This piece ends in hope. It is a verbose account of the time from when the black gnawing begins until I find relief in time. So Hold your thoughts until the end.
What thoughts bring it on? For me, they would fall under the category of "guided towards hopelessness". In my little world, from time to time I allow this feeling to begin once I think about being single, and feeling heightened feelings of longing for... something. Perhaps to hold and to be held. I see several faces, and they all bring about that same heightened feeling of longing. Immediately, I sense "without", and the gnawing begins.
It chews, as if my stomach were a tub of blocks, and I experienced the death of each block as a sharp, then dull gnaw in my stomach. It begins around the outer part of my stomach, and I imagine locusts coming in and beginning to chew upon whatever matter fills my stomach. But I am aware of it all.
And this in the first few seconds. And it carries on. And I've learned to control my outbursts.
But at this point, I am limping physically and spiritually.
And now, there would have to be some choices:
1. Indulge the gnawing, and let the bitterness grow into words directed at the most connected targets.
2. Vent to God. Vent everything as a child, letting the words work up and well up into tears as the gnawing is manifested into the most appropriate description as cause and effect. And this can work. Vent everything in whatever words, bad or good, are part of your vocabulary. Vent everything private, directed to God. There is a side effect of this venting, and that is that you may reach a point where in the course of your venting, the gnawing ceased. This is a decent end to this ailment.
3. Make a public spectacle. Express the pain. Cut and bleed in the presence of the public, your peers, and your family. Express your anger into words that stun and disturb. This will immediately lead to your detainment, and your forced admittance into the nearest psychiatric facilty where you will be held against your will and left to yourself to think about what you have done. After several attempts to find solace through this method, I recommend that you not go down this road. It will only bring you more pain.
4. The bible advises a small amount of wine that you may forget your misery. Though as Christians, we are kings, and kings are not to be given to wine, oh Lemuel. So the chemical route may not stand but use your own discretion.
5. Wait for God to bring you someone. This will not deal with the immediate pain, and you will be left to limp as you hum songs of hope and longing. I do not recommend this route either, for if Paul's words are any indication, a mate is not in the cards, and not in the plan at this time as we head to the next chapter in the story.
6. Write articles like this. For me, this was the choice that got me through the moment, but the next moment is coming, and I do not know how I will deal with that then. I tell myself now, "She is out there", but I am a liar, how can I trust that?
In conclusion:
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.
Trust Christ.
You are not being tortured.
You are not a Jew dying in a Nazi concentration camp during the holocaust.
And if you have someone. Bless you, love them, let their love wash over you every second of every day. You will not always feel this way. Who does?
What thoughts bring it on? For me, they would fall under the category of "guided towards hopelessness". In my little world, from time to time I allow this feeling to begin once I think about being single, and feeling heightened feelings of longing for... something. Perhaps to hold and to be held. I see several faces, and they all bring about that same heightened feeling of longing. Immediately, I sense "without", and the gnawing begins.
It chews, as if my stomach were a tub of blocks, and I experienced the death of each block as a sharp, then dull gnaw in my stomach. It begins around the outer part of my stomach, and I imagine locusts coming in and beginning to chew upon whatever matter fills my stomach. But I am aware of it all.
And this in the first few seconds. And it carries on. And I've learned to control my outbursts.
But at this point, I am limping physically and spiritually.
And now, there would have to be some choices:
1. Indulge the gnawing, and let the bitterness grow into words directed at the most connected targets.
2. Vent to God. Vent everything as a child, letting the words work up and well up into tears as the gnawing is manifested into the most appropriate description as cause and effect. And this can work. Vent everything in whatever words, bad or good, are part of your vocabulary. Vent everything private, directed to God. There is a side effect of this venting, and that is that you may reach a point where in the course of your venting, the gnawing ceased. This is a decent end to this ailment.
3. Make a public spectacle. Express the pain. Cut and bleed in the presence of the public, your peers, and your family. Express your anger into words that stun and disturb. This will immediately lead to your detainment, and your forced admittance into the nearest psychiatric facilty where you will be held against your will and left to yourself to think about what you have done. After several attempts to find solace through this method, I recommend that you not go down this road. It will only bring you more pain.
4. The bible advises a small amount of wine that you may forget your misery. Though as Christians, we are kings, and kings are not to be given to wine, oh Lemuel. So the chemical route may not stand but use your own discretion.
5. Wait for God to bring you someone. This will not deal with the immediate pain, and you will be left to limp as you hum songs of hope and longing. I do not recommend this route either, for if Paul's words are any indication, a mate is not in the cards, and not in the plan at this time as we head to the next chapter in the story.
6. Write articles like this. For me, this was the choice that got me through the moment, but the next moment is coming, and I do not know how I will deal with that then. I tell myself now, "She is out there", but I am a liar, how can I trust that?
In conclusion:
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.
Trust Christ.
You are not being tortured.
You are not a Jew dying in a Nazi concentration camp during the holocaust.
And if you have someone. Bless you, love them, let their love wash over you every second of every day. You will not always feel this way. Who does?