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Dear Christian Brothers and sisters, I have known a christian girl at my church in Japan for the last six or so years. I came to Japan as english teacher and now have a ministry
joined the church and since she lived in the same neighborhood we started to hang out over coffee. I was pretty lonely at the time and enjoyed her friendship and attention as I have many look at me and self centered tendencies. when I realised she was interested in more than friendship I said no and that we should just be friends. finally I said in a more serious tone that it was over for us and I got the feeling that she was not accepting what I was saying. We were of course attending church and so we still often continued to have personal contact with each other and still hung out. Me enjoying her attention, and her hoping that something might change to progress our relationship. we continued in this cycle with me many times saying I was not wanting more. she agreed to be friends but this was not her true feeling. It became issue one time so much that I decided to say I was leaving our church. but after having spoken to my pastor and a missionary they said that I should stay and embark on a new friendship only relationship and remain at our church. However despite this whenever I saw her I felt energised by her presence but also in pain because I could not seem to move forward ion the relationship. I talked with 4 pastors about our problem and 3 said leave her and the church while my my own pastor and one other said I should stay . obviously by this time we were in a very unhealthy relatioinship...a romanticised friendship. almost like an addiction type of feeling whenever i saw her. we only really saw each other at church and at the end of lunch and fellowship I alaways had pain in my heart for not being able to continue forward in the relationship . Of course i thought many times about leaving the church but I was in a leadership type role and most of my friends were there having been one of the original team that helped to plant the church. She also never moved on. her just living on the small scraps of talk we had each week. I have never made a serious attempt to date her even though she is always on my mind. very unhealthy I know. Then we had a few more atempts at sitting down and talking and after i comntinue to say this is not going to work and she had beeter find another better guy than me...I told her directly that you should be telling me to get lost and so that she could get on with her life. she is 38 now and I am 45 so now having a baby would be hard and she would not have so much time to meet a guy because of my procrastination. she finally left on a mission trip for six months. and we were both told by our pastor not to have any contact with each other. we honored this but now she has just come back to our church . Now that I am needing a minor operation I now have an excuse to leave our church without saying that she is the reason and fly back to my country and stay there until I at least recover from this disastrous relationship . I also have a chance I guess to attempt to have another try at Dating her for real and say to her from the start that I will try to aim for marriage (this choice fills me with nerves as my feelings of attraction for her seem to be confused. Its not true love because other women seem attractive also. but maybe by committing to date feelings may change as a get to know her in trying to move forward and giving her at least a chance. another choice I have is to accept a job in the same city and just leave the church and go to another church fairly close by about 30 minutes away. I could do this but she would know my reason would be to leave her and my pastor and froiends at church would be hurt too if i was to move so close by and attend another church. I am stuck between staying and dating or moving 30 minutes away and hurting feelings of so many or going back home to start a completley new life but without a job and wothout her which fills me with much pain and regret over what has happened between us and for helping to destroy her chances of having children and getting married. I know I listend to the wrong advice and satyed in an unhealthy relationship. I know that I procrastinated. I know I did not cut off this relationship when I should have and now I am in deep. I know I am self centered and in need of a changed heart. I know I hurt my christian sister very much by not leaving. but what should i do now? I guess the gentleman thing to do is to leave and not have contact. or should I give her a real chance at dating me?
joined the church and since she lived in the same neighborhood we started to hang out over coffee. I was pretty lonely at the time and enjoyed her friendship and attention as I have many look at me and self centered tendencies. when I realised she was interested in more than friendship I said no and that we should just be friends. finally I said in a more serious tone that it was over for us and I got the feeling that she was not accepting what I was saying. We were of course attending church and so we still often continued to have personal contact with each other and still hung out. Me enjoying her attention, and her hoping that something might change to progress our relationship. we continued in this cycle with me many times saying I was not wanting more. she agreed to be friends but this was not her true feeling. It became issue one time so much that I decided to say I was leaving our church. but after having spoken to my pastor and a missionary they said that I should stay and embark on a new friendship only relationship and remain at our church. However despite this whenever I saw her I felt energised by her presence but also in pain because I could not seem to move forward ion the relationship. I talked with 4 pastors about our problem and 3 said leave her and the church while my my own pastor and one other said I should stay . obviously by this time we were in a very unhealthy relatioinship...a romanticised friendship. almost like an addiction type of feeling whenever i saw her. we only really saw each other at church and at the end of lunch and fellowship I alaways had pain in my heart for not being able to continue forward in the relationship . Of course i thought many times about leaving the church but I was in a leadership type role and most of my friends were there having been one of the original team that helped to plant the church. She also never moved on. her just living on the small scraps of talk we had each week. I have never made a serious attempt to date her even though she is always on my mind. very unhealthy I know. Then we had a few more atempts at sitting down and talking and after i comntinue to say this is not going to work and she had beeter find another better guy than me...I told her directly that you should be telling me to get lost and so that she could get on with her life. she is 38 now and I am 45 so now having a baby would be hard and she would not have so much time to meet a guy because of my procrastination. she finally left on a mission trip for six months. and we were both told by our pastor not to have any contact with each other. we honored this but now she has just come back to our church . Now that I am needing a minor operation I now have an excuse to leave our church without saying that she is the reason and fly back to my country and stay there until I at least recover from this disastrous relationship . I also have a chance I guess to attempt to have another try at Dating her for real and say to her from the start that I will try to aim for marriage (this choice fills me with nerves as my feelings of attraction for her seem to be confused. Its not true love because other women seem attractive also. but maybe by committing to date feelings may change as a get to know her in trying to move forward and giving her at least a chance. another choice I have is to accept a job in the same city and just leave the church and go to another church fairly close by about 30 minutes away. I could do this but she would know my reason would be to leave her and my pastor and froiends at church would be hurt too if i was to move so close by and attend another church. I am stuck between staying and dating or moving 30 minutes away and hurting feelings of so many or going back home to start a completley new life but without a job and wothout her which fills me with much pain and regret over what has happened between us and for helping to destroy her chances of having children and getting married. I know I listend to the wrong advice and satyed in an unhealthy relationship. I know that I procrastinated. I know I did not cut off this relationship when I should have and now I am in deep. I know I am self centered and in need of a changed heart. I know I hurt my christian sister very much by not leaving. but what should i do now? I guess the gentleman thing to do is to leave and not have contact. or should I give her a real chance at dating me?
