S
So not that long ago, Seoulsearch posted this lovely thread: http://christianchat.com/christian-...mething-might-help-struggle-against-lust.html
I skimmed it as well I could- because I was in a hurry, I also didn't have time to write a response. It would have been something along the lines of, "What a great topic, you've made excellent points about x, y, and z."
Though there was something about it that sort of hung with me, like she had pinned a tail on me.
Week goes on as usual. There was an annual bonfire that someone from my church always hosts. There was a guy who I used to be really sweet on, until I heard he got engaged to be married to another girl I didn't know existed- he arrives alone, I'm not much of a conversationalist, but that's mainly because I've been fairly well invisible to other people my whole life, I just assume I'm not seen and quietly interact with my friends. Any-hoot, tonight this guy I was sweet on strikes up a conversation with me and I was able to carry it well enough. I learn that he's into creative writing- which is something that I love to do. The whole situation stirred up old attractions I had for him, and I tried my best to stifle it, but he is such a friendly person, it's hard to feel completely indifferent.
I go home and it's literally a war going on in my heart. I'm furious with myself because I know he's engaged, but I can't seem help but wish he somehow was available and interested in me. That night I didn't waste much time pitying myself, I went straight to God. I talked with him, every time I'd start to feel upset I would confess and tell God that this wasn't what I wanted.
He walked it through with me, and I refused to go to bed until we had it sorted. ((I sometimes have trouble going to sleep because my brain won't shut down. I was afraid I would be thinking about it all night.)) It worked and I was able to sleep very peacefully. This morning comes and I'm completely fine. Go to church, a little hurt feelings come back, but I'm able to draw my attention onto God as I should.
Come home, and things keep going well with a few slip-ups. Then evening comes and I'm starting to feel depressed, and even the beginnings of anger towards God. Recognizing that was wrong, I immediately walked myself to a quiet place and sit down and remind myself firmly that if this is leading me to be spiteful towards God- then it isn't of him.
I go back and forth in a conversation with God, confessing and repenting and seeking to be made pure.
That was when God let me know the root of my sin. Just as Seoulsearch was fighting envy, I was fighting envy.
But it wasn't just with this guy.
It is something that I have been fighting my whole entire life. And I just realized it.
I was born with three brothers and no sisters. All I ever wanted was a sister. I envied those with sisters.
I couldn't have a sister, so the next best thing was a best friend. I tried to make some but I was rejected by my peers in kindergarten and walked alone until 7th grade where I finally found friendship. I envied those with friends.
When my friends and I all had our first crushes ever at the age of 16, we all suddenly became interested in boys. I became envious of those in a romantic relationship.
I've envied dreams. I've envied those with someone close enough to share anything with. I've envied having a shoulder to cry on. I've envied those with jobs. I've envied my cousins with their babies and how happy their parents are being grandparents.
When faced with the fact that I do not have what I envy, I turn on myself. I punish myself relentlessly. I become depressed and wonder why I'm not good enough to have what I envy.
Maybe this is why everything comes late for me. My drivers license, my friends, my career, my education, my love life. The list goes on. I used to always feel like I was slipping through the cracks of life, completely unnoticed.
Maybe God has been trying to pull this one weed out of my heart by making me wait. By waiting for me to ask him why I feel so lonely when I've had him my entire life. Waiting for me to understand what it is I'm holding onto. I'm so grateful that God is going to such extremes to show me this, he could have just handed me over to my sins. I've been sick with jealousy for a long time.
I wasn't sadden last night because potential love was lost. I was sadden because I couldn't get my hands on something that I wanted. Someone who would never be mine, and he was right there, right next to me, seeing me and speaking to me. That's a lot more than most of the people I've met has done.
It's going to be hard to break that habit. I've been doing it ever since I can remember. Hopefully one day I'll be able to live life free of envy. I feel very free of it right now, but I know so very well how fallible I am. If I've done it once, who's to say I won't slip back into it? It took 21 years for me to even admit it. I guess this is where you come in.
Your prayers. Your words of advice. They help to arm me against this battalion of foes.
Thanks for reading, and coming through this sea of emotions with me. I tried to restrain myself some... it's a lot of stuff to put on the Internet. But I'm glad that there are places like this where I can express myself. It is a lot easier to type something than it is to say it aloud to another person who might interrupt me.
-Smudge
I skimmed it as well I could- because I was in a hurry, I also didn't have time to write a response. It would have been something along the lines of, "What a great topic, you've made excellent points about x, y, and z."
Though there was something about it that sort of hung with me, like she had pinned a tail on me.
