, I was reading in this book, Christian Dating Relationships for the 22nd Century by Pastor Popular McDollarsigns and he says that I should not be seen in a swim suit by you for at least 3 months after our first date. Sandy and Jillian told me that I shouldn't trust you if you disagreed because it meant that you were the "pig type" that the book talks about."

Have you ever been in a relationship where your GF/BF/WIFE/HUSBAND is getting counsel that leads them to strange conclusions or suspicions?


"Dude, you gotta dump that girl. She's not actively participating in your Bible study and she's been there 3 weeks." "Yeah, Bob is right, there is something wrong with her." "Yeah, she doesn't begin and end every sentence of her prayers with the Lord's name and she doesn't even have a fish on the back of her car."

[Jullianna]

This really sounds like those dating "Rules" everyone talks about. Who makes that stuff up?

If I'm in a relationship with someone, I would really rather talk with HIM than anyone else about my concerns....after I've determined that they are legit concerns. I share a lot here because it's anonymous and it might help someone, but when I'm in a relationship with someone, I prefer to keep my private business private. My real life friends know very little about my personal business. I prefer it that way.

[CatWoman]

Hi Liamson, It looks like you know ill advice when you see it. It sounds like the advice you are getting is from people who pick things apart. i mean some people annellize every thing you do and say.For example I was going out with this guy and I moved from my cusins house into my own apartment. I had mentioned to my boyfriend that I had to make a trip to the store so I can buy some pots and pans so I could cook, He had come over and I was baking something in the oven with a glass dish.He said I purposley deceived him and he wanted to know what I was up to that I was baking something in the oven when I said I have nothing to cook with.In my defence I said I have no pots or pans to cook with.and the arguement went on and on. And another day I took a poetry book out of the library by a black female auther, I told him I would like us to walk down to the park by the lake and sit under a tree and read my poetry book.His anwer was " I question your sudden interist in black poetry"He said it like he was jeluise.accusing me of cheating on him with some black guy.???? How does one figure that out?That doesnt make sence.

[CatWoman]

PS. If you want good advice on anything ask your parents. No body on this earth loves you more than them, They will not stear you wrong.

[kayem77]

Who has a fish on the back of the car? hahaha

Btw I totally agree...that's why sometimes I don't seek for advice unless I trust the person and that person understands me. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate advice, but I've learned that sometimes it's just more confusing to me...and then some people start being legalistic about specific rules that worked for them but they don't know if they will work for you.
We women (not all) tend to overthink and read between the lines of every single action and that leads us to seek advice from...questionable sources haha.

[CC_Bride]

There are principles and methods. The principles should always come from the bible and the methods is the flexibility in how we practice them. Sounds like these people you are referring to are making the methods the principles.

Women who read too many christianese self help books should instead look for an original book that teaches you how to grow in discernment and gives examples like say.. the bible!

LOL

[CC_Bride]

This is why I say to single people - Never get your dating advice from your other single friends! What the heck do they know? As Mark Driscoll once said, those types of friends chasing dates and failing is like a dog chasing a fire truck, once they catch up with it they don't know what to do with it.

[CC_Bride]

Originally Posted by CatWoman

And another day I took a poetry book out of the library by a black female auther, I told him I would like us to walk down to the park by the lake and sit under a tree and read my poetry book.His anwer was " I question your sudden interist in black poetry"He said it like he was jeluise.accusing me of cheating on him with some black guy.???? How does one figure that out?That doesnt make sence.

He sounds more like a closet racist than someone suspicious of cheating, only I think he was trying to hide and make it look like your fault.

[CatWoman]

He was a mentally ill person and I tried to help him. He always thought I was cheating on him and I never did. If I was talking to a guy at church he would stand behind me where I could not see him and make faces at the guy. A friend of mine told me thats how I found out. He did a lot of weird and scarry things.After I broke up with him he stalked me at church.The church didnt want to do a thing about it. They told me to make out a police report.That was in 1997 and back then the police wernt going to do any thing unless he hurt me.Now they would because the laws have changed.So I stopped going to that church. I will never, ever again try and help out some guy like I tryed to help him. Adults need to work out there own problems, its a learning prosses. Besides that he never asked for my help.

