Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

[lil_christian]

God surprises me. Shocking, right? It is when you're in my spot. Last night, at church, I just kind of felt like...I wondered if I'm even an actual Christian. I mean, I try to be, but I knowing that there are Christians being persecuted and martyred, I wonder if I'm willing to do die for the sake of Christ...and I can't find it within me to say, "Yeah, I would!" I just kind of feel like, I'd much rather God take me home before I'd be faced with that. I knew the Bible has multiple stories of protection all throughout it, and God has protected me before in my life (I was very sick in 2009, but God brought me through it). But...that doesn't mean we're protected from persecution and stuff. My mom wasn't protected from dying of cancer. So I guess I doubt God's protection sometimes. Anyways...knowing that. I just kind of felt like, I don't even know if God has a good plan for me or if I'd even make it to heaven if I'm not willing to do that. I'll leave you hanging right there for a bit.

Later after church, I was unhappy with my sister. Her and I haven't been getting along. Long story short, her and I were up talking and sorting things out until 2 in the morning. I had to be ready to go to church by 8:30. So, as usual, I shower, brush my teeth, get in my bed and turn the light off. I was ready to sleep. But I COULD NOT fall asleep. I've been hearing something like digging and scratching and popping....sounded like it was coming from the attic. I forget when it started happening. It wasn't like that when we first moved in. I figured it was just my ceiling fan getting caught on something. Sometimes ceiling fans make noises. I'm used to it. Well, it was getting a bit persistent last night. Almost non-stop. Three times, I turned my light on and off, looking around, trying to see what could possibly be making that noise. I saw nothing. I turned my light off one more time...and very clearly, something within me said, "GO SLEEP ON THE COUCH. There's something trying to get in. Get out and sleep on the couch." So I grab the blankets off of my bed, grabbed the pillows off of one of the couches and I slept on the couch last night. Quite peacefully without any noises.

This morning, I slept in through my alarm. My youth pastor was outside waiting for me, and I was just waking up. So I get off the couch, rush into my room, about to change, and I hear BZZZZ. I look up on my wall...and there's three or four bees there. Last night, when I heard what I heard, I was thinking it was wasps or hornets because they like to dig and don't care where they do it. At least...that's what my instincts were telling me. I wasn't too far off.

My conclusion is, though...even though I've been so terrible lately, I've been such an awful person...in spite of that, God protected me. It's not that I'm allergic to bee stings (well, I wouldn't know, I've never been stung by anything beyond those itty bitty sweat bees). I'm extremely scared of wasps, hornets, bees, etc. and as it was, I was shaking when I ran out of my room when I saw them. I could have been sleeping in the same room as them. It makes me shudder to think that. To think I could have easily ignored it, just like I have all of these other nights. But this time...it was different. I KNEW deep down, I don't want to play around with this. And I know it was God. And it made me realize...even though I haven't valued my life the way I should have, have even asked God once or twice to take me out of my misery...He made sure I was completely safe.

 

[Lynx]

*Sigh* Yeah, that's our weird Uncle Joe. Is he at it again? Just get him a cab and send him home. The family will reimburse you.

 

[lil_christian]

The past couple of weeks have been exceptionally trying. I've been fighting a case of bronchitis that just won't go away and working in Denver six days a week has seriously cut into the rest I need to kick it. I couldn't be stingy so of course I shared the bronchitis with my wife who got it ten times worse so I spent Friday night until almost midnight at the ER with her which meant going to work yesterday on only a couple of hours of sleep. I'm sitting here right now on my one day off looking around the house at all the things that need to be done trying to resist the urge to work my tail off all day getting the house cleaned up instead of just sitting back and resting.

Wait, WIFE?? Ya got married...and you didn't let me know so I could crash the wedding and eat all of your cake??

How sad.

