Advice from the married to the singles.

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shrimp

Senior Member
Aug 28, 2011
1,188
39
48
#1
I have been told that it is good for the experienced to give advice to the inexperienced. So, I would like to open up this thread as an opportunity for the married folks (like myself) to give small treasures to the singles.

I shall start:

My grandmother always told me to figure out what end of the toothpaste tube he squeezed first, before even thinking about marrying him. This isn't about reading into his tooth cleansing routine to see what mental issues he has (I say 'he' because this is from a female perspective), This is about the dreaded word DATING. Give it a good solid 2 years to get to know the person. For example:

My husband, who we will call Jim, is the kind of guy who can't stand perfume. I like perfume, even though it doesn't seem like it. During our time dating, This was revealed to me through a very interesting story involving one of his ex-girlfriends and his hat. (I also found out he treasures his hats and hates to be texted all day and the general location and character of his ex-girlfriends)

He also found out things about me. Of course, if he asked I would have told him whatever he wanted to know, but getting to know another person is not just about Hobbies and common interests, It's about how they behave. Like studying a new species of animal. because what they do and say and how they look is a clue as to what they do behind closed doors.

Often times, people get overly desperate and turn off some alarms. Don't. And if something happens that sets off an alarm or two don't ignore it, but don't act on it right away (unless he or she hurt you physically) think about it. Try and predict consequences of reoccurring behavior. If he is flirtatious with other women while you are dating, this should be a major problem for you. However, If he isn't one for picking up the tab once in a while, it's not too big of a deal. If he or she is pushing for sex, even when you expressed beforehand your beliefs on the topic, that should also be a "hot potato."

What you need to ask yourself is: can I live with the consequences of his or her behavior? Because once you enter into marriage, Divorce should not even be in your vocabulary. Til DEATH do you part. not: Til YOU DO SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE do we part.
 

AAAPlus

Senior Member
Aug 2, 2011
601
10
18
#2
+1

This is some of the best advice to unmarried folks that I can fathom.

I have been told that it is good for the experienced to give advice to the inexperienced. So, I would like to open up this thread as an opportunity for the married folks (like myself) to give small treasures to the singles.

I shall start:

My grandmother always told me to figure out what end of the toothpaste tube he squeezed first, before even thinking about marrying him. This isn't about reading into his tooth cleansing routine to see what mental issues he has (I say 'he' because this is from a female perspective), This is about the dreaded word DATING. Give it a good solid 2 years to get to know the person. For example:

My husband, who we will call Jim, is the kind of guy who can't stand perfume. I like perfume, even though it doesn't seem like it. During our time dating, This was revealed to me through a very interesting story involving one of his ex-girlfriends and his hat. (I also found out he treasures his hats and hates to be texted all day and the general location and character of his ex-girlfriends)

He also found out things about me. Of course, if he asked I would have told him whatever he wanted to know, but getting to know another person is not just about Hobbies and common interests, It's about how they behave. Like studying a new species of animal. because what they do and say and how they look is a clue as to what they do behind closed doors.

Often times, people get overly desperate and turn off some alarms. Don't. And if something happens that sets off an alarm or two don't ignore it, but don't act on it right away (unless he or she hurt you physically) think about it. Try and predict consequences of reoccurring behavior. If he is flirtatious with other women while you are dating, this should be a major problem for you. However, If he isn't one for picking up the tab once in a while, it's not too big of a deal. If he or she is pushing for sex, even when you expressed beforehand your beliefs on the topic, that should also be a "hot potato."

What you need to ask yourself is: can I live with the consequences of his or her behavior? Because once you enter into marriage, Divorce should not even be in your vocabulary. Til DEATH do you part. not: Til YOU DO SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE do we part.
 

Lyta137

Senior Member
Dec 7, 2013
193
0
0
#3
thanx for sharing shrimp! quite eye opening...
 
A

AmmiAmmiel

Guest
#4
Marriage is sacred, indeed. Courtship (dating) should always be with the intent to glorify God and be sanctified in Holy Matrimony.

