Why I stopped dating.

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Liamson

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#1
In case you were wondering how I'm doing, the answer is that I'm "fine" and its a crappy word and I hate it. "Okay" is just as bad.


The truth is that I'm not "fine"

Over the last couple of years, I've lost a lot of self respect. I gained weight and tolerated all kinds of activities in my life that "The old me" wouldn't ever have.

Weight is just a symptom.

As is always being broke all the time.

As is getting "Par" grades.



Last year was full of ups and downs. Ups being when I worked two jobs and went Bike Riding for miles to stay healthy.


I could say I'm a victim of something but that would mostly be a lie. I am a victim of being a victim. So yeah I had a Rough Relationship, lost a bunch of junk and set myself back a couple of years in the savings department. Thats life. But it was an excuse for me to throw an all too long pity party.


So long story short, this last year, I lost it. Every job I looked at, I believed that anyone else was more qualified. Every woman that I thought was Amazing probably had a least 5 other guys, more amazing than me pursuing her. I wouldn't wish me into anyone else's life. Cause if they pick me when I'm down, I'm going to dump them when I wake up to being myself again.

Even if all my dreams came true, I would want someone else to star in them. Someone more worthy than me....

Then it hits me. Someone else, to fall in love with my girl? Someone else to live out my life but, only I know my life. So...

Who else is going to have my small business? But even if they get everything I want, what do I do? Work at Home Depot or something weird?


My only redeeming qualities are that I'm smart, resourceful and I like doing the right thing. Used to be Ambitious, Prideful, Fearless, Strong, Athletic, Great Looking, Confident. blah blah blah etc.

No more being able to say that. Old men who once played Football say that. "I used to be fast."

I used to be nothing, because I have nothing to show for it. Yeah, I have awards, plaques, trophies and trinkets but, the stuff that really matters. The health of my relationships with my friends and family, its all on life support. If I had a relationship, it would also go on life support. Who deserves that? No one, not even me.


So, this is my owning my crap in broad daylight. I don't want to be the fat kid I see in the mirror anymore. I don't want to be too broke to buy a motorcycle, because I'm too depressed and lazy to get a good job. The once Zealous kitchen Nazi of cleanliness has a mountain of dishes in the sink. Who is this jerk running around in my body screwing up my life?!?

I need to wake up and look the world in the eye again.
 
M

MidniteWelder

Guest
#2
 

just_monicat

Senior Member
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#3
gosh, i think most of us who have had the privilege of living long enough could seriously write our own version of this story.

but i have some really good news for you. the best thing you can do is take an honest stock of your life, because the pain you're feeling will provide the best motivator for change. i'll say it again.

without pain there's little motivation for change. some seasons are all about putting in the work in that department so that your next chapters are starring a stronger, smarter, better person.

stop holding your past up as a measuring stick that you judge yourself by. instead, turn it into something that motivates you as to a positive image that can help you propel forward. it's unreasonable for you to think that you're going to be able to be the very best at everything you're judging yourself for all the time. you simply have to accept that we all have chapters where we are successful in one way and failures in another.

as to being alone, it's not always fun. but i personally think that the times in my life where i have grown the most and taken care of things, it was when i had few distractions. most of us can walk and chew gum, but doing to work, emotionally, spiritually and sometimes, quite literally is usually pretty hard when you're managing all those extra giddy-inspiring hormones your brain manufactures when you are full of pleasant distraction.

again speaking from my own volumes of drama and chaos, i can also say that nothing is more effective in bringing us back to the Throne of the Almighty and draw close to Him. because you're still alive, He has purpose for you and plans for you. it's been the time i've spent seeking the Lord in His Word, with His people that have broken me apart in the very best of ways.

oh, and one last thing that always gives me comfort is that we have a Lord who knows what it is like to be under terrible stress, to be cast aside by His friends, be completely betrayed and mocked. He knows what it is like to be so tired serving others that he has to catch a nap in spite of a raging sea (now that's tired), and he knows what it is like to suffer from temptation that we all live with.

what a comfort to know that He completely knows and UNDERSTANDS what it is like to live with disappointment and frustration, loss and the entire range of emotions we feel in tough times. and He has plans for you that are FAR greater than what you could possibly imagine.

p.s. those three little adjectives, "smart, resourceful and doing the right thing" have always served me far more than the other list you gave. besides, that long list will come and go, probably based upon what you do with God and "smart, resourceful and doing the right thing". :)
 
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J

Jullianna

Guest
#4
"We have met the enemy and he is us."