Congrats

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

God surprises me. Shocking, right? It is when you're in my spot. Last night, at church, I just kind of felt like...I wondered if I'm even an actual Christian. I mean, I try to be, but I knowing that there are Christians being persecuted and martyred, I wonder if I'm willing to do die for the sake of Christ...and I can't find it within me to say, "Yeah, I would!" I just kind of feel like, I'd much rather God take me home before I'd be faced with that. I knew the Bible has multiple stories of protection all throughout it, and God has protected me before in my life (I was very sick in 2009, but God brought me through it). But...that doesn't mean we're protected from persecution and stuff. My mom wasn't protected from dying of cancer. So I guess I doubt God's protection sometimes. Anyways...knowing that. I just kind of felt like, I don't even know if God has a good plan for me or if I'd even make it to heaven if I'm not willing to do that. I'll leave you hanging right there for a bit.

You know, I fully believe that God equips us for what we will face. If you were to live in an area where Christians were being martyred, he would give you the strength you needed to get through that. Because it isn't US that is strong in those situations. It is HIM working through us. The holy spirit works in us to give us what we need to do the work God calls us to do. You weren't called to live in an area of high persecution, but he gives you strength to live through your own trials, doesn't he? He gives us what we need.

About the bees... wow! I love that the Lord is showing himself to you in such real and personal ways, Ev.

 

[lil_christian]

You know, I fully believe that God equips us for what we will face. If you were to live in an area where Christians were being martyred, he would give you the strength you needed to get through that. Because it isn't US that is strong in those situations. It is HIM working through us. The holy spirit works in us to give us what we need to do the work God calls us to do. You weren't called to live in an area of high persecution, but he gives you strength to live through your own trials, doesn't he? He gives us what we need.

About the bees... wow! I love that the Lord is showing himself to you in such real and personal ways, Ev.

Yeah...I knew it wasn't squirrels or raccoons when I kept on hearing those noises. I just knew deep down, no, that's not it.

And it also reminds me, God DOES have a plan for me. He'll protect me so I can fulfill that plan because I am under His protection, and He knows my heart and how I feel. He knows I didn't feel like I was saved or that I was protected, but even though I don't FEEL like it, that doesn't negate the fact that I AM saved, loved, and protected. I made the choice to follow God a long time ago, and whether I feel saved or not at times doesn't matter.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Yeah...I knew it wasn't squirrels or raccoons when I kept on hearing those noises. I just knew deep down, no, that's not it.

And it also reminds me, God DOES have a plan for me. He'll protect me so I can fulfill that plan because I am under His protection, and He knows my heart and how I feel. He knows I didn't feel like I was saved or that I was protected, but even though I don't FEEL like it, that doesn't negate the fact that I AM saved, loved, and protected. I made the choice to follow God a long time ago, and whether I feel saved or not at times doesn't matter.

Yes, emotions come and go. So we can't rely on those. We must rely on our faith in God's word and promises.

I do believe it's important to examine ourselves to make sure we are in the faith. Especially those of us who were raised in Christian households and brought up believing in and loving God. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between a taught and learned love for God, and a personal relationship with God and Christ. However, you have obviously been doing some examining and soul searching lately, and I see your faith shining through.

I'm so proud of you Lil. You are growing and stretching and building up the kingdom of God! HE is made strong in our weakness, so we can rejoice in his faithfulness and grace over us when we surrender those weaknesses over to him.

 

[rachelsedge]

lil, I don't know if it makes you feel better, but I feel JUST like that sometimes, both things of what you said: Not feeling protected and also doubting your faith/not feeling like a Christian. But I like your response (and GLR's) to it. The thing about being a child of God is that our heritage to His name, through Christ's blood and our acceptance of Him, doesn't change even when we struggle with aspects of it or our faith waivers.

I went to church this morning for the first time this morning. Ironically, it was what made me most nervous. The move, the new job...going to a new church was what made me most nervous. How sad is that?

The message was great. It clicked with me. I liked the music and I sang along. I sat in the back row. And yet I had to hold back tears. A mixture of feelings. Sadness. Insecurity. Loneliness. Uncertainty. It had nothing to do with the church.

