Dating: A Family Affair? (a.k.a Does Mama Come Along on Your Dates?)

[seoulsearch]

Hello Everybody,

What has your experience been as far as getting along with the families of the people you've dated and/or had relationships with? Have you ever left someone/ been left by someone because you did not get along with their family or he/she did not get along with your family? Would you marry someone your family did not like (or whose family you did not like)? Would you stay with someone whose family does not like you? What about if there was a race difference and there was prejudice on one side or both because of it?

I've had mixed experiences--a few occasions where a guy would tell me he liked me, then experience heat from his friends or family because I was a different race, and consequently proceeded to act like I didn't exist the next day because of it.

When I was about 18, I became engaged to my high school boyfriend... but eventually decided to end it because his mother was bent on controlling me (because she had full control over her own children and expected me to fall at her feet as well.) I understand proper respect, but with her, it was a full dictatorship.

Here is one small example: my boyfriend was only a few years older and still living at home--she was paying part of his car insurance for him because he had several other bills--when we would want to go somewhere (such as, to my brother's place an hour away) she didn't want us to go, she would threaten to stop paying for his insurance, etc. Anything we did or didn't do that did or didn't meet her approval was met with some sort of threat. Because he never stood up to her (and yet absolutely bowled over everyone else with his own opinions, which is why my friends didn't like him), and would never cut the umbilical cord even when he did finally get his own place, and because I saw how she treated his sister, her husband, and their children... for this and many other reasons, I decided to get out. I did not want to have a family being raised by her control or manipulated by her threats, and he was unwilling to be away from her or stand up to her.

Mothers always seem to love me until they see me as competition for their son's attention (my ex-mother-in-law tried to stop our wedding, telling everyone I was "evil"--well... .) Maybe I should have let her and it would have saved some grief...

Anyway!! What do you all think? How important of a role does family play (both theirs and your own) in whom you would choose as a significant other or a spouse?

[1still_waters]

Move far enough away that the in laws are only an issue on holidays and special occasions.

If there is total conflict between a 'date' and the family, then yeah that's a deal breaker. You're not just marrying a person, you're marrying the family. Now if the guy/gal has a psycho mom or dad, that might not be a deal breaker. Like I said, distance can do wonders. And only dealing with psychos a few times a year ain't that big a deal if ya love the person enough.

[1still_waters]

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.(emphasis added by 1still_waters)

That means, if mother in law is a psycho and is influencing stuff or father in law is a psycho and influening stuff, make a clean break for it. LEAVE!! Create distance so they aren't a huge influence. It doesn't mean don't associate with the family, but if they are so close to you emotionally or distance wise that they can influence things, it's a sign that there hasn't been a true LEAVING from the parents and a true "UNITED TO HIS WIFE" going on.

Seoul, I know you are going to find this utterly unbelievable and shocking, but I have lots of stories about this!!! lol!!

[seoulsearch]

Originally Posted by 1still_waters

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.(emphasis added by 1still_waters)

That means, if mother in law is a psycho and is influencing stuff or father in law is a psycho and influening stuff, make a clean break for it. LEAVE!! Create distance so they aren't a huge influence. It doesn't mean don't associate with the family, but if they are so close to you emotionally or distance wise that they can influence things, it's a sign that there hasn't been a true LEAVING from the parents and a true "UNITED TO HIS WIFE" going on.

Amen, StillWaters... Amen.


And yes, Musical... you can imagine my SHOCK and HORROR at the fact that you, too, have experience with these problems (so let's here it, girl.)

I'm just amazed that by the age of 25, you've racked up more stories and experience than I probably will in a lifetime (and I'm 10 years ahead of you!)

[seoulsearch]

Originally Posted by 1still_waters

Move far enough away that the in laws are only an issue on holidays and special occasions.

If there is total conflict between a 'date' and the family, then yeah that's a deal breaker. You're not just marrying a person, you're marrying the family. Now if the guy/gal has a psycho mom or dad, that might not be a deal breaker. Like I said, distance can do wonders. And only dealing with psychos a few times a year ain't that big a deal if ya love the person enough.

