Questions for Singles who have Previously been Married

[pleasedontbeahypocrite]

Hi, I hope everyone had a special Memorial Day!

I've noticed that there are quite a few older singles on here who have been previously married, and there are some questions I've always wondered but never asked, so here goes nothing:

1. What transpired that has led to your current state of singleness? ( If you don't feel comfortable answering, I understand! But it would be interesting to get some background context for the sake of some of my other inquiries)


2. What are some of the biggest challenges you have faced as a result of whatever transpired?


3. What are the biggest prejudices/ misconceptions that people have towards you concerning your previously married/ now single status? Do you feel that these prejudices/ misconceptions affect your dating life?


4. What is, or are, the biggest piece(s) of advice you would like to pass on to those who are single and have never been married, that you have learned from your previous experiences?



I thought this would be an interesting discussion because I do think that those who have been married before can sometimes be harshly judged, especially in the Christian community, since we put the notion of one marriage in a lifetime with such high esteem. Of course, I do believe that there is a biblical basis to that, but I also think that there can be extenuating circumstances which lead to previously married single state ( such as being widowed, divorce due to adultery, etc.) and I think that sometimes the church misunderstands individuals who fall under these categories, or assume that they must have done something wrong to end up as a previously married single. Hopefully those among us who have experienced this can shed some light from their perspective, and can also share some wisdom with those of us who have never been married.

 

[hattiebod]

Oh dear God... He knows ALL!
All.... dear God would you please get a grip!!
Live for Him....end of.
God Bless you, despite any delusion! <><

 

[pleasedontbeahypocrite]

Oh dear God... He knows ALL!
All.... dear God would you please get a grip!!
Live for Him....end of.
God Bless you, despite any delusion! <><

Huh?

With all due respect, your post makes no sense to me. Can you please clarify as to exactly what you are referring to, and why you are so frustrated?

 

[hattiebod]

Not frustrated...simply look to the Word of God regarding His promises and marriage. You cannot just 'love' Him...you need to obey, to follow Him. Pray, worship and strive to edify Him Him. its about authority.. and love! <><

 

[Liamson]

Borderline Personality Disorder

 

[pleasedontbeahypocrite]

Not frustrated...simply look to the Word of God regarding His promises and marriage. You cannot just 'love' Him...you need to obey, to follow Him. Pray, worship and strive to edify Him Him. its about authority.. and love! <><

You still aren't making any sense. what prompted you to feel the need to tell me those things? I'm simply asking some of the members here to engage in an eye opening discussion that may benefit those of us who don't have as much life experience as them. I'm well aware of what the Bible says about marriage, as well as the tools for a healthy relationship with Christ.

 

[pleasedontbeahypocrite]

Borderline Personality Disorder

Ahhh... gotcha. lol

 

[hattiebod]

Sorry. your question was? <><

 

[SeatBelt]

{waiting about responding, to see where this is going to go next}

 

[zaoman32]

BACK ON TOPIC! And to avoid haters who have no clue what they're talking about.

1. What transpired that has led to your current state of singleness? ( If you don't feel comfortable answering, I understand! But it would be interesting to get some background context for the sake of some of my other inquiries)

My ex-wife and I had a lot of issues, so many, if I listed all the reasons we ended up getting divorced you'd be reading for a good hour. The two main reasons were an addiction I was dealing with and having a difficult time kicking, and she cheated on me several times. I could forgive the cheating initially because of my own actions, it wasn't until it continued and she lied about it after getting caught and initially admitting that it became and issue for me.


2. What are some of the biggest challenges you have faced as a result of whatever transpired?

We have three kids. Enough said.

3. What are the biggest prejudices/ misconceptions that people have towards you concerning your previously married/ now single status? Do you feel that these prejudices/ misconceptions affect your dating life?

A lot of christians still have that "divorce is evil for any reason" mentality. I realize most, if not all, christians say it's excusable under the cases of infidelity and abuse, however, even though this was the case in my situation many people I sought council from were still extremely forceful and adamant that I do absolutely whatever it takes to stay married and keep the marriage working anyway, which tells me, they don't buy what they say they believe. This is mostly an issue with people my ex and I knew before we divorced. I find that christians I have met afterwards are more understanding and accepting.

