Relationships advice please?

[Lexie0]

Hello,

Basically, I need some advice on this subject, because I have no clue. I’m 25yrs old and everybody in my entourage is wondering why they have never seen me with a boyfriend.

I've been a christian for a long time but unfortunately things have not been perfect, especially during my early 20s. I really ought to thank God for his grace! No judgement here please, I just need some advices.

I've never been in a serious relationship and I don’t know what it’ll be like to be in one. What are the things you are supposed to do or say or what are the unspoken rules and policies that should be followed, I meanI have no clue at all! And what should I do when I’m being talked to by a guy? It gets even more complicated when I’m scared of being approached by someone I like.

Let’s just say that the first guy I met some years ago sexually abused me and I just tossed it in the back of my mind and carried on with life as if it wasn’t a big deal. I went out every single week to clubs, and actuallymet someone who was married. I was 20, he was 34 with a pregnant wife at home; butI didn’t know until he felt bad and told me about the situation when she gave birth. He told me right when I really started to like him. I thought I was gonna go crazy during that period. I started smoking and had some crazy thoughts running through my mind about what I could do to him and his brand new car!

But anyway, about four years have passed since those events and I’ve never dated again. As I got older and more stable mentally, I realized I couldn’tjust toss the abuse in the back of my mind as I started having flash backs. I do realize it could have some impact on my future relationship. I say “some” because I’m definitely opened to having a normal relationship with a regular guy, because I know they are plenty of just normal, nice guys out there. I don’t think I need to seek medical help. Like I said, I do recognize that not all men are bad.

So right now, I’m opened to meeting new people.The only thing is I get scared very bad and I just want to run off when I’mapproached by someone I think I might like lol. I’d basically ruin it before iteven gets started.
Going back to my question, how should I act when approachedby a guy and not give the wrong signals? And how do you guys behave and act when in a relationship? Don’t tell me to act naturally because I don’t know what that means! If you can, please be specific!

Thanks!

 

[densin]

its all about confidence once u feel you have confidence in your self everything will come to you to be serious with an guy and know for sure its really with you... you take it real slow... not too slow ! and let that guy be open to you... if he has anything to hide like his phone or his facebook messages check that out real quick... also depends on how you look as well some people dont care but for the most part alot of people care !

 

[Meinhardt]

First thing is first you need to make sure that the guy you want to be with is christian because in the bible it says make sure the people you are with are equally yoked. also densin is right take things slow, as long as it feels comfortable for you. be open and let the guy you plan to date to be open with you. It takes time and you will get your heart broken sometimes trust me i know how it is but in the end God will place the right guy in your life when he feels ready just stay close to God and let him lead you to where he wants you.

 

[MissCris]

Um...I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say...

I think you're over-thinking it. A lot. A whole, whoooole lot. And that's probably why you get so nervous.

And this paragraph you wrote-

"I've never been in a serious relationship and I don’t know what it’ll be like to be in one. What are the things you are supposed to do or say or what are the unspoken rules and policies that should be followed, I meanI have no clue at all! And what should I do when I’m being talked to by a guy? It gets even more complicated when I’m scared of being approached by someone I like."

...unspoken rules and policies? Hmm. You sound so freaked out by the idea of a relationship that I would guess you're reeeally not ready for one. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I would suggest that you stop stressing about relationships or your lack of one and place your focus on God. If you know who you are in Christ, then it will be that much easier to recognize other like-minded people, and will give you a much better idea of what to look for in a relationship should the opportunity arise.

So...relax.

 

[densin]

you cant just tell her to relax.... i mean its more easier to say then to do.... its better just saying she needs to build her confidence up

 

[MissCris]

you cant just tell her to relax.... i mean its more easier to say then to do.... its better just saying she needs to build her confidence up

...really? I guess I don't see how you draw the conclusion that it's easier to build confidence in oneself than to chill out and focus on something more important for a while...

How does one even go about building up their own confidence? I've never understood that.

Eep, I'm about to derail.

 

[densin]

confidence is the beginning of everything ......she obviously has focus on other important things but focusing on other things can only last so long ... when you want some one ... and she still has to have confidence to be happy and focus on other things as well.... and not put her self down that causes people not to want to do anything

 

[Mo0448]

...really? I guess I don't see how you draw the conclusion that it's easier to build confidence in oneself than to chill out and focus on something more important for a while...

How does one even go about building up their own confidence? I've never understood that.

Eep, I'm about to derail.