P.S. My in-laws were literally on the other side of the world and the distance still wasn't far enough (another weird but true story--I never met my mother-in-law in person--only through letters and once on the phone.)

Originally Posted by seoulsearch

Amen, StillWaters... Amen.


And yes, Musical... you can imagine my SHOCK and HORROR at the fact that you, too, have experience with these problems (so let's here it, girl.)

I'm just amazed that by the age of 25, you've racked up more stories and experience than I probably will in a lifetime (and I'm 10 years ahead of you!)

Well, for anyone who was counting in the say-something-nice thread, there were 6 boyfriends... so far...

And except for the first, they were all within the last 7 years.

[seoulsearch]

We're glad you're here, Musical. But instead of starting threads and posting replies, we want you to start holding online seminars on how to get so many dates!! I'd be glad to learn from an expert.

You don't want my advice, Seoul. If you'd been paying any attention to my horror stories, you would realize that I am only an expert on how to attract the wrong guy. I'm still trying to figure out how to attract the right one!

[christiancollegegirl]

Both boyfriends parents loved me. It was just the man himself that I had a problem with.

I've never been on a ''date'' without a member of my family or a girls family there.

The best of my boyfriend's mama stories...

My last boyfriend went into the army. We were together for a couple of months before he left for basic training, and I met his mother for the first time the day he left - at the recruiting station as he was getting in the van to leave. We hit it off well, I liked her and she seemed to like me.

I was able to make arrangements to go to South Carolina for his graduation from basic training, and so was she. I booked a hotel room, she booked a hotel room... but when we got to SC, she made it sort of impossible for me to refuse sharing a hotel room with her (awkward!). Thankfully I didn't have to share a bed with her, that would have just been too weird.

Anyway, I hadn't seen my boyfriend in 10 weeks. We'd talked on the phone twice but otherwise just wrote letters. We were supposed to get to see him most of Friday for family day and then all of Saturday after his graduation, but because of hurricanes they moved the graduation to Friday so we were only going to get to see him for part of that day. Well, we met up after the ceremony, went back to hang out in the hotel room (all three of us) and catch up for a little while. His mom stepped out to give us a little alone time, which was nice. Then we called a cab and went to go have some dinner and went back to the hotel room. She laid down on the bed and took a nap. We went into the bathroom to do a little catching up (aka kissing. And yes, I do mean ONLY kissing). She woke up and FREAKED OUT. She read me the riot act about not giving her any time with her son (which, to be fair, I never slipped off to give them a few moments together and I should have....) but she was saying very ugly things to me and pointing her fake nail in my face.

Thankfully, my boyfriend didn't just sit there and take it but stood up to her and explained that we hadn't done anything wrong - she was napping, so we were spending that time together. She kept telling him he had forgotten where he had come from (her) but he said "... but I've also got to think about my future..." That was the sweetest thing in the middle of an awkward moment.

Anyway, it kind of ruined his graduation day and made things awkward with her and me for a while - we worked it out after he had to go back to base and I also sent her a card later that week. But she always brought it up whenever we were together, which means she probably never really forgave it.

[christiancollegegirl]

I'm glad I never had a chaperone on my dates.

[whiteknite]

Originally Posted by seoulsearch

We're glad you're here, Musical. But instead of starting threads and posting replies, we want you to start holding online seminars on how to get so many dates!! I'd be glad to learn from an expert.

Soeul this is not, I repeat: NOT a dating site. This forum is for much more important postings than dating. Our immortal soul is and should be on our minds here.

Haha Still Waters, good advice. My X before last mother was a , well I'll be nice but you'll see where I'm getting. She would spread lies around their family bout me. Stupid blatant lies that made no sense and for no reason like I wouldn't allow her to wear make up. I love it when a woman is all make up'd out. Why would I do that? I was always nice to her. Needless to say that relationship didn't last.