4. What is, or are, the biggest piece(s) of advice you would like to pass on to those who are single and have never been married, that you have learned from your previous experiences?

Pray constantly and take your time. Don't make any hasty decisions, and make sure you know you are with someone you can spend the rest of your life with. Don't lie to yourself to please others, and don't fall victim to flowery "in love" emotions.

 

[pleasedontbeahypocrite]

{waiting about responding, to see where this is going to go next}

I hope you will contribute! I think this could be a really good discussion, and I'm sure a lot of people here would appreciate it I'm going to ignore any derailments, I really have good intentions for this thread. It's getting a lot of views but not many people are responding, I guess they are either still offended towards me or think I'm a troll still, but I'm not! I have new friends on here, especially from chat, that can vouch that I'm a legit, sweet girl who never meant to cause harm to anyone

 

[pleasedontbeahypocrite]

BACK ON TOPIC! And to avoid haters who have no clue what they're talking about.

1. What transpired that has led to your current state of singleness? ( If you don't feel comfortable answering, I understand! But it would be interesting to get some background context for the sake of some of my other inquiries)

My ex-wife and I had a lot of issues, so many, if I listed all the reasons we ended up getting divorced you'd be reading for a good hour. The two main reasons were an addiction I was dealing with and having a difficult time kicking, and she cheated on me several times. I could forgive the cheating initially because of my own actions, it wasn't until it continued and she lied about it after getting caught and initially admitting that it became and issue for me.


2. What are some of the biggest challenges you have faced as a result of whatever transpired?

We have three kids. Enough said.

3. What are the biggest prejudices/ misconceptions that people have towards you concerning your previously married/ now single status? Do you feel that these prejudices/ misconceptions affect your dating life?

A lot of christians still have that "divorce is evil for any reason" mentality. I realize most, if not all, christians say it's excusable under the cases of infidelity and abuse, however, even though this was the case in my situation many people I sought council from were still extremely forceful and adamant that I do absolutely whatever it takes to stay married and keep the marriage working anyway, which tells me, they don't buy what they say they believe. This is mostly an issue with people my ex and I knew before we divorced. I find that christians I have met afterwards are more understanding and accepting.

4. What is, or are, the biggest piece(s) of advice you would like to pass on to those who are single and have never been married, that you have learned from your previous experiences?

Pray constantly and take your time. Don't make any hasty decisions, and make sure you know you are with someone you can spend the rest of your life with. Don't lie to yourself to please others, and don't fall victim to flowery "in love" emotions.

Wow, thank you so much for your honest, insightful post... I think you touched on a lot of interesting and important points that could lead to go discussion.

I really like what you are saying about patience, and also about not doing things in order to appease others. I sometimes have a proclivity towards subconsciously making emotionally-based decisions, and I'm typically a "people-pleaser" as well, so I can see how, for single Christians in the church who also struggle with these mindsets, that it could be dangerously feasible to fee pressured into a marriage, as well as pressured to stay force a marriage to work even when there are biblically supported, unsurmountable issues ( such as the other person is non-compliant, etc)

 

[Jullianna]

Hi, I hope everyone had a special Memorial Day!

I've noticed that there are quite a few older singles on here who have been previously married, and there are some questions I've always wondered but never asked, so here goes nothing:

1. What transpired that has led to your current state of singleness? ( If you don't feel comfortable answering, I understand! But it would be interesting to get some background context for the sake of some of my other inquiries)

My husband died.

2. What are some of the biggest challenges you have faced as a result of whatever transpired?

Putting my life on hold for a season in order to keep certain promises. Becoming the head of my household after 15 years of being led by my husband. Juggling being mother/father/bread winner/housekeeper/going back to school/etc. Feeling pushed into dating by people when I don't want to. Having an intimate, healthy, supportive relationship with someone for almost half of my life and suddenly standing seemingly alone (I know God is there, but it is not the same).

3. What are the biggest prejudices/ misconceptions that people have towards you concerning your previously married/ now single status? Do you feel that these prejudices/ misconceptions affect your dating life?

Assumptions: That I am divorced. That I am probably easy, whether I am a Christian or not. That I am desperate to remarry.