Week goes on as usual. There was an annual bonfire that someone from my church always hosts. There was a guy who I used to be really sweet on, until I heard he got engaged to be married to another girl I didn't know existed- he arrives alone, I'm not much of a conversationalist, but that's mainly because I've been fairly well invisible to other people my whole life, I just assume I'm not seen and quietly interact with my friends. Any-hoot, tonight this guy I was sweet on strikes up a conversation with me and I was able to carry it well enough. I learn that he's into creative writing- which is something that I love to do. The whole situation stirred up old attractions I had for him, and I tried my best to stifle it, but he is such a friendly person, it's hard to feel completely indifferent.
I go home and it's literally a war going on in my heart. I'm furious with myself because I know he's engaged, but I can't seem help but wish he somehow was available and interested in me. That night I didn't waste much time pitying myself, I went straight to God. I talked with him, every time I'd start to feel upset I would confess and tell God that this wasn't what I wanted.
He walked it through with me, and I refused to go to bed until we had it sorted. ((I sometimes have trouble going to sleep because my brain won't shut down. I was afraid I would be thinking about it all night.)) It worked and I was able to sleep very peacefully. This morning comes and I'm completely fine. Go to church, a little hurt feelings come back, but I'm able to draw my attention onto God as I should.
Come home, and things keep going well with a few slip-ups. Then evening comes and I'm starting to feel depressed, and even the beginnings of anger towards God. Recognizing that was wrong, I immediately walked myself to a quiet place and sit down and remind myself firmly that if this is leading me to be spiteful towards God- then it isn't of him.
I go back and forth in a conversation with God, confessing and repenting and seeking to be made pure.
That was when God let me know the root of my sin. Just as Seoulsearch was fighting envy, I was fighting envy.
But it wasn't just with this guy.
It is something that I have been fighting my whole entire life. And I just realized it.
I was born with three brothers and no sisters. All I ever wanted was a sister. I envied those with sisters.
I couldn't have a sister, so the next best thing was a best friend. I tried to make some but I was rejected by my peers in kindergarten and walked alone until 7th grade where I finally found friendship. I envied those with friends.
When my friends and I all had our first crushes ever at the age of 16, we all suddenly became interested in boys. I became envious of those in a romantic relationship.
I've envied dreams. I've envied those with someone close enough to share anything with. I've envied having a shoulder to cry on. I've envied those with jobs. I've envied my cousins with their babies and how happy their parents are being grandparents.
When faced with the fact that I do not have what I envy, I turn on myself. I punish myself relentlessly. I become depressed and wonder why I'm not good enough to have what I envy.
Maybe this is why everything comes late for me. My drivers license, my friends, my career, my education, my love life. The list goes on. I used to always feel like I was slipping through the cracks of life, completely unnoticed.
Maybe God has been trying to pull this one weed out of my heart by making me wait. By waiting for me to ask him why I feel so lonely when I've had him my entire life. Waiting for me to understand what it is I'm holding onto. I'm so grateful that God is going to such extremes to show me this, he could have just handed me over to my sins. I've been sick with jealousy for a long time.
I wasn't sadden last night because potential love was lost. I was sadden because I couldn't get my hands on something that I wanted. Someone who would never be mine, and he was right there, right next to me, seeing me and speaking to me. That's a lot more than most of the people I've met has done.
It's going to be hard to break that habit. I've been doing it ever since I can remember. Hopefully one day I'll be able to live life free of envy. I feel very free of it right now, but I know so very well how fallible I am. If I've done it once, who's to say I won't slip back into it? It took 21 years for me to even admit it. I guess this is where you come in.
Your prayers. Your words of advice. They help to arm me against this battalion of foes.
Thanks for reading, and coming through this sea of emotions with me. I tried to restrain myself some... it's a lot of stuff to put on the Internet. But I'm glad that there are places like this where I can express myself. It is a lot easier to type something than it is to say it aloud to another person who might interrupt me.
-Smudge
The Lord leads. This guy you envied, that's OK to envy someone, it's when you take it to another level, that is, shielding your doings from God and not seeking Him for help for how to get away from that feeling of envy Personally, too, I don't see it as a bad thing to let a guy know, who is engaged, that you like him, especially if he flirts with you. But, you would then want to pray for what God wants you to do next. I think, you would need to let that guy know that he is engaged and that he really needs to try his heart to God to see if the fiance` is really the right girl for him, for this action of flirtation toward you shows a window into what kind of man he could be if he was your husband, and, the word 'infidelity' comes to mind, or, in other words, unfaithfulness. Then, after speaking to the guy who was sweet on you, leave him and don't see him again, unless his fiance is aware, too. When you are engaged, then, you should be pretty much, although not yet married, devoted to your fiance` . 