So You're Divorced and Can't Remarry. What Do You Plan To Do With Your Life?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

In going with some of our talks lately here in singles... I was just curious as to what all the divorced singles who feel they cannot remarry are thinking they are going to do with the rest of their lives? I'm especially interested in hearing from younger singles who are facing the thought of being alone the rest of their lives (and those who are older but have been single for many, many years), but of course, all are welcome.

For myself, after a lot of work with my pastors, I'm not sure that remarriage is completely ruled out for me. But I know that if it is, I couldn't handle that thought at the age of 25 and to tell you the truth, completely flipped out. At 38, sometimes it's still unnerving, but maybe I'm learning to cope (either that or old age is starting to mellow me out.)

Everyone has their own interests--some people are very talented at study and teaching and I really admire that, but that's not really my thing. One of my frustrations in the church is that there is so much talk about what you "should" do but not much talk about what to do when real life happens.

Example: "Keep your kids focused on Jesus and they won't get into drugs." Ok, so you've done all you can do... what happens if your kids still fall into drugs? How do you cope, and how does life go on? And the only answers are, "Well, they should have kept their eye on Jesus," or, "Get them refocused on Jesus and they'll stop." Life is never quite that simple.

I work in a place that involves a lot of ladders. We are always told "the rules" to remain safe and in one piece. But life happens. There have been 3 accidents in our area lately, one in which a person was injured permanently for life. Sometimes, you can follow all "the rules", and sometimes, something happens and you "slip"... So what do you do once your life is permanently altered?

So if your life has been permanently altered by divorce, and you know you will be single without dating or marrying for the rest of your life, what are your dreams, ambitions, and goals? Raising your kids? Dedicating your life to mission work or volunteering? Pouring yourself into a career? Or maybe you're someone who isn't divorced but are happy being single...

I'd love to know the secrets of people who are living life with just themselves and Jesus and know that it will always be just them and Jesus... and are happy that way.

 

[Jilly81]

I'm glad you asked, Kim; I'd wanted a chance to say this without having to start a thread about it. I had asked Jesus to be my Savior when I was very little and I also asked Him to give me the Holy Spirit and all of the accompanying power, like the apostles received in the book of Acts (I wanted to pray for people and see them healed and more; there was so much cool stuff happening then!). I've see some things like that happen in the present day, and I didn't want life to get in the way of a huge ministry. I knew that I'd only be alive for 120 years or so, max, and I wanted Him to be glad to see me when I died. Honestly, ever since I was young I asked Jesus VERY often to let me get to know Him as closely as possible, and to live for Him even if it was painful and not what I wanted. I try to actually spend my whole day doing what He wants me to do; even to the point of praying and asking Him what specific things He wants me to do that day. VERY often something will come to mind that needs to be done that I'd completely forgotten about; it's actually a little bit shocking how much He cares and wants to be a part of our lives (John 10:27, which is "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me"). Don't get me wrong, Kim; I'm not trying to say that you aren't trying to follow Him, and I'm SO imperfect myself. I'm not trying to toot my own horn. I've failed SO many times, at so many things; I didn't do things that I knew I should do, and did things that I knew were wrong. Probably nothing that would shock anyone, that may have been part of why I'm not miserable; the fact that I didn't do anything in the physical fornication department, drugs, etc. I'm not really sure, but I would think that if I had, it surely would take a lot more healing time to get over it. At times I felt like I'd be miserable without a husband. I'm ecstatic that Jesus and ministry has taken the place of a man. I actually asked Him to do that for me; I hated the thought of being that depressed single girl and having to be lonely when the other girls got to be married. This is not to say that I NEVER feel any type of loneliness; don't get me wrong. More than once I prayed "Jesus, I know that this is what You have for me right now, but I feel so sad that I need to just let You hold me; I'm not sure what else to do". It worked .

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I plan on becoming the crazy cat lady

 

[Snackersmom]

Hey, Kim!

To be honest, I don't think I would have handled it very well if I was told at 25 that there was no chance I'd ever get married. So, you aren't alone there

For years, I sort of "hoped in" marriage....I guess I'm sort of wired that way, an in-grained "need to be needed" (or, wanted, at the very least). I looked for Mr. Right in just about every guy I met, and it was only making me miserable.