4. What is, or are, the biggest piece(s) of advice you would like to pass on to those who are single and have never been married, that you have learned from your previous experiences?

Don't marry for any other reason than love (DO NOT MARRY for materialistic things, infatuation, security, sex, "because everyone else is" or just because you are afraid of being alone). Everything else is garbage compared to love. Marriage is tough enough when you ARE in love. I can't imagine any possible way it could survive without love.

TAKE.YOUR.TIME. Marriage is a lifetime commitment.

I thought this would be an interesting discussion because I do think that those who have been married before can sometimes be harshly judged, especially in the Christian community, since we put the notion of one marriage in a lifetime with such high esteem. Of course, I do believe that there is a biblical basis to that, but I also think that there can be extenuating circumstances which lead to previously married single state ( such as being widowed, divorce due to adultery, etc.) and I think that sometimes the church misunderstands individuals who fall under these categories, or assume that they must have done something wrong to end up as a previously married single. Hopefully those among us who have experienced this can shed some light from their perspective, and can also share some wisdom with those of us who have never been married.

 

[zaoman32]

Wow, thank you so much for your honest, insightful post... I think you touched on a lot of interesting and important points that could lead to go discussion.

I really like what you are saying about patience, and also about not doing things in order to appease others. I sometimes have a proclivity towards subconsciously making emotionally-based decisions, and I'm typically a "people-pleaser" as well, so I can see how, for single Christians in the church who also struggle with these mindsets, that it could be dangerously feasible to fee pressured into a marriage, as well as pressured to stay force a marriage to work even when there are biblically supported, unsurmountable issues ( such as the other person is non-compliant, etc)

That's a very astute observation I've never thought of before. Feeling pressure from your christian community to stay in a relationship (even one without marriage yet). But your right, it's very easy to want to please and make that crowd happy.

And just an afterthought, yes your church family can pressure you a lot to stick with things, and a lot of times you just can't. I prayed constantly while my ex and I were starting to separate and finally did separate. It was pretty clear to me that was God was telling me to let her go. She had no interest in working things out, and looked me in the eye and told me that repeatedly. Despite discussing this with pastors they refused to let the issue go, and were pressuring me to keep pursuing her even after we got divorced. Why?

 

[pleasedontbeahypocrite]

Hi, I hope everyone had a special Memorial Day!

I've noticed that there are quite a few older singles on here who have been previously married, and there are some questions I've always wondered but never asked, so here goes nothing:

1. What transpired that has led to your current state of singleness? ( If you don't feel comfortable answering, I understand! But it would be interesting to get some background context for the sake of some of my other inquiries)

My husband died.

2. What are some of the biggest challenges you have faced as a result of whatever transpired?

Putting my life on hold for a season in order to keep certain promises. Becoming the head of my household after 15 years of being led by my husband. Juggling being mother/father/bread winner/housekeeper/going back to school/etc. Feeling pushed into dating by people when I don't want to. Having an intimate, healthy, supportive relationship with someone for almost half of my life and suddenly standing seemingly alone (I know God is there, but it is not the same).

3. What are the biggest prejudices/ misconceptions that people have towards you concerning your previously married/ now single status? Do you feel that these prejudices/ misconceptions affect your dating life?

Assumptions: That I am divorced. That I am probably easy, whether I am a Christian or not. That I am desperate to remarry.

4. What is, or are, the biggest piece(s) of advice you would like to pass on to those who are single and have never been married, that you have learned from your previous experiences?

Don't marry for any other reason than love (DO NOT MARRY for materialistic things, infatuation, security, sex, "because everyone else is" or just because you are afraid of being alone). Everything else is garbage compared to love. Marriage is tough enough when you ARE in love. I can't imagine any possible way it could survive without love.

TAKE.YOUR.TIME. Marriage is a lifetime commitment.

I thought this would be an interesting discussion because I do think that those who have been married before can sometimes be harshly judged, especially in the Christian community, since we put the notion of one marriage in a lifetime with such high esteem. Of course, I do believe that there is a biblical basis to that, but I also think that there can be extenuating circumstances which lead to previously married single state ( such as being widowed, divorce due to adultery, etc.) and I think that sometimes the church misunderstands individuals who fall under these categories, or assume that they must have done something wrong to end up as a previously married single. Hopefully those among us who have experienced this can shed some light from their perspective, and can also share some wisdom with those of us who have never been married.