So, say God does plan for me to be married some day. Would that Marriage be glorifying to Him? I cannot imagine why it wouldn't be. It doesn't make much sense to say God would allow such a sacred thing to be dissatisfying to Him. Especially under the circumstances from a believers life. If God wants me to be married, I will be marriage and it will glorify Him. And so if I'm considering someone for marriage, I must first be convinced it would be glorifying to The Lord by evidence of our relationship. If our friendship doesn't glorify Him, it won't even last as a friendship. Fact of the matter is: if someone isn't glorifying God, you can't enter into even a relationship with them and it last, let alone marriage! Hahah. I am clearly single, and this is how I cope.
But let's say my marriage does end up being dishonoring to The Lord (i.e. if either spouse commits spiritual adultery/apostasy) the. I would have no choice but to end it. Or if my spouse left me, I would have to let her go. Those are the only exceptions for why a marriage should be ended. Either way, married or not married, I know my life will be good! (Ref: Rm 8:28)
 

shrimp

Senior Member
Aug 28, 2011
1,188
39
48
#5
Divorce is not in my language unless I'm talking about my parents or others who have done the awful deed.

I do not believe that the Bible does not give us license to divorce, rather it explains why divorce happens: HARDNESS OF HEART. I believe that adultery can be forgiven and trust rebuilt. If God tells us we are to try to be like Him, how can He say that adultery is to left unforgiven when He forgives it every day?

The devil works very hard to separate what God puts together, that is why arguments ought to be taken care of without anger or a hard heart.
 
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#6
Divorce is not in my language unless I'm talking about my parents or others who have done the awful deed.

I do not believe that the Bible does not give us license to divorce, rather it explains why divorce happens: HARDNESS OF HEART. I believe that adultery can be forgiven and trust rebuilt. If God tells us we are to try to be like Him, how can He say that adultery is to left unforgiven when He forgives it every day?

The devil works very hard to separate what God puts together, that is why arguments ought to be taken care of without anger or a hard heart.
Deu_24:1 This is what you must do if a husband writes out a certificate of divorce, gives it to his wife, and makes her leave his house. (He divorced her because he found out something indecent about her and she no longer pleased him.)

I never read of a woman being divorced in the OPPOSITE case (finding something INDECENT about him...)
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#7
I've been married for 14 years, it will be 15 years in May. This doesn't make me a marriage expert, but I can offer some insight to my own marriage.

Love changes, I love my Husband, but it's not the new what I've heard call puppy love. For me it's more, you're my best friend and I don't want to live without you love.


We know each other very well now and in many ways. We really do finish each other's sentences. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

Relationships change with time. Unfortunately some wither and die, other's grow. You have to work at marriage. I don't mean break rocks with a sledge hammer, I mean keep it going. Date each other. I get mad at him sometimes, he has quirks that irritate me, usually I don't tell him. Except if he bite's his silverware when he eats, I can't stand that. But there are things about me that irritate him too from time to time.

We've had moments when we've been really angry at each other. We worked it out, talked about it. There was a time when I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I leaned on God heavily during that time.

Things also change when you have children. Not everyone wants children, we did. We have 2 and they are 7 and 8. When our Son was born, we were tired and clueless. He delivered News Paper's in the wee hours of the morning and then went to work all day. I worked a couple of days a week. Thirteen months after our son was born we had a daughter. Still did the same things with work. Eventually he got a better job, things got a little easier for us. We thanked God for everything and still do.

I hope we say married forever, we've talked about our Marriage vows and how serious they are to us and To God.

I hope I gave some insight to some.

God bless.
 

just_monicat

Senior Member
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#8
i have a great deal of admiration for every couple who decides to work together and makes their marriage a priority. may God continue to bless the women/marriages of those who shared their story in this thread.

i have grown up and been around a lot of divorce. sometimes i see marriage as such a egg shell fragile thing. the notion that you place your faith in another person's hands, not knowing how the years will change you both. it's the most amazing and beautifully alive leap of faith.

i spent a number of years admiring it like a department store display, but so afraid of what i felt was my certain birthright-- the eventual failure of such a choice. i no longer feel this way, but have discovered along the way that when you run from marriage, it doesn't chase you. men will, but marriage, never. you have to want it.

thanks to those who shared their stories and advice.
 
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Misty77

Senior Member
Aug 30, 2013
1,746
45
0
#9
Divorce is not in my language unless I'm talking about my parents or others who have done the awful deed.

