I'm a Christian... You're a Christian... (Frustrations with Dating Christians.)

[seoulsearch]

Hello Everyone,

Lately, I've seen a lot of discussion in the forums and in chat about whom Christians should date, and it seems that the "good Christian answer" is that Christians should always date other Christians and that it should be a no-brainer... with a reference to the passage that says we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

However, is it just me, or have you any of you had some extreme frustrations in dating other Christians? Whether it be doctrinal disagreements, maturity differences, etc.--what are your experiences and what advice do you have?

I, myself, am trying to adhere to a personal guideline of only dating Christians, but here are a few of my own frustrations with the guys I have met:

1. The guy who, when I was having struggles or problems, would withdraw for a few weeks, fasting and praying over what I'd told him (which was great!), but then would proceed to "give me a word" that he expected me to follow and obey without question. When I told him, "Well, I don't really think that applies to what I'm going through right now..." he said, "Well Kim, if you can't accept a Word from God, then I truly feel sorry for you," while naturally having several passages to quote in order to back his stance. (Of course, what I wanted to ask next was, "Who made YOU God?" but, I was good and restrained myself.)

2. Guys who are Christians (and/or were raised as Christians) but have had (or are still having) strong issues with addictions (sex, drugs, alcohol) but have an attitude of either, "God's forgiven (or will forgive) me," or, on the opposite end, "I'm such a failure" (in a self-pitying way) but in both cases, they expect you to put up with their repeated, deliberately terrible choices because they have yet to change. (Or, they've supposedly changed... but think you shouldn't mind that they've had a history of say, sleeping with 25 other people (not an exaggeration--in some cases, the numbers have been higher)... doing hard drugs... etc. when that's not how you've chosen to live your life... NOT that I haven't made my own mistakes, but they expect me to be perfectly comfortable with their pasts and forgive all.) First of all, they didn't do these things against me so I don't feel they need my forgiveness (if they didn't sin against me, it doesn't seem like they should think I owe them some sort of forgiveness, do you think?) but does that mean I have to marry someone with that history if I don't have that history myself?

3. A guy friend who has only been a Christian for about 3 years and is the nicest guy, but very unsure of himself in his relationship with God--he's always calling me and asking, "Do you think it's ok if I do this [watch such-and-such movie] or do that [buy such-and-such product], or would God disapprove?"

I also had a good guy friend who started going to my church because he thought it would help his chances in trying to date me--we never did date but he became a Christian and has been very actively involved in the church ever since.

I don't want to think that I'd try to wait for a "good" unbeliever to be saved so that I could date him... but I do have to say, I'm frustrated with dating other Christians!! I guess all I can do is wait it out for a "compatible" Christian who's in a similar place in their walk with God?

What about you? (And I'm NOT trying to pick on the guys here--I know we women can be just as frustrating.)

[grace]

You have brought up some good points here...and I totally follow what your saying.

Christian guys can be the worst

[zeroturbulence]

I really don't want to bad mouth any christians and I realize that everyone has a reason for being the way they are but I have come to realize that there are many christians who don't get the basic principle of loving one another. Many put themselves above others due to their belief that their church is holier or that they are the man in the relationship or that they see themselves as more rigtheous and therefore "wiser" even if their boasting is obvious.

I believe a lot of the answers to why christian relationships don't work out are found up in this scripture which really sums up the concept of agape love:

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

[seoulsearch]

Originally Posted by zeroturbulence

I really don't want to bad mouth any christians and I realize that everyone has a reason for being the way they are but I have come to realize that there are many christians who don't get the basic principle of loving one another. Many put themselves above others due to their belief that their church is holier or that they are the man in the relationship or that they see themselves as more rigtheous and therefore "wiser" even if their boasting is obvious.

I believe a lot of the answers to why christian relationships don't work out are found up in this scripture which really sums up the concept of agape love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I completely agree with loving one another in Christian love--excellent point, Zero.

I think, however, that marriage and dating is a bit different. Perhaps I'm wrong... but the kinds of things I'm trying to say are, I believe, a bit similar to some of the threads I've seen about virgins hoping to marry virgins and are holding out for someone else who has that to offer...