Gosh I'm a mess sometimes.

 

[Loveneverfails]

My parents' marriage is falling apart, just as I'm preparing to enter my own.

They seem to both be complacent and aren't trying to do anything. My dad has checked out of the marriage already and my mom thinks all she needs to do is pray. Don't get me wrong, I believe in the power of prayer, but what I mean is she's not even looking within herself to see what habits she may need to change, and she changed her mind about marriage counseling because she doesn't want to force my dad to go.

The he first time my mom and I talked about this, it was heartbreaking but really productive. I felt like things were going to be okay. Friday night, on the other hand, was a disaster. My mom said she didn't know what my dad meant when he expressed his dislike for the way she treats my brother and I. She thinks she's been a great mother. I made the mistake of trying to be honest, albeit in an extremely cautious and considerate way. She couldn't understand why I don't adore her the way she adored her mother, so I sked her why she loved her mother so much. She said it's because her mother was gentle, patient, and quiet, and her father was exactly the opposite. She even admitted she was more like her father, but she got her physically affectionate side (cuddly, hugger) from her mother. She admitted that it was easier to connect with the parent that was more gentle. Ok, I thought we were making progress, so I said "maybe Papa meant he would like to see you be more gentle with us, like your mother was with you".

ALL PROGRESS LOST.

This is is when she erupted, yelling "what are you talking about?! I hardly ever nag or yell at you! Only when you do something wrong or disrespect me, which is a lot". <-- am I the only one who thinks this is contradictory?

I backpedaled and tried to apologize, but it was too late. She then said that I was completely unhelpful, I would never understand, I am not as good of a daughter as she was to her mother, and that I make her a worse person.

Thats when I gave up and went to bed. I used to have hope, but considering that she thinks she's perfect, that hope is just about gone now.

 

[ww_21]

Lately, I’ve been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and who I need to become to become the kind of love I want to be… and when I break it all down, when I whittle it into a single breath, it essentially comes out like this: Before I die, I want to be somebody’s favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I'm sad to see that your mother is still blinded to her own mistakes. And I know how hurtful this all must be for you. I do have to say though, that your gentle approach and wisdom in speaking to her is a true gift from God. She may deny what is said to her, but who knows... a seed may have been planted for her to think about later.

(((HUGS)))

My parents' marriage is falling apart, just as I'm preparing to enter my own.

They seem to both be complacent and aren't trying to do anything. My dad has checked out of the marriage already and my mom thinks all she needs to do is pray. Don't get me wrong, I believe in the power of prayer, but what I mean is she's not even looking within herself to see what habits she may need to change, and she changed her mind about marriage counseling because she doesn't want to force my dad to go.

The he first time my mom and I talked about this, it was heartbreaking but really productive. I felt like things were going to be okay. Friday night, on the other hand, was a disaster. My mom said she didn't know what my dad meant when he expressed his dislike for the way she treats my brother and I. She thinks she's been a great mother. I made the mistake of trying to be honest, albeit in an extremely cautious and considerate way. She couldn't understand why I don't adore her the way she adored her mother, so I sked her why she loved her mother so much. She said it's because her mother was gentle, patient, and quiet, and her father was exactly the opposite. She even admitted she was more like her father, but she got her physically affectionate side (cuddly, hugger) from her mother. She admitted that it was easier to connect with the parent that was more gentle. Ok, I thought we were making progress, so I said "maybe Papa meant he would like to see you be more gentle with us, like your mother was with you".

ALL PROGRESS LOST.

This is is when she erupted, yelling "what are you talking about?! I hardly ever nag or yell at you! Only when you do something wrong or disrespect me, which is a lot". <-- am I the only one who thinks this is contradictory?

I backpedaled and tried to apologize, but it was too late. She then said that I was completely unhelpful, I would never understand, I am not as good of a daughter as she was to her mother, and that I make her a worse person.

Thats when I gave up and went to bed. I used to have hope, but considering that she thinks she's perfect, that hope is just about gone now.