Hello,

I am going to take the middle road on both of these differing views where you should feel comfortable and relaxed not too comfortable and relaxed though and should be confident but not too confident. I would suggest trying to remain calm and collect when approached. Start with a subject that you are comfortable talking about and just go with it idk me its sports soccer; gosh I love soccer. I love to watch it play it etc etc. Its not necessarily about what are unwritten and written rules its about what makes you feel comfortable and what is okay with you and most importantly honoring God I've been in 3 relationships my whole life. I am not one to just jump on a relationship if I don't see it was something that can be serious for the unforseeable future, and if I'm not sure I wait before I make that jump its all about your comfort zone and making sure its not invaded or impeded in any way.

God Bless!

 

[AAAPlus]

My sincere, loving advice for you is to see a therapist. I know you don't feel like you need any kind of medical attention, but I think even a couple sessions with a therapist would do wonders for your inhibitions. There are areas of our subconscious that have powerful effects on us, and they are not easy to overcome on your own. =)

 

[zeroturbulence]

...really? I guess I don't see how you draw the conclusion that it's easier to build confidence in oneself than to chill out and focus on something more important for a while...

How does one even go about building up their own confidence? I've never understood that.

Eep, I'm about to derail.

He's been banned lol, so you can umm.. relax.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Um...I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say...

I think you're over-thinking it. A lot. A whole, whoooole lot. And that's probably why you get so nervous.

And this paragraph you wrote-

"I've never been in a serious relationship and I don’t know what it’ll be like to be in one. What are the things you are supposed to do or say or what are the unspoken rules and policies that should be followed, I meanI have no clue at all! And what should I do when I’m being talked to by a guy? It gets even more complicated when I’m scared of being approached by someone I like."

...unspoken rules and policies? Hmm. You sound so freaked out by the idea of a relationship that I would guess you're reeeally not ready for one. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I would suggest that you stop stressing about relationships or your lack of one and place your focus on God. If you know who you are in Christ, then it will be that much easier to recognize other like-minded people, and will give you a much better idea of what to look for in a relationship should the opportunity arise.

So...relax.

Yea, what she said ^^^^

 

[MissCris]

He's been banned lol, so you can umm.. relax.

Aw bummer, and I so wanted to argue with him

Kidding, kidding.

 

[dashadow]

My sincere, loving advice for you is to see a therapist. I know you don't feel like you need any kind of medical attention, but I think even a couple sessions with a therapist would do wonders for your inhibitions. There are areas of our subconscious that have powerful effects on us, and they are not easy to overcome on your own. =)

IMO, you should get some professional help, be it pastor, therapist or some one else who could help you through this matter, as the above poster stated. Sounds like you could use some help with both the relationship issue and the traumatic experiences you've had. Praying you will find guidance.

 

[Ugly]

Hello,

Basically, I need some advice on this subject, because I have no clue. I’m 25yrs old and everybody in my entourage is wondering why they have never seen me with a boyfriend.

I've been a christian for a long time but unfortunately things have not been perfect, especially during my early 20s. I really ought to thank God for his grace! No judgement here please, I just need some advices.

I've never been in a serious relationship and I don’t know what it’ll be like to be in one. What are the things you are supposed to do or say or what are the unspoken rules and policies that should be followed, I meanI have no clue at all! And what should I do when I’m being talked to by a guy? It gets even more complicated when I’m scared of being approached by someone I like.

Let’s just say that the first guy I met some years ago sexually abused me and I just tossed it in the back of my mind and carried on with life as if it wasn’t a big deal. I went out every single week to clubs, and actuallymet someone who was married. I was 20, he was 34 with a pregnant wife at home; butI didn’t know until he felt bad and told me about the situation when she gave birth. He told me right when I really started to like him. I thought I was gonna go crazy during that period. I started smoking and had some crazy thoughts running through my mind about what I could do to him and his brand new car!

But anyway, about four years have passed since those events and I’ve never dated again. As I got older and more stable mentally, I realized I couldn’tjust toss the abuse in the back of my mind as I started having flash backs. I do realize it could have some impact on my future relationship. I say “some” because I’m definitely opened to having a normal relationship with a regular guy, because I know they are plenty of just normal, nice guys out there. I don’t think I need to seek medical help. Like I said, I do recognize that not all men are bad.