Wow, Julianna! First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I can't even imagine...

I know we don't know each other, but my respect and admiration of you just went up x1000 ! You seem like such a wise strong person, and your post leads me to a couple more questions ( of course, you don't have to answer these if you don't want):


How do you deal with the false assumptions that people make, and who does it come from most? People in the church or in the world? Do females make these assumptions moreso than men, or vice versa, from what you've experienced?


Also, you mentioned only marrying for love and not infatuation. What is the best way to tell the difference between infatuation and true love? This is something I feel like I really need to grasp because as an "emotional" thinker, it's really hard for me to tell the difference sometimes, which is kind of scary haha

 

[Fenner]

I think this is a good thread, please don't be a hypocrite. I don't think you're a troll.

 

[pleasedontbeahypocrite]

Thank you Fenner, that really means a lot I think things will get better with time, hopefully lol

 

[CatHerder]

1. What transpired that has led to your current state of singleness? ( If you don't feel comfortable answering, I understand! But it would be interesting to get some background context for the sake of some of my other inquiries)

I'm tempted to simply say "She wanted the divorce and I didn't." But that would make me sound overly pious, and may be misleading.

I've shared some of the details in previous threads (and probably went overboard with the length of my posts). Let's just say a lot of dysfunctional, immature, selfish behavior on both our parts. We tried counseling a few times. Her attitude about the things that were brought up was that the things that were my issues were things I needed to work on....her issues were "that's just the way I am" and something I just needed to accept. Things got really bad from there, and that when her behavior became downright bullying and abusive. I came home late one night from a work function to find my middle daughter cowering in a corner and my wife raging over a spot on the carpet...with our oldest daughter present, she expressed that she wanted to leave the family. Our oldest freaked out at this and said that she was the problem and that she should be the one to leave (instead of mom - - pronouns can be confusing)...there were several times when things were thrown across the room with all sorts of foul language...

I stopped acting as a "buffer" between her and the kids, taking care of the kids in those situations, taking them out to dinner just to get them away from the house and her for a while, and I stopped walking on eggshells around my wife anymore. She became even angrier at this, as this threatened her sense of control. She filed when she felt confident that she was to get tenure again in her old school district (we are/were both teachers). A double whammy was that this was just a couple of days after my mother died.

2. What are some of the biggest challenges you have faced as a result of whatever transpired?

I have three daughters - so custody issues, co-parenting, financial matters (currently severely underemployed, but should be thankful to have a job at all in this economy - blah blah blah). I have NO RESPECT for our court systems when it comes to these issues. They simply assume that the person with the more stable income is the more stable parent.

3. What are the biggest prejudices/ misconceptions that people have towards you concerning your previously married/ now single status? Do you feel that these prejudices/ misconceptions affect your dating life?

Some people at church avoid me because I seem to represent "divorce as an option" and that is something they don't want to face...or they act awkward when talking to me. I joke that it's like having cancer, but at least with cancer you get a few casseroles out of the church folk (OK....my fellow cancer survivor friends think that's hilarious - my humor is kind of warped).

Still, while some avoid me, I have deepened my friendships with others, and we have been more real with each other about our struggles. I've made several new friends too, but even some of these have their own prejudices. I confronted a female friend once about her first impression of me - - she admitted that she judged me before getting to know me and seemed shocked that I was able to tell. I found this to be interesting.


I remember a couple of strange things while going through the worst of my divorce - when the reality first hit, I remember praying and just getting out "God, I still love you." My next few prayers were more like primal screams. A well-meaning jr. pastor told me "Steve, you can never marry again" which was the last thing I wanted to do at the time, anyway, so I didn't care much. Some friends wanted to set me up on a blind date, but relented when I told them that the concept of dating made me ill. It took a few years for dating to change from something that seemed to abhorrent to something that is kind of fun, not that I do it much - most of the Christian single women my age seem bitter - but that's another thread.