To make a long story short, God used a situation in my life to bring to my attention just how much my desire for human affirmation was affecting me. And I realized that I would never be truly happy if I continued to hope in something that might never be (just because there aren't any biblical restrictions on me getting married, doesn't mean that it's what God wants).

So, I gave it to Jesus. I told Him that if marriage just wasn't what He had for me, then so be it. I also asked Him to make me content with that decision, and for the most part, He has (although I'm not going to lie...loneliness and self-doubt can still creep in. When they do, I know that's when I need to lean on Him all the more). The older I get, the more I realize that He really is a father to the orphan, and a husband to not only the widow, but also the divorcees, and the crazy hopeless-romatic girls who wanted a family of their own more than anything else on the planet

If we bother to seek His grace, we find that it really is sufficient. And there's a lot of peace in that discovery

Anyway.....after giving up on marriage (I still don't know if it's part of His plan for me), I was able to focus more on what The Lord wanted, rather than what I wanted. God has brought some really awesome teenagers into my life that maybe needed an older person to help keep them headed in the right direction, and sometimes I wonder if they've actually helped me more than I've helped them. I guess that's what edification is all about, though....right?

At this point, even though I love kids and always wanted to be a mom, I really don't feel the need to have any of my own, even if I were to get married. It kind of makes me think of the verse "Delight yourself in the Lord your God, and He will give you the desires of your heart". When I really tried to delight myself in Him, He actually gave me new desires, and a lot of the things that used to seem important lost their pull......if that makes sense .

 

[zaoman32]

Hey, Kim!

To be honest, I don't think I would have handled it very well if I was told at 25 that there was no chance I'd ever get married. So, you aren't alone there

For years, I sort of "hoped in" marriage....I guess I'm sort of wired that way, an in-grained "need to be needed" (or, wanted, at the very least). I looked for Mr. Right in just about every guy I met, and it was only making me miserable.

To make a long story short, God used a situation in my life to bring to my attention just how much my desire for human affirmation was affecting me. And I realized that I would never be truly happy if I continued to hope in something that might never be (just because there aren't any biblical restrictions on me getting married, doesn't mean that it's what God wants).

So, I gave it to Jesus. I told Him that if marriage just wasn't what He had for me, then so be it. I also asked Him to make me content with that decision, and for the most part, He has (although I'm not going to lie...loneliness and self-doubt can still creep in. When they do, I know that's when I need to lean on Him all the more). The older I get, the more I realize that He really is a father to the orphan, and a husband to not only the widow, but also the divorcees, and the crazy hopeless-romatic girls who wanted a family of their own more than anything else on the planet

If we bother to seek His grace, we find that it really is sufficient. And there's a lot of peace in that discovery

Anyway.....after giving up on marriage (I still don't know if it's part of His plan for me), I was able to focus more on what The Lord wanted, rather than what I wanted. God has brought some really awesome teenagers into my life that maybe needed an older person to help keep them headed in the right direction, and sometimes I wonder if they've actually helped me more than I've helped them. I guess that's what edification is all about, though....right?

At this point, even though I love kids and always wanted to be a mom, I really don't feel the need to have any of my own, even if I were to get married. It kind of makes me think of the verse "Delight yourself in the Lord your God, and He will give you the desires of your heart". When I really tried to delight myself in Him, He actually gave me new desires, and a lot of the things that used to seem important lost their pull......if that makes sense .

I really wanted to put something smart alecy and funny as a response, but after reading this post and the one by Jilly, God started pointing out this really common theme I have been noticing lately, and usually when that happens it's time to listen up.

Thank you very much to Jilly and Snackersmom for opening your hearts and being genuine and honest in your answers. I've really been wanting someone else in my life, and even though I haven't been as urgent in seeking anyone lately, you've let me know that it's Jesus who wants and needs to fill up this missing hole in my life. So again, thank you ladies very much.

So if I wasn't to ever get married again (just because I can't stop myself) I'd really really really really really really want to be one of those cranky crotchety old men who sits on their porch and yells at those darn teenagers, and wave my cane around at them, heck I might still do that even if I'm married.

 

[seoulsearch]

Jilly and Snackers!! You gals are awesome I wish I could have faith and contentment as strong as yours.