We all make some pretty rotten choices.
We all tend to focus more on our failings/weaknesses than we do on our strengths/blessings than we should.
We all forget who we are from time to time.

It is what we ultimately do with and about those things that matters, isn't it?

I don't need to tell you that I believe in you, Liamson. You already know that so I'm not going to post some hearts and flowers huggy kissy face Precious Moments thing. I'm going to sit here, eat popcorn and cheer while I watch you kick the butt of that guy who has not been taking very good care of you.
 
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#5
Have you seen that CAT, Liamson?

Pensacola, no? :confused:
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#6
I know all to well where your coming from.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#7
Liamson, I know we've never met in person, but when I read your posts I read confidence. I hope that makes sense. I had no idea you felt this way. I'm sorry for what you went through as a kid, that had to be really hard. I'm glad your Mom got help and has been better. I have mental illness in my family and knowing what to watch for in a certain family member and seeing it happen is very difficult.

I know I've told you before that I think you're a fantastic writer and I mean it. When I read your stuff I think Hunter S. Thompson, who's life I would never want you to imitate but he was/is a good writer. I'm not sure if he's still alive. He drank a lot.

I'm not trying to make light of what you said in any way. You just seem like a strong person but even strong people have tough times.

Like another poster said don't compare the way you were before, if you don't like the now then do your best to change it.

I still think you should write a book, I'm sure it would be really good.
 
1

1still_waters

Guest
#8
I think anyone at a certain age can transition into this type of mindset/state of/being/etc. There is an age/stage of life where the so called glory days of youth collide with that wall of struggle and brokenness that comes from simply existing in our fallen world.

When the glory days collide with that wall of struggle and brokenness, we have some options.

We can do the Uncle Rico.
Live in a van, musing about your glory days as a quarterback.
Keep doing the glory days routines in your new reality, hoping it will all come back.
[video=youtube;dMj2eEvPLOM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMj2eEvPLOM[/video]

We can let the new realities seep into every pore of our being.
Absorbing every single negative drop like a sponge, until our very being meshes with said reality.
We become anchored there, not moving back, for sure not moving forward.

We can change, adapt, transition into something new.
We realize the "glory days" were a stage of development
They brought us to where we are.
The new struggles and brokenness of life can either become a fertilizer which helps you grow into something more advanced, or it can become something that absorbs all of the life from you.

We assume the energy, optimism, and innocence of youth is both the beginning and end.
We assume that is the standard to maintain.
That is simply a stage, in many stages of life.
Like anything it must die to give birth to something new.

So when the "glory days" die, don't let yourself die.
Be thankful you've reached a new stage.
This new stage had to come.
The old had to die.
The new thing that looks like death, is actually life, because it's going to mold, shape, transform you into something far superior.

We need to seize it.
We need to let it do its work.

We can't become Uncle Rico.


We can't become the lifeless sponge that absorbs the struggles and brokenness, without transitioning it into something good.

Don't let the struggles and brokenness seize you.
You must seize them, so you can advance and use them to become who God destined you to be.
 
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CatHerder

Senior Member
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
48
#9
hmmm.....you may not like where you are, but from your posts, it seems that you've got a lot going for you and would have a lot to offer in a relationship.

How did you get into the spot you are in? Is it that you have embraced complacency? These things are usually a progression, rather than a single event.

Also - (inquiring minds want to know) Several months ago, if I remember correctly, you posted that you would be in Mexico and would not be on CC until some time in January. Those plans obviously had changed...is this part of it? Just curious.
 

Liamson

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#11
hmmm.....you may not like where you are, but from your posts, it seems that you've got a lot going for you and would have a lot to offer in a relationship.

How did you get into the spot you are in? Is it that you have embraced complacency? These things are usually a progression, rather than a single event.

Also - (inquiring minds want to know) Several months ago, if I remember correctly, you posted that you would be in Mexico and would not be on CC until some time in January. Those plans obviously had changed...is this part of it? Just curious.
Well Catheter, I got accepted to San Diego State and I was going to live in Tijuana and commute to get to school but, It was really too ridiculous. I needed to have more money saved for that to work.

And really when the Government shutdown happened, I would have had no way to survive, so frankly I'm glad I didn't stay.