[seoulsearch]

Originally Posted by whiteknite

Soeul this is not, I repeat: NOT a dating site. This forum is for much more important postings than dating. Our immortal soul is and should be on our minds here.

My purpose was never to turn Christian Chat into a dating site. And yes, of course, as Christians, our heavenly purpose and calling is always on our minds... and with that in focus, in the meantime, we struggle with many things on this earth, as God told us we would.

Loneliness being a very prominent one of them.

I know that loneliness comes in many forms. But I speak from the vantage point that I know about most from personal experience... which would, at this time, be the case of managing everyday life as a single Christian.

The purpose of my threads? To share the things God has taught me over time, experience, and some of my own bad choices--and to welcome others to do the same--so that as we move forward in our lives and God-given assignments, we can make smarter choices... and be more open to what God has for us and is calling us to do.

My apologies to anyone who has misunderstood my point. (Oh, and the name is Seoul, not Soeul. Just thought I'd let you know. Thanks for your concern, Terry.)

Ok now I got to say something here. I maybe new here, but that doesn't make my opinion any less important, or anyone else here more important then me. First of all it seemed to me Seoul was joking when made said statement. If not then it's not that big of a deal. I think any person who comes here has enough common sense to see this is a site for Christians to interact with other Christians and not a dating site. I think the thing people have the hardest time with who are not Christians is thinking that to be a Christian you will look like a Holy Rolly person. They don't understand that we are regular people that have a new heart and desire for the Lord. Putting people on the spot in front of everyone instead of just sending them a message and letting them know is kind of harsh though imo.

[seoulsearch]

Originally Posted by brainfreeze0

Ok now I got to say something here. I maybe new here, but that doesn't make my opinion any less important, or anyone else here more important then me. First of all it seemed to me Seoul was joking when made said statement. If not then it's not that big of a deal. I think any person who comes here has enough common sense to see this is a site for Christians to interact with other Christians and not a dating site. I think the thing people have the hardest time with who are not Christians is thinking that to be a Christian you will look like a Holy Rolly person. They don't understand that we are regular people that have a new heart and desire for the Lord. Putting people on the spot in front of everyone instead of just sending them a message and letting them know is kind of harsh though imo.

Thanks for understanding my sense of humor, Brainfreeze. It's all right, believe me, other users have put me on the spot plenty of times in my threads and posts and I've kind of gotten used to it (sometimes it can be fun or helpful because it will give me ideas for new threads or help me improve my ways of wording a particular thought.)

I do understand that with only typing as a way of leaving my thoughts in the threads, it can be difficult to understand the connotation or implied meanings of the wording or intent at times... and I also know that sometimes my sense of humor is not understood or appreciated... but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. (Actually, I've been trying to tone it down because I know some of our friends in other countries may not understand what I'm trying to say as well and I need to be more sensitive to this.)

I've said this before--I often use humorous titles in order to get people's attention. Hopefully, once they read my posts, they'll have a better understanding of the fact that I'm trying to encourage people to share their experiences and thoughts. In some cases, I've had a few people leave me criticism and they haven't even read my posts, just the titles of my threads... so... it's just one of the risks you take in posting here.

There have also been some very lovely people here as well who were very supportive, and that's why I keep posting.

My pastor has a saying, "Follow the Lord with everything you have, but don't ever be so spiritual that you can't be down-to-earth and unapproachable to others," and I hope I can achieve that goal.

By the way, Brainfreeze--welcome to Christian Chat... hope to see more of your posts as well. And thanks again!! (I felt very encouraged.)

You know I was gonna put that in my last reply but opted not to. Although I always had the qoute "Don't be so heavenly minded your no earthly good, and don't be so earthly minded your no heavenly good"

Thanx for the welcome

Originally Posted by whiteknite

Soeul this is not, I repeat: NOT a dating site. This forum is for much more important postings than dating. Our immortal soul is and should be on our minds here.

Yes, considering this is the "Singles" forum.

I'm hoping you were just kidding...