Many people have read my stories so I hate to bore anyone to death but in my times of singledom I've done a lot of studying and various volunteer work. I do know about asking God what He would have you do. There have been three times in my life where I had been awarded scholarship money (around $2000 each time, for a total of nearly $6000) and every time, God told me to give it way (first to my pastor's specific ministry; second to a couple whose young relative had just died and they needed money to attend her funeral; and third, to a couple adopting a child.) Believe me, it was NOT NOT NOT easy and I fought with God the whole way!!!! He wasn't shy about reminding me that anything I was given was because of Him in the first place. And as you said, Jilly, I don't mention it to say anything good about myself, but rather, illustrate the hold God has on me as far as keeping me in a close relationship with Him. I just have a tendency to get frustrated and stray (but my idea of straying generally means I isolate myself from everyone.)

I've also spent a lot of time writing and visiting inmates (nothing like corresponding with a 22-year-old who already has a history of molesting children and says, "I won't stop when I get out unless I get some sort of 'help,'" to snap a person into reality.) To tell you the truth, I really miss it but my pastors at the time were not comfortable with it, so out of obedience, I tried to move to other things. I miss it though and have been looking for another prison ministry to join.

I really, really admire you ladies and thank you so much for not only your compassion, but willingness to share. Hearing other people's stories is what motivates me to keep trying.


And... like Zao, I can't resist the "other side" of my personality as well... I must express my extreme disappointment that Nod has already monopolized being the crazy cat lady ("Hey, give me a couple of those cats!!" Oops... I'm allergic...) and now Zao has called dibs on being the cantankerous cane-snapper... WHAT THE HECK DID YOU TWO LEAVE FOR ANY OF THE REST OF US???!!!

I suppose all that leaves for me is crusin' around in my golf cart while hoping those whallopping speeds of say, 21 miles per hour won't knock out my dentures!!

 

[zaoman32]

Jilly and Snackers!! You gals are awesome I wish I could have faith and contentment as strong as yours.

Many people have read my stories so I hate to bore anyone to death but in my times of singledom I've done a lot of studying and various volunteer work. I do know about asking God what He would have you do. There have been three times in my life where I had been awarded scholarship money (around $2000 each time, for a total of nearly $6000) and every time, God told me to give it way (first to my pastor's specific ministry; second to a couple whose young relative had just died and they needed money to attend her funeral; and third, to a couple adopting a child.) Believe me, it was NOT NOT NOT easy and I fought with God the whole way!!!! He wasn't shy about reminding me that anything I was given was because of Him in the first place. And as you said, Jilly, I don't mention it to say anything good about myself, but rather, illustrate the hold God has on me as far as keeping me in a close relationship with Him. I just have a tendency to get frustrated and stray (but my idea of straying generally means I isolate myself from everyone.)

I've also spent a lot of time writing and visiting inmates (nothing like corresponding with a 22-year-old who already has a history of molesting children and says, "I won't stop when I get out unless I get some sort of 'help,'" to snap a person into reality.) To tell you the truth, I really miss it but my pastors at the time were not comfortable with it, so out of obedience, I tried to move to other things. I miss it though and have been looking for another prison ministry to join.

I really, really admire you ladies and thank you so much for not only your compassion, but willingness to share. Hearing other people's stories is what motivates me to keep trying.


And... like Zao, I can't resist the "other side" of my personality as well... I must express my extreme disappointment that Nod has already monopolized being the crazy cat lady ("Hey, give me a couple of those cats!!" Oops... I'm allergic...) and now Zao has called dibs on being the cantankerous cane-snapper... WHAT THE HECK DID YOU TWO LEAVE FOR ANY OF THE REST OF US???!!!

I suppose all that leaves for me is crusin' around in my golf cart while hoping those whallopping speeds of say, 21 miles per hour won't knock out my dentures!!

You could always be a crazy lady that argues and yells at herself in public.

There's also always the stinky person in the store that you can smell from the next aisle over option, but who would want to put themselves through that torment?

 

[Jullianna]

Hey, Kim!