Loving someone as a brother in Christ no matter what his past? Encouraging him in his walk with God as a friend? No problem.

Dating and/or marrying someone who was once very involved in casual sex, alcohol, and cocaine?

Sorry, but at the risk of sounding judgmental... I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

[1still_waters]

My biggest problem with Christian gals are the ones who just aren't themselves. Some put up this sugary, syruppy sweet front to totally suck me in, then they end up being the exact opposite of the front they put forward.

I'd rather a gal put her sweet and rough edged sides up front at first instead of just being only 'sweet' at first.

Another issue is some who can give these great talks on how to live these spirtual lives, but when the rubber hits the road, they just don't live up to all the talk they do.

Seems like us Christian guy lose some of our 'edge' as we attempt to be 'Christian' and that's what drives women nuts.

Females lose some of their humanity trying to be too sweet and almost unhumanly spiritual.

Bottom line, both sides just need to keep it real.

[seoulsearch]

Originally Posted by 1still_waters

My biggest problem with Christian gals are the ones who just aren't themselves. Some put up this sugary, syruppy sweet front to totally suck me in, then they end up being the exact opposite of the front they put forward.

I'd rather a gal put her sweet and rough edged sides up front at first instead of just being only 'sweet' at first.

Another issue is some who can give these great talks on how to live these spirtual lives, but when the rubber hits the road, they just don't live up to all the talk they do.

Seems like us Christian guy lose some of our 'edge' as we attempt to be 'Christian' and that's what drives women nuts.

Females lose some of their humanity trying to be too sweet and almost unhumanly spiritual.

Bottom line, both sides just need to keep it real.

I especially like the last part: "Both sides just need to keep it real."

Amen.

And thanks for saying you like it when a gal shows a bit of her rough side up front--I tend to go a little overboard with this--I'll explain all my mistakes and faults right away because I figure if I can get it all out on the table and the poor guy is still standing, he must be a winner! And I want him to tell me all of his struggles as well. Maybe it's important to have compatible struggles, if there is such a thing? I'm not sure.

But here's to the learning process...

[1still_waters]

Originally Posted by seoulsearch

I especially like the last part: "Both sides just need to keep it real."

Amen.

And thanks for saying you like it when a gal shows a bit of her rough side up front--I tend to go a little overboard with this--I'll explain all my mistakes and faults right away because I figure if I can get it all out on the table and the poor guy is still standing, he must be a winner! And I want him to tell me all of his struggles as well. Maybe it's important to have compatible struggles, if there is such a thing? I'm not sure.

But here's to the learning process...

Yeah upfront is nice. I mean not to the point she passes gas in front of me the first or second or third time we hang out.

[seoulsearch]

Originally Posted by 1still_waters

Yeah upfront is nice. I mean not to the point she passes gas in front of me the first or second or third time we hang out.

*is still laughing*

Thanks, Still Waters. That brings me to another important point--I like it when a guy is specific.

*note to self--do not pass gas until at least the third date*

Duly recorded, thanks for the advice!

[1still_waters]

Originally Posted by seoulsearch

*is still laughing*

Thanks, Still Waters. That brings me to another important point--I like it when a guy is specific.

*note to self--do not pass gas until at least the third date*

Duly recorded, thanks for the advice!

Well unless he's totally in favor of going to a bean and sausage festival and you can't convince him against it otherwise. I think that's the only loophole in my no passing gas before the fourth date law.

[seoulsearch]

Originally Posted by 1still_waters

Well unless he's totally in favor of going to a bean and sausage festival and you can't convince him against it otherwise. I think that's the only loophole in my no passing gas before the fourth date law.

Even better... a guy who can think around (and plan for) obstacles and loopholes...

*puts down tickets to local Bean and Weenie Fest*

*sighs*

Must now resort to some sort of backup plan for possible dating fare. No wonder dating is so tough!

[Marcus2x2]

You mentioned in your opening post about avoiding being unequally yoked with unbelievers.
I believe that one also has to look out for being unequally yoked with believers! As some of the experiences you guys have mentioned above would indicate!