So right now, I’m opened to meeting new people.The only thing is I get scared very bad and I just want to run off when I’mapproached by someone I think I might like lol. I’d basically ruin it before iteven gets started.
Going back to my question, how should I act when approachedby a guy and not give the wrong signals? And how do you guys behave and act when in a relationship? Don’t tell me to act naturally because I don’t know what that means! If you can, please be specific!

Thanks!

I would say don't even attempt it. The way you talk about yourself, you are not ready to be in a relationship to begin with. You have a lot of mental and emotional growing to do. Perhaps you need to spend more time growing as a person, healing from the abuse and deception, and learning more about genuine relationships. You don't sound ready at all. You admit you're ruining chances before they happen, if you get into a relationship you will do the same thing.
And don't think you just 'stuff it away' in regards to the sexual abuse you suffered. If you don't get healing over that it will affect every relationship you will ever be in. That stuff doesn't just go away on its on. You talk a lot about what you don't want to hear, but maybe the things you don't want to hear, or be told, are the very things you NEED to be told. You want to just ignore things, but that only leads to bigger problems down the road.

 

[TigerScent777]

Hello,

Basically, I need some advice on this subject, because I have no clue. I’m 25yrs old and everybody in my entourage is wondering why they have never seen me with a boyfriend.

I've been a christian for a long time but unfortunately things have not been perfect, especially during my early 20s. I really ought to thank God for his grace! No judgement here please, I just need some advices.

I've never been in a serious relationship and I don’t know what it’ll be like to be in one. What are the things you are supposed to do or say or what are the unspoken rules and policies that should be followed, I meanI have no clue at all! And what should I do when I’m being talked to by a guy? It gets even more complicated when I’m scared of being approached by someone I like.

Let’s just say that the first guy I met some years ago sexually abused me and I just tossed it in the back of my mind and carried on with life as if it wasn’t a big deal. I went out every single week to clubs, and actuallymet someone who was married. I was 20, he was 34 with a pregnant wife at home; butI didn’t know until he felt bad and told me about the situation when she gave birth. He told me right when I really started to like him. I thought I was gonna go crazy during that period. I started smoking and had some crazy thoughts running through my mind about what I could do to him and his brand new car!

But anyway, about four years have passed since those events and I’ve never dated again. As I got older and more stable mentally, I realized I couldn’tjust toss the abuse in the back of my mind as I started having flash backs. I do realize it could have some impact on my future relationship. I say “some” because I’m definitely opened to having a normal relationship with a regular guy, because I know they are plenty of just normal, nice guys out there. I don’t think I need to seek medical help. Like I said, I do recognize that not all men are bad.

So right now, I’m opened to meeting new people.The only thing is I get scared very bad and I just want to run off when I’mapproached by someone I think I might like lol. I’d basically ruin it before iteven gets started.
Going back to my question, how should I act when approachedby a guy and not give the wrong signals? And how do you guys behave and act when in a relationship? Don’t tell me to act naturally because I don’t know what that means! If you can, please be specific!

Thanks!

...in addition to seeking the right kind of support; I would say have the attitude of putting it down to experience and use it as a stepping stone being all the wiser, to greater things and relationships in your life. Do not try to repress the memory, but let it be purified from you via the Light of God and pray that He give you the wisdom and understanding to see and use the experience in a way that builds you up and makes you stronger in Him and in life and living. ALWAYS use such things and turn them to your advantage in some way, strengthening yourself via the Power of God and moving forward, never looking backward...

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Hello,

Basically, I need some advice on this subject, because I have no clue. I’m 25yrs old and everybody in my entourage is wondering why they have never seen me with a boyfriend.

I've been a christian for a long time but unfortunately things have not been perfect, especially during my early 20s. I really ought to thank God for his grace! No judgement here please, I just need some advices.

I've never been in a serious relationship and I don’t know what it’ll be like to be in one. What are the things you are supposed to do or say or what are the unspoken rules and policies that should be followed, I meanI have no clue at all! And what should I do when I’m being talked to by a guy? It gets even more complicated when I’m scared of being approached by someone I like.

Let’s just say that the first guy I met some years ago sexually abused me and I just tossed it in the back of my mind and carried on with life as if it wasn’t a big deal. I went out every single week to clubs, and actuallymet someone who was married. I was 20, he was 34 with a pregnant wife at home; butI didn’t know until he felt bad and told me about the situation when she gave birth. He told me right when I really started to like him. I thought I was gonna go crazy during that period. I started smoking and had some crazy thoughts running through my mind about what I could do to him and his brand new car!