To be honest, I don't think I would have handled it very well if I was told at 25 that there was no chance I'd ever get married. So, you aren't alone there

For years, I sort of "hoped in" marriage....I guess I'm sort of wired that way, an in-grained "need to be needed" (or, wanted, at the very least). I looked for Mr. Right in just about every guy I met, and it was only making me miserable.

To make a long story short, God used a situation in my life to bring to my attention just how much my desire for human affirmation was affecting me. And I realized that I would never be truly happy if I continued to hope in something that might never be (just because there aren't any biblical restrictions on me getting married, doesn't mean that it's what God wants).

So, I gave it to Jesus. I told Him that if marriage just wasn't what He had for me, then so be it. I also asked Him to make me content with that decision, and for the most part, He has (although I'm not going to lie...loneliness and self-doubt can still creep in. When they do, I know that's when I need to lean on Him all the more). The older I get, the more I realize that He really is a father to the orphan, and a husband to not only the widow, but also the divorcees, and the crazy hopeless-romatic girls who wanted a family of their own more than anything else on the planet

If we bother to seek His grace, we find that it really is sufficient. And there's a lot of peace in that discovery

Anyway.....after giving up on marriage (I still don't know if it's part of His plan for me), I was able to focus more on what The Lord wanted, rather than what I wanted. God has brought some really awesome teenagers into my life that maybe needed an older person to help keep them headed in the right direction, and sometimes I wonder if they've actually helped me more than I've helped them. I guess that's what edification is all about, though....right?

At this point, even though I love kids and always wanted to be a mom, I really don't feel the need to have any of my own, even if I were to get married. It kind of makes me think of the verse "Delight yourself in the Lord your God, and He will give you the desires of your heart". When I really tried to delight myself in Him, He actually gave me new desires, and a lot of the things that used to seem important lost their pull......if that makes sense .

I'm so glad you said this and I had to call attention to it because there are so many women out there who don't know this yet. And they need to. <3

 

[Snackersmom]

I'm so glad you said this and I had to call attention to it because there are so many women out there who don't know this yet. And they need to. <3

Thank you so much for saying that, Julianna. The part you mentioned really got to me when I typed it....sometimes you have to remind yourself of things you already know, ya know?

To Zaoman: Well, glad it helped, because I was kinda reluctant to say that much, but I felt like I should. All His best for you and the direction your life takes, you seem like a cool dude who's interested in following Jesus Now GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!!!!!!

Miss Kim: I hope I didn't present too much of an "I've got it all together" facade......I'm not going to lie, singleness can hurt sometimes. I guess marriage can to, though, can't it? Even if both parties are following The Lord, we're still human, and we do stupid & insensitive things. Jesus never said life would be easy, but He did say that His strength is made perfect in weakness....it's the times when we feel weakest that we can feel His strength more perfectly. If we never hurt, how could He show us His care? We just have to remember to ask for it

Anyway, I hope you find contentment about your situation, regardless of what path your life takes. It might sound like I gave up marriage as a gift to God, but in reality it was a gift to myself. Besides, I wouldn't have been happy in a marriage that was outside of His will. He knows what He's doing


Also, just a quick shout-out to all the super-cool guys here on CC who recognize that it isn't always easy to be female. Y'alls sensitivity, encouragement, and humor mean FAR more to us girls than you realize. On behalf of all the Singles forum females, I thank you!

 

[Chrissy77]

Hey, Kim!

At this point, even though I love kids and always wanted to be a mom, I really don't feel the need to have any of my own, even if I were to get married. It kind of makes me think of the verse "Delight yourself in the Lord your God, and He will give you the desires of your heart". When I really tried to delight myself in Him, He actually gave me new desires, and a lot of the things that used to seem important lost their pull......if that makes sense .

You can always adopt me!! I am told I look in my late 20's so we can say I am your sister who needs taking care of. I feel 18 still so we can even go with that.

 

[BarlyGurl]

I am sad for those of you who would like to married but have been convinced by who-ever that you can't.

 

[Jilly81]

After reading the posts proceeding mine I realized quite a few things. One, I need to use better paragraph dividers; my post looked pretty hard to read compared to the next ones. Two, a big "THANK YOU !" to Zaoman for letting me know that he appreciated my post and heart outpouring .