Originally Posted by Marcus2x2

You mentioned in your opening post about avoiding being unequally yoked with unbelievers.
I believe that one also has to look out for being unequally yoked with believers! As some of the experiences you guys have mentioned above would indicate!

agreeeeeeeeeeeeed.

[biggentleben]

Christians need to realize that we approach and interact with God differently, and having someone who does not understand your relationship with Christ will not end well. I had a very good speaker once that said to run the race Christ has laid out for you, and if you look beside you and see someone else running the same race, continue running together.

[DinoDillinger]

I have a question about bachelor #1, was his advice biblical? Do you agree that we should submit ourselves to God despite our feelings on the matter?

I was under the asumption that the man was supposed to be the spiritual head of the household. But if you don't want the man guiding you spiritually, then why are you looking for a christian man? Is it possibly that the MAIN reason you want a guy to be christian is for general moral character and not someone who is seeking to totally submit themselves to God?

[Marcus2x2]

Who are you asking DinoDillinger? I think everyone that has put a comment down on this thread is straight...

Seoul-

It comes down to this: people are people. When two people fit each other it's not because they are of a particular race, religion, etc.; it is simply because they are two neuroses knowing that they are perfect for each other. Those problems with males that you mentioned are interesting, but I would say they are the same sorts of problems you find in non-Christian men as well: insecurity, feelings of failure, controlling, etc.

Originally Posted by DinoDillinger

I have a question about bachelor #1, was his advice biblical? Do you agree that we should submit ourselves to God despite our feelings on the matter?

I was under the asumption that the man was supposed to be the spiritual head of the household. But if you don't want the man guiding you spiritually, then why are you looking for a christian man? Is it possibly that the MAIN reason you want a guy to be christian is for general moral character and not someone who is seeking to totally submit themselves to God?

He's supposed to be the spiritual leader, not the Prophet, or the bully. If her husband/girlfriend is saying "I got a message from God saying that you have to do this thing, and if you don't do that thing then you are defying God," I would defend her right not to do that thing. How dare he say he has special instructions from God. Not even the Pope is that brash.

Originally Posted by seoulsearch

Hello Everyone,

Lately, I've seen a lot of discussion in the forums and in chat about whom Christians should date, and it seems that the "good Christian answer" is that Christians should always date other Christians and that it should be a no-brainer... with a reference to the passage that says we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

However, is it just me, or have you any of you had some extreme frustrations in dating other Christians? Whether it be doctrinal disagreements, maturity differences, etc.--what are your experiences and what advice do you have?

I, myself, am trying to adhere to a personal guideline of only dating Christians, but here are a few of my own frustrations with the guys I have met:

1. The guy who, when I was having struggles or problems, would withdraw for a few weeks, fasting and praying over what I'd told him (which was great!), but then would proceed to "give me a word" that he expected me to follow and obey without question. When I told him, "Well, I don't really think that applies to what I'm going through right now..." he said, "Well Kim, if you can't accept a Word from God, then I truly feel sorry for you," while naturally having several passages to quote in order to back his stance. (Of course, what I wanted to ask next was, "Who made YOU God?" but, I was good and restrained myself.)

2. Guys who are Christians (and/or were raised as Christians) but have had (or are still having) strong issues with addictions (sex, drugs, alcohol) but have an attitude of either, "God's forgiven (or will forgive) me," or, on the opposite end, "I'm such a failure" (in a self-pitying way) but in both cases, they expect you to put up with their repeated, deliberately terrible choices because they have yet to change. (Or, they've supposedly changed... but think you shouldn't mind that they've had a history of say, sleeping with 25 other people (not an exaggeration--in some cases, the numbers have been higher)... doing hard drugs... etc. when that's not how you've chosen to live your life... NOT that I haven't made my own mistakes, but they expect me to be perfectly comfortable with their pasts and forgive all.) First of all, they didn't do these things against me so I don't feel they need my forgiveness (if they didn't sin against me, it doesn't seem like they should think I owe them some sort of forgiveness, do you think?) but does that mean I have to marry someone with that history if I don't have that history myself?

3. A guy friend who has only been a Christian for about 3 years and is the nicest guy, but very unsure of himself in his relationship with God--he's always calling me and asking, "Do you think it's ok if I do this [watch such-and-such movie] or do that [buy such-and-such product], or would God disapprove?"