By the way - your question kind of presupposes that dating is a goal. Though I have been on a few dates, it's not a goal at this time. I just want to get my kids raised.

4. What is, or are, the biggest piece(s) of advice you would like to pass on to those who are single and have never been married, that you have learned from your previous experiences?

Make sure you are really in love and not just in infatuation, or in love with the idea of being in love, or just horny, or just lonely. Check if they have resolved their daddy issues, or their mommy issues. Even if his/her parents were downright abusive and there is no relationship to speak of, how he/she has dealt with that and how much he/she has allowed God to heal says a lot about the person. What are your significant other's friends like? Who someone chooses to hang out with and confide in also says a lot. Is s/he nice to you, but treats the waiter like crap? What does Christianity mean to him or her? Is it just a "get out of hell free" card, or is following Christ something that is important?

And if you love each other, are you both willing to make it work? Marriage is the joining of two imperfect people - it's like going on a cross country trip with leaking tires. You have to periodically stop to pump up the tires, patch 'em up, replace what isn't working, invest time and other resources in assorted "tire maintenance." - I wish I could claim that metaphor. I stole it from somewhere....not sure of the source.

 

[Jullianna]

Wow, Julianna! First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I can't even imagine...

Thank you.
I know we don't know each other, but my respect and admiration of you just went up x1000 ! You seem like such a wise strong person, and your post leads me to a couple more questions ( of course, you don't have to answer these if you don't want):


How do you deal with the false assumptions that people make, and who does it come from most? People in the church or in the world? Do females make these assumptions moreso than men, or vice versa, from what you've experienced?
Fortunately, God created me to be the sort of person who doesn't cling to what other people think, you know? I simply live my life the best I can to please Him, and it tends to sort out the folks that should be in my life and those who shouldn't.

Most of the assumptions seem to come from men. Or maybe they are simply more vocal about what they think. Or maybe it just seems that way because I'm a woman. If I were a guy, maybe women would be more interested in my life and my business.

Also, you mentioned only marrying for love and not infatuation. What is the best way to tell the difference between infatuation and true love? This is something I feel like I really need to grasp because as an "emotional" thinker, it's really hard for me to tell the difference sometimes, which is kind of scary haha

I can't speak for anyone else, but I have found these to be the difference between infatuation and love:

When a man's "flaws" have no effect upon my feelings for him. Some of them may even be endearing. The "beautiful flaws" Liamson talked about months ago.

My mood/temperament has no effect upon how I feel for him.

It never enters my mind to leave him because I can't breathe without him.

When there is nothing I would not give up for him if he truly needed me to.

When nothing makes me happier than seeing HIM happy.

MOST of all, when I know that all of the above things are just as true for him as for me. Love can never be one sided or it isn't real. If you find yourself giving up everything to please someone, but they would never do the same for you, if you feel that you need to be someone else to be with them, if your happiness isn't as important to them as their own, if you don't trust them completely, if you ever feel manipulated, if you don't know without question that they will be there for you no matter what, wait. Be sure.

 

[secularhermit]

Good!
I like what I read (it will enlighten many, same way as me, a divorced one)

As a secular being I came apart from some church dogmas... (I will not mention)
As a hermit I disagree part of this single state " (such as being widowed, divorce due to adultery, etc.)" because there are many reasons involved, and some are economical, firstly. The "social" aspects are reasoned by church teachings too late, when an individual is totally raised as an secularized adult, and the public school has never taught us to be good spouses (parents lacked the same background, more if goyim people)

Yes! Life is an adventure to learn. I understand part of the BIASED reason people and their churches believe, but the Bible is a good handbook to keep near the pillow, because marriage needs to many things, and we were trained to enjoy (or look after) pleasure, the benefits...

Between misconceptions, in a PT meeting I attended these days, a teacher told us she asked girls and boys in a high school classroom: "Do you believe in marriage" (no one wanted to say anything). She said, rise your hands those who believe in it... There were more than 30, and only two raised hands. The teacher asked the BOY: Why do you believe in marriage? It is good! Because if my wife dies, and if she is RICH, the money is mine... This would be my advice for SINGLES (your point 4).

Marriage is not a gold mine! And I once married, for WRONG REASONS, and it was to have legal sex.