So then I moved back to my home town, not with my parents or anything. Just back with my old roommates. And I have been going to school here.

But I've just gotten fat and complacent and lazy and just Meh. Which is really dumb.
 

christian74

Senior Member
Oct 1, 2013
594
280
63
#12
Haha..

That 'haha' slipped out of me as I was reading your post because that sounded just like my 20's and part of 30's as well - okay, perhaps except for the part 'Strong, Athletic, Good Looking,...' I used to reminisce and daydream often about going back in times and doing things differently because I personally had lot of regrets in my life like taking 10 years to graduate from college and such. But you know what? I appreciate now those times I had gone through, especially my 20's which was full of trials and errors and regrets, because now I am who I am largely because of not so good times I had to go through and experience. I was very ambitious too, very serious about becoming the President of the United States - I even had my closing statement at a presidential debate all prepared. My now so-called ambition is to enjoy and cherish God's company in my life more and more. And I believe, I believe I went through such period and the self-created mess in my life to truly understand and to truly appreciate what it means to put my trust in God and my only identity in Christ. I know it sounds cliche, especially here at CC, but it's my personal testimony.

Moses spent his first 40 years as a prince of Egypt and next 40 years as a shepherd - perhaps God needed Moses to spent that latter 40 years so he can finally become humble enough to be used as God's mighty instrument.

Lastly, your only redeeming qualities are not such as you mentioned but the fact that, "for I am awesomely, wondrously fashioned; wondrous are Your works, and my soul knows it well." Psalms 139:14 I am sure you know this, judging from your many other brilliant and thought-provoking posts, and nothing will make it "redeeming" until we establish that reality in our life.

Anyways, take courage my friend and let your life be a living testimony that we are no longer under sin's slavery but bought by the blood of Jesus Christ, who died and resurrected to destroy the curse of sin and death so we are no longer under the law but under grace.
 
W

womanofchrist

Guest
#13
When I think about my past relationships I know to learn from them what I want in a relationship and what I don't want. I decided to focus on God and live my life and eventual the right man God has for me will come along. It takes patience i can't say I don't get lonely cuz I do. Watching romance on TV doesn't help but I can't stay away from it. When I see romantic movies I try to imagine me being with a man. I really like this man at my job and he's knows how I feel but he wants to wait before he asks me iiout. I am thinking how long he expects me to wait until he gets it together I mean he's "fine" looking like a model in a mag
azine lol. I think is he worth waiting for cuz he is not even in the church. Looks are in important to me but spirituality is most important. I know I can have a good looking spiritual man if I just wait on God. I feel like the longer this man waits to get it together he will find me in the arms of another man on facebook
 
M

MySavior

Guest
#14
its been 5 years since I dated and few months ago I had a long distance relationship with this nice woman but she ruin it and doesn't care because she is poison
 
I

isaria

Guest
#15
I am sure you will get through your rough patch soon and endure the emotions you ride through where and whom they may come from.

Maybe you should not date but go for marriage instead.

Sure you have many friends who love and support you.
You seem to have many friends who care for you.


You can keep prayer and friends and activities.


Finding a professional match site can change your life.
The one does not go for date but for marriage and is serious , professional, in contact with clients and most are not like that.
It may be very expensive to get that service and professionalism to meet some one compatible but worth it.


Maybe what you need now is a holiday.
Even be it a weekend where you drive a few hours.
Newenvironment can do wonders.

and then get in good routine and positive programming of your self.
and seek support.



What you write of "someone else live your life".... it happens.
Horridly enough.
One saw someone surgery exactly and eons were taken to the body aswell as name and body corporate and home what body you work in and getting back your real self takes time and energy and more difficult than think.

If a workaholic wealthy and made money and then some group come and just take it and even use the name.
"I am liamson" and may take your work .lol etc.
it may be friends and others and you look at this man and he wears your eons and you work and work and he say yes my work and you are to be shadow man . lol
no. he must go and be himself and give back what he stole.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
2,937
113
#16
Your description of where you are at actually sounds like depression to me! Whatever caused it, you need to get some help to get out of it. If you can't kick yourself to do the things that you are capable of doing, then see a doctor. Depression is very treatable if you catch it early on.