I do not believe that the Bible does not give us license to divorce, rather it explains why divorce happens: HARDNESS OF HEART. I believe that adultery can be forgiven and trust rebuilt. If God tells us we are to try to be like Him, how can He say that adultery is to left unforgiven when He forgives it every day?

The devil works very hard to separate what God puts together, that is why arguments ought to be taken care of without anger or a hard heart.
You had me until the divorce thing. Divorce is not the problem; it is merely a symptom, the inevitable result of an unhealthy marriage. A marriage is unhealthy because one or both parties isn't submitting to the Lord. It takes great effort and great commitment for marriage to work as it is a covenant which should never be broken. BUT some marriages are so toxic that they need to end. And God cares more about you as a person than He does about your marital status.

This is where some people get confused. Salvation is a unilateral covenant, meaning that the burden of maintaining that contractual relationship rests with only one side—God, in this case. In contrast, marriage is a bilateral covenant where either party is capable of breaking the marriage contract. In cases of abuse, abandonment, or adultery (yay, alliteration!), the offending partner has already broken the covenant to love, honor, cherish, and stay married. Their behavior has violated the vow, which makes the other party free to choose to stay or to leave. Either choice should be made with a lot of prayer and a lot of wisdom. So much damage has been done by saying that divorce is always wrong. Many people have been hurt in unspeakable ways because their pastors and other believers were more concerned about the ring on their finger than on the safety of their entire being.
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#10
How about getting an advice about marriage from a Biblical prospective?

Here's a link for a very interesting series called Happily Ever After for Fr. Anthony Messih. The link here leads you to the first part, and then you'll see the rest of the 3 parts to your right.

This series changed A LOT of thoughts about marriage for me and made me understand A LOT of ideas.

[h=1]Happily Ever After Series Part 1[/h]
Happily Ever After Series Part 1: Jacob And Leah - YouTube
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#11
Divorce is not in my language unless I'm talking about my parents or others who have done the awful deed.

I do not believe that the Bible does not give us license to divorce, rather it explains why divorce happens: HARDNESS OF HEART. I believe that adultery can be forgiven and trust rebuilt. If God tells us we are to try to be like Him, how can He say that adultery is to left unforgiven when He forgives it every day?

The devil works very hard to separate what God puts together, that is why arguments ought to be taken care of without anger or a hard heart.
Hi Shrimp,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts... I just have a few to add. You talked about "others who have done the awful deed" of divorce. I just wanted to state that while divorce IS awful, that doesn't mean the PEOPLE who have been through it are awful.

I greatly appreciate it when those who are married share their thoughts and experiences here in the singles forum :). But I also want to post a reminder that many among us here have been through "the awful deed", and sometimes not by choice. I believe as well that problems can be worked through, but when, for example, your spouse leaves you for someone else, marries that person, and has children with them, reconciliation is certainly no longer a possibility.

When I was married I sounded a lot like you. I know a lot of Christians who talk about how horrible it is to divorce but have never actually been through one. I was one of those Christians and believed the same way... Until I came home from work and my husband had moved out without telling me, taking half the house with him... and later that month, I received a set of legal papers in the mail that said, "You are being sued for divorce."

I highly doubt most Christians go into marriage thinking that divorce is going to happen to them. But it does. I used to feel the same way, that people don't try hard enough, forgive enough, or hold marriage sacred enough.

And then I found out that sometimes "enough" just isn't "enough."

God bless you in your marriage, Shrimp, throughout your and your husband's lives. I see from your posted info that you are 20 years old--congrats to you for making such a serious and lifelong commitment at an age when many others have yet to even figure out who they are. When I married at 23, I sounded exactly like you... and I pray that God will bless you and your husband.

Something I think about now that I didn't think about when I was in my 20's (but maybe you've already considered these things) is how much life changes, as Fenner wisely pointed out. Over the years I've seen married people deal with a myriad of life events: the absence of a spouse due to work, leaving the other to raise their children as if they were a single parent; a child with a terminal brain tumor; adultery; addiction; cancer; caring for aging and/or dying parents and relatives... And it makes me wonder how I would have faced, or will face, such things as a married person (if I am to marry again.) Some of the marriages I've observed survived; many did not.

I pray that someday I have the God-given will and maturity to go through whatever life brings with the right person in the right timing and in the right season.
 