But anyway, about four years have passed since those events and I’ve never dated again. As I got older and more stable mentally, I realized I couldn’tjust toss the abuse in the back of my mind as I started having flash backs. I do realize it could have some impact on my future relationship. I say “some” because I’m definitely opened to having a normal relationship with a regular guy, because I know they are plenty of just normal, nice guys out there. I don’t think I need to seek medical help. Like I said, I do recognize that not all men are bad.

So right now, I’m opened to meeting new people.The only thing is I get scared very bad and I just want to run off when I’mapproached by someone I think I might like lol. I’d basically ruin it before iteven gets started.
Going back to my question, how should I act when approachedby a guy and not give the wrong signals? And how do you guys behave and act when in a relationship? Don’t tell me to act naturally because I don’t know what that means! If you can, please be specific!

Thanks!

Boy's don't like it when you make Yo momma jokes.

I wouldn't do that.

 

[presidente]

You don't need a boyfriend, except as a step toward getting married. Get involved socially in places where there are Christians, like church activities so hopefully you can meet a Christian man. The abuse issues? That's something to pray about and maybe get help with. if you really start developing a relationship with a man who is interested in you, you'll need to let him know about that before there is a proposal.

 

[Lexie0]

Um...I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say...

"You sound so freaked out by the idea of a relationship that I would guess you're reeeally not ready for one. And there's nothing wrong with that"
I'm not sure how someone becomes ready for a relationship, can you elaborate please? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm ready to meet new people and possibly meeting my future husband. I would say the reason why I'm so freaked out is because I'm a shy person;

"I would suggest that you stop stressing about relationships or your lack of one and place your focus on God. If you know who you are in Christ, then it will be that much easier to recognize other like-minded people, and will give you a much better idea of what to look for in a relationship should the opportunity arise.

So...relax."

I actually do know who I am in christ. Like I said, I've been a christian for a long time, though I did backslide; but I'm OK now. I don't have to get into the details of what my christian life looks like at this moment, but am I getting the feeling that you are judging me and thinking that I'm not focused enough on God.
I'm not sure what your situation is, but I believe this is more like a phase that most girls around my age go through. When you feel like you have settled down career wise, you would usually long for something else; and since I'm lacking experience on this other aspect of life, I would like to get some advice from people.

Well, thanks for your input.

 

[woka]

I'm really sorry to hear that you had to suffer that abuse. Can I say that I do a bit of counselling work, and would advice that you go and see a counsellor. The fact that you mention your past, and how you think it will impact any approach from a guy, especially one you like, and the fact that you put the two together tells me you still need to deal with it.

Counselling is such an easy thing as you already have all the answer's within yourself, and know exactly what you want and what you will and won't accept, the counsellor just helps you find that.

I know that the Lord God has already equipped you with all the answers as He is our answer, so it's already there. He knows the plans He has for you, and the counselling will allow you to find them.

He made you fearfully and wonderfully and the way you react to a man's approach will be exactly the right one, after you address your past, nobody here can tell you exactly what that approach should be, as you are unique.

 

[Lexie0]

I would say don't even attempt it. The way you talk about yourself, you are not ready to be in a relationship to begin with. You have a lot of mental and emotional growing to do.

Oh Wow, please do elaborate on this. The way I talk about myself? In what way? When you say I have "a lot of mental and emotional growing to do" are you referring to the fact that I went through the abuse or to the way I'm approaching the subject? I will also ask you, how does one become ready for a relationship?

Perhaps you need to spend more time growing as a person, healing from the abuse and deception, and learning more about genuine relationships. You don't sound ready at all. You admit you're ruining chances before they happen, if you get into a relationship you will do the same thing.

Ok, now you are just "assuming" the worse if I ever get into a relationship. I mean, I've also read a lot about people who went through some kind of abuse and though I may show some signs of a trauma, believe it or not I can trust people if I get to know them. But That's the hard part for me, the how to start the relationship and getting to know the person.

And don't think you just 'stuff it away' in regards to the sexual abuse you suffered. If you don't get healing over that it will affect every relationship you will ever be in. That stuff doesn't just go away on its on. You talk a lot about what you don't want to hear, but maybe the things you don't want to hear, or be told, are the very things you NEED to be told. You want to just ignore things, but that only leads to bigger problems down the road.

If I go see a therapist it will be to help me get over my fear of getting a relationship started. Not regarding the abuse. I think that if I meet the right person and I'm able to get to know them I'll be fine. I just have to get past the fear of the initial meeting.

Thanks for the input.