That's Not My Daddy, That's My Date.

[seoulsearch]

Hi Everybody,

Someone mentioned something I'd been wanting to ask in another thread I posted--I decided to start a new thread about this because I wanted to keep the trains of thought separate.

We often hear that some women date older men because they need a father figure... How true would any of you say this is for Christian women (since our first father relationship is to be with God)? Do you or anyone you know tend to look for older romantic companions (and it can be for either males or females) because of a lack of parental care in your life?

What are your thoughts? (As I've said before, I personally like guys within my own age range--I usually say five years either way... I could probably stretch it to ten, but it would, of course, depend on the person.)

The women I personally know who have gone for older dates have always told me the same thing (and it's not because they're looking for a father), it's because they say they're frustrated with men their own age and simply find older men to be more mature about life in general.

Take it away, everyone!

 

[MahogonySnail]

Your last paragraph makes out that the reason women choose older men is that they are too fussy and hard to please.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hmm... interesting point. Older men have never been my thing, but I can say that unfortunately (maybe it's just the lot I've been around as far as dating), the guys I've been around had problems paying their bills, living what they proclaimed to believe, and basically being responsible.

I know it's generally considered that an older person will be more mature, experienced, and skilled at the in's and out's of real life... but I've found that to be kind of an across-the-border thing... because I've met guys younger than me who had it together as well.

 

[Leilaii425]

I dont really care to date older men, im talkin ten years older than myself. Im 26 so the oldest i would go would probably be 33. Im just not sure how much i would have in common with someone ten or 12 years older than myself. My sister is 28 and her husband is about to be 40 and they have struggled alot with the age thing, because thats a pretty big difference between the two of them. I wouldnt ever want that to be an issue for me and whoever i was with. I already got a daddy, i dont need another one

 

[seoulsearch]

I already got a daddy, i dont need another one

Couldn't agree more, Leilaii. And it's just my own personal view point. Thanks, though, for also telling us about your own sister's struggles... because some people I know have tried to romanticize their age problems when it's actually tearing their relationship apart.

But kudos to all who have different stories and have worked things out!!

 

[MahogonySnail]

Leilla I am overstepping my bounds and have no right in saying this but I think you are one of the people who a much older man would suit very nicely.

 

[Leilaii425]

Leilla I am overstepping my bounds and have no right in saying this but I think you are one of the people who a much older man would suit very nicely.

and yet...... you say it anyway. Maybe thats what ive been doing wrong, i havent been checking the geriatric wards

 

[seoulsearch]

Leilla I am overstepping my bounds and have no right in saying this but I think you are one of the people who a much older man would suit very nicely.

I have a feeling Mahogony rather enjoys overstepping boundaries... much to our amusement.

 

[kiwi_OT]

Hi Everybody,

We often hear that some women date older men because they need a father figure... How true would any of you say this is for Christian women (since our first father relationship is to be with God)? Do you or anyone you know tend to look for older romantic companions (and it can be for either males or females) because of a lack of parental care in your life?

For me its definitetly because I grew up with nothing but an incrediably abusive step father as well as missing out on knowing my biological father and having an older brother who feels he has to father me rather then be a brotherly companion. Is it wrong then to demand those rightful qualities in a man that Ive missed out on my entire life? Like leadership (not authoritarianship), humilty (not pride), kindness (not dominance) and trust (not paranoia). I dont intentionally seek older men but because I require a maturity from someone whose 'been there done that', it doesnt surprise me then that it is the older men who I find are attracted to me whereas guys my own age (no offense) find me a bit too full on and too emotionally old for my age.
For you younger guys dont stress out just cos you havent found the perfect girl yet. Shes probably around just quietly waiting for you to grow. Dont rush into convincing yourself that your capable at guiding and nurturing a woman - cos it takes years.
Getting back to the question - I have never sought a father figure in my male relationships. This is exactly the reason why I became a Christian when I was 15 - I wanted a Dad, the kind I knew no human male could ever provide for me which is why I stopped looking and just allowed God to fill that role and Ive been very happy with that choice ever since.
One thing thats interesting though and Im wondering if its a cultural or geographical thing. Im currently very interest in a man whose nearly twelve years my senior, which doesnt remotely bother me, but Ive found on my side of the world (NZ) so many people (except my family) gasp at the 'innappropriateness' of it whereas on his side (Canada) everyone is fine with it.

Anyone else found this? Or is it just cos Im the younger female in this equation?

 

[cornapple]

Yeah i don't think older men are for me either. I never had a great relationship with my father, but i'm certainly not looking for one in someone i date.
kiwi_OT I don't think 12 years is that great of a difference, well at least compared to people who date men 20 or more years older than them.
Maybe people think you're a gold digger, that's why they gasp? I don't know.

 

[seoulsearch]

Melody--

I can certainly understand your viewpoint and why you would be attracted to older guys. And your point about it being a matter of location, geography, and i some cases, culture, is quite interesting...

As for 12 years... I can understand why people might be surprised but maybe they are afraid you will somehow be taken advantage of? I can certainly see your perspective though, especially since you seem to be a very level-headed, grounded person (not that younger guys can't be this way, but I do hear from a lot of women that want men who are older because of perceived maturity issues.)

I hope God directs you into the right situation for your life... many blessings.

 

[kiwi_OT]

Yeah i don't think older men are for me either. I never had a great relationship with my father, but i'm certainly not looking for one in someone i date.
kiwi_OT I don't think 12 years is that great of a difference, well at least compared to people who date men 20 or more years older than them.
Maybe people think you're a gold digger, that's why they gasp? I don't know.

Lol Im hardly a gold digger lol. He aint no accountant or stock broker lol.

 

[greatkraw]

For you younger guys dont stress out just cos you havent found the perfect girl yet. Shes probably around just quietly waiting for you to grow. Dont rush into convincing yourself that your capable at guiding and nurturing a woman - cos it takes years.

Is this what a girl wants or needs or expects?

We guys need to understand this.

 

[kiwi_OT]

For you younger guys dont stress out just cos you havent found the perfect girl yet. Shes probably around just quietly waiting for you to grow. Dont rush into convincing yourself that your capable at guiding and nurturing a woman - cos it takes years.

Is this what a girl wants or needs or expects?

We guys need to understand this.

Well, Id think so.. I dont mean in a parenting role. When I use the words guiding and nurturing I mean helping us to be accountable in our relationships with others and most especially with Christ and also encouraging and supporting us.
Typically, older men have stuffed up in that department and have learnt from it, whereas younger men are still learning. There are exceptions to that of course (very mature young men as well as 30-40 year old men who still act like toddlers). But at the end of the day you cant deny the fact that their older therefore are more likely to be experienced.
From my own experience of watching my mother deal with her marriages (where both men were 11 years older than her), the main issues concerning the age gap was the stark difference in life stage. My mum was an adventurous, working young woman in her 20s - she fell in love with my father, got married far too early and barely after graduation. Her second husband demanded that she quit her job and become a full time housewife and wanted her to live quietly. Thats not a bad thing per say its just that both were very abusive about it and my mother became very resentful and felt babied. And now as a single divorced woman shes now catching up on the things she wished she did in her 20s.
Therefore I think its very important for couples who have more than 7 years between them (like myself) seriously factor that in and making sure your life goals and and the timing of them are intune and flexible and compromising to one another. also incrediably important is making sure your common interests arent starkly different. You dont want one person to think the others interests are "old, boring and stodgy" while the other thinks the others interests are "babyish, immature and too loud"
Cant really think of much else..

 

[greatkraw]

Thank you Melody,

I wish my parents and my sisters had explained all that to me about 35 yeares ago.