S

sunnysky31

Guest
#12
Hi Shrimp,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts... I just have a few to add. You talked about "others who have done the awful deed" of divorce. I just wanted to state that while divorce IS awful, that doesn't mean the PEOPLE who have been through it are awful.

I greatly appreciate it when those who are married share their thoughts and experiences here in the singles forum :). But I also want to post a reminder that many among us here have been through "the awful deed", and sometimes not by choice. I believe as well that problems can be worked through, but when, for example, your spouse leaves you for someone else, marries that person, and has children with them, reconciliation is certainly no longer a possibility.

When I was married I sounded a lot like you. I know a lot of Christians who talk about how horrible it is to divorce but have never actually been through one. I was one of those Christians and believed the same way... Until I came home from work and my husband had moved out without telling me, taking half the house with him... and later that month, I received a set of legal papers in the mail that said, "You are being sued for divorce."

I highly doubt most Christians go into marriage thinking that divorce is going to happen to them. But it does. I used to feel the same way, that people don't try hard enough, forgive enough, or hold marriage sacred enough.

And then I found out that sometimes "enough" just isn't "enough."

God bless you in your marriage, Shrimp, throughout your and your husband's lives. I see from your posted info that you are 20 years old--congrats to you for making such a serious and lifelong commitment at an age when many others have yet to even figure out who they are. When I married at 23, I sounded exactly like you... and I pray that God will bless you and your husband.

Something I think about now that I didn't think about when I was in my 20's (but maybe you've already considered these things) is how much life changes, as Fenner wisely pointed out. Over the years I've seen married people deal with a myriad of life events: the absence of a spouse due to work, leaving the other to raise their children as if they were a single parent; a child with a terminal brain tumor; adultery; addiction; cancer; caring for aging and/or dying parents and relatives... And it makes me wonder how I would have faced, or will face, such things as a married person (if I am to marry again.) Some of the marriages I've observed survived; many did not.

I pray that someday I have the God-given will and maturity to go through whatever life brings with the right person in the right timing and in the right season.
All of this is just great advice and I have enjoyed reading it. I have to agree with seoulsearch on the fact that those who are divorced are not all ''dirty'' - so to speak. I had to put my husband away for adultery and homosexual behavior. It took me SOME TIME to break free from the stigma that ''I am to blame'', and not feel as if those things were my fault. It is easy to label those who are divorced as ''throw-aways who should never partake in another relationship''.

The advice given on marriage is good though, and I pray that your marriage continues to grow in God's grace.

~Sunny~
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#13
I also agree with Seoulsearch. Life changes. I have 2 christian friends divorcing this year. One was totally blindsided, the other wasn't. It stinks and I feel for them. It's also scary.

I hope you marriage continues to grow with God's love Shrimp. God Bless all of you! :)
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#14
Here is some good advice. ;)


will ferrell.jpg
 

just_monicat

Senior Member
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#16
hahahaaaa, fabulous.

another good window into his soul is to ask him to teach you how to do some tricky installation or difficult thing. i always find myself growing more enchanted each time you see that look in their face where they are marshaling their patience and trying their best to use the "i'm being a calm and helpful teacher" look on their face when you ask them to show you one more time. :)

another good one is how well they handle life when you're driving (instead of them).

or better yet, need to borrow their truck. you know they're totally hooked when they toss you the keys to their truck without much resistance.
 
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just_monicat

Senior Member
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#17
Pretty funny!
On a side note: Did you notice his tee shirt? Didn't know Will was a Satanist.
um, where do see that? the picture?

i guess by that definition i worship at the house of starbucks. ;)
 

shrimp

Senior Member
Aug 28, 2011
1,188
39
48
#18
Let's try this again. The first time didn't produce an image. -_-

I say that because it is nothing like your starbucks shirt. It looks a lot like this:
 

shrimp

Senior Member
Aug 28, 2011
1,188
39
48
#19
Which is totally and completely related to the Church of Satan.
 

shrimp

Senior Member
Aug 28, 2011
1,188
39
48
#20
Which I thought everyone knew....(goes to show how "out of touch" I am)

At any rate. this thread is not about whether an average "joe" would wear a shirt with a symbol associated with the Church of Satan. It is about advice given from the married to the singles.

So, back on track!

Divorce. Since it seems to be a popular topic, I would like to elaborate in another post. Only if that is acceptable to the general public of CC.