Dating... With Children.
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I am quite realistic that I will more than likely remain single. I understand that there are guys out there that would be open to pursueing something with a women that has children from a previous relationship.
It is not like my children are older like in high school and will be out on their own soon....they are small. (5, 6, and 7) That is a lot to take on. That is an instant family. etc We (my children and I) are a package deal, and I would not consider a relationship with anyone that would not be beneficial for ALL of us. Doing something that just made me happy would be quite selfish. (in my opinion)
As far as how I would handle it if I were to meet someone and a relationship would develop. I am not sure what the time frame would be, but I would not introduce them for quite some time. I have known some people that go on *dates* often and the children see the guys come and go etc....and I don't want to presume what it presents to them....but to me, that is not the example I want for my kids.
I try not to think about this very often, because even though I say I am realistic....it does not make it any easier.
I have a good life with my children though..and no room to complain.
It is not like my children are older like in high school and will be out on their own soon....they are small. (5, 6, and 7) That is a lot to take on. That is an instant family. etc We (my children and I) are a package deal, and I would not consider a relationship with anyone that would not be beneficial for ALL of us. Doing something that just made me happy would be quite selfish. (in my opinion)
As far as how I would handle it if I were to meet someone and a relationship would develop. I am not sure what the time frame would be, but I would not introduce them for quite some time. I have known some people that go on *dates* often and the children see the guys come and go etc....and I don't want to presume what it presents to them....but to me, that is not the example I want for my kids.
I try not to think about this very often, because even though I say I am realistic....it does not make it any easier.
I have a good life with my children though..and no room to complain.
Hi Grace,
It's good to see you here--I've seen some of your posts and heard you in the chat rooms... I was really hoping you would see this thread and post your thoughts. When I started dating the aforementioned boyfriend with 2 boys... they were 18 mo. and 4 years. It was definitely hard because as you said, it was an instant family, but in some ways, I think there were certain unique... advantages? Special opportunities? I'm not sure how to word it... because they were so small. For instance, we bonded over coloring pictures together... bike rides... doing crafts... things that teens and young adults would roll their eyes at, most likely. Of course, it was a very different situation as it was... their mother had passed away a year earlier so the younger one never even knew her. I didn't have some of the problems I hear others with blended families talk about--for instance, the kids never told me, "You can't tell us what to do, you're not our mother," (though they never called me Mommy either.) Although my relationship with the father was horrible, I am thankful for some very special moments, such as, when the little one began to talk. He couldn't say, "Kim," so he would hold out his arms to me and say, "Eem! Eem! My Eeem!" It was very hard for me to leave that situation and I pray that the boys will come to understand in time that it wasn't their fault in any way that I left. Less than a year after I left that situation, the father lost custody (they went to their mother's parents). I see the boys every once in a blue moon where I work (they're 10 and 12 now... so hard to believe) and they still come up and hug me. It tears at my heart because I wish I could have kept some kind of relationship with them... to be able to take them out to the movies or something now and then... but I can't because their father would see that as an excuse to latch on to me. I tried to keep in touch with just the kids at first, but their father would show up constantly... leaving me drunken messages on my phone... calling me from jail to bail him out... he and his kids had lenient access to my house while I was at work... so when I broke up with him, he refused to give my keys back so I basically had to steal back my own keys to my house and car. I pray often that the boys won't be further damaged by my choices and I hope they'll remember me with at least one or two positive memories.
It's good to see you here--I've seen some of your posts and heard you in the chat rooms... I was really hoping you would see this thread and post your thoughts. When I started dating the aforementioned boyfriend with 2 boys... they were 18 mo. and 4 years. It was definitely hard because as you said, it was an instant family, but in some ways, I think there were certain unique... advantages? Special opportunities? I'm not sure how to word it... because they were so small. For instance, we bonded over coloring pictures together... bike rides... doing crafts... things that teens and young adults would roll their eyes at, most likely. Of course, it was a very different situation as it was... their mother had passed away a year earlier so the younger one never even knew her. I didn't have some of the problems I hear others with blended families talk about--for instance, the kids never told me, "You can't tell us what to do, you're not our mother," (though they never called me Mommy either.) Although my relationship with the father was horrible, I am thankful for some very special moments, such as, when the little one began to talk. He couldn't say, "Kim," so he would hold out his arms to me and say, "Eem! Eem! My Eeem!" It was very hard for me to leave that situation and I pray that the boys will come to understand in time that it wasn't their fault in any way that I left. Less than a year after I left that situation, the father lost custody (they went to their mother's parents). I see the boys every once in a blue moon where I work (they're 10 and 12 now... so hard to believe) and they still come up and hug me. It tears at my heart because I wish I could have kept some kind of relationship with them... to be able to take them out to the movies or something now and then... but I can't because their father would see that as an excuse to latch on to me. I tried to keep in touch with just the kids at first, but their father would show up constantly... leaving me drunken messages on my phone... calling me from jail to bail him out... he and his kids had lenient access to my house while I was at work... so when I broke up with him, he refused to give my keys back so I basically had to steal back my own keys to my house and car. I pray often that the boys won't be further damaged by my choices and I hope they'll remember me with at least one or two positive memories.
S
kim that is so sad! Im so sorry.... that must have been just awful for you...... im sure those boys will have good memories of you.. You spent time with them, doing things with them... not just shoving them off to the side when there father dropped them off.... My mom used to drop me off at random peoples houses when i was a child.... most of them really horrible people.. but there was always this one woman that i really loved because she was so nice to me, when no one else was.. so i can guarantee those boys will think back on you and have nothing but good memories..
Sam, thank you so much. That really means a lot to me because I really did love the boys and miss them. They taught me so much. I made a lot of mistakes with them.. being angry over things that were not that fault. I remember I was so angry one day when their father had left them with me... I started yelling, and I broke down crying and apologizing to them. They didn't understand, of course, and the little one just started crying too and put his arms around me as if to say, "It's ok, Eem, I forgive you," which made me cry even harder!! I am very sorry for the way your mother treated you... I'm glad that at least one woman favored you though and gave you some of the attention you deserved. And you sound like an awesome father to your own daughter as well. Goodness knows this world needs to treasure good parents!
J
I think it has gotten to a point in dating even as adults christian or none the maturity level has dropped. I have tried dating after my spit up and it doesnt work out with any one i meet i have 2 awesome kids, so i tried dating woman with kids thinking hey it would be alot less complicated and drama free. but i was wrong. i am a complete gentleman (i was raised to treat woman with respect) and it always ends with "Your just too nice". Always. Dating has got alot stranger and confussing. I am almost to the point (even though its not what i want) of giving up on finding anyone. But it is what it is i guess.