I also had a good guy friend who started going to my church because he thought it would help his chances in trying to date me--we never did date but he became a Christian and has been very actively involved in the church ever since.

I don't want to think that I'd try to wait for a "good" unbeliever to be saved so that I could date him... but I do have to say, I'm frustrated with dating other Christians!! I guess all I can do is wait it out for a "compatible" Christian who's in a similar place in their walk with God?

What about you? (And I'm NOT trying to pick on the guys here--I know we women can be just as frustrating.)

Well, your first statement was rather funny..... I actually have gone through something like that when I was going through a rough patch, and instead of comforting me, the person just went all holy on me.... I am not saying it was a bad thing, just that like that boyfriend of yours, God's words could've meant more if he delivered it in a more personal or intimate style. And it did get on my nerves, but I just realized that although the person had a Godly impression, they obviously lacked in other area's that would have eased the situation.
Regarding your second statement, I just want to make it clear that men and women are both equals, and the lousy attitudes and situations could be found across the board. But in your case, in fact in the case of all Chrisitans, if you have reallly accepted Christ, then you wouldn't be dealing with all those issues, of drugs, sex, and other worldly addictions. When you have allowed Christ to work in you, all those things mean nothing, yeah, at times you may be tempted to fall off the wagon, but that shows you how strong you really are. It takes much more strength and courage to walk in the ways of the Lord than to let yourself succumb to those worldly issues. In that, all there is to say about people who are still stuck with a foot on either side of the tracks, is that their yet spiritually immature. The thing is, we have to be there to help them make the decision, and hope that they make the right one.
And, it is not your place to offer forgiveness to those who have a bleak history. But you can offer encouragement. The only ones who can figure them, are those that they may have hurt in the processm and ultimately God.
Regarding your last statement, because people will see what you stand for, they will be those who want you to help them live by God's standards. The funny thing is, no matter how on the right path they try to live their lives, at the end, it will only matter if they accept Christ. It seems sometimes that all people care about is trying to make it into heaven, yet they don't want to fully be a servant. Personally Illet them hear it, in a kind way of course, just do your best to explain your reasoning.
Being a 19 year guy in college, I'm also over the dating "Only" Christian thing. Its always seemed to be that my girlfriends and I were never really on the same track. I have also dated girls who weren't Christians, and there really wasn't much of a difference except the religious affiliation part. But if you think of it this way, being with another Christian is good, but what if you met a non-Christian who was influenced by you and eventually ended up finding the Lord? Almost the deal like you and your friend who joined church to get closer to you. All I'm saying is that, maybe we shouldn't limit ourselves to a certain group, I mean what kind of Christians are we if we are going to be picky? I wouldn't worry too much about it though, because you will find that boyfriend when God feels your ready.

Originally Posted by Groundhog

He's supposed to be the spiritual leader, not the Prophet, or the bully. If her husband/girlfriend is saying "I got a message from God saying that you have to do this thing, and if you don't do that thing then you are defying God," I would defend her right not to do that thing. How dare he say he has special instructions from God. Not even the Pope is that brash.

I totally agree man. I'm even going to go as far as saying that i'm fed up with people using God's name for their own purpose such as in that example, it makes me sick.

[DinoDillinger]

Originally Posted by Groundhog

He's supposed to be the spiritual leader, not the Prophet, or the bully. If her husband/girlfriend is saying "I got a message from God saying that you have to do this thing, and if you don't do that thing then you are defying God," I would defend her right not to do that thing. How dare he say he has special instructions from God. Not even the Pope is that brash.

The word says we are given the gift of phophesy, if a brother comes to you with the word of God and shows how your in error, you are supposed to accept that humbly, look at the scriptures and seek God's counsil on the matter. Are people never rebuked by their pastor anymore? I know alot of people avoid churches that speak against sin, I think that is a very dangerous thing to do. I don't see it as being 'special instructions' if its in the word of God. It is not love to see a brother backsliding and pat him on the head. That being said, a person can easily do it with the wrong motives, but just because that is a possiblity, doesn't mean you should never give an ear to someone who rebukes you.