 

[rachelsedge]

Loveneverfails, reading that breaks my heart, for your parents and for you. Those words, as UNTRUE AS THEY ARE (I hope you know that) are hard to hear, especially from your mother.

I'm not usually a "public prayer", I get...self-conscious I suppose. But right now I don't care.

Creator, I lift up Hallie and her parents. I ask that you soften her father's heart towards her mother, for him to see their marriage as sacred to You and worth fighting for. I pray that you will lead Hallie's mother towards action, towards looking into her heart to realize how she treats others, to be molded to Your character and treat others as You would. I pray for their love to be rekindled in a way that only You can spark.

And Father, finally I pray that You comfort Hallie during all of this. You created her heart to be so kind, honest, gentle. I pray Your strength to be felt within her, that she may rely on You for all things, that her heart be protected through harsh words and cold actions. I pray that her relationship with You grow stronger as she walks through this with You.

--------------------

We love you, Loveneverfails. Please keep us updated if you can and wish to.

 

[Lynx]

By the way cinder, a friend told me that the way to tell if a set of bagpipes is in tune is to plug all the holes. When the music comes out the player's ears, it's in tune. Seems a bit extreme to me, but whatever works...

 

[gypsygirl]

My parents' marriage is falling apart, just as I'm preparing to enter my own.

They seem to both be complacent and aren't trying to do anything. My dad has checked out of the marriage already and my mom thinks all she needs to do is pray. Don't get me wrong, I believe in the power of prayer, but what I mean is she's not even looking within herself to see what habits she may need to change, and she changed her mind about marriage counseling because she doesn't want to force my dad to go.

The he first time my mom and I talked about this, it was heartbreaking but really productive. I felt like things were going to be okay. Friday night, on the other hand, was a disaster. My mom said she didn't know what my dad meant when he expressed his dislike for the way she treats my brother and I. She thinks she's been a great mother. I made the mistake of trying to be honest, albeit in an extremely cautious and considerate way. She couldn't understand why I don't adore her the way she adored her mother, so I sked her why she loved her mother so much. She said it's because her mother was gentle, patient, and quiet, and her father was exactly the opposite. She even admitted she was more like her father, but she got her physically affectionate side (cuddly, hugger) from her mother. She admitted that it was easier to connect with the parent that was more gentle. Ok, I thought we were making progress, so I said "maybe Papa meant he would like to see you be more gentle with us, like your mother was with you".

ALL PROGRESS LOST.

This is is when she erupted, yelling "what are you talking about?! I hardly ever nag or yell at you! Only when you do something wrong or disrespect me, which is a lot". <-- am I the only one who thinks this is contradictory?

I backpedaled and tried to apologize, but it was too late. She then said that I was completely unhelpful, I would never understand, I am not as good of a daughter as she was to her mother, and that I make her a worse person.

Thats when I gave up and went to bed. I used to have hope, but considering that she thinks she's perfect, that hope is just about gone now.

i'm so sorry, love, really about what is going on. i can't help but acknowledge though, that you are right where you are supposed to be, and i think you are more helpful that you can realize.

SO MUCH of what you share about your mom is frighteningly alike my own experiences with my mom. you try to be honest, you get your head bit off, because you're not sharing or validating her own view of who she is and her relationships with her family.

i think you need to realize that your information, in honest and loving feedback is crashing the view of herself and her relationships, and that because of the way she deals with pain (lashing out), you need to expect that she's probably NOT going to be thankful for these loving fireside chats. she has these delusions, and that is largely why her relationships are broken and very dysfunctional. she is HIDING FROM THE TRUTH. she doesn't see them for what they are, but what she needs/wants them to be.

that said, remember she is hurting and seems ill equipped with lots of aspects of loving relationships, and that her actions are not because of you but because her world is crumbling and further destroying her happy bubble of illusion. the bubble that serves who she is, not who she needs to become.