Some Symptoms from Mood Disorders Canada

Be sleeping little or sleeping too much.
Have gained or lost weight.
Be highly agitated or sluggish

and inert.
Be extremely sad or very bad tempered

- or both.
You will also feel....
A loss of interest in the pleasures of

life, as well as work, family and friends.
Unable to concentrate and

make decisions.
Negative, anxious, trapped, unable

to act.
Despairing, guilty and unworthy.
Fatigue and an overall loss of energy.
Suicidal – expressing thoughts and

sometimes, making plans.
Numb – an awful feeling of emptiness.
Unexplained aches and pains.

If a combo of these stick out to you, then you need some help. This sounds more to me than just the loss of a girlfriend or a job, although they may have been triggers.

Praying you get out of this "slump."
 

Liamson

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#17
I am sure you will get through your rough patch soon and endure the emotions you ride through where and whom they may come from.

Maybe you should not date but go for marriage instead.

Sure you have many friends who love and support you.
You seem to have many friends who care for you.


You can keep prayer and friends and activities.


Finding a professional match site can change your life.
The one does not go for date but for marriage and is serious , professional, in contact with clients and most are not like that.
It may be very expensive to get that service and professionalism to meet some one compatible but worth it.


Maybe what you need now is a holiday.
Even be it a weekend where you drive a few hours.
New environment can do wonders.

and then get in good routine and positive programming of your self.
and seek support.



What you write of "someone else live your life".... it happens.
Horridly enough.
One saw someone surgery exactly and eons were taken to the body aswell as name and body corporate and home what body you work in and getting back your real self takes time and energy and more difficult than think.

If a workaholic wealthy and made money and then some group come and just take it and even use the name.
"I am liamson" and may take your work .lol etc.
it may be friends and others and you look at this man and he wears your eons and you work and work and he say yes my work and you are to be shadow man . lol
no. he must go and be himself and give back what he stole.

It is precisely because I did not date and chose marriage instead that I am where I am.

Right now, I would not date someone who is attracted to me, because I could not, with a sound conscience, trust their judgement.


I once held the philosophy, be friends, love first, grow together, get married and then take on the world.

Well ten years into the market and I can assure you, I was wrong and naive. Such creatures who would be along through it all to see the other side, have long since vanished.

Now, I must reinvest my energy into myself. I must become that man I once set out to be.



I have been living like Simba in the jungle eating garbage with my friend the pig and my other friend the rodent and there is no Nala, to remind me of who I am or what I ought to be doing.
 

Rachel20

Senior Member
May 7, 2013
1,639
105
63
#18
Why I stopped dating - Too much drama. Too many things to do.


When I did have someone I liked, I couldn't help noticing how he seemed to pick only the times of my exams, and project days to have a fight. It was emotionally and mentally exhausting.
At the end of it all, I couldn't help looking at where my mind and heart had gone, both in opposite directions!

It's not even that I went around looking for someone.

But now it reinforces my belief not to go looking.

I have so many things to do, and so many things to achieve.


I agree with all you say Liamson. You put it across really well.

I want to learn to rest in God and follow Him. I want to make the people who believe in me, proud of me. I want to say, "Look this is what I've done, I've struggled with this and I got through, all in the name of Jesus."
I want God to be glorified by me, in my life and all I do.

So that's why I said No.



 

just_monicat

Senior Member
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#19
It is precisely because I did not date and chose marriage instead that I am where I am.

Right now, I would not date someone who is attracted to me, because I could not, with a sound conscience, trust their judgement.


I once held the philosophy, be friends, love first, grow together, get married and then take on the world.

Well ten years into the market and I can assure you, I was wrong and naive. Such creatures who would be along through it all to see the other side, have long since vanished.
.
no methodology is effective for the wrong person, perhaps just more effective in delaying the inevitable. :)
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#20
It is precisely because I did not date and chose marriage instead that I am where I am.

Right now, I would not date someone who is attracted to me, because I could not, with a sound conscience, trust their judgement.


I once held the philosophy, be friends, love first, grow together, get married and then take on the world.

Well ten years into the market and I can assure you, I was wrong and naive. Such creatures who would be along through it all to see the other side, have long since vanished.

Now, I must reinvest my energy into myself. I must become that man I once set out to be.



I have been living like Simba in the jungle eating garbage with my friend the pig and my other friend the rodent and there is no Nala, to remind me of who I am or what I ought to be doing.

If it helps, the meerkat and Warthog where my favorites in that movie, and by the way that's Mr. Pig. ;)