I also think that it sounds like great fun to sit on the porch and holler at the teenagers. Yes, Zay technically grabbed it first, Kim, but we can all amuse ourselves this way, can't we? I suppose it's a bad witness to yell at the youngsters to their faces. In reality they need the Gospel, but I would like to blow off some steam, so let's just start a thread about it; in this thread we will say what's really on our minds and perhaps keep from becoming crotchety old people some day. It was Zay's idea, so you start the thread, okay, Zaoman? I believe I see a young lady who needs to be told to go put some clothes on, and a guy whose piercings are a severe health hazard, so I'll try to make the next post.

Thank you for saying that about me and SnackersMom, Kim . I wasn't trying to say that you weren't seeking the Lord. I suppose I was ...... hmm, now I'm not sure. I think it was just on my heart to type those things, so I did. Also, I think I was trying to mention the WAY in which I sought Him; I think that I was hoping to give a tip, like saying that I tried to be led by Him in even the little things. A lot of times I'll be led to go in the chat room and there's someone there who needs help. I suspect that that would be a good way to help a teen or early-twenties girl who has been incarcerated; there's surely an online prison ministry somewhere. It would also be safer for you in addition to being easier and less expensive. Also, a lot of the people I talk to open up a lot more when they're talking to someone online. I hope that none of that sounds condescending; I don't mean it that way, big sis <3 .

 

[Jilly81]

Now, I did want to agree with SnackersMom about the guys who I'm friends with on this site who make it a lot of fun to be single; it's like having extra brothers. So, to those of you who are nice, I love you! And no, I didn't forget to say it in my previous post, I just didn't want my post to be all TL;DNR and have it missed.

 

[seoulsearch]

Jilly--NO worries, lil' sis

I am always thankful for people who are willing to share their life and experiences. I learned a lot from your post--it was especially touching to me that you and Snackers feel the way you do and aren't... (does it sound terrible?) 70 years old .

I just mean that this is one of my frustrations as well--while I can certainly learn from the wisdom of others, it also brings things sharply into focus when I hear from people who have (just being real) 50-60 years of their lives left and still feel they'll be ok as a single. WOW!! It's hard for me to even think about. But you gals inspire me and challenge me to kick up my faith a few more notches.

 

[Jullianna]

I really wanted to put something smart alecy and funny as a response, but after reading this post and the one by Jilly, God started pointing out this really common theme I have been noticing lately, and usually when that happens it's time to listen up.

Thank you very much to Jilly and Snackersmom for opening your hearts and being genuine and honest in your answers. I've really been wanting someone else in my life, and even though I haven't been as urgent in seeking anyone lately, you've let me know that it's Jesus who wants and needs to fill up this missing hole in my life. So again, thank you ladies very much.

So if I wasn't to ever get married again (just because I can't stop myself) I'd really really really really really really want to be one of those cranky crotchety old men who sits on their porch and yells at those darn teenagers, and wave my cane around at them, heck I might still do that even if I'm married.

Are you related to that curmudgeonly Stillwaters? Maybe y'all can be roomies

 

[Powemm]

I really thought after my divorce I was done in for, god says no, I'm not done with you yet chelle... I have spent many months alone ... The group of friends I had are gone ...,heading in a different direction.. I looked backwards in what was leaving and looking ahead at uncertainty... I won't lie I thought at 42 I was heading to no mans land .... Alone... Gods word has brought such reassurance in this journey... And with yielding and waiting Nd drawing closer in His relationship with me.. I have grown to know Him more deeply. I can tell those who may be coming into this or have thought about being in such a place, it is anything "but" what I thought it would be... since resting and accepting the place He has brought me too , he has also dine exactly what His word says... in this resting period He has rejuvenated many broken places I didn't know existed inside me... He has brought people across my path that I have either recieved am assignment or was the assignment for them. Three you girls amd an elderly woman who's husband is on bedrest, etc... the friendships that are developing from this is beyond any I have tried to cultivate on my own,.. sweeter, purer, mire satisfying... when I come to the end of myself and let God, an expansion of who He is grows within... Life threw some very hard balls and left me with fear if connecting honestly with people . I wore masks that I could not see out if and now the masks are off... Being exactly who God made me to be without fear of being rejected in it any more.. I no longer" seek out" friendships, but instead , wait in God and allow Him to show me when, who and where and to what extent I share Him with them .. Sharing what He's done in the breaking down of all I wanted and reconstructed into what He wants... that old saying about letting go and letting God is so true ... I am no longer focused on what I want... My focus is in asking what God wants.. How , what, when and where and with whom.... it's a fine dance where God is teaching me ever so gently that He really can lead , direct, and guide me... I dint know about anyone else but I know for myself I never realized how string the flesh tries to go against the spirit until now... buy the spirit man is now over riding the flesh ... the old man is passing away and taking second fiddle to Jesus Christ who is Lord and master now over the flesh.. ... in singleness there is a calling by God to us... He brings us to it to reveal more of who He is to us... There is much contentment in Him to sustain any linliness one might think being here... there is no loneliness in fact, no ... no loneliness in it at all... .