that said, i still think those moments are ordained, and need to happen from time to time. i wish i could share some magical insight into how to deal with people like this, but i still am learning how to do this.

protect yourself emotionally from her words and actions, and continue to love and accept her for who she is anyway. she is going to be in for a long and rocky road, and your prayer and love will be a difference, i believe. i have no doubt God is dealing with her, and your words may be a bigger help to her, but not in the heat of the moment. later on, when she has time to think, or hear them again, from someone else's mouth.

hang in there, and like i said before, put on your velcro hoodie when you deal with your mom. zip it up to your chin, and don't take on her pain, or her bitterness, but let it wash away from you, and don't own it. she is bleeding the infection that is in her heart, and it's going to continue to come out of her mouth, via her words, and also actions.

saying a prayer for you and your family right now. *hugs*

 

[Loveneverfails]

Crying as I type this. Thank you, friends, for your prayers and encouragement. You are the reason why this place is one of the only safe havens I have to vent about these things, since I can't turn to my family right now. Thank you for listening and for caring.

I will do my best to keep my eyes on Christ, and I will keep you posted. I love you all.

 

[gypsygirl]

God surprises me. Shocking, right? It is when you're in my spot. Last night, at church, I just kind of felt like...I wondered if I'm even an actual Christian. I mean, I try to be, but I knowing that there are Christians being persecuted and martyred, I wonder if I'm willing to do die for the sake of Christ...and I can't find it within me to say, "Yeah, I would!" I just kind of feel like, I'd much rather God take me home before I'd be faced with that. I knew the Bible has multiple stories of protection all throughout it, and God has protected me before in my life (I was very sick in 2009, but God brought me through it). But...that doesn't mean we're protected from persecution and stuff. My mom wasn't protected from dying of cancer. So I guess I doubt God's protection sometimes. Anyways...knowing that. I just kind of felt like, I don't even know if God has a good plan for me or if I'd even make it to heaven if I'm not willing to do that. I'll leave you hanging right there for a bit.

Later after church, I was unhappy with my sister. Her and I haven't been getting along. Long story short, her and I were up talking and sorting things out until 2 in the morning. I had to be ready to go to church by 8:30. So, as usual, I shower, brush my teeth, get in my bed and turn the light off. I was ready to sleep. But I COULD NOT fall asleep. I've been hearing something like digging and scratching and popping....sounded like it was coming from the attic. I forget when it started happening. It wasn't like that when we first moved in. I figured it was just my ceiling fan getting caught on something. Sometimes ceiling fans make noises. I'm used to it. Well, it was getting a bit persistent last night. Almost non-stop. Three times, I turned my light on and off, looking around, trying to see what could possibly be making that noise. I saw nothing. I turned my light off one more time...and very clearly, something within me said, "GO SLEEP ON THE COUCH. There's something trying to get in. Get out and sleep on the couch." So I grab the blankets off of my bed, grabbed the pillows off of one of the couches and I slept on the couch last night. Quite peacefully without any noises.

This morning, I slept in through my alarm. My youth pastor was outside waiting for me, and I was just waking up. So I get off the couch, rush into my room, about to change, and I hear BZZZZ. I look up on my wall...and there's three or four bees there. Last night, when I heard what I heard, I was thinking it was wasps or hornets because they like to dig and don't care where they do it. At least...that's what my instincts were telling me. I wasn't too far off.

My conclusion is, though...even though I've been so terrible lately, I've been such an awful person...in spite of that, God protected me. It's not that I'm allergic to bee stings (well, I wouldn't know, I've never been stung by anything beyond those itty bitty sweat bees). I'm extremely scared of wasps, hornets, bees, etc. and as it was, I was shaking when I ran out of my room when I saw them. I could have been sleeping in the same room as them. It makes me shudder to think that. To think I could have easily ignored it, just like I have all of these other nights. But this time...it was different. I KNEW deep down, I don't want to play around with this. And I know it was God. And it made me realize...even though I haven't valued my life the way I should have, have even asked God once or twice to take me out of my misery...He made sure I was completely safe.