[Jullianna]

Originally Posted by CC_Bride

There are principles and methods. The principles should always come from the bible and the methods is the flexibility in how we practice them. Sounds like these people you are referring to are making the methods the principles.

Women who read too many christianese self help books should instead look for an original book that teaches you how to grow in discernment and gives examples like say.. the bible!

LOL

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[CC_Bride]

One other thing that cropped to mind is womens bible study/prayer groups. The purpose is very good, but Ive heard of experiences from friends and others where these church based groups were nothing more than gossip circles (colloquially we call them 'B** n stitch' groups), and a chance for women to vent their frustration at their husbands with sympathetic listeners. That also can have a good purpose if its done properly, but in those instances the only end result is women enabling other women to feel self righteous and smug over their husbands quirks or sins while not even discussing where they may need to repent as well. Additionally their encouraging that culture of subtley disrespecting their husband and his position in the community especially if every woman in church knows his personal issues which the wife should have honoured to keep private or only discuss with an elder who is discrete and biblically over the husband in headship.

The last issue Ive had to dealt with is mothers and female relatives. If your family is like mine where there is no such thing as keeping a secret, or private opinions you'll know what I mean. For example I dearly love my mother and she has been my #1 best friend my entire life until I married then she became #2. Since Ive been married I discovered my husband is a bit weird in the kitchen. He can cook, its just that what he cooks is very out of the ordinary and isnt the 1950's housewife meals I was fed and taught. He loves experimenting with his spice rack and slow cooker. This isn't a sin but a quirk. Since my mother comes for tea once a week, on one occasion it was my husbands turn to cook, and by the end of the (weird) meal, in the most subtle way she insulted his cooking (while turning it into some kind of comedic joke), and when the two of us were alone together she asked that only I cook when she comes over. I didn't think much of it, since I cook 5 out of 7 days of the week usually, and I do admit hes no Gordon Ramsay but I accept what he makes and I shut up and eat it. So it didnt actually anger me until I was visiting my mums house where her sister (my aunt) also lives, to collect some of her lemons when my aunt brings up my husband in conversation and literally starts having a huge laugh about him and his cooking as told by my mother. This really angered me since my aunt not only doesn't cook but shes a total slob and she has no right to laugh at my husband being odd and creative in the kitchen for his own pleasure.

To my own shame I didn't rebuke her, I just refused to answer her and walked off. Oh so mature I know. I wish I had said something now..

[Catlynn]

Originally Posted by Liamson

Ever been in a relationship with a woman who formulates her every move by a committee of her peers?

"Well, I was reading in this book, Christian Dating Relationships for the 22nd Century by Pastor Popular McDollarsigns and he says that I should not be seen in a swim suit by you for at least 3 months after our first date. Sandy and Jillian told me that I shouldn't trust you if you disagreed because it meant that you were the "pig type" that the book talks about."

Have you ever been in a relationship where your GF/BF/WIFE/HUSBAND is getting counsel that leads them to strange conclusions or suspicions?


"Dude, you gotta dump that girl. She's not actively participating in your Bible study and she's been there 3 weeks." "Yeah, Bob is right, there is something wrong with her." "Yeah, she doesn't begin and end every sentence of her prayers with the Lord's name and she doesn't even have a fish on the back of her car."

Nope. Can't say that I have.

While I do think that wise counsel can be very important sometimes, that should be with only one person or perhaps a couple that you trust and not about every little thing. First and foremost everything should be brought before the Lord and then, depending on where you are in your relationship and if the timing is appropriate, openly and honestly communicate with your significant other.
That's my take on it at least. It sucks that gossip can be everywhere we turn in a church at times when we, as Christians, should be praying for one another and bringing it all before the Lord rather than a committee. :/

[Catlynn]

Oops. Double post.

[Pheonix]

Originally Posted by CatWoman

PS. If you want good advice on anything ask your parents. No body on this earth loves you more than them, They will not stear you wrong.

And what if your parents have broken every rule and done everything wrong in there lives????