Advice Please?

hiestand22 · Jun 9, 2013

I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years about 2 months ago. We were very close friends, but I had to take a break when I stumbled into a very deep pit of porn and masturbation. It killed me to let her go and I made up some reasons why it had to end. Our communication wasn't the best and needed improvement, but we were great together. She hasn't talked to me since and won't even look at me. I am sad and depressed because I have lost my close friend for my sin. I want to at least try to talk to her and be friends at least, but I don't know what to do. I am still upset after two months alone, and I broke up with her. I need your advice please!

SeatBelt · Jun 9, 2013

i really recommend getting involved with a Christian group that recognizes this problem as a problem. look into folks like Celebrate Recovery, the Landing, or I am Second. I also recommend getting filtering/accountability software for all your internet devices... stuff like 3xChurch, B-Secure, Safe Eyes, or Covenant Eyes. Have a team of Christian accountability.
I've also heard of good things about a program in Tennessee, i think it is called Bethesda. It can be pricey, but if it means saving you from a lifetime of sexual addiction, that's worth it right?
I think 3xChurch still has some filtering/accountability stuff that is free.
Prayers for you, Brother.
I'm proud of you for being able to admit to what is a common problem (common even among Christian women and men, not just the world!). May God Bless your stand and your struggle. May He bring victory for you that He may be glorified.
-SB

Jullianna · Jun 9, 2013

What reason did you give for the breakup?
Where are you now in dealing with this issue?
Are you really at a place right now where it would be a good idea for you to have a gf?
Where do things stand between you and God at the moment?
What steps are you taking to overcome your problem?

Just trying to determine what your true questions are. Praying that you overcome this in Jesus' Name.

TigerScent777 · Jun 9, 2013

hiestand22 said:

...with regards to 'porn' always have set in your mind, to go for the real thing...ie: the ideal being engagement/marriage...

...porn is like a dog with a dry bone, there is nothing really there ... and on some level you are probably connecting with someone whose spirit is of an ungodly one with entities around them...

...just be honest enough to the point needed with her, without volunteering too much unnecessary information; and tell her you were confused (which is what it is really) and that you got diverted experimenting with porn and realised how bad it was and that the bad experience with it showed you how much you loved her and desired her friendship, love and company even more - and appreciated it more as a result - and quite sincerely apologise.

...Send her some red roses before-hand ( Two Dozen Red Roses and other flowers & plants at ProFlowers.com ), with a note saying 'Im sorry - I love you' ...on them; have them delivered..., and possibly another gift of a box of chocolates a couple of days after ..., then call her...and tell her..., how you truly feel ...

agirlandherguitar · Jun 10, 2013

I'm not sure of your whole history but if you are wanting to open communication with her and if she is willing to hear you out then it would be best to be honest and tell her the truth as to why you broke up with her. Everyone deserves to hear the truth. She may be shocked and disgusted but she'll also know that it was the result of something that was beyond her control and therefore wasn't her fault that you two broke up. If that communication window is closed then fess up to God if you haven't already. Even though He knows everything that doesn't mean it's okay for you to not humble yourself before him and admit your sin. Sometimes it's the toughest step... actually most of the time it's the last step we really think of doing.

Like with any addiction, seek help. Like Seatbelt suggested get involved in a church and get an accountability partner. Immerse yourself within Christian groups, if possible with a men's study group. I'm not saying a woman can't understand you and help you but we don't suffer in the exact same way when it comes to sexual sin.

Other than that, ask for prayer from your friends and family, even if you don't want to admit why. Just tell them you are struggling and need God's grace and love to heal you.

I'm sorry about your break up. I can't imagine how you must feel. This is a very difficult situation and it may not heal in the way you want it to but what's important is that you heal. If your ex is the woman God has put aside for you then she will be there when you get through this. If not then let her go and deal with that as it comes. There may be another woman waiting.

Mo0448 · Jun 10, 2013

I can relate to what you are saying, as I've struggled with pornography and had a tough time talking to anyone about it especially my girlfriend at the time, since I was afraid of what she would think of me. Eventually with the desire to be more transparent with God and my shortcomings, I decided to speak to my girlfriend about it, and although it was tough for her to hear it and it initially hurt her feelings she was more than supportive to be there for me and help me through it. However it really wasn't until I opened up and was transparent to God about it that I slowly began to see what it was doing. Initially I considered the affects it had on ME, when I should have considered the effects it was having in my relationship with God. It was pushing my Lord and Savior away, and keeping me from that closer relationship I wanted to have with Him. I had decided then that I would do everything I could to set up barriers or walls so that I wouldn't fall to it.

What I got was Blue Coat K9 Web Protection which blocks out all these things and set up a password. Initially I thought geez, I must not have any self control if I am going to use a filter, but in the end I believe that I should use any and all things available at my disposal to ensure I remain strong in my commitments with the Lord. I made the password something along the lines of What Would Jesus Do? knowing that I would have to type that in to bypass it and would therefore recognize the consequences of my actions in my relationship with Christ. In the end acknowledging that "This isn't what God has for me, its not what HE wants for me" really puts things in perspective.
I would also read scripture and pray when the temptations would cross my mind to have God be my anchor and ground me to Him so that I would not sway, if I told you that I am no longer tempted I'd be lying. I just know that every time I say No, I am growing closer to God and moving further and further away from that problem. Keep yourself busy and occupied so that you do not have "idle" time.

If you or anyone else want/need prayer for this sort of problem feel free to get in contact with me.

You all have a wonderful night God Bless!

TigerScent777 · Jun 10, 2013

...all this advice for help is well and good - but the poor chap asked for help and advice in getting back with his girlfriend 'first'...