Yeah...I knew it wasn't squirrels or raccoons when I kept on hearing those noises. I just knew deep down, no, that's not it.

And it also reminds me, God DOES have a plan for me. He'll protect me so I can fulfill that plan because I am under His protection, and He knows my heart and how I feel. He knows I didn't feel like I was saved or that I was protected, but even though I don't FEEL like it, that doesn't negate the fact that I AM saved, loved, and protected. I made the choice to follow God a long time ago, and whether I feel saved or not at times doesn't matter.

i want to also confirm "second" what grace said about not necessarily allowing our emotions to "run our lives". that is very wise advice, and i believe in my heart that God gave us His word, because He knew in His infinite wisdom that we need much to stand on, to "orient" our compass and not be prey to how fickle our emotions can be.

evie, make no mistake. you are without a doubt one of the strongest people i've come to know, not just in cc, but over the last years. you have dealt with incredible pain and loss, and done so with such grace and courage that i am often surprised by your ability to keep going, especially knowing that so many days are hard for you. even in the hard times, i've seen Christ in you, and i love that you've reflected His nature in the darkest times.

and i really mean every word of that, by the way.

a lot of people seem to make the mistake in thinking that courage is the absence of fear, or strength without trembling. i have always found that to be completely false. nope. everything "brave" i've ever done in my life, i've been scared (even terrified) beforehand. don't believe anyone who tells you differently.

REAL COURAGE is being fearful, terrified, or even scared to death, but exercising your faith and continuing to walk forward in spite of those real emotions. trusting that God is still there, walking along with you, and that He was always there, and Has dreams and plans for you that are beyond your own ability to see.

that is what courage is.

we love you and we are here for you. you have come so far in even a month, and i can't wait to see what God has in store for you, and how things unfold in the coming days. *hugs*

 

[lil_christian]

Love you all. ♥

 

[Tintin]

Crying as I type this. Thank you, friends, for your prayers and encouragement. You are the reason why this place is one of the only safe havens I have to vent about these things, since I can't turn to my family right now. Thank you for listening and for caring.

I will do my best to keep my eyes on Christ, and I will keep you posted. I love you all.

I'm so sorry, Hallie! I really hurt for you and your family at this time. May God bring you His peace that passes all human understanding. Yes, all of us here, your brothers and sisters, love you. I'll be praying for you, my dear sister.

 

[Tintin]

Yeah...I knew it wasn't squirrels or raccoons when I kept on hearing those noises. I just knew deep down, no, that's not it.

And it also reminds me, God DOES have a plan for me. He'll protect me so I can fulfill that plan because I am under His protection, and He knows my heart and how I feel. He knows I didn't feel like I was saved or that I was protected, but even though I don't FEEL like it, that doesn't negate the fact that I AM saved, loved, and protected. I made the choice to follow God a long time ago, and whether I feel saved or not at times doesn't matter.

Amen, my dear sister! Amen! We all love you too, Evie!

 

[Tintin]

Lately, I’ve been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and who I need to become to become the kind of love I want to be… and when I break it all down, when I whittle it into a single breath, it essentially comes out like this: Before I die, I want to be somebody’s favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe.

Wow, Wonderful Woman 22 that was poetic and beautiful! Just remember that you're not called to be a person's everything, only Christ can fulfill that role. You're not meant to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, the burden of another, or even your own. Only Christ can. Love you, my dear sister!

 

[ww_21]

Wow, Wonderful Woman 22 that was poetic and beautiful! Just remember that you're not called to be a person's everything, only Christ can fulfill that role. You're not meant to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, the burden of another, or even your own. Only Christ can. Love you, my dear sister!

I know, you are absolutely right. Just lately I've been reading and writing a lot. I find writing is therapeutic for me. I bought a journal and it's almost filled already in less than a week. I think...maybe my mother was wrong.. maybe I can be an author.. maybe I do what what it takes. Maybe I am smart enough.