 

[Chrissy77]

First off I want to apologize, if in my previous post in this thread, I appeared unfeeling. I wasn't going to post anything serious in here because I know that my view seems to differ from many on here regarding remarriage and I did not want this thread to turn into a controversy.

To you, Snackersmom,I say I am sorry if it seemed I made light of your comments about children.

Seoul thank you for starting this thread and for being completely open! Those of you who are strong in your faith and your desire to remain single I commend you.

 

[Snackersmom]

You can always adopt me!! I am told I look in my late 20's so we can say I am your sister who needs taking care of. I feel 18 still so we can even go with that.

Oh, gosh, no, Chrissy you didn't sound insensitive at all! Don't second-guess yourself like that, you sound like me, for goodness' sake! I was just reading through the comments and getting ready to respond to your post with this:

Since I could actually pass for 16 (maybe younger), maybe YOU should adopt ME, and I'll adopt your kids, and your kids can adopt Snackers. Then, after your kids grow up, we'll both move to Seoulsearch's retirement community, turbo-charge a golf cart for each of us (sorry Kim, the dentures can ride in a jar in your cupholder, it's going to be 45 mph MINIMUM ), and we can terrorize Nod's cats, then take off down the block to do spin-outs in Zaoman's front yard. First one to get clocked with a cane wins!

 

[Chrissy77]

Oh, gosh, no, Chrissy you didn't sound insensitive at all! Don't second-guess yourself like that, you sound like me, for goodness' sake! I was just reading through the comments and getting ready to respond to your post with this:

Since I could actually pass for 16 (maybe younger), maybe YOU should adopt ME, and I'll adopt your kids, and your kids can adopt Snackers. Then, after your kids grow up, we'll both move to Seoulsearch's retirement community, turbo-charge a golf cart for each of us (sorry Kim, the dentures can ride in a jar in your cupholder, it's going to be 45 mph MINIMUM ), and we can terrorize Nod's cats, then take off down the block to do spin-outs in Zaoman's front yard. First one to get clocked with a cane wins!

I am so glad I didn't offend you, Snackers. I always second-guess myself and sometimes I open mouth and should put a sock in it.

Actually your idea sounds like a lot of fun!! I could adopt you and of course since you are only 16 I would have to take care of you and your/ my kids. Sigh.... Oh my daughter would love to adopt Snackers. She thinks she is the little momma. We can hit up everyone on the way and terrorize, I mean visit all the CC people. What a team we would make!! I think I might be the first one to get clocked with the cane(ouch).

 

[Powemm]

Chrissy- every view matters views are like stepping stones .. Pathways each puts down so another might come closer in their relationship with Him.. We build , step up, navigate to the side or look below clutter that could be obstructing our view... A God given blessing to look further then we might have seen from them... I appreciate funny views, light views, deeply rooted views, strong views... They are the best stepping stones for each of is to navigate closer to God, as we are all putting a stone in place , the one put in our hands continually by God so another may cone closer to Him.. .. Vantage points to step or leap over walls where our views might be blocked . Some low, some middle ground, some up High...we are in a sea of forgetfulness sometimes.. Those stepping stones no matter the view point, matter... As sone are just allowing Christ to come in, some want to climb higher with Him, some want to go out into the deep , some want to navigate around a mountain with him... who He is inside each if us is who is chartering our course , and through us he is navigating others...
Peace in Christ