...he can always deal with all this stuff to do with porn after that occurs..., for he may lose her in the meantime, and it sounds like she is the 'love of his life'...

SeatBelt · Jun 10, 2013

TigerScent777 said:

best chance to get back with her? OP gets things right between him & God and can show g/f steps he is taking to combat the situation.

dyingeveryday · Jun 10, 2013

I agree with all of these things. Tell the truth and confess things to her. Seek God and get right with Him in this situation God is the definitely the one who can help you and transform you. This woman can most likely understand and empathize more than you may realize. Nothing will be solved by keeping things in the dark though. Just come clean and confess your sin as you have already done here. If you love this woman and she loves you, ultimately both of you love God, this will work out. This will open up many possibilities. You just shut things down and closed communication down. I urge you to fix it. Bring the darkness into the light and take your desires and temptation to God as soon as you have such things arise. If you go to God your thoughts will shift focus from sexual desires and onto Him. I will be praying on this. You're not going through anything that most men haven't gone through in their lives and walk with God. You can kill anything at the root. Don't feed the addiction feed the Spirit of God.

SeatBelt · Jun 10, 2013

fixing the relationship with God and putting things in place to keep it that way... that's a relationship that can last More than a lifetime.
fixing the relationship with the g/f.... well, OP is 16, and she likely is similar.... that's all I'm sayin on that.

isaria · Jun 10, 2013

What good replies/answers you have been given here .

I agree.

I am suprised that you felt so badly about it that you would break up with her because you masturbated and watched porn.
Maybe you were so addicted that you had more interest in porn than in her.
The visual stimulation and music they sometimes play can have that effect of leuring you in perhaps.

Do you still have ypur addiction?
Seeking support may help , in church or and elsewhere.
Replace porn with something that is better for you.

You should be honest with your gf and tell her the reason of break up.
She should understand and support you not knowing how strict she is in her ways.
She might be very un4giving of such matters and thats why you felt more reason to break off with her.

True, your relationship with God first.
Pray and be in peace with it and pray stop addiction and get back with gf and how to approach her.
Maybe will come to you in vision or dream, how to go about it.

Better love wands rule the world than lust wands for golly if the lust wands ruled be pretty bad place specially all the sadist sex in hospitals, schools etc beyond hanky spanky and whats pro anyway? lol.... as long as lust wand feel good who care...

jerusalem · Jun 10, 2013

i agree that your girlfriend desires the dignity and respect of hearing the truth and hearing it from you. one of the worst pain a person can feel is the pain of not knowing why. since she is unable to listen to you or even look at you right now i suggest that you write her a letter but ask that you be allowed to be present when she reads it. if she declines then go in written form you can be certain that you explain your situation without interruption. also, she can absorb and review what you have said without the pain of personal confrontation. i would be careful of the wording though using terms such as visual stimulation lest your communication fall into the wrong hands. assure her that the blame is not hers and ask for her forgiveness and understanding. but above all this, make up your mind that, with God's help, you fully intend to overcome this behavior. it is cheating and you have cheated on her by these actions. i understand that there is a program for this if you are an addict. contact your local health dept to resource this information as confidentiality is quite strict. you have the benefit of a great many caring and compassionate people here at chat. take advantage of that. having a support system is essential. God bless you in your efforts to reform

Meinhardt · Jun 10, 2013

SeatBelt said:

Another good program is called K9 Web protection. You may need to allow youtube and other streaming sites but overall it works for me. and man most guys go through it you just need to push on and get connected with a church group if you are still in high school get connected with you youth group there are many good people there to help you out and become good friends.

woka · Jun 10, 2013

Maybe a good place to start the conversation with her would be to confess why you actually broke up in the first place. She might feel like it was all her fault and for this reason is sad to continue to friendship. It is seriously hard to be honest, but we have grace, it still doesn't always end the way we had hoped, but it allows us to be really faithful to our Lord, in allowing us to be truthful and accept the consequences that go with that.

Ritter · Jun 10, 2013

Learning to be single isn't half bad when you are young. It teaches you many important life lessons.

My advice is to give it time. If she isn't ready to talk with you two months after the fact, maybe it will take three. Six. Who knows?

I'm sorry to hear this happened, man.

Jullianna · Jun 10, 2013

Not to seem unkind, but we have not heard back from the OP yet. At 16 I am having a bit of difficulty thinking the gf is the "love of his life". At this point, seems like dealing with the porn issue should be a higher priority than getting the girl. I'm also wondering whether the loneliness is the issue or the girl.

TigerScent777 · Jun 10, 2013

Jullianna said:

...hmmm, well, going back to when I was that age - I know how I felt at times - and the feelings were as valid to me then, as they are now: and although it may not be the 'actual' love of his life (it may be?) she may feel to him like she is, and it would be gr8 for him to be able to experience and express that - to the degree it goes and however long it lasts. I also think it would be 'easier' for him to deal with the porn issue when with her, and a lot more challenging without her...

...I would say loneliness would be an issue - esp. now, but he probably bonded with her on some level and now feels like a part of him is empty...since her withdrawal...not a nice experience..., so getting her back would just allow him to move forward more easily, and hopefully if she is supportive - will help him overcome his 'condition'...

Jullianna · Jun 10, 2013

Not saying that feelings we have as young teens are not valid. Just that I would be surprised if she was the "love of his life", especially when he walked away from her. I don't know whether being with her would help or not. I simply don't feel enough information has been given by the OP to given an informed opinion, that's all.

Shootin' in the dark is dangerous.

RickyZ · Jun 10, 2013

TigerScent777 said:

On a spiritual level